All At Sea (13 page)

Maybe just send me a “hi.” Or an “okies” and nothing else. Just to let me know that you’re doing okay.

Sunday 23
rd
March 1.03pm

—near Waikiki Beach, Oahu—

I’m on the beach. The one where we had our first lesson. I’m painting you a picture of the perfect wave.  See?

Are you still there?

Sunday 23
rd
March 1.08pm

—
Island Golf and Country Club
—

I’m still here.

Sunday 23
rd
March 2.13pm

—
Island Golf and Country Club
—

I’m playing golf by myself.

I just feel like I should stay away from other people. I’m not fishing. I don’t want you to write back and say, ‘no, you’re sweet’. I hurt someone. I hurt more than one person and I should feel it.

I’m unpausing.

You wanted me to let Lachie have his shot at you, so go do that. If you want to be with him then do it.

Sunday 23
rd
March 2.28pm

—
Island Golf and Country Club
—

Do it. Don’t do it. I don’t mind.

Sunday 23
rd
March 2.29pm

—near Waikiki Beach, Oahu—

Maybe I already have done it. A LOT.

Sunday 23
rd
March 4.06pm

—Waikiki Yacht Club—

Okay, that was childish. Grown Up Amelia talking now.

Are you serious? Really???

I thought you were going to clear your head for a minute. I look back over the calendar and a little moment has turned into a much larger moment. Am I supposed to just hang out waiting for you for the rest of my stay? Remember, I don’t actually live here. This is a working vacation for Paul and after his business stuff is wrapped up, we’ll be heading back to the mainland. I know you’re in a bad place right now and I have been understanding about it, I think. But for some silly reason I imagined you taking a few days and then running to meet me, riding in on a wave to pull me from the clutches of Evil Lachie.

I guess that’s not happening, though.

I’ve been gaga over you for months. It’s been torture. I’m not doing this anymore.

Friday 28
th
March 3.23pm

—Elements Spa & Salon—

Well, it’s been five days and you haven’t responded to me.

Listen...I don’t like feeling like a sneaky jerk every time I enter North Shore. I’d like to be able to come around without feeling like I’m doing something wrong. I’d like to be able to go see Lachie without feeling like I need to wear camouflage and cling to the hostel walls. While he is always eager to spend time with me on the boat, it’s not exactly convenient since he doesn’t have a car, and neither do I and Olaf’s car is not always available. I’ve also got a fake ID now, and I’d like to go to the Blue Volcano which is—according to Olaf—the most fabelaktig amazing place ever. Anyhow... back to the unpausing... Have you fast-forwarded to a place where you can see me out with Lachie without feeling badly? I don’t want you to feel badly but I also don’t think I should have to stay off grid in order to spare your feelings.

Friday 28
th
March 5.00pm

—Blue Volcano Tavern—

Now you’re the one not letting Lachie have his shot at you. Why are you asking my permission?

I’ve seen you around heaps. I’m not stalking or anything, but I saw you sitting on the bench outside the hamburger shop thumb-wrestling. You were laughing your head off. I saw you sitting on the sand with your head resting on his shoulder. I saw you kissing while you were waiting in line to buy movie tickets.

You don’t think I can hear you sighing when he has his hands on you in the next room?

But you haven’t done it yet. I know, because I asked him.

What the hell are you writing to me for?

Friday 28
th
March 8.15pm

—Blue Volcano Tavern—

I don’t know why you thought it would only take a few days to get over losing my best friend forever.

Fifi was still here for four days after. I’d come home and she’d be sitting at my door, crying, begging. She made another scene at the pub. She had a tantrum. It was awful because all these blokes I know from the beach were laughing and saying she was a crazy. I hate it when blokes say that because that just makes it all the woman’s fault for feeling the way they do. But it’s my fault she feels that way, and she should be allowed to feel it because it only just happened, and now her life is not going to be anything like the way she imagined it.

She was screaming in my face at the pub, and the bouncers lifted her up and took her out, and I felt pity for her. Then I hated that too, because it’s like I was looking down my nose at her and her sadness. But I still wanted her to stop because it was embarrassing. I was glad when they wouldn’t let her back in.

I saw her sitting in the gutter bawling her eyes out. I didn’t go out there, because that would just start her up again. I can’t give her any hope that I care, because she clings to it. I had to send Olaf to do it.

That was what was happening for four days.

I’m not being mean to you, Millsy, I just don’t know what you want from me.

Saturday 29
th
March 3.02am

—North Shore Hostel—

What would you do if I said I’m over Fi? Are you going to dump Lachie that minute and coming knocking on the next door down the hall?

And you think I could let you in? Lachie is my best mate. I’ve known him since he was two, and he’ll be here long after you’re gone.

I told you not to be with him. I told you from the beginning. Go back and count how many times I told you not to be with Lachie.

Even if you thought there was no possibility of us being together, you shouldn’t have hooked up with Lachie. You should have stayed away from him because I asked you to. You knew it drove me crazy. You did it anyway.

So go be with him and stop writing to me!

Saturday 29
th
March 7.56am

—Waikiki Yacht Club—

This will be a long one, so settle in somewhere.

I’m sorry about Fiona. I was being unkind and a bit selfish when I was texting you like an animal while she was here. She was and is in deep, deep pain. For days before you got back I saw the ebb and flow of emotions in her face. The anguish and hope that she would cycle through minute to minute. I can’t imagine what she looked like after you told her it was over.

I didn’t realize that she was still here. I assumed she’d gotten on a plane that night because that’s what I think I would’ve done. For me, no one is worth that level of degradation.

Maybe I’m being delusional and overly stoic, though. I could be brought to that state by someone like you. I’ve felt what Fiona’s feeling , not to the degree, but given enough time with you, I could maybe see myself in her shoes.

You’re like a drug. A powerful one. Even the women who only get one night with you, they’re not slapping your face and throwing beer at you to be drama queens, they’re doing it because they’re addicts in detox. You gave something then took it away.

To be fair, you come by it honestly. You don’t mean to be a heartbreaker, I don’t think. It’s just how it is with you. Heartbreak is part of the package.

Fiona will look back, years from now when she’s settled and happy, and wonder who that girl was who made a fool of herself for four days in Hawaii. But in the back of her mind, she’ll still wonder what went wrong and how she could have changed it. Why wasn’t she special enough? What could she have done differently to make Kody Murdock want her forever? She’ll go on Facebook like your dad with that English woman. She’ll find you and she’ll feel that prick in her heart from that long-ago wound you left. The scar she thought was healed so well. Then she’ll click away from your face and re-enter her life. She’ll tell herself she’s being sentimental. But she’ll come back from time to time to see what you’re up to. She won’t be able to help herself.

What do I want from you? I wanted what Fiona wanted. All of you, immediately. I wanted you to want all of me, too. And I’m not talking anything stupid and near-future permanent, I’m only eighteen. I just wanted you and me to be together, walking an interesting, meaningful path with the possibility of forever at the end. 

But thinking harder about it, I don’t think that’s how it could ever have been with us, you wanting all of me and only me. I can’t let myself think like that about you anymore. I don’t want to be another Kody casualty.

Why do I write you? Because, like I said you’re a drug. I need my Kody fix. I jones for Kody around the clock. I’ll stop, though. This will be the last time I reach out. After you read this, I’m officially on the recovery wagon. Just please don’t reply back. Then I won’t be compelled to press buttons and wait to see your name, wait to hear your special text tone. That Hawaiian version of “Over The Rainbow”? I’m sure you’ve heard it. It’s a really good song.

Yes, you told me from the beginning not to be with Lachie. Over and over you told me not to be with him. Until you didn’t. And even if it was in a moment of grief and confusion, and you didn’t mean it, you still said it. “If you want to be with Lachie do it.” So fine, here we are. I’m with Lachie now. He’s no work, he’s safe. No danger there. I’ve had a taste of heartbreak this summer, my first real taste of it, and it’s not something I care to revisit anytime soon.

But all of this is pointless talk-talk-talk. I’ve been with your best mate. Been-been and so why would you even want to touch me after that. If the roles were reversed, if it were you in bed with Cristina or another someday-friend I might make, I’d never forgive you. It’s all I’d think about when we touched. I don’t want to be the girl who comes between lifelong friends. That’s not who I am.

So there it is, then. I’m with Lachie now.

Saturday 29
th
March 8.02am

—North Shore Hostel—

Good decision.

Saturday 29
th
March 8.04am

—North Shore Hostel—

Actually it’s the worst decision, but I’ve mentioned that once or twice.

Saturday 29
th
March 8.45am

—Totally Brewed Café—

Good luck to you, Have a nice life.

Saturday 29
th
March 9.22am

—near North Shore, Oahu—

Really??

Saturday 29
th
March 9.25am

—near North Shore, Oahu—

You haven’t been been with him. I just asked him.

You lie about that A LOT

Saturday 29
th
March 4.12pm

—Blue Volcano Tavern—

OK, just meet me one time. Just once, and let me kiss you for one minute. Please? We’ll time it, and then I will back off. We don’t even have to say a single word. In fact, don’t say anything. Just meet me. One kiss and then it’s done.

Is Lachie with you now? He’s not answering his phone.

Saturday 29
th
March 4.35pm

—McDonald’s, Ward Village—

I don’t know where Lachie is.

I hate you. You know what you are? You’re a pusher. In America that means a drug dealer. Only you deal in Kody crack. Go away.

Saturday 29
th
March 4.36pm

—Blue Volcano Tavern—

Please?

Saturday 29
th
March 4.55pm

—Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream, Ward Village—

Where and when?

Saturday 29
th
March 4.56pm

—Ben & Jerry’s, Ward Village—

Wait, no! Unsend! Delete! I’m with Lachie. I mean in a relationship with him. No, no, no.