A Way to Get By (14 page)

   “It’s too late!” She tucked a swath of damp hair behind her ear with a shaky hand. “We talked about this. We don’t have a choice. Yes, it kills me, if you want to know the truth. But Beau’s a good guy. I’m going to be okay.”

   I could see how hurt she was, and I knew that she was right. I didn’t have any right to just come barging back in at the zero hour, trying to rearrange her entire life. It was a risk to come here. What if Brummel was inside? What if I fucked up everything Brenda’d been trying to do the past two years?

   “I’m sorry, Bren.”

   “I know you are. I know.” She wrapped her arms around me tentatively, afraid to give me too much contact. She should’ve been. My face buried into her neck, breathing her in, that sweet, fresh smell that was hers and hers alone. I couldn’t control my shaking; I couldn’t see past the tears in my eyes; I couldn’t breathe through the loss. Before I realized what I was doing, I pulled back enough to plant my lips on hers. I just needed a taste. Just one last kiss to let me know that somehow, some way, she was still mine.

   I was expecting her to pull away. But instead, a moan creaked from her throat as she melted into me, giving herself over to me completely. With that capitulation, I laid her down in the grass and covered her body with mine, swiping her robe away and running my trembling hand over her bare breast. Her entire body shivered at that, but the tears didn’t start flowing until I scratched out, “Oh God, I’ve missed you, Bren. I’ve missed you so much.” My mouth consumed hers once more, the both of us shuddering violently against one another, my hard-on pressing against her thigh. “Kiss me back, Bren. Show me how much you love me.”

   She grabbed me by the back of my hair and pulled my lips to hers, the move causing a shockwave to consume my entire body. I couldn’t get enough of her. I shoved the rest of her robe to the sides of her delectable body and only managed a quick, greedy glance down her naked form before I covered it with my own, my hands exploring what my eyes had only briefly registered. All I wanted was to bury myself inside her, feel her soft warmth surrounding me, inviting me back to the only home I’d ever known.

   I ripped at my jeans—unbuttoning, tearing my zipper down—shoving them low enough so that we were skin to skin. My heart was hammering against my ribcage and I could barely take my next breath. It was too much to deal with: My Bren, in my arms, naked underneath me once again. I positioned myself between her legs, and the sweet familiarity of our bodies only seconds away from joining caused my memory to run wild. The anticipation was killing me.

   I was
right there
, and as I started to thrust forward… her sobbing stopped my motion. The sound vibrated into my mouth, reverberated down my chest, and had me feeling like a world-class asshole.

  
I’m hurting her
.

   I had no right to her. She was the love of my life, but this wasn’t about me right then. It was about her. And her life had been meticulously crafted within the walls of some other guy’s stone fortress, wrapped up in cash and dipped in gold. It’s what she always wanted.

   And I wasn’t a part of it. Not now.

   The longer I tried to keep her with me, the longer it would take her to let me go and move on. I was only holding her back.

  With a tortured groan, I tore my mouth from hers and looked down at the gorgeous woman in my arms. The gorgeous, infuriating,
crying
woman in my arms.

   “Aw Bren. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

   “No. I let you do it. It’s okay.”

   “It was just… goodbye?” We’d said a thousand goodbyes. Was this going to be the one that finally stuck?

   We both sat up as she ran her palms over her eyes. “Yes. Yes, I guess that’s what it was.” She placed a hand at my jaw, our eyes meeting in shared agony.

   This was really it.

   The love of my life was really going to marry another guy.

CHAPTER 25

This is the Time

BRENDA

Saturday, September 25

1982

M
y second wedding day.

   No matter how many times I said it in my head, my brain just wouldn’t allow me to rationalize what was happening. I was a nervous wreck, and trust me, that fact was due to more than just the usual wedding day jitters. My stomach was positively churning at the thought of walking down that aisle. Even still, as much as I knew it wasn’t right, I also knew this was hardly the time to analyze it.

   So, instead of wigging out and hopping on the nearest bus, I plastered a smile on my face and tried to remain as cheerful as I could.

   But it wasn’t easy.

   I’d already had my dream wedding, so I would have been content with a simple civil ceremony, something with a little less pomp. But since it was Beau’s first marriage, he insisted we do it in style. The thought niggled at the back of my brain that he was trying to prove something, to put his mark on me in the most public spectacle as possible.

   It seemed wrong somehow to ask Virginia to stand up for me during my second go-round; she’d already been Matron of Honor during my first.
But her lack of
official
attendant
status didn’t stop her from helping me to get ready in the bridal room of the Saddle River Social Club.

   She’d just pinned my veil to the back of my hair, leaving us both assessing the mirrored image of the bride in front of us
.
My gown was very modern—a cross between Luke-and-Laura and Princess Di—lace-over-silk with poofy sleeves that narrowed into points at my wrists; a fitted bodice which flowed into a mountain of white below my waist. The fabric kissed the tips of my toes and fanned out in an impressive train behind me.

   The two of us stood there in an awkward silence as we stared at the mirror. “I can’t believe you’re really going through with this,” Ginny said to my reflection.

   A million thoughts swirled around my brain but I couldn’t put words to any of them.
“Me either.”

   She put her hands on my forearms and continued to speak over my shoulder. “If you’re having doubts, Brenda, just say the word. I can sneak you out of this place and Anthony can drive the getaway car.”

   Her offer broke the tension and I found myself letting out with a laugh. “Oh, Ginny. You’re the best friend ever.”

   “I’m your
completely serious
best friend ever.”

   I turned toward her and grabbed her hands. “I know, and I appreciate it. Truly.”

   “It’s just that… Today feels so different than… well, you know, because…”

   In true Virginia fashion, she couldn’t allow herself to be tacky enough to mention my first husband’s name on the day I was preparing to marry my second. But of course she was thinking of him. Hell, I’d been trying to think of anything other than Eddie myself, never mind what had transpired between the two of us on Thursday night. I hadn’t even told Ginny anything about my last-minute almost-fling and any of the wedding-day-doubts that accompanied it but she was able to figure me out regardless:

   I wasn’t in love with Beau.

   She and I both knew it. Hell,
Beau
knew it, and yet he still wanted to marry me. He told me repeatedly that even though I’d never love him the way I loved Eddie, he was okay with it. He just wanted me any way he could have me. I truly adored his devotion, and found his persistence quite admirable. Truth is, I was lucky to know him, and I’d accepted his proposal because he was a good man. I made the decision to become his wife… and I was going to carry through with it.

  My sigh was followed by a tight smile. “It’s not the same, no. But honestly, this is what I want. Beau is very, very good to me. I’m going to be okay.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. This is the next logical step in my life. Beau’s been very patient. It’s time.”

   “Okay. I just needed to know for sure.” The air immediately lightened with my best friend’s newfound resolve. She fluffed my enormous sleeves and adjusted my veil, offering me a satisfied smile as she did so. “Well, in any case, you look incredible.”

   “Thanks, Gin,” I answered automatically. I gave myself a last look in the mirror before adding, “And also… thank you so much for being here. I don’t think I’d be able to get through today without you guys.”

   Virginia hadn’t exactly told me about Anthony’s opposition to this marriage but I’d been able to pick up on his feelings by what she
didn’t
say. That he sucked it up and came anyway meant the world to me.

   I inhaled a deep breath and took my place at the top of the grand staircase. Virginia started down ahead of me, and that was the orchestra’s cue to pipe in. As she took her seat at the front of the audience, I was met with three-hundred-and-twenty-seven other pairs of eyes as the guests craned their necks, hoping to catch a glimpse of me. I didn’t even know most of the people in that room so there was no way to confirm it, but I couldn’t shake the thought that they were judging me. Oh, I knew what they saw. A hot-to-trot divorcee, a social-climbing gold-digger who dared to reach above her status to mingle with The Quality.

 
Well, get used to it, people.

  Fact was, I was good to Beau. I treated him with reverence and kindness. We were content with one another. Maybe it wasn’t the butterfly puppy-love of my youth, but it was a relationship built on mutual respect and admiration. Successful marriages have been built on much less. Hell, most of the people in that room were stuck in marriages of convenience. At least Beau had
chosen
me.

   I held my head high as I made a slow trek down the stairs, willing my legs to hold steady. Once I reached the start of the white aisle runner, I shut out the many eyes aimed in my direction and tried to concentrate on my fiancé’s face. Seeing Beau’s elated grin should have made things a little easier, but instead all it served to do was make me feel worse.

   But the longer I looked at him, the more my doubts disappeared. Every step I took down that aisle was a step toward My New Life, and I allowed myself to be excited about it.

   I made it down the aisle without incident, beamed at my future husband, and took his hand. As the mayor welcomed everyone, Beau dipped his head close to my ear and whispered, “You look beautiful, Brenda Rosalinda.”

   I smiled, the uncertainty from earlier replaced with anticipation. “Soon to be Brenda Rosalinda
Brummel
.”

CHAPTER 26

This Night

BRENDA

Thursday, August 8

1974

“I
can’t believe we just watched the president quit!”

   Eddie and I were at
Zanzibar
, glued to the television along with everyone else in the place. Normally, all the sets were tuned to sporting events, but tonight, every screen displayed Richard Nixon’s haggard face. Apparently, the break-in at that D.C. hotel led to an investigation which finally culminated in our president’s resignation, live, on TV.

   Unprecedented.

   “Good. I’m glad he’s gone, the bum.”

   A few people near us cheered at my boyfriend’s words as I dropped my voice to counter, “Don’t say that, Eddie. He did some good things.”

   “He did some
illegal
things. ‘Putting the interests of America first.’
Pfft
. Yeah, right.”

   “You still have to show some respect. He’s our president!”

   Eddie’s brows drew together as his lip curled. “He
lied
, Bren! He lied to all of us! How can you excuse that?”

   I turned my attention back to my Tequila Sunrise, stabbing at the maraschino cherry with my straw. “You don’t know what was going on behind the scenes. Maybe he had a good reason.”

   Eddie stared me down for a silent pause before finally cracking a smile as he dropped his head and snickered, “You are just way too sweet, you know that? You might be the only person I ever met who would try to find the good in someone after something like this.”

   I gave a shrug and answered, “I’m not running for sainthood. I just think there are always two sides to every story.”

   He threw an arm around my shoulders and squeezed me against his side, laughing as he called down to the bartender. “Hey Davy! Get this gorgeous little hellcat another drink, will ya?”

   I was glad to have jogged Eddie out of his anger. Truth was, his latest outburst was par for the course this evening; he’d been moody all night. When he first picked me up, he’d been jumpy and anxious. Then when we didn’t get seats at the bar right away, he was frustrated and complaining. He wasn’t normally so easily irritated, so I was glad to finally see him laughing and being himself. At least for a little while.

   Because on the ride home, the moodiness had returned. He was acting skittish again and barely listened to anything I said, much less answered with any sort of appropriate response. I began to wonder why we bothered to play hooky from work tonight if he was just going to spend the whole evening making us both miserable.

   It wasn’t until he pulled into the west beach of Lenape Lake that I started to understand. We’d spent plenty of time at that lake over the years, seeing as it was down the street from my old house. That first summer after we’d started dating—and then every summer thereafter—it became one of our favorite places to go.

   I stayed mum as he grabbed a blanket from the trunk of his Mustang and led me behind The Westlake Pub, settling us down at the edge of the water. At such a late hour, the beach was abandoned, and I reveled in the promise that filled the balmy, summer air.

   He’s going to ask me to marry him.

   I knew it more surely than I knew my own name. All his agitation, all his irritability of the past hours was leading to this moment. And now that he was finally doing it, I was the one who was a jumpy, nervous wreck.

   “You know my parents are moving to Florida.”

   Not exactly the words I was envisioning and the unexpectedness made me laugh. “Eddie, if you brought me here tonight for what I think you brought me here for… talking about your parents isn’t really the most romantic beginning to this story.”

   He chuckled, all traces of his anxiety gone. “Just let me explain!” He grabbed my hand and continued, “My point was that I wanted to be in a better position to do this. I wanted to live at home for a little while longer in order to save up some more money before striking out on my own. But I’m not being given that chance.”

   I bit my lip, physically restraining my mouth from speaking so I wouldn’t interrupt what was coming next.

   “And between your aunt dying and leaving you to scrape by in that crummy apartment, and me looking at doing the same in an even crummier apartment… Well, it just seems that life is trying to tell us something.”

   I couldn’t hold my tongue at that one. “Again. My dead aunt and our crummy apartments are hardly romantic, Eddie.”

   “Will you stop?” he snickered out. “Just let me get through this.” He took a deep breath and continued. “Basically, you and I work much better as a team. We should be building a life
together
.” He cut me off before I could object to his reasoning yet again. God, this man had always been able to read me. “And it’s not just because I need a roommate and it’s not just because the timing was determined for us. I’m
overjoyed
to have the excuse to do this.”

   He pulled a ring box from his pocket and cracked it open, revealing a tiny, sparkling diamond in a shiny gold setting. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

   “I love you and I want our life together to start
now
. I don’t have two nickels to rub together and I can’t offer you the world and I know you deserve better but I love you. I love you with all my heart and I can promise you I’ll never stop.”

   I never thought I’d be the type of girl to cry during such a moment, but I found myself swiping away a tear at my boyfriend’s words. “I love you too, Eddie. You’re my everything.”

   He smiled proudly as he pulled the ring from its box. “So, I’m feeling pretty confident about your answer, here, but I’ll ask anyway. Brenda Rosalinda Rinetti… Will you marry me?”

   I thrust my left hand in his direction to answer with an elated, “Yes!”

   He slipped the band over my finger, and I barely even looked at my new diamond ring before I threw my arms around his neck. He branded his lips to mine before lowering the both of us to the blanket.

   I loved this man more than life itself. His heart, his smile, the way he loved me back. He was caring and sweet, funny and cool.
And he loves me.
This amazing man loved me and wanted to make me his wife. How did I get so lucky? What did I ever do in my life to deserve such an incredible guy? I adored everything about him; I trusted him completely.

   Nobody had the kind of love that Eddie and I shared. The term soul mates gets tossed around too often but Eddie and I truly were cut from the same cloth. It was easy to believe that some higher power had determined at the beginning of time that we were always meant for one another.

  
“Now you’re truly mine. Forever, Bren.”

   I could barely see his smiling face through the tears in my eyes but I answered him just the same. “Yes, Eddie. You and me. Forever.”