Absolution (24 page)

She reached for the glass and their fingers brushed against each other. She stared up at him with a strange expression.

“What?” he asked, afraid he’d said something else idiotic.

“Remind you?” she smiled shyly. “That’s funny. I’ve never had to remind anyone before. It’s usually the opposite.”

Another glimpse behind the curtain. Like when he saw her sitting on her bedroom floor. And the other night, at Barney’s. And whatever the exercise thing was she was so touchy about.

A couple of weeks ago, he couldn’t imagine what the past few years had been like for her. Now, he was starting to get the picture, even if the image was still fractured and hazy.

“Anyway, it’s fine. If I wasn’t up to it, I would’ve said something. It was fun, I enjoyed it,” she assured him. “Now, let’s get this movie cranked up.”

He smiled, rubbing his hands together. He had ditched ‘Armageddon’ for a new release instead, reasoning that it might be better to watch something that didn’t have so many memories attached to it.

“I ran into Callum when I was picking up dinner,” he said, popping open the DVD cover and inserting the disc into the player.

“You did?” He caught the hint of anxiety in her voice, even though he was sure she had meant to hide it. “Everything okay between you two?”

“Seems to be,” he lied.

The last thing she needed to worry about was him and Callum. He sank into the couch, on the side closest to the armchair. Was she deliberately trying to put some distance between them by sitting separately, or was that just a practical decision? He noticed she relied heavily on the arms of the chair to sit down, now that she was wearing her braces. That was probably it.

Stop seeing things that aren’t there.

They settled in to watch the movie, and once again, he was sucked into some kind of surreal vortex. He was sitting in her living room, watching a movie with her. What the hell had happened to bring this around full-circle so quickly?

Then he remembered his father.

His heart felt like something was tugging on it, pulling it down into his chest cavity. He missed him so much. He wished he were here to see this. God, he hoped he was watching.

He smiled as she giggled at the screen, oblivious. 

When the credits rolled, she stretched and he grabbed the remote to switch off the DVD.

“That was awesome,” she smiled, settling back into the armchair.

“It was, wasn’t it? Not a bad choice, if I say so myself.”

“Your choice in movies has certainly improved.”

“Ah, there it is. I was waiting for that crack,” he smiled. “I can’t say I’ve watched a lot of movies lately. It was more of a coin toss, really.”

Talking about his life before he came home made him feel uncomfortable. She might ask questions. He didn’t have any answers for her yet. She was stretching again, slowly, side to side.

“You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m good, just a little stiff. I’ll be fine tomorrow.”

“If you’re getting tired, I can get going.”

“I’m not tired.”

Stay a little longer.

He smiled despite himself. “Me neither.”

He got up and ejected the DVD, popping it back into the case. He spied her iPod and picked it up.

“Music?” he asked over his shoulder.

“Sure, why not. You choose, seeing you had so much success with the movie.”

He scrolled through the options, settling on something he knew they would both like. He slotted it into the dock and music filled the room. He saw her approving smile as she rolled her shoulders again.

“Y’know, I’m sure I could rustle up a half-decent neck rub.”

She seemed to mentally weigh up the offer. “It’s more my shoulders than my neck, but thanks anyway.”

“Same principal, right? I’m nothing if not flexible.”

“Show-off,” she smiled. “But, since you put it that way – thanks.”

He rubbed his hands together and perched on the arm of the chair beside her. Bowing her head, he gently swept her hair aside, pushing the silky tendrils forward over her shoulder. He stared at the naked base of her neck for a moment, a thrill of anticipation buzzing through him. Trying to focus, he laid his hands on her shoulders lightly. She was trembling.

He took a deep breath and began to knead the muscles, not really paying attention to anything at first, except the fact that he had his hands on her bare skin and it was doing things to him. They lapsed into silence. He realised he was holding his breath, and made an effort to breathe normally. He was grateful for the music filling the void. Slowly, he kneaded deeper into the knotted muscles beneath his fingertips, tight and solid.

A little moan escaped from her. “God, that feels good.”

He smiled, enjoying the moment even more. He slowly increased the pressure.

“You’ve got a bunch of rocks between your shoulder-blades,” he said, digging deeper.

She snorted quietly. “Don’t forget the metal rods in my back.”

Starting slightly, he vividly recalled the conversation with the young doctor the night of the accident. He had almost forgotten about the surgery and the rods. Out of sight, out of mind.

He concentrated on keeping his fingers working at the same speed. Since the kiss the other night, they had barely touched and he pushed aside all thoughts of the night of the accident and its ramifications, instead focusing on her smooth skin beneath his hands. 

“You said the other day that Callum helps with massage and stuff. Is this the kind of thing you meant?” he asked casually.

She stiffened and he eased up on the pressure a little.

“Yeah. He’s not a bad masseuse.”

It was like drawing blood from a stone. He could feel her reluctance to discuss it, but something deep inside told him to push on regardless. He threw caution to the wind. “So that’s what you guys were doing the other night, with the yoga mat?”

“That’s enough for now,” she snapped, leaning away from him. “Thanks for your help.”

His hands fell away and the connection they shared was gone.

Shit. 

“Look, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to pry, I’ve just been wondering, that’s all.”

She just sat there with her back to him, saying nothing. After a few moments, he tried again. “I asked Callum about it, but he said I should ask you, so that’s what I’m doing.”

“Oh really?” she glared up at him over her shoulder. “He said that? I should’ve seen that coming.”

She leaned forward, preparing to stand, as he searched for something to say to make things okay between them again.

“I’m sorry,” he said, as she practically forced him out of the way, turning to push herself upwards and lock her braces through her jeans.

“It’s fine. Forget it.” She slid her arms into the cuffs of her crutches. “I think you should go.”

“What?”

One step forward, two steps back. What the hell is the deal with this damn mat?

She turned away from him and he reached out to touch her shoulder. “Hey, come on – let’s not do this again, okay? I’m completely in the dark here, I don’t even know what I said wrong.”

He could feel her trembling beneath his hand and he squeezed her shoulder gently, trying to keep some semblance of calm in his voice.

“I don’t want to get caught up in the middle of this thing between you two,” she said tightly.

“What?”

“You and Callum!”

“What thing? Look, I don’t know what’s going on here – I just know that he said I should ask you about this and I agree with him. What’s the big deal? Come on, whatever it is, can we just talk about it and get it over with? Because it feels like things are getting a little out of control here, don’t you think?”

His mind went completely blank as she turned to face him, her eyes burning with open hostility.

“He thinks he’s being clever,” she said icily. “He knows I don’t want to talk about this, and he knows you’re desperate enough to do anything so he’s pushing me from one angle and pulling you from another!”

“This isn’t some kind of game, Ally. I just want you to talk to me, that’s all, it’s no big conspiracy, nothing sinister.”

“He’s playing you!”

“I don’t think he is,” he said carefully, trying to keep calm in the face of her anger. “I know there’s a lot of stuff I don’t know, but I thought that maybe if I asked you when I’m not sure, we can shorten that list a little bit, y’know?”

She huffed out a frustrated breath. “Why are you making a big deal out of this?”

“I’m not making a big deal out of anything. I’m just asking a question, that’s all.”

“So go ahead then, ask it!”

“Alright. What’s the deal with the yoga mat? Is it a massage thing? Or an exercise thing? Or something else, because I gotta tell ya, my imagination is running wild right now.”

She narrowed her eyes at him and a chill crawled up the back of his neck.

“How about I tell you all about that, once you tell me where the hell you’ve been for the past four years?”

Whoa. What the hell just happened?

“Look, I’m sorry –“

“No more apologies, Jack. I want answers. And if you can’t give them to me, we have nothing else to talk about. You can see yourself out.”

Dumbfounded, he watched as she made her way across the hall and into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

“
What is important is not what happens to us, but how we respond to what happens to us.
”

- Jean-Paul Sartre

Jack sat in his car, breathless and agitated. He was engulfed in silence, but inside his head Ally’s voice raged on.

He stared at the shadows of the mature trees that surrounded the cemetery gates in the moonlight. Even in the midst of all this turmoil, his gut instinct was to seek out his father. 

Digging his new cell phone out of his pocket, he paused momentarily before hitting the contacts button. Callum picked up on the second ring.

“What the hell are you up to?” he demanded.

“Jack?”

“You knew damn well what you were doing, didn’t you? She’s right – you were just playing me!”

“Whoa, hang on – what the –“

“Is this your way of getting back at me? You satisfied now?”

“Just calm the hell down, will you? What happened?”

“Don’t play dumb, Callum. She threw me out, which is exactly what you knew would happen!”  

“What?”

“What the hell are you playing at, huh? Do you think this is some kind of game?”

“Just calm down! Where are you? Are you at home?”

Jack huffed out a ragged breath and looked around. The leafy trees and well-kept gardens surrounding the cemetery spread out in the darkness before him.

“No.”

“Meet me at Barney’s in twenty minutes.”

“Why?”

“Just meet me there. No games, no bullshit. I promise.”

Jack took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Fine.”

The line went dead and he shoved his phone back into his pocket, his heart pounding. What was he doing here? He leant forward and crossed his arms over the steering wheel, forehead resting on the back of his hand.

Callum sat in his car outside Barney’s. He tried Ally again but she didn’t pick up. He hung up halfway through her voicemail message with a frustrated sigh. Apparently she was too pissed off to talk to him. All he seemed to do lately was push her away.

Or maybe – looking at it from another angle – all she seemed to do lately was push
him
away. Ever since Jack got home.

Damn it.

He shoved his cell phone back into his pocket, climbed out of his car and headed inside.

Entering the gloomy bar at this time of night, he took a few moments to spot Jack in a booth in the corner. He detoured to order a drink first and Harry nodded in Jack’s direction.

“What’s his poison?” Callum mumbled.

“Whisky. Neat.”

Callum groaned quietly, shaking his head. “Better give me two more.”

He slid his money across the bar and waited. Picking up the two glasses, he nodded his thanks to Harry before heading over to the booth.

Jack glanced up as he slid into the seat opposite him, setting both glasses down and sliding one over the table towards him.

“I’ve already got one.”

“Got a feeling you might need another.”

Jack eyeballed him, his expression unreadable. “What’s this all about? What do you want? Because I’m in no mood for games. Whatever you want, you can have it. You win, okay? I don’t belong here – I get it. Believe me, I get it.” He shook his head and took a swig of whisky.

“What happened?”

Jack stared into the glass in front of him. “I told you. She threw me out.”

“I thought she might try something like that.”

“Congratulations. You win.”

“It’s not a game, Jack. Far from it.”

“Then why do I feel like a pinball? What’s going on here? Because I honestly have no clue.”

“There’s no one answer to that question,” Callum sighed, running a hand down his face.

“Jesus, you’re as bad as she is. It’s like talking to a revolving door.”

Jack downed the last of his whisky and slammed the glass down on the table.

“You thought she was complicated before? Buckle up dude, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet,” Callum said.

“Meaning what, exactly?”

He had to make his point and make it quickly, because he could see Jack was teetering on the brink.

“Reading between the lines? She doesn’t want you to know anything that might make you disappear again. And that means that her injury, and anything to do with it, is off limits.”

Jack stared at him for a few moments, and he could see the cogs turning in his brain.

“She doesn’t trust me,” Jack said simply.

“It’s a hell of a lot to ask, you have to admit.”

“But, I’m not gonna just – I mean, I want to stay, I told her that – I asked her what she wanted, and she said –”

“I know. But put yourself in her place. Is it any wonder? You’re not the only one she’s protecting. She’s been doing this for years. She changes the subject a
lot
. Anytime the conversation gets too raw, she backs off. It’s always ‘never mind’, or ‘it doesn’t matter’, or ‘let’s talk about something else’.”

Callum saw recognition in Jack’s eyes and he nodded across the table at him. “You’ve seen it too, haven’t you?”

Jack nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

“It’s a diversionary tactic.”

“Why?”

Callum shrugged again, taking a sip of his whisky and waiting as it burned a trail down his throat, ending with a slow warming glow that lit up his belly. “Best I can figure is she’s trying to protect us.”

“From what?” Jack frowned.

“From whatever’s going on in her head.”

They eyeballed each other across the table for several moments and Callum tried to block out the memories of their relationship prior to the accident. He tried to concentrate on seeing Jack as a stranger sitting across from him, but the vision wouldn’t stick. He kept seeing his friend, Jack – and more disturbingly, he kept seeing Jack and Ally together, before their world turned upside down. They were happy. They were going to get married and have a house full of kids. They were in love.

Suddenly, the last four years fell away and some of the anger and resentment fell away with it, right along with the realisation that he and Ally never really had a chance together. She had been right all along. It would never have worked between them.

Jack’s the one she was always meant to be with, not me. That’s why he’s here. That’s why she wants him to stay.

The whisky felt like it had burnt a hole in his gut and a deep ache settled in, right in that exact spot.

“If you knew she was gonna do this, why’d you make me push her into talking about it?” Jack asked, his gaze fixed on the glass in front of him.

“Honestly? I guess maybe I was testing her. I figured if she could talk to you about it, then she was ready for whatever this is between the two of you. On some level, I thought since it was you asking, she might open up.”

Jack seemed to deflate in front of him. “Guess you were wrong, then. She’s not talking to me about it. And I don’t even know what to say to her half the time. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I’m just an idiot, saying the wrong thing and pissing her off.”

Callum thought of all the times over the past few years when he felt inadequate, when he thought that Jack being here would’ve made a difference.

“She’s stubborn, and tough as hell. You two have that in common.”

Jack looked dubious.

“You came back here didn’t you? And you’re still here, despite everything. She’s pushing you away because she doesn’t want you to see what she thinks are her weaknesses.” He shook his head. “Secrets. Another thing you two have in common.”

Jack opened his mouth but Callum cut him off.

“I don’t care about that, that’s something you have to work out between you, somehow. This is about her, and about you not giving up on her. She doesn’t deserve that, not after everything she’s been through. Despite what she says or does, you need to stay.”

Jack shot him a look of total disbelief. “You’ve changed your tune.”

Callum took a good long swallow of whisky and set the glass back on the table slowly, thinking. “I know that, believe me. But I’m not an idiot. I can see what’s happening here – to her, to you.” He looked over at Jack, his heart ripping open in the wake of the truth that tumbled out of his mouth. “She needs you. If she tries to tell you otherwise, she’s lying – I know it and she knows it. Tom knew it too, that’s why he never gave up on you coming home.”

He could see the effect his words were having on Jack. He swallowed his pride and continued.

“She’s pushing you away, because she knows that sooner rather than later, she’s gonna have to start letting you in and it’s scaring her to death. You hold all the power here. You can walk away, or you can pick her up and never let her go. Do you understand what I’m saying? Do you get how serious this is?”

Jack nodded dumbly.

“So don’t you dare go anywhere.”

Finally, Jack found his voice. “I made her a promise.”

Callum glared at him over the table, willing his voice not to break. “And you better plan on keeping it.”

The next morning, Ally sat in her studio, staring at the unfinished painting before her on the easel. Her head pounded and even though she knew she should eat something, her stomach churned so much she felt queasy just thinking about food.

She didn’t know how long she had been sitting there, but it felt like a while. She braced her hands on the wheels and rims of her chair and straightened her elbows, pushing herself upwards to temporarily relieve the pressure on her backside. Holding the position for several seconds, she eventually let gravity win and lowered herself back onto the chair with a sigh, her shoulders burning. Maybe a workout would take her mind off things? Who was she kidding? She had no energy to eat, never mind work out.

Sullenly, she went back to staring at the canvas.

It was supposed to be the final piece in her ‘Evolution’ series – the piece that signified her triumphant return to life and the acceptance of everything that had happened to her. But deep down, she still felt in limbo. Jack coming home had highlighted that. She had thought that she’d accepted the accident and how it had changed her life, but Jack was such a huge part of that equation and she still had so many unanswered questions. She felt far from triumphant.