Acquainted With the Night (26 page)

CJ pulled down the cover and Alex sat down on the side of the bed, still trying to reorient herself to their sudden physical reunion. Making love had always meant reaffirming their connection to each other, but especially so for CJ, who wanted their sexual bond whether she was feeling good or bad, when she was feeling lonely or sad. Alex had always treasured CJ’s desire for her, like a gift of trust and comfort, but this felt different to her in some way she couldn’t identify.

Her disorientation increased when CJ leaned down to kiss her mouth slowly and deeply, then knelt down in front of her and gently pushed Alex onto her back.

“CJ, sweetheart—” Alex murmured.

“Hush now,” CJ responded, and she kissed her way up Alex’s bare thighs, then down the soft crease between hip and leg.

Alex leaned back and shut her eyes when CJ’s mouth touched her wetness. As CJ loved her with deliberate, caressing strokes, Alex felt herself surrendering, her heart as well as her body. She let CJ take her hurt away, erase the loneliness, destroy all the fears Alex had carried for so many months. She gave CJ all of her pain, and when her body surged triumphantly upward, tears welled up within her, joy and release.

CJ came up to the bed to lie with her, and Alex realized she was getting CJ very wet, from the leg of CJ’s jeans resting between her legs to the shoulder of her blouse where Alex was weeping quietly.

Alex lifted her head at last, and CJ brushed her tears from her cheeks. Alex welcomed the slight roughness of CJ’s scarred hands. She kissed each palm and said, “Come to bed, please.”

CJ undressed quickly and slipped in beside her. But when Alex turned over to face her, circling CJ with her arms, CJ kissed her softly and said, “Sleep a little, darlin’. It’s okay. I’m here.”

CJ did what she often did, slipping down to rest her head on Alex’s shoulder, compensating for the difference in their height. They fit together with perfect comfort. She curled around Alex’s side and Alex relaxed into her embrace and fell asleep almost at once.

* * *

When Alex awoke with a start, the room was pitch-black. She sat up, trying to shake off the dark emotions from a dream she couldn’t remember.

Reaching out, her hand found only vacant sheets and an empty pillow.
Oh God, oh God. It was just a dream.

She was still alone. CJ was still gone. She cried out incoherently.

An instant later, CJ was there at her side, asking, “What? What’s wrong?”

Alex collapsed a moment later into CJ’s arms, grasping her hard. “Oh, darlin’,” CJ said, soothingly, her hand stroking down Alex’s back. “I’m here, Alex. I’m here.”

“Sorry,” Alex managed after a minute. “Just a bad dream. I’m fine.”

CJ snapped on the bedside lamp, and Alex could see her eyes searching Alex’s face, looking for the truth. Alex wasn’t going to tell her that truth, not this time. CJ didn’t need to know how many nightmares there had been or how many sleepless nights, the fact that she was seeing a therapist. Alex could see the feelings of guilt surrounding CJ like an aura.

“I’m fine,” she repeated.

Looking doubtful, CJ handed her a water bottle. “I needed a drink, and I thought you might, too. It’s a dry climate and we’ve been using up a lot of extra moisture.”

Alex tried a half grin, and said, “We have, one way or another.”

CJ returned the tentative smile and said, “Drink, Irish.”

Alex took two long swallows of the cool water and handed the bottle back. “You’re right,” she said. “I needed that.”

CJ finished off the water, then went around to get back into bed. “Are you hungry? I’m afraid we missed dinner, but I have kitchen access. We could go down and rustle something up.”

“Rustle something up? Such a Westerner you’re becoming.”

CJ smiled and laid on her thickest southern drawl. “Ah reckon y’all has done converted li’l ole me,” she batted her eyelashes.

Alex actually started laughing, and CJ joined her. “Oh, God,” she said after a minute. “I really missed that.”

“What’s that?”

“Laughing with you. In bed.”

CJ lifted her eyebrows. “Not laughing
at
me, darlin’?’

Alex slid over to her and wrapped her arms around her. She felt CJ withdraw, just a little, and Alex leaned back to meet her eyes. “Baby, what is it?” Alex asked.

CJ drew one finger down Alex’s jaw. “You didn’t answer my question. Are you hungry?”

“Not particularly. Not for food, anyway.”

CJ tensed, just a little more, and Alex frowned. “You didn’t answer my question, either,” Alex persisted. “What’s wrong?”

“Alex, I…” CJ stopped. Alex waited, but CJ only dropped her eyes and said, “I’m just not ready yet, I guess.”

“Ready,” Alex repeated, her frown deepening. “You don’t want me to make love to you, is that it?”

“I just can’t,” CJ said unhappily.

Alex said in frustration, “I don’t understand. You were so wonderful to me. I’ve missed you so much. What is it?”

“I can’t,” CJ repeated helplessly.

“I know you’re feeling guilty, is that it?” Alex persisted. “You can’t…what, you don’t deserve to be loved, is that it?”

CJ looked away, unable to meet her gaze any longer, and bit her lip. “Yes. I don’t know, exactly. I just can’t right now. Please don’t be angry.”

Alex felt her heart breaking. “Jesus, CJ, I’m not angry. I
love
you. When you hurt, I hurt, don’t you know that?”

“Oh, Alex.” She blinked hard.

Alex sighed. Had she really thought it would be easy for them? Nothing in their relationship ever had been simple before, after all. “CJ,” she began slowly. “I’ve been seeing someone.”

She felt CJ go rigid in her arms, and a moment later she realized her mistake. “A therapist,” she said quickly. “I’ve been seeing a psychotherapist, baby. Sweetheart, I didn’t mean I’ve been
dating
, for God’s sake.”

CJ searched her face. “I didn’t even think about—Alex, I want you to know that there hasn’t been anyone, since I’ve been gone. No one. Just you,” she added quietly. “In my dreams.”

Alex leaned in to nuzzle her neck. “I know. I know. Me, either. I haven’t even thought about it.”

Against her ear, CJ asked, with soft hesitation, “Not even Chris Andersen?”

Alex sat back so that CJ could see her face. “Absolutely not,” she answered firmly. “I don’t want to be with Chris, or anybody else, as long as you’re breathing. Okay?”

CJ gave her a small nod, and snuggled closer. “Okay. So tell me about your therapist.”

Alex did, explaining why she had gone and what work they had done together. Then she said, “I want us to meet her together when we get back. We have things to talk about, and she said she’d help. Is that okay?”

CJ nodded against her shoulder. “Very much okay. I’m proud of you, Irish. I know how you always try to go it alone, and I’m glad you went to get help. I’m just so sorry I hurt you so much…”

“Stop,” Alex kissed her, then said against her lips, “stop it. You did what you thought was right. We were both hurt, okay? We’ll talk about it with Dr. Wheeler when we get back.” After CJ nodded, Alex said, “We are going back, right? Together?”

CJ murmured into her shoulder, “I told Ramón I had to leave. He understood. I told him—I said the love of my life had come for me, and that I had to go home.”

“Yes,” Alex said. “That’s exactly right.”

Chapter Twenty-Five

As CJ pulled her car into the parking lot of their condominium, she said, “Alex, what did you tell your sister when you called her this morning?”

“Not much. Just that we were driving home from Santa Fe. I wanted her to know she didn’t have to pick me up at the airport. Why?”

CJ pulled into her assigned spot and said, “Your detective instincts may be slipping, darlin’. Check out the guest parking spaces.”

They got out of the car, and as they pulled their suitcases from the trunk, Alex looked around. “Oh,” she said, after a moment spent noticing cars. “Nicole, Vivien, Paul, and that looks like Rod Chavez’s car, right?”

“Right. I do believe your sister used her key and that we have a welcome home party waiting upstairs.”

Alex stopped her and took her hand. “If you’re not ready for this, tell me. I can go upstairs alone and tell them all to go home. There’s no rush.”

CJ squeezed her hand. “Alex, I’ve wanted to come home since the day I left. And in case you didn’t know it, you and our friends are my home. I’m just scared.”

“Tell me why.”

CJ stared out the window, not letting go of Alex’s fingers. “Everything that happened to you, to David and Charlie and Nicole, was because of me. I didn’t do it, but it was still because of me. How am I supposed to face everyone? How can I ever face your sister?”

“I don’t know everything,” Alex said quietly. “But I do know this. Whatever happened, whatever we both did wrong is in the past and we can’t change it. We can only go forward. I want to try to do that together. Don’t you?”

CJ continued to stare out the window.

“CJ?”

“Yes,” she whispered. “I do want that.”

“Nicole doesn’t blame you for David’s death. Come upstairs with me.”

When they stepped into the foyer, Alex called out, “If you’re hiding, it didn’t work. Come on out!”

Vivien made it to them first, wordlessly throwing her arms around CJ. Alex stepped back and CJ circled her friend in a hug.

“It’s okay, Viv,” CJ said, fighting tears. “I’m back.”

“God damn you,” Vivien said. “Don’t do that again, okay?”

CJ released her. “Don’t worry,” she said, mustering a reassuring tone. “Alex has already made me sign a notarized statement to that effect.”

“You idiot,” Vivien said. “You scared the shit out of us.”

“Viv,” CJ managed. “I’m sorry. I truly am.”

“Well, as long as you’re really, really sorry,” Vivien said, wiping her eyes. “There’s someone I want you to meet.”

CJ lifted her eyes to the tall woman hovering protectively behind Vivien. “You must be Marja Erickson,” she said, offering her hand.

Nicole was next and she hugged CJ fiercely. “Thank God you’re home,” she murmured into CJ’s ear. “She was falling apart without you.”

“Me too,” CJ whispered. “I’m so sorry. About David, I mean, it…”

Nicole looked at her. “I told Alex this, and I’ll tell you. None of this was your doing. I’m just so glad you’re home.”

“Is Charlie here?” she asked, looking around.

“No, he’s at a friend’s. I didn’t want to impose him on you, in case…”

In case you’re not staying, CJ mentally supplied. “When can we see him?” she asked.

Nicole smiled at her in happy relief. “Dinner, tomorrow? Okay?”

“You two come over here,” CJ urged. “I’ll cook. I have one or two or a hundred new recipes.”

Rod and Ana Chavez got her in a group hug, and then Paul stepped up with Betty. He stuck out his hand and said, “Glad you made it back, St. Clair.”

Betty, a short, round woman with a modest Afro said, “Oh, for heaven’s sake, Paul,” and reached around to give CJ a bear hug. “Welcome home, honey,” she said. “Pay no attention to Mister Stiff-and-Formal here.”

Paul looked a little uncomfortable as he turned to Alex and said, “I wasn’t completely sure you wanted us here, but when Nicole called, Betty said it would be all right.”

Alex said, “You and Betty are welcome in our home any time, you know that.”

She emphasized the word “our,” and CJ looked from Paul to Alex and back again. She realized that she was going to have to find out more about this conversation at another time.

Paul said to CJ, “Once you’re settled back in, come and see me. I think we need to discuss your job.”

CJ looked at him in stark surprise. “My job?” she echoed. “You know I resigned.”

“Yes, well…” he rubbed his shaved head. “There was some paperwork mix-up, or something. Apparently you’ve been on unpaid administrative leave for the last nine months. There’s been some delay in hiring your replacement and…well, we’ll discuss it.”

She continued to stare at him in frank amazement and he said, “Just call me, all right? We’ll talk about it later.” She looked at Alex, who shrugged in disbelief.

The crowd made it back into the living room. There were four more people waiting.

Nicole said, “Alex told me how much Chris and Frank helped solve David’s…the case, so I thought you’d like to see them, too.”

Frank, now well on the road to recovery, and Jennifer Morelli welcomed her back warmly. Then Chris Andersen’s girlfriend, Beth Rivera gave her a gentle embrace. “Oh, Inspector,” she said. “We’re so glad to see you again. You must have missed being home so much.”

CJ blinked hard but managed another smile for her. She’d befriended Rivera when Beth had worked as an evidence clerk at Colfax PD. “Beth, thank you for being here. Yes, I’m very glad to be home.”

Behind her, Chris Andersen was standing awkwardly. CJ felt Alex begin to move beside her, but CJ went first, going to Chris and initiating the hug.

“Chris,” CJ said warmly. “Alex told me how much you helped get me home. I want you to know how thankful I am for you.”

And she was grateful, she realized. It wasn’t easy to let go of her resentment of Chris, but she knew she could trust her, and that she could trust Alex with her.

Someone had found the extra leaf for the dining room table, and the table spilled out into the living room, every chair in the condo pressed into service to get them all seated. Alex could identify Ana Chavez’s enchiladas, a roast chicken from someone else, and Betty Duncan’s green bean salad as they sat down.

“It’s just like Thanksgiving,” CJ said happily to Alex.

“Your favorite holiday,” Alex replied, smiling.

“Of course,” CJ agreed. “Because it’s all about the food!”

Suddenly, Alex stood up again, facing them all. “This really is Thanksgiving Day, for me, for all of us. I have a toast.”

Everyone took up their glass, and CJ had to fight her tears once more, happy tears this time.

Alex lifted her wine and locked her gaze on CJ. The blue gaze seemed to go on forever. CJ could see eternity in Alex’s eyes and wondered again how she had managed to live even a single day without seeing her.