A Will To Change (Hope) (34 page)

It had been three weeks since Gabby had moved out, and I felt completely empty inside.  I hadn’t talked to her since the day she left and I felt like I was going crazy. I knew that we both needed distance, but this was killing me. I needed to hear her voice. I needed to see her adorable face. I needed to know that we were still friends and that she was still my Gabby girl. But instead of reaching out to her, I buried myself in overtime, women, and alcohol, trying my best to forget about her. Nothing was working.

I finally worked up the courage to go into the spare bedroom that was once hers and looked around, trying to find some small trace of her, but there was nothing. Picking up her pillow, I breathed in deeply, hoping to smell her sweet scent. I closed my eyes, imagining that it was her I was hugging instead of her pillow. I was finally pulling it together when I noticed a notebook on the shelf of the nightstand. As I picked it up, I looked over the front of it, which was titled “My Journal” in Gabby’s handwriting. As I skimmed through the pages, I noticed that every entry began with
Dear Angel,
and the bulk of them were from 2001 to 2004, with a few random ones thrown in here and there. I didn’t want to read them because I felt like I was invading her privacy; obviously, this was something that was very personal to her and I didn’t think she wanted to share it with anyone. However, I couldn’t help myself when I had gotten to the very last entry dated only two months ago.

Dear Angel,

I know it’s been a while, but I know that you’re still around. I’m sorry for being so distant, but I haven’t needed to talk in a while because I’ve found an angel here on earth. Besides my father, he is the greatest man that I’ve ever known. He takes care of me and makes me happy when I’m feeling low. Right now, I’m feeling really low and he’s not around so I hope you don’t mind me bending your ear. I’m crying as I sit here all alone, knowing that he’s going out to be with another woman. I know I’m a silly girl for thinking that he would want to hang out with my pathetic, sick self tonight, instead of being with the beautiful women he’s used to being with. I keep telling myself that the reason I’m feeling this way tonight is because I’m sick and it’s that time of the month, and not because I’ve fallen in love with him, but the more I try and tell myself that, the less convinced I am. He’s my best friend. I’ve never felt such a connection with anyone in my entire life and I don’t ever want to lose what we have. So, please, help a girl out. What do you do when you’ve fallen head-over-heels in love with someone that you know you will never have?

~ Gabby xo

“Ah, fuck, Gabby,” I whispered, reading the entry over and over again. Each time, I felt another little piece of my heart being ripped out. I was feeling even worse now, wishing that I had never come into that room, wishing that I never read that journal entry. I put the notebook back right where she had left it, and pulled my phone from my pocket. I dialed her number and got a little disheartened when I got her voicemail, but just hearing her voice on her message as I waited for the beep made me happy.

“Hey, Gabby girl, I know it’s been a while, but I figured you’ve been busy so I didn’t want to bother you. Give me a call when you get a chance. Maybe we can get together for dinner or a movie or something. I miss hangin’ out with you.”

I couldn’t believe that I had let so much time go by without calling her. I was angry at myself. Angry over the way I behaved toward her on the day that she had told me she was leaving and the days after that. I had no right to behave that way. I went crazy knowing that she was going out with Peterson. I never stopped to think about how
she
was feeling. She kept her feelings buried deep inside while I was out fucking other women and sharing all the details with her. God, how could I have been so stupid?! Why did so much have to change? Why couldn’t it be like it was on the day that Gabby first moved in? Why the fuck did I have to fall in love with her?

I looked up at Will and gently pressed my lips to his. My hand caressed the side of his face as our kiss became more intense. I lifted my shirt over my head and removed my bra. He flashed me that gorgeous smile before trailing his tongue to my breast. My hand slowly wandered down to his pants, skimming the waistband of his boxers. As my hand moved down further, excitement coursed through my veins when I felt his rock hard erection.
  He let out a light
groan as my fingers stroked him up and down. I was so ready for him. Ready to feel him inside of me. Ready to take this next step with him. “Will, please. Don’t make me wait any longer,” I whispered.
 

My insides ached for him as he smiled down at me. He stood up and removed his pants and boxers. I took a deep breath as I gazed at his naked body. He was perfect and, right now, he was mine - all mine. I closed my eyes in anticipation, only to open them to find that he was gone…

“Will!” I shouted as I sat up in my bed and gasped. It was all so real that I looked over on the other side of the bed to see if he was there, tears streaming down my face. I missed him so much. It had been over three weeks since I talked to him, and I was more miserable than ever. Callie’s sister’s apartment was great. I was able to roll out of bed ten minutes before my shift and still be at work on time. It was clean and plenty big enough for just me. The only thing missing was Will. I missed him so much. Cooking him dinner. Staying up until the wee hours of the morning with him watching movies. Laughing over stupid things, and just knowing that I always had someone that I could depend upon. There were so many times that I wanted to call him over these past weeks, but I stopped myself. I still hadn’t returned his phone call from the other day, and I didn’t know if I was going to. I wasn’t sure if my heart could handle it. I wanted more of Will. More than he was willing to give. I needed to start moving forward with my life and, as much as I hated to admit it, as long as Will was in mine, it would always be an unfair advantage to any other guy that tried to enter.

I wiped my teardrops with the back of my hand and lay back down. I closed my eyes and the tears flowed once again as I began to think about starting my new life - one without the person I loved the most in it.

I was just finishing up my shift and was ready to head home, hoping for an uninterrupted night of sleep without any more dreams of Will. I changed into my yoga pants and sweatshirt, and planned on stopping off for takeout at the Chinese place on the way home.

“Oops, sorry,” Dr. Emerson said as I walked straight into him, not paying attention as I exited the locker room. I felt myself blushing over my clumsiness, not to mention that Dr. Emerson was drop dead gorgeous.

“Oh no, that was totally my fault. I wasn’t paying attention,” I said before smiling and walking away.

“Hey, Gabby!” he called.

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to grab a bite to eat?”

Dinner with Dr. Hottie that all the nurses drooled over, or spending the night with a bad stomachache after eating way too much Chinese food?
“Umm…yeah, sure. What time were you thinking?”

“Right now.”

I looked down at the way I was dressed. It was hardly appropriate to go into any respectable place. “Well, I’m really not dressed -.”

He waved his hand in the air in a dismissing manner. “We’ll just go up the street to Clancy’s. You don’t have to dress special there. I’ve only got an hour because I have to pick up my daughter from my ex’s - my weekend.”

Clancy’s? Did he really just say Clancy’s? Oh shit! What do I do? Do I tell him I changed my mind because I’m afraid of running into the man that I am hopelessly in love with or that I don’t want to face the memories that place holds?
I took a deep breath and sucked it up. If I was going to move on with my life, I had to stop fearing old ghosts. “Sure.” I smiled.

“Great.” He smiled back as we walked out the door, taking the short walk to Clancy’s, allowing me to get to know Dr. Marcus Emerson just a little bit better.