Adultery (25 page)

It’s not that at all, I say. Just leave me alone, please. I’ll be fine in a little while.

Someone from the support team comes to collect our outfits and special shoes and hands us our coats. I do everything automatically, but my every move brings me back to a different world, the one we call the “real” world, the one where I don’t want to be at all.

But I have no choice. The only thing I can do is ask my husband to leave me alone for a while. He asks if we should go back to the hotel because it’s cold. No, I’m fine right here.

I sit there for half an hour, crying. Tears of bliss that wash
my soul. Finally, I realize that it is time to return to the world for good.

I get up. We go to the hotel, get our car, and my husband drives back to Geneva. The radio is on so no one feels compelled to talk. I gradually begin to get a terrible headache, but I know what it is: my blood returning to parts that were blocked by emotions that are finally beginning to dissolve. The moment of release is accompanied by pain, but it’s always been that way.

He doesn’t need to explain what he said yesterday. I don’t need to explain what I felt today.

The world is perfect.

IN JUST
one hour the year will come to an end. The city decided on significant spending cuts for Geneva’s traditional New Year’s Eve celebrations, so we will have fewer fireworks. It’s just as well; I’ve seen fireworks my whole life and they no longer give me the same thrill as they did when I was a child.

I cannot say I am going to miss these past 365 days. The wind blew, lightning struck, and the sea nearly capsized my boat, but in the end I managed to cross the ocean and reach dry land.

Dry land? No relationship should go off in search of that. What kills a relationship between two people is precisely the lack of challenge, the feeling that nothing is new anymore. We need to continue to be a surprise for each other.

It all begins with a big party. Friends come out, the celebrant says things he’s repeated at hundreds of weddings, like that idea of building a house on rock, and not on sand. The guests throw rice; we throw the bouquet. The single women secretly envy us, and the married women know we are starting on a path that is not at all like what we’ve read about in fairy tales.

And then reality gradually begins to set in, but we don’t accept it. We want our partner to remain the person we met at the altar and with whom we exchanged rings. As if we could stop time.

We cannot. We should not. Wisdom and experience don’t change the man. Time doesn’t change the man. The only thing that changes us is love. While I was in the air, I understood that my love for life, for the universe, was more powerful than anything.

I REMEMBER
a sermon written by a young unknown nineteenth-century pastor analyzing the Epistle of Saint Paul to the Corinthians and the various sides that Love reveals as it grows. He tells us that many of the spiritual texts we see today are addressed to only one part of man.

They offer Peace, but do not speak of Life.

They discuss Faith, but forget Love.

They tell us about Justice, and do not mention Revelation, like the one I had when I jumped from the precipice in Interlaken and the one that got me out of the black hole I had dug in my soul.

May it always be clear that only True Love can compete with any other Love in this world. When we give everything, we have nothing more to lose. And then fear, jealousy, boredom, and monotony disappear, and all that remains is the light from a void that does not frighten us, but brings us closer to one another. The light that always changes, and that is what makes it beautiful and full of surprises—not always those we hope for, but those we can live with.

To love abundantly is to live abundantly.

To love forever is to live forever. Eternal life is coupled with Love.

Why do we want to live forever? Because we want to live another day with this person by our side. Because we want to keep going with someone who deserves our Love, and who knows how to love us as we think we deserve to be loved.

Because living is loving.

Even Love for a pet—a dog, for example—can justify the life of a human being. If he no longer has this bond of Love in his life, any reason to keep on living also disappears.

Let us first seek Love, and everything else will be added.

During these ten years of marriage, I have enjoyed almost every pleasure a woman can have, and had to bear things I did not deserve. Yet when I look back, there were only a few moments—usually very short—when I was able to find even a poor imitation of what I imagine True Love to be: the birth of my children, when I sat holding hands with my husband and looking at the Alps, or the enormous jet of water in Lake Geneva. But these few moments are what justify my existence, because they give me the strength to keep going and bring joy to my days—no matter how much I tried to bring them sorrow.

I go to the window and look at the city outside. The snow they had promised did not fall. Still, I think this is one of the most romantic New Year’s Eves I have ever had, because I was dying and Love revived me. Love, the only thing that will remain when the human race has died out.

Love. My eyes well up with tears of joy. No one can force himself to love, nor can he force another person. All you can do is look at Love, fall in love with Love, and imitate it.

There is no other way to achieve love and there is no mystery about it. We love others, we love ourselves, we love our enemies, and then we will never want for anything in our lives. I can turn on the television and see what is happening around the world because, as long as a bit of Love exists in these tragedies, we are heading for salvation. Because Love begets more Love.

Those who know how to love, love Truth, rejoice with the Truth, and do not fear it, because sooner or later it redeems everything. They seek the Truth with a clear, humble mind lacking prejudice or intolerance—and are ultimately satisfied with what they find.

Perhaps the word “sincerity” isn’t the best way to explain this characteristic of Love, but I can’t find any other. I’m not
talking about the sincerity that demeans those close to you; True Love does not consist of exposing your weaknesses to others, but instead of being unafraid to show when you need help and rejoicing in finding that things are better than what others said.

I think fondly of Jacob and Marianne. Unwittingly, they brought me back to my husband and my family. I hope they are happy on this last night of the year, and that all this also brought them closer together.

Am I trying to justify my adultery? No. I sought Truth and I found it. I hope it’s like that for everyone who has had this experience.

Learn to love better.

This should be our goal in the world: learn to love.

Life offers us thousands of opportunities for learning. Every man and every woman, in every day of our lives, always has a good opportunity to surrender to Love. Life is not a long vacation, but a constant learning process.

And the most important lesson is learning to love.

Loving better and better. Because the languages, the countries, the solid Swiss Confederation, Geneva and the street where I live with its lampposts, our house, the living-room furniture, it will all disappear … and my body will disappear, too.

But one thing will be forever marked on the soul of the universe: my Love. All in spite of my mistakes, my decisions that caused others to suffer, and the moments when I thought it didn’t exist.

I LEAVE
the window and call out to my children and husband. I say that—according to tradition—we have to climb up on the sofa in front of the fireplace and, exactly at midnight, step on the floor with our right foot.

“Darling, it’s snowing!”

I rush to the window again and look at the light of one of the streetlamps. Yes, it’s snowing! How had I not noticed before?

“Can we go outside?” asks one of the children.

Not yet. First we will climb on the sofa, eat twelve grapes, and save the seeds to have prosperity all year long. We will do everything we learned from our ancestors.

Then we will go outside to celebrate life. I am sure that the new year will be excellent.

Geneva, November 30, 2013

An A. A. Knopf Reading Group Guide

Adultery by
Paulo Coelho

The questions, discussion topics, and reading list that follow are intended to enhance your reading group’s discussion of
Adultery
, international best-selling author Paulo Coelho’s gripping, intensely psychological portrait of a marriage on the brink of collapse, and the complex emotions that surface when trust is breached in a relationship.

ABOUT THIS BOOK

Provocative and compelling,
Adultery
is international best-selling author Paulo Coelho’s deeply introspective novel about how one woman confronts her midlife malaise—and the consequences that her decisions have on her personal life and self-esteem. With keen insight into the psychological motivations that drive behavior,
Adultery
takes readers on a journey through the spectrum of human emotion.

From the outside, Linda, the protagonist of
Adultery
, appears to have it all: a career as a respected journalist, a doting husband, loving children, and a beautiful home in Geneva. But despite these comforts, she feels crushingly alone—and bored with the routine of her stable life. As her dissatisfaction spirals into depression, thoughts of radical changes begin to excite her more and more. When a friend from the past comes back into her life, she becomes overwhelmed with impulses and urges that have lain dormant for years. Seized by desires of passionate affair, she goes down a path that she never dreamed she would take, destabilizing the comfortable life she has created for herself and her family—and ultimately, forcing herself to confront her demons. With stunningly rendered prose and nuanced character portraits,
Adultery
is an accomplished novel that explores the moral and psychological questions that make people tick.

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

1.    In the beginning of the novel, Linda describes herself as risk-averse. How does the concept of risk taking factor into the protagonist’s actions throughout the novel? By the end of the novel, do you think that she associates risk with reward?

2.    How is love defined throughout
Adultery
? On
this page
, Linda contemplates requited versus unrequited love. Which type of love do you believe is more transformative in the novel?

3.    Throughout the novel, the protagonist attempts to articulate what her unhappiness feels like: “an animal who can’t quite understand how it got caught in the trap,” a “spongy black hole.” How did these analogies help to shape your understanding of her mental state? Did you feel sympathy for the character throughout your reading experience?

4.    On
this page
, Linda claims she feels “comfortable in my madness.” Are there points where you feel that she is losing touch with reality or giving in to delusional thinking?

5.    Why is Jacob so attractive to Linda? Is it the illicitness of their affair that excites her, or does she have a genuine appreciation for his personality? What aspects of his personality are most appealing to her?

6.    On
this page
, the protagonist emphasizes the importance of “keeping up appearances.” How does that need to exhibit a normal, happy life arise throughout
Adultery
? Where in the novel do the boundaries between public and private personas become blurred?

7.    Discuss the significance of the novel
Frankenstein
throughout
Adultery.
How is the scientist/monster dichotomy reflected in the Linda’s own personality and actions?

8.    On
this page
, the protagonist laments that all she feels is “insomnia, emptiness, and apathy, and, if you just ask yourselves, you’re feeling the same thing.” Why do you think the author chose to direct that sentiment toward the reader? Are there other places in the novel wherein the protagonist assumes the reader feels the same way she does?

9.    Examine the scene in which Marianne and Jacob dine with Linda and her husband. Based on what was said, do you think that Marianne had any suspicion about her husband’s affair? Or did Linda’s anxiety about the situation color her perception of Marianne’s words?

10.  Discussions regarding drug usage in Switzerland occur several times
in the book.
Before going to meet the drug dealer, Linda notes that the Swiss “both prohibit and tolerate” drugs at the same time (
this page
). What does this contradiction say about Swiss culture?

11.  
Adultery
is set in Switzerland, and mentions of Swiss culture pepper the narrative. Discuss what you learned about Geneva and Swiss culture. Did anything surprise you? Are there any connections to be made between the discussion of cultural norms in Swiss culture and the protagonist’s actions?

12.  As her affair progresses, Linda’s actions and thoughts take a darker, more obsessive tone. Did your perception of her change throughout the novel? How did you react to her decision to “destroy” Marianne?

13.  
Adultery
is a novel that explores the line between morality and immorality. How does Linda define morality? How does her husband? What actions—if any—would you deem immoral?

14.  It could be argued that
Adultery
is about examining selfhood. How does Linda’s understanding of herself and her desires change by the end of the novel? What does her affair teach her about herself? About her relationship with her husband? Do you think she regrets her affair?

15.  Discuss the scene in which the protagonist and her husband go paragliding (
this page
). How does that experience transform her? Why do you think she cries after she lands?

SUGGESTED READING

A.SA. Harrsion,
The Silent Wife