Ahab's Wife (47 page)

S
ENTIMENTALLY
, I wished I could hire the
Camel
to take me back to the Island, as it had taken me away. But Captain Mustachio was away. I hired a sloop to take me directly from Nantucket to the Lighthouse.

As I sailed away from Nantucket, I felt the final loosening of the bonds that marriage to Kit had imposed upon my spirit. Now I was married, but because my husband was independent, so was I. Yet I missed Ahab, and a lump rose in my throat whenever I thought of him. I thought of John Donne's poem “A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning,” in which one is to imagine a compass describing a circle. The woman is the fixed point of that inverted V formed by the stance of the two-legged compass upon the paper. While the circle is drawn, the woman who is at its center merely turns in place. The man makes his circular voyage. Donne says that if the circle of the man's voyage widens to a larger radius, then the fixed foot “leans, and hearkens after it,” which is true: as the circle becomes larger the compass stretches ever flatter to the page. So I felt myself to ever be harkening and leaning after Ahab as he sailed farther and farther away, even though in my case I had my own little journeys to make. In spirit, I was fixed in place, yearning, if not mourning, for my husband.

And when the voyager comes home—to complete the compass figure—the twin arms embrace; he stands perpendicular to the page, erect, his wife beside him.

During the last three weeks in Nantucket, waiting for spring as a safe time for my own travel, my longing for Ahab, my strong desire that he should see his hearth and home so beautifully and completely furnished, that he should take happy pride in my pregnancy, that he should share again with me that bed where our heads had made but one dent—all such desires had grown every day. My waist was thickening ever so slightly; in my breasts a special tenderness rapidly developed. I needed much sleep, and my appetite, particularly for the judge's jams and jellies, increased geometrically. (The judge had found an importer of the wares of missionaries' wives; hence, my jellies might be based on mangos from India, kiwi, coconut, pomegranate from the
Holy Land. From the California territory came an avocado paste that I adored on salty crackers.)

When two more weeks had passed and there was no possibility of error, I told the judge that Ahab and I were to have a child; then the judge branched into other fine foods for me—caviar from Russia, French pâtés, double Gloucester cheeses, heart of palm, water chestnuts from China. I saw him every day and ate with him perhaps as frequently as every other day.

As I sailed the open water toward the Lighthouse, it pleased my grateful heart no end that Charlotte and Mr. Hussey had decided to move to town and that I had been able to offer them hospitality at Heather's Moor. Their new tavern would be more extensive than the old one, though many of the old fixtures, including the wonderful seasoned chowder pots, were to be moved. Mr. Hussey insisted that I be given a silent partnership in the new Try Pots Tavern, which he swore would eventually bring me in a nice income. The judge himself considered the money I provided to be a wise financial investment, though I would have been happy to throw it down a rat hole for their sake.

Charlotte invested the relocation of home and livelihood with her usual radiant cheer. She seemed truly happy, and I was glad I had chosen to let stand the judge's erroneous conclusion that Kit was dead. I tried my best to examine motives advantageous
to myself
in the idea that I had become a widow before becoming a wife for the second time, but I convinced myself that
Charlotte's
welfare accounted for my choice primarily. I was not entirely pure, and to this day I feel some guilt and discomfort over the issue. But human beings are morally complex, women as well as men, and I must live with that.

During these weeks, as the spring came on, I had run up two beautiful dresses for my dear Nantucket friends Charlotte and Mrs. Macy, and I wrote twice to Margaret Fuller, who duly sent me the works of Goethe, but alas they were in German, which she bade me learn. By another route, I acquired English translations. I preferred the story
The Apprenticeship of Wilhelm Meister
to that of Werther; while Werther disintegrated, Wilhelm learned from the wonder of life, and grew.

My sea journey took but a day and a night and half of the next day. We were a little out of our way, for my boat commander perceived squalls developing on the horizon ahead, and he wisely chose to navigate
around. In truth, I did not like the idea of a rough sea. While I had had no experience at all of nausea with my pregnancy, I did not want to test my immunity.

The Lighthouse appeared as vague as a stroke of charcoal, on its headland, in the misty distance, much as it had when I was twelve years old and approaching it for the first time. It seemed to me a totem of family love, insular, safe, and complete. My excitement was an evanescence all through my body. I hoped my babe, no larger than a small fish, swam in those bubbles and participated in their joy. What wonderful people they were—Uncle, Aunt, and Frannie. I adored and treasured each of them. And their new child, too.

Now I could see that the column was made of stones, and I could discern the open balcony that encircled the tower just below the lantern room. As they had approached in the
Petrel,
Kit and Giles had seen me up there, fighting an eagle. The roof of the cottage became visible when the
Cricket
hove around the headland and approached the small wharf on the low side of the Island. Goats! They still had the goats.

A wind was coming up steadily, and it must have been fierce enough on the Island to keep the family inside. Smoke came from the chimney, puffing away quickly in the wind. I wanted them to notice our arrival and come out. I wanted to see Frannie jumping with delight.

As we approached the dock, a child in brown trousers ran from the door. Not Frannie, and far too old to be the new baby, if he was a boy. Perhaps they had taken in another cousin. I felt a small stab of jealousy. I wanted nothing to have changed; I wanted no replacement by some distant kin. I felt confused by this child, who exhibited no particular excitement in us.

I stepped onto the dock, while the boy called over his shoulder, “Ma! Pa!” His adults came out—not Aunt and Uncle. My head spun with the confusion and disappointment of it. I nearly fainted and went down on one knee. Quickly the woman ran to help me up. I peered into her face, which acted as my mirror, as though I had lost my mind. Here was a pale, middle-aged woman, with smooth brown hair and brown eyes. An ordinary woman. Nothing of Aunt's fierce spirit about her. She was speaking, but I could not answer her. The captain of my sloop came forward, explaining for me, and they helped me into the house.

Here again, all was changed. The table was in the middle of the
room, not with one end lodged against the window. Different rugs were upon the floor. No basket of shells sat on the hearth.

The stone walls were the same; the tower had appeared the same, but these were like empty shells, inhabited not by their natural spirits but by hermit crabs. These people shocked me in their physical beings, for not being Aunt, Uncle, and Frannie. They seemed grotesque.

Eventually, I learned that my kinsfolk had moved.

Where had they gone?

Inland. Inland. They were gone to the Great Lakes. That coastline also needed lighthouses and keepers. They had gone to the inland sea. I was invited to eat, but I could not. As soon as I had my wits about me, I told the boatman we would leave. Though he thought me not altogether well and proposed he take me back to Nantucket, I told him I had everything I needed for the trek to Kentucky, and I directed him to sail to New Bedford.

I sat in the stern of the boat. The weather was coming in on us, and an ever-thickening mist veiled the cottage and the tower. While the place seemed dreamy and unreal, I knew it was solid enough. The buildings were of stone and endured. But the soft life within, the past I had assumed was immutable and permanent, had fled like a ghost, like forgetting.

I made myself look forward. Then, like Lot's wife, I felt compelled to look back. I saw the column on its bulge of earth, like a monument on a grave. As I watched, the tower seemed to break in the center and fold itself, headfirst, into the sea.

I made no cry, for I had no faith that anything was real.

Y
OU DON
'
T
get it back,” Rebekkah Swain said to me. Like a gigantic furnace, powerful enough to heat all of New Bedford, she glowed behind the desk in a dress of red satin with a golden panel, wide as a road, down the center. “At least not the same room.” Floating above the registration counter, her face seemed rounder than the sun.
On the counter sat a magnificent globe of the world, such as might have graced a rich man's library instead of the desk of the Sea-Fancy Inn. I wondered if the proprietress recognized me. Her own mixed and multiple heritage presented itself in her countenance. “And who are you now?” Rebekkah Swain asked, even as I attempted to puzzle out the essence of her identity.

“The wife of Captain Ahab of the
Pequod
. Una.”

“Ahab! That volcano! Has he erupted yet?”

“What do you mean?”

She did not reply, but studied me. “So you've married him. He's old.”

“I am with child.”

With her hands, she smoothed her own enormous belly. There could have been ten babies lodged there, or a hundred. She smiled and continued to rub her belly. “Another baby?”

“It is my first.”

“Another baby,” she repeated. “And you yourself have traveled a long way.” With one finger she poked one side of the hemisphere of her stomach; with the other hand, she indented the other side. “From here to here, yes? Halfway around the world and back?”

“Partway back,” I replied, following her metaphor. “I'll travel overland to Pittsburgh and then steamboat down the Ohio, to home.”

“Here. Sign the book.” She handed me a quill. “Wait.” She turned the page. “I'll give you a clean page. It's more than most get.”

“And you have a room for me?”

“For you? People have moved on. Graduated, you might say. I think a vacant room is on the ground floor now. Next to mine.”

“Then I've come down in the world instead of up.”

“Turn the world upside down, and you've come up.” From its cradle on the counter, she grabbed the globe and inverted it. “It depends on you, how you count my meaning.”

If anything, she was more enormous, this woman who had used her house as a chair. Swollen with living, she seemed. Her face and head were nearly the size of a small tub; her body was far fuller than any washtub I had ever seen. Her head, her body, and the globe seemed like three gigantic soap bubbles stuck together. They grew larger, trembling, as I watched.

“I'm dizzy. May I go to a room?”

I
LAY DOWN
at once, hanging my feet over the edge of the strange bed so as not to sully the coverlet.

When, as a virgin in a navy-blue dress, I last rested at the Sea Fancy Inn, Rebekkah Swain had seemed more friendly. Now she radiated heat, glowing and glowering, ready to melt me down for recasting. Then I had imagined her protective, instructive. She had sent me aloft, so to speak, to the top of the house; she had given me a view. Now she was not quite menacing, but I did not understand her at all. She seemed unpredictable, and for all her solid flesh, insubstantial, as though she quivered at the threshold of disappearing into nothingness, as bubbles do.

I myself felt unmoored, drifting. It was my disappointment at the Lighthouse, I thought. Frannie and I had played at making the tower a kind of god. But the granite shaft had only been the most conspicuous feature of the godhead, like a gigantic nose supported, after all, by surrounding features and the rocky skull. The stone cottage, the people who dwelt there, the Island itself—they all composed the icon of my childhood. What did it mean that the column buckled and fell into the sea, that the mist shrouded all? Had I sailed irrevocably to another land? Suppose my mother was dead!

When I had left what was dear to me, at sixteen, I had scarcely considered remaining on the Island. My life had seemed
away
. Seeming, seeming—it is a world of seeming, and Mrs. Swain was right: what I had lightly left was now most precious, and my struggle was to reclaim it. Perhaps pregnancy made me dizzy. Topsy-turvy, I seemed to walk on the ceiling, my head hanging down, and I looked up to look down.

Below, with my mind's eye, which perhaps is the only true eye, I saw a sinuous river, the Ohio, brown, freighted with mud, curving through the mixed green of hardwood and pine, toward home.

My perspective floated yet upward, past clouds and through the thinnest blue. I traversed clear nothingness to a ghostly daytime moon. From thence, across the space of nothing, Earth tumbled and bounced, untethered, like a child's runaway ball. Mutating, the world took the shape of Mrs. Swain, looking like a Chinese pincushion such as sailors bring home for their wives. Bent over in a satin sheen, holding her
ankles, Mrs. Swain's back, big as the curve of the world, presented itself as a stable for gigantic pins.

I gulped and swallowed myself back inside my brain, my room, where I lay fatigued, with my feet over the end of the bedstead. Sleep sat beside me and soothed my brow with the hand of a woman. Almost asleep, floating down the corridor of memory to the second floor of Mrs. Swain's Sea-Fancy, I sought the hall of women, where each had bent her eyes to her art. I could not see them; they had vanished. My fancy denied me their figures. Neither the Aleut with her cud of leather nor the Belgian with her web of lace pinned to the cushion in her lap, nor any woman, remained, but, in their empty seats, they had left their work.