A Wedding Affair (The Wedding Affair) (41 page)

He kisses my forehead and he caresses my cheek

“I know I fucked it all up with you”

“I have to do the right thing Tristan”
“How is marrying him the right thing? Aria I spent two years missing you, and you said so yourself the one reason to marry is to raise a family.”
“Yes so”
“When are you going to start one? According to you you're thirty-eight, your time is precious, why do I know this and he doesn’t?... Because he doesn't care Aria!”

I move of
f his lap stand and put my dress back on.
“You’re being rude and judge mental” Tristan stands zips up his pants and he is hurt, I hurt him.
“Aria he told you to get on birth control! When in the hell are you going to see the big picture?”
“Tristan I am sorry I led you on”

“Led me on I LOVE YOU!”
the bite and sting of those words are too much to take when he spits them at me.

“Don’t throw those words around now”
“Yes I will, Aria I’m not afraid to tell you how you’re throwing your life away!”

“
Oh really and how am I doing that?”

“
You never settled for anything but the best, from your morals, to your cars, to your expensive handbags, down to your Manolo’s, so why the hell are you settling for someone who doesn’t come up to your standards?”

“
Oh and you do?”

“
Aria look at me, I am all of this because of you!” he is right but I am mad at this egotistical maniac.
“Tristan this conversation is over, I think you should go”
“That's it? You’re kicking me out of your life?”
“Tristan there is no room for you in my life”
“Your damn right there isn't! Because you let a man who doesn’t deserve you park his boots under your bed, damn well knowing that he needs you more then you want him!”

“It’s not like that”
oh Tristan is always quick with the judgment of me.

“
The only reason you are with him is because he showed up here!”

“
I can say the same about you!”

“
Oh no Aria, admit it to yourself, we are one soul in two bodies, you are the other half of me!”

“
Tristan don’t, please I beg of you, don’t put me through this.”

“
I have to Aria we are in love with one another, we belong together!”

“Tristan you
were the love of my life, but you have to let me go!”
“To a man who shits on you?”

“
Tristan I am begging please don’t do this to me!”

“
Why? You think it’s perfectly fine to have our life with him? You were to be my wife, your children were to be our children, don’t waste our life with him…IT’S WRONG DAMN IT!”
Tears fall on both our faces at his words because they are the truth.
“Just please go Tristan! Go, get the hell out of here! JUST GO FOR HEAVENS SAKES!” I am frazzled he is making sense and I can’t fight him anymore I will cave, I will run away with him he needs to be gone I am no match for him when he speaks the truth. 
“OK alright I'll go” he reluctantly acquiesces to my demands and I am grateful.

“You know your name suits you, YOU ARE SOME PIECE OF WORK!”
He takes one last look at me, I look at him for one last time, memories made, futures lost, it has to be this way.

“HOW AM
I SUPOSE TO LIVE WITH OUT YOU ARIA?!” his face is filled with hurt and despair, I finally hurt him the way he hurt me and it feels terrible, horrible, I am filled with dread because I feel his pain as well as my own.

He turns his ba
ck to me and walks towards the door not saying another word as his statement lingers between us. The echo of his footsteps on the hardwood floor are faint and distant then the slam of the door and he is gone.
I fall to the floor on my knees sobbing, crying, huge lethargic whales of inconsolable pain rips through my heart as I see my panties that are torn to shreds. I reach over and pick them up and cry so hard that there is no sound, and then it is uncontrollable, heart wrenching sobs, tears and agony that surrounds me. Tristan let me go, he is my first love, the love of my life, my dream and it is even worse than when he left me two years ago.

He is gone, Tristan is gone, I cry harder
as I realize what just happened and I am alone in my misery consumed with sorrow and desolation as I face the torment and anguish of what will never be.

Chapter 22

HOW INSENSITIVE

After a while
I don’t know how much time lapses I get home and Ian is fast asleep, I am thankful for the solitude, I really don’t need him seeing me like this. I sit and soak in my glamour tub surrounded by my Chanel Mademoiselle, bath gel, it perfumes the water and I just surrender to the relaxing soothing bubbles. Funny but this perfume that I wear was Tristan’s favorite, I wear it and it reminds me of him, how crazy is that?

The past few days have shown me what Tristan has really meant to me all these years, but mostly h
ow crazy and out of control, my thoughts, my actions, my desires have all been. I opened up a part of my heart that I buried and allowed myself to experience the deep seeded love and affection for a man I was too afraid to face. What I have realized is that this love that Tristan and I share is bigger than anything else in my life and that scares me because I never knew
how insensitive I have been to all of this.

I reach for my phone
no calls no texts from Tristan, not even one from my fiancé who by all means should have wondered where I was for the past four hours according to Tristan. Should I call Tristan? No I can’t call him! Should I send him a text? No, hell no I can’t text him! I was the one who wanted him gone! Well actually I needed him gone, I really didn’t want him gone. I just never realized that I am going to have to get over him all over again, he has meant the world to me for so long, sadden that we never got our happily ever after.

I put in my headphones and listen to
How Insensitive
this song is what consoled me when we broke up before and two years later I am facing the same torture, only now I am engaged, tears begin to flow and a thought crosses my mind, did I do the right thing? Or did I do what was expected of me?

How could I
have been so foolish? I’m engaged and going through a breakup? As Sabrina would say
‘Aria only you’
I finish my bath and walked into my closet that is my happy place, I put on my cream satin night shirt with the notched collar and I curled up on the chase lounge, as I go through my emails and made my to-do-list for tomorrow. It’s after two am I gotta try and get some sleep, I walk back into the bedroom Ian is sound asleep. I slip into bed next to him, my world is getting back to normal I have to remember that.

I look at his beautiful face, his perfect nose and that mouth of his that has challenged me, d
ebated me, and now loves me. I didn’t do too bad, he is a good man, he has always been a good man, he will make a great husband and someday a wonderful father, he is caring and adoring, smart and shy but mostly he loves me. I kiss his forehead as he reaches for me in his sleep, I sigh as I lay back still trying to convince myself that I made the right decision, my mom always said
‘what I want and what I get are two different things’
right now I would just love to get some sleep, it’s almost three am.

                                                                -------<>-------

Sleep is over-rated, Ok so I am jealous of people who have nocturnal bliss as they slumber their nights away, I just couldn’t doze I have been in a state of stagnation, I came to the conclusion that I have loved and lost as my wayward thoughts have tormented me so I am going to start my day finally up at five am I made a pot of coffee and walked on my treadmill. The long chat I had with myself has come to face the fact that I know how bad I hurt Tristan, I am in agony and pain because I hurt him the way he hurt me which is hell, and it’s not right for me to have done that, my behavior has been exasperating and I need to set things straight.

I decide that I must talk to Trist
an, so this morning I have to try and get a hold of him, and the minute I come to this decision my heart is beating faster, I am nervous and excited and full of desperation I am dealing with all of this and I have a fiancé who is looking at me as if I have this giddy face for him.

Ian walks into the kitchen kisses me hello
.

“Aria did you sleep at all?”

“Oh sleep is over rated” I try to make myself sound so nonchalant. I make Ian a wonderful breakfast of coddled eggs with chives along with fresh fruit, orange juice and I am eager to send him on his way, thank God he has an eight am class!

“Aria come sit with me what is on your agenda today?
” I drink my coffee and look though my lashes at him.

“Um well besides the fashion show
it’s still Business as Usual” I smirk as I drink my coffee

“
Ha ha well do you ever think you will slow down?”

“I don’t know,
if it isn’t this it will always be something that is just the way I am wired” he smiles at me, finishes his breakfast, wow he really doesn’t get it, this is who I am, well maybe not right now with my looming apprehension.  He checks his watch.

“Sweetheart I have to get going”
music to my ears yes please go already.
I know I am being a bitch and I gotta get this under control.

I grab his coach briefcase for him and walk him out to
his car, he is dressed in his grey suit and silver tie he is as beautiful as this summer day, I have to admit he is handsome.

“Aria I have class till six I will come home a
nd change and meet you at the fashion show ok?”

“Sounds good,
I will leave your tux for you I’ll see you tonight” he kisses me goodbye just always sweet kisses from him. He takes off like 007, gosh that car is amazing, but I love my Cadillac it looks like the bat mobile and that reminds me I gotta get ahold of BATMAN.

I go back into the house
as I hear

BEEP BEEP  BEEP

yes he does love me even from a distance. I
grab my coffee, my cell and dial Tristan number, it doesn’t ring it goes to right to voice mail, so I leave him a message.

“Hi
Tristan its Aria…

I can’t stop thinking

about what happen last night,

we need to talk please call me”

I hang up and go into my closet, my refuge, my happy place. I get dressed in my navy chiffon dress and matching strappy sandals, I grab my dress for tonight leave Ian’s his tuxedo for him and I am out the door.

In my car on my way to the store, I’m looking behind me hoping that I will see Tristan, in traffic, no sign of Batman at all
. I frown at the thought that I won’t see him again, he never called me back and he is probably so mad at me for my spouting off at him when he put his heart out there for me to squash,
how insensitive I must have been
.

I
ponder, should I go and see Tristan at his restaurant? No I will fuck him there! Maybe I should go out to his house? No he will fuck me under the piano! I am losing my rationale and it hits me I am so sexually frustrated, built up angst and desire and my fiancé who is suppose-to be tending to my needs doesn’t even know what my needs are!

Oh why is all of this happening to me?
What I have done in the past week to screw up my life I am so beside myself, I am hurt and angry and fed up and so alone and I have no one to blame but myself, I am a glutton for punishment.

I must get a grip,
I have to sort this out, It was wrong of me to hurt Tristan like this, I have to make him see that my decision I made had nothing to do with him, and that he should move on with his life and find someone who makes him happy. I have to let him down easy, yesterday I was full of rage and anger more at myself then anyone, Tristan got the blunt end of my wrath, or is it guilt? Well I wanted to make sure he got the message, the problem is he gave me the answer to my unasked question, Tristan has always gone for the throat, but I can’t hurt him the way he hurt me, it’s wrong and I can’t let anyone suffer like that. I just can’t let this escalate into something bigger than me and Ian. Is it bigger than me and Ian? How insensitive of me?

I decide to go into work as scheduled, jeez there is that tone
again I am sexually frustrated and highly annoyed. I think I need to schedule a meeting with Mr. Tom and Mr. Collins as soon as I get to the store. I give my car to Lawrence the valet and grab my bags from the trunk, I make my way to the store as I am with purpose today.