[Alaskan Quest 02] - Under the Northern Lights (30 page)

Emma held up one of the boys’ socks. ‘‘The mate for this. I’m afraid Bryce is still very bad about picking up after himself. He tries, but boys are boys. My mother often said of my brothers that they knew the clothes hamper only as an obstacle to leapfrog over.’’

Helaina laughed and helped in the search. ‘‘I can well imagine. My brother, Stanley, was none too neat himself. My mother was particularly grieved by the way he would manage to completely ruin his clothes with his rough games. I was, on the other hand, her china doll. She loved to dress me in frilly clothes and have my hair curled. Which,’’ she added, touching several straight strands, ‘‘was no easy feat.’’

‘‘I’m looking forward to having my mother and sisters fuss over Rachel that way. It will do me little good to buy her all manner of frippery. Can you see her dressed in ruffles to run across the tundra?’’

Shaking her head, Helaina felt almost sad. Hadn’t this been something she’d thought of in regard to herself? She missed her finery. She missed dressing up for parties and being the belle of the ball.

They soon discovered the missing sock under Bjorn’s favorite chair. ‘‘Here it is,’’ Helaina said, holding it up. ‘‘The sock also has a friend.’’ She pulled out one of Rachel’s tiny shoes.

‘‘Oh, but I had given up hope of finding that. I thought I’d lost it somewhere outside.’’ Emma laughed as she took both items. ‘‘The lost has been found. Always a good thing to declare in a preacher’s home.’’

Helaina straightened up the living room as Emma bustled in and out, her arms always filled with a variety of things. ‘‘We won’t take all that much,’’ she declared at one point, ‘‘because we always bring so many things back with us. Still, I must have clothes for the children.’’

Helaina nodded, her thoughts filled with images of stores and establishments in New York. She tried to think of what it would be like to remain in Alaska and never have easy access to shopping and the latest fashions.

But even as these thoughts crossed her mind, she looked at her own outfit. She wore sealskin pants under one of her old skirts. Her blouse was very worn and could hardly be considered fashionable as it might have been just the year before. But here in Alaska function and practicality always won out over decorative style.

Helaina had to admit there was a part of her that was homesick. She longed to relax in her bedroom suite. The room itself was larger than Emma’s house. The fireplace alone would take up the space held by Emma’s entire kitchen.

Helaina began to prepare tubs with hot water for the wash, yet her thoughts continued to return to New York. She really did miss it. She longed for a thick beefsteak and fresh vegetables. The thought of wearing silk again nearly drove her mad. There were so many things she desired. But even as she thought of these, Jacob’s image filled her thoughts. She desired him, as well, but there seemed to be little hope of resolving that problem.

The more she thought about it, the more Helaina needed an answer. Jacob was due back any time now, but it wouldn’t be for long. Leah had mentioned on more than one occasion that her brother had made up his mind to honor his commitment to Captain Latimore. He would head north when the good captain came with his ship. Helaina had contemplated imposing herself on the trip. Perhaps if she reminded Captain Latimore that she was to have been assistant to the map maker, she, too, might gain passage on the
Homestead
.

There simply seemed no easy answers. If she went north with the men, she’d never make it back to New York this year. Despair dogged her every step. There was no way to resolve the matter without the need to forsake something she loved.

Why does this have to be so hard?

Leah moved slowly around the house. Advanced in her pregnancy, Leah felt more confident than ever that the baby must be Jayce’s child. Just the fact that she was already showing signs of being ready to give birth made this even more certain. By her best calculations, if she’d gotten pregnant on her wedding night, the baby would be due in late June or early July.

Throughout the winter Leah had worked to ready her life and her home for the arrival of this new life. She and Jayce both agreed the house was not big enough for their family, so plans were in the works to build a new house and leave this one to Jacob.

‘‘I’ve got the money,’’ Jayce had told her. ‘‘We might as well use it for our own comfort.’’ And with that he’d accompanied Jacob to Nome to place an order for supplies.

But Leah wasn’t sure that Jayce could be totally happy in Last Chance. There wasn’t much in the way that he could do to gainfully employ himself, and while he had money in the bank from his inheritance, they certainly couldn’t live off of it the rest of their lives.

It troubled Leah, for she knew in her heart that a man needed to have a job that he could call his own. Thoughts of having to move from Last Chance to live in Nome or one of the larger Alaska settlements like Sitka or Seward tormented Leah. She would miss the people in Last Chance, but worse yet, she would miss Alaska if Jayce decided there was no other answer but to move away.

Another troubling thought was how to help Jacob deal with the loss of Helaina Beecham. He’d been gone a great deal throughout the winter, but as he’d told Leah on his last trip home, now nearly a month past, he always knew Helaina would be waiting here and that comforted his heart. But soon she would go back to New York, and Jacob would have to face the fact that she would never come back.

‘‘He can’t live there and she can’t live here,’’ Leah said sadly.

Leah had never seen Helaina as an ideal woman to be Jacob’s wife anyway. Helaina was so willful and headstrong, although that had been tempered by her spiritual growth. Still, Helaina was used to having things her way and living a life of luxury. She was a wealthy widow with a home in both New York and in Washington, D.C. Neither place could Jacob ever call home.

‘‘It seems we are all in a dilemma regarding our home,’’ she told herself. She glanced around at her meager surroundings and realized that deep in her heart, she did want more. She wanted a regular house and a yard where her children could play and have adventures. Of course, the Alaskan wilderness provided the biggest yard of all, but Leah knew the dangers there. Only last week one of the village children had gone wandering off, not to be seen again. The family was still out searching for the three-year-old, but there wasn’t much hope of finding him alive. That sorrowed

Leah deeply, for the family, like all families in Last Chance, was precious to her.

‘‘Leah, are you here?’’ Helaina called from the outside door.

‘‘I’m in the main room,’’ Leah replied.

Helaina came through the hall and lifted the fur that divided the room from the rest of the house. ‘‘Do you have time for a chat?’’

Leah nodded. ‘‘I was just getting ready to sew more clothes for the baby.’’ She patted her belly. ‘‘It won’t be long now.’’

‘‘I know. It’s all so very exciting. I’m hoping you’ll have the baby before I . . . leave.’’ Helaina frowned and took a seat at the table. ‘‘That’s what I want to talk to you about.’’

Leah brought her sewing basket and awkwardly lowered herself to the chair. ‘‘About leaving?’’

Helaina seemed to consider her words for a moment. To Leah she seemed quite troubled. ‘‘Yes. About leaving and about Jacob.’’

‘‘What about Jacob?’’

‘‘Leah, I’m in love with your brother. I know that sounds ridiculous.’’ ‘‘Why? Why should it sound ridiculous for someone to fall in love with Jacob? He’s a wonderful man.’’

‘‘He is,’’ she said, leaning forward. ‘‘He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever known. He’s smart and trustworthy too. He never fails to amaze me with his knowledge.’’

Leah smiled. ‘‘He is quite incredible. He’s taught me a great deal. He tried so hard to be both father and mother to me, but as I told him long ago, I preferred he just be my brother, for that was what I needed from him most.’’

Leah picked up a small gown and began to work on the hem. ‘‘But I’m sure,’’ she added, ‘‘that you did not come here to hear stories of brothers and sisters. Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind?’’

‘‘Well, as you know the breakup has started, and the ships will soon arrive.’’

‘‘Yes. We can expect the first ones within the next couple of weeks. Everyone always gets so anxious for that first ship,’’ Leah said with a grin. The memories of nearly a dozen years flooded her mind. Even the natives had come to appreciate the appearance of the revenue cutters.

‘‘Well, I’m not anticipating it like I thought I would. Truth be told, I’m quite torn about leaving.’’

‘‘Because of Jacob?’’ Leah asked.

Helaina nodded and looked at the table. ‘‘I long for my home in New York. I sometimes miss it so much that it’s all I can think about. But then I think of Jacob, and I know that leaving him will hurt me . . . maybe more than I can bear.’’ She got up and began to pace. ‘‘I never planned to fall in love again. Robert was everything to me. To my way of thinking, he was perfect. But now I believe Jacob is perfect, and strangely enough, the two men are nothing alike.’’

‘‘Jacob is far from perfect, and it’s never good for a woman to consider a man in that light. We are all human, Helaina. We will disappoint each other at some point. If you put my brother on a pedestal, he will fall off of it.’’

‘‘I know that. I know he’s just a man, but he’s the man I’ve grown to love. I know you can’t understand my point, but when Robert died, a part of my heart died too. I became guarded and protective of myself. I had so many men come calling—all wanting to be my suitor. Most were more interested in courting my bankbooks than me, but all were ever so concerned with my being left a widow.’’ She gave Leah a bittersweet smile. ‘‘See, I’d not only inherited Robert’s money, but Stanley and I split a huge estate left by my parents.’’

‘‘I knew you were quite wealthy simply by the way you were able to afford outfitting the
Homestead
last fall before we returned to Nome.’’

‘‘Money has never been a problem. The problem is my heart. I want to stay with Jacob. I want him to fall as deeply in love with me as I am with him, but I know he loves Alaska.’’

‘‘And he won’t leave,’’ Leah said, knowing her brother’s thoughts on the matter. ‘‘He might relocate to other parts of the territory, but he won’t go back to the States. You might as well know that.’’

‘‘I do,’’ Helaina replied sadly. ‘‘I suppose that’s why I’m here.’’

‘‘I don’t understand. Do you want me to convince him to go?’’ Leah put down her sewing. ‘‘Because I won’t do that.’’

‘‘No.’’ Helaina shook her head and retook her seat. ‘‘You misunderstand me. I suppose I just need . . . well . . . I guess I don’t know what I need.’’ She sighed.

Leah felt the woman’s sorrow. There were no easy answers for her in this matter; Leah had already contemplated the situation many times. ‘‘Helaina, at first I really didn’t want you having any part of Jacob’s life. You were troublesome to me because of your job and your focus on justice at any price. Now, however, you’ve really changed as you’ve gotten to know the truth of God’s Word. Your heart is completely different.’’

‘‘But you still don’t like the fact that I’m in love with your brother.’’

‘‘It isn’t that,’’ Leah said, meeting Helaina’s intense stare. ‘‘It’s that I know Jacob will never leave Alaska, and you seem just as unwilling to leave New York and your old world behind. Jacob would never fit into that world. You need to know that. He would never be comfortable in the city. He hated Seattle and seldom ventured from the house where we stayed. He hates the noise and the traffic—you surely remember that.’’

‘‘I do,’’ she said in a barely audible voice.

‘‘He’s not going to suddenly change and love it all as you do.’’

‘‘So what you’re saying to me is that I must either give up New York and my life as I knew it, or I must give up Jacob.’’

Leah nodded. ‘‘I see no other alternative.’’

‘‘But if Jacob loves me . . .’’ She paused and looked away. ‘‘Wouldn’t he at least be willing to try?’’

‘‘At what price?’’

‘‘I don’t know. I suppose he would have to come with me to New York and sample the life there.’’

Leah shook her head and got up. ‘‘Helaina, he knows what city life is all about. He hates it there. Would you, loving him as you do, cage him like that? He might be willing to try—he might in fact love you so much that he would leave Alaska. But I think that in time it would kill him, and if not that, it would destroy your love for each other. Could you live with that?’’

Helaina’s shoulders slumped forward. ‘‘No. I couldn’t hurt him that way.’’ She looked at Leah with tears in her eyes. ‘‘I suppose the right thing to do is just go home without telling him how I feel.’’

Leah’s heart nearly broke for the woman. She was truly in love with Jacob—apparently enough to let him live the life he needed to live. Leah had to admire that. She knew from the past that it wasn’t easy to let go of a dream—especially when that demanded you also let go of your heart.

Chapter Twenty-six

J
acob returned two days later. Helaina watched him from afar at first. She busied herself with Emma’s children and tried to pretend that it didn’t matter.
Leave him alone,
she warned herself.
Don’t give him any reason to think you care as much as you do
.

But when Saturday rolled around and the village joined together to celebrate the spring breakup, Helaina couldn’t avoid his company.

‘‘I haven’t seen much of you,’’ Jacob said as he came to stand beside her. Native dancers were just starting to perform.

‘‘I’ve been helping Emma with the children and packing. We leave in a few days, you know.’’

Jacob frowned. ‘‘Yes, I know. I wanted to talk to you about that. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking out on the trail. Isolation gives a man plenty of time to consider what’s important.’’

Helaina felt a band tighten around her chest. The last thing she wanted was for Jacob to declare his undying love or, worse yet, tell her that he’d changed his mind and was mistaken about his feelings.

‘‘Oh, look. There’s Leah. I didn’t think she’d be able to make it,’’ Helaina said. ‘‘Come on, let’s go help her.’’