ACV's 1 Operation Black Gold (9 page)

Buff dug me in the ribs and whispered in my ear.  ‘Is that the clock thing?’

‘Aye.’  I confirmed.  Anyone tampering with a console or entering the wrong passwords will eventually lead to a signal being sent to the consoles internal clock giving it a date it cannot possibly recognise and crashing.  The only way it could be removed was by resetting it at start up with a GMT time signal.  It seemed my small brainstorm had reaped the whirlwind, Buff was in kinks, ‘even I could do that,’ he boasted. 

Captain Stewart took a step forward.  ‘Are you trying to tell me you can fix them?’

‘Well you have to be connected to a mainframe, but yes, there’s nothing easier it only takes a few seconds.’  I could see a light spark in his eyes.  It could be he had just landed the biggest fish the army had seen in years; but the fisherman was about to snag his line on a shark. 

He was looking at Buff sceptically.  ‘You can fix them too.’

‘He could,’ I butted in.  ‘When I was writing the program, I invited Buff over to help me make it Jock proof and Jock friendly.  The ham-fisted shit crashed the program that many times, I got sick of resetting it myself and showed him how.  Do you still remember how Buff?’

He shook his head, ‘nah, don’t think so, but I still mine my log on code.’

‘His contribution to the program was invaluable,’ I added.

‘Hey, d’ye remember á they error messages we made up Jim.’

Now it was my turn to start laughing.  A thought flashed across my mind and I almost went into hysterics. 

‘Whit, whit, whit?’

It was a full minute before I could draw breath and answer him.  ‘They’re still there.’

‘Whit.’  His jaw dropped.  ‘I though ye were going to change them.’

‘I forgot; I was going to do it when they sent it back, but they never did.  Hey do you remember the one about the popcorn.’  The audacity of it hit him and he joined me in laughter.  There were a lot of puzzled looks floating around.

‘What did you write about popcorn?’  The officer asked intrigued.

‘Why?’  I could see the hook bite a little deeper.

‘Just curious.’

‘I bet that’s a well-kept secret Jim.’  We both fell about laughing, but there was more to it than that, I could see it in his eyes.

‘I’ll tell you what, you tell me what you know about popcorn and I’ll tell you what I wrote.’  The hook sank deeper.

‘You tell me first.’ 

It was like a child’s game I conceded.  ‘OK you know every time you go up in rank you get a new clearance and password.  Well you also get a new error message.  When you reach the higher ranks General, Brigadier etc. the message goes something like this.  To receive this high a clearance you must be a highly respected and highly placed member of the Armed Forces, no doubt entrusted with the lives of many.  However to make so silly a mistake in so simple a procedure, I would personally have great difficulty putting you in charge of anything more dangerous than a bowl of popcorn.  Please press the space bar to reset and try again.’  That brought a general round of mirth even this Captain Stewart seemed to thaw a little.  ‘Your turn.’

‘It’s nothing much, once after a big exercise I saw a Brigadier lose his temper when his opponent handed him a bowl of it.’

The two MP’s exchanged glances and joined in.  ‘There’s one of those machines for making it at HQ.  It’s always got to be full before an exercise.’

‘Aye, I was at a big function one night and saw a General being presented with a silver bowl of it.  He was clapped and cheered.  Didna seem to be very amused by it but he ate the lot.’

They were silenced by a look from the officer.  It seems the General Staff had turned a bad joke into a small tradition.

‘I’m actually beginning to believe you.  Do you think you could still fix those consoles?’

‘Piece of piss.’ 

‘It will give you something to do in prison then won’t it.’

Now that was definitely sarcasm.  Here we go again, I thought, more bloody threats.  By this time, I was getting whole-heartedly sick of them.  ‘Still don’t believe me eh!’

‘Well let’s just say I’m a little sceptical.  The army have had a team of experts on this for years.  It’s a little much to believe that after all these years a man can walk in off the street and fix the lot overnight.’

‘You’ve got a good point.  So find a console crash it and I’ll fix it.’

‘Oh no, I’m not going to jail, you are.’

‘Even for a small one, like the one at the entrance?’

‘Well no, but it is still a chargeable offence.’

‘I’ll tell you what Buff will log on and crash it.  You don’t even have to go near it.  If I can’t fix it, well you arrived five minutes later.  They’ll all back you up, you weren’t even here.’  He was still dubious shaking his head.  ‘Look what have you got to lose, a shitty we console that can’t do anything, or take a chance and save the army millions.’  I glanced at Grizz.

‘He’s got a point.  It could also help in his defence if you had proof he can do it.  If you don’t and nobody listens, they might lock him up and let him rot.  On the other hand, if they do listen to him then some other fucker will take all the credit.’

I could see him work it out in his mind.  It might even give his career a boost.  ‘Right you have five minutes, then you come quietly.’

I held a hand up in submission.  ‘Fine.’  The whole entourage made their way to the hallway.  ‘Do you remember how to do this?’  I asked Buff.

He barged me out of the way.  ‘Of course I do.’  We made our way to the entrance and the small console built into the wall there.  It was used to issue soldiers with timetables, company orders that sort of thing.

He started typing; I gave him a poke.  ‘Capitals remember.’

He scowled.  ‘Just practicing.’  He cleared the screen and started again.  I casually flicked through a small manual.  It was laid out the way I stipulated.  I soon found the reset procedure.  I bet hundreds of men had looked at it and wondered why it was there.  ‘That’s it Jim.’  He pushed the return button and a picture of an old wooden fishing vessel appeared on the screen for a few seconds before receding to the log on spot. 

‘Excuse me!  What the hell is that?’  The officer blurted, it was obvious neither he nor the MP’s had seen a log on picture before.  The rest neither knew nor cared except Abie who thought it was neat and said so.

‘Oh Buff wanted a picture instead of a log on name because he saw me with one.’

‘Can ye do that?’ asked one of the MP’s.

‘Can you make cheese from sour milk?  I countered.  Now I’m not trying to make out MP’s are thick or anything, but he actually had to think about that one.  ‘Come on Buff, what are ye waiting for, crash the fucking thing.’  Which with a grin he promptly managed within a minute.  ‘Now Mr. Stewart, would you like to confirm this console is completely and utterly crashed.’ 

He walked over quietly and tried in vain for a few minutes to reboot it.  ‘It’s completely fucked.’

‘Would any of your companions like to try?’ 

A pair of shaking heads was my answer to that.  I indicated he could re-join his companions.  He stared solemnly at it for a second, shook his head and turned away.  By the time he reached them, I had rebooted the console, logged on, and listed the program.  His first indication something untoward had happened was the look of horror that appeared on a MPs face as Baby flashed across the screen. 

‘What’s the matter?’ he whirled.  It must have been security officer’s worst nightmares come true.  The army’s top-secret program flashing across the screen and probably his career.  ‘What’s that?’  He pointed.

‘Binary.’  I told him.  The program stopped listing.  ‘That,’ I pointed to the text at the bottom of the screen is my name and address.’  He was close enough to read it, but he didn’t seem to like the truth very much.  ‘Which by the way is all wrong now.’  I started to correct it but he pushed me away.

‘For god’s sake, don’t touch anything.’

‘No, don’t you touch anything.  I’m only correcting my address now back off before you bump something and fuck up the whole system.’  He took a hasty step backwards and I completed my change of address added my phone number then let it run.  ‘Here you go, all fixed.’

He wiped the sweat from his forehead then lost his temper.  Buff got it as well, as he went into a rare old ranting session about authority and disclaimers.  I waited until he drew breath holding up my hand like a good little laddie at school.

‘Excuse me sir, but I’ve never signed any disclaimers or anything else for that matter.  I’ve already told you, I handed it over for what should have been a preliminary examination and never saw it again.  If all you’re worrying about is Buff’s and my ability to log on however I can fix that in a few seconds.  By the way he has the clearance of a General.’

‘What!  Get it off now.’  He was well past the point of rational thought.  I matched his aggressive manner with one of subservience. 

‘OK I’ll do it now.’  I turned back to the keyboard and started typing in straight binary.  I tapped in a five-digit code and pressed return.  Thereafter nothing else appeared on the screen until I hit the return button again.  An animated sequence started.  My log on picture filled the screen with flashing teeth and a dance of rage.

‘Oh shit,’ muttered one of the MPs.

‘Fucking hell,’ exclaimed an extremely impressed Abie.

‘There you go 'Mon Capitan' press any button you like and your problems will simply vanish.  I took a step back and leaned lightly against the wall.

‘What have you done?’

‘Only what you asked, please be my guest, press a button.’  He took a hesitant step forward.

‘Dinna.’  Buff stepped in.  I skewered him with a dirty look but he ignored me.

‘Why?’  Asked the now nervous man.

‘Is it nae obvious by now for fuck sake?  Jim really did write this and I know him.  He is setting you up for one almighty fucking fall.  I don’t know exactly fit he’s done there, but I can guarantee ye won’t be thanked for it if ye touch one of those buttons.’

I gave Buff one final dirty look and smirked nastily at Captain Stewart.  ‘What’s the matter ‘Mon Capitan,’ not want to play anymore.  Don’t you have the balls to push one of these buttons?’  Comprehension began to dawn on the man at last.  ‘Remember the old saying, he who giveth can also taketh away,’ I quoted as my hand swung towards the keyboard.

‘Noo.’  Both took a step towards me.

‘Jim they’ll lock you away forever.’  Buff protested.

‘Then I might get some piece in my life.  I’m sick of getting fucked over by every arsehole that comes along.  One way or another, it’s going to stop here and now.’

‘What will happen,’ asked the wide-eyed Captain.

‘You mean if I push one of these buttons,’ my hand swung over threateningly.  ‘Well I won’t be able to log on anymore that’s for sure, but then neither will anyone else.  You see I don’t exactly log on as such, I more sort of code on.  You see this wee fella here, well he runs the whole show.  When he goes well, the whole lot goes; simple init.’

The clicking of a gun hammer sounded loud in the tense silence.  ‘Move the fuck away from that thing,’ the smaller of the two MP’s had his automatic pointing at my head.  ‘Move the fuck away.’

‘Fuck you, shoot me and I’ll probably fall against it anyway.  Kill me and you’ll never be able to reset it.  You see the reset code is something that only means something to me.  You may, by some form of deductive reasoning, deduce what that something is, but then you have got to translate it in to pure binary and you have only got one crack at it.  Oh and just to make sure you know exactly what you’re dealing with here this,’ I indicated the screen, ‘Is exactly what every operator on every screen in the whole army is seeing right now.’

The corporal steadied his arm.  Now I have always hated being threatened and pointing a weapon of any description at me is the quickest way of making me lose it, and I lost it. 

‘Would you still like to arrest me,’ I offered up my wrists, ‘or maybe you’d just like to shoot me.’  The first step was jerky and hesitant.  I never felt the rest.  I walked right up and placed my forehead against the barrel.  ‘Come on then, fucking shoot me.’  My vision narrowed down to the man’s face.  I braced myself and started pushing.  The leading edge of my TOS protected my skin.  ‘COME ON,’ I screamed, ‘FUCKING DO IT, BLOW ME AWAY.’  I could barely hear the officer scream at him to put the gun away.  ‘Come on, DO IT,’ I trembled with rage.  ‘FUCKING DO IT.’