A Second Chance (11 page)

“
Are you all right?” He
stepped even closer to her.

“
I’m fine.” She smiled up at
him then leaned back, away from him. She needed her space. It was
as if the cancer wasn’t the only thing trying to kill her. Her
emotions were doing their best to finish the job. “Let me get
changed and I’ll be right out.”

“
Okay.” He lingered with
those dark eyes on her just a moment longer before he left the
bedroom and shut the door behind him.

Madeline tapped her fingers on the
seat belt buckle as Carlos pulled the car into the parking lot of
the medical building. Nerves had gripped every muscle in her body
and squeezed them until she felt numb. She fidgeted, trying to keep
herself calm. It wasn’t the doctor’s visit making her nervous. It
was the feeling that kept creeping into her heart when Carlos was
around.

He must have sensed her anxiety. He
placed his hand over hers until she stopped tapping her fingers,
then put his hand back on the steering wheel. “So do you have any
plans this weekend?”

“
No. I don’t make too many
plans anymore.”

He turned his head to look at her.
“Come to dinner at Mom and Dad’s.”

“
No.”

He adjusted behind the wheel and drove
down the aisle, looking for a parking space. “Now you’ve hurt my
feelings.”

“
I didn’t mean to. I just
don’t think I belong there, that’s all.”

“
What makes you say
that?”

“
You have a fiancée, Carlos.
You don’t need me at a family dinner.”

“
But you are
family.”

“
I’m ex-family.”

“
We’ve never made you feel
that way,” he said sharply as he pulled into a space.

“
No. You and your family
have been very gracious to me. They always have been. But I can’t
do that to Kathy. She’s sharing you enough, and I don’t want to
jeopardize her kindness toward me either.”

Carlos pulled into a parking space and
put the car in park. “Kathy knows I’m inviting you, and she thinks
it will be nice for you to be with everyone.”

“
Really?” She turned her
head to capture his stare. “She said that?”

“
Yes, she said
that.”

Madeline shook her head. It shouldn’t
have bothered her that the woman was so willing to accept her, but
it did. There was a part of her that wanted to be ex-family. She
didn’t want to think they still liked her and accepted her. It
would have been easier if they didn’t. But that wasn’t how the
Keller family worked. She let out a deep breath. “You are marrying
one amazing woman.”

“
I sure am.
C’mon.”

Those few words stuck her like a
knife. What had she expected? He loved Kathy, she knew that. But
she realized he’d been so attentive to her, she’d let her thoughts
wander toward the absurd as if he’d ever give it all up for her,
again.

Carlos climbed out of the car and
walked around to her side. He opened her door and extended his
hand. She pushed it away and climbed out of the car. Without even
waiting for him, she started toward the building.

“
Maddie!” Carlos called
after her. “Wait!” He reached for her arm and turned her toward
him. “What just happened? What’s gotten into you?”

“
Nothing!” How could she
possibly tell him her heart was hurting because she still loved him
and always had? How could she tell him that, when she knew he was
marrying a woman who was so much more than she was? Kathy wasn’t
petty, but Madeline was finding out that she was. Obviously Kathy
wasn’t the jealous type either, but the green-eyed monster was
eating Madeline one gracious comment at a time.

Carlos let go of her arm, but he kept
his eyes focused on her. “Don’t lie to me. I know you so much
better than you think.”

He did. He knew her inside and out and
vice versa. So why couldn’t she let it go? Why couldn’t she just
let him be happy?

“
I’m sorry. I’m not handling
all of this too well.”

“
Why should you?” He pulled
her to him. “Cancer isn’t just something that comes and goes. You
have to fight it. You’re doing that. That doctor is going to tell
us you’re doing great. I know this.”

She nodded against his chest, taking
in the comfort he offered.

“
Besides.” He brushed his
hand down her back, causing a guilty little shiver there. “You’ve
never backed down from anything. You’re not going to back down
now.”

No, she’d never backed down from
anything until the day one of them decided he needed to move out.
Now, she couldn’t even remember who’d mentioned it
first.

Madeline changed into her gown and lay
on the exam table. Then she called for Carlos, who had waited just
beyond the door.

When he walked into the room, he
smiled at her, but she knew it was only to keep her calm. There was
a fire burning beyond his eyes. Worry was consuming him as much as
jealousy was consuming her.

He took her hand in his. “The doctor
is in the next room. He’ll be in, in a few minutes.”

Madeline nodded. She wished she could
explain her feelings to him, but what would it matter? He was being
friendly. He’d always been friendly when it came to her. “Are you
sure Kathy is okay with me coming to dinner?”

“
Of course.”

She nodded. “I think that would be
great. I’ll be there.”

The worry in his eyes changed, and at
that moment she knew he was happy. His beautiful smile had her
heart racing, again. She remembered the first time he’d ever smiled
at her. Tall, dark, and handsome was an understatement. She’d
fallen in love with his smile, and then his eyes, and then that
deep voice that cracked because it hadn’t settled into the
fifteen-year-old body of the man she’d later fall in love
with.

He stroked her knuckles with his
thumb. “I’ll come by and get you.”

“
No. I’ll meet you
there.”

“
Are you sure?”

“
Yes. It’ll be best for
everyone.”

“
Are you already planning an
escape?”

“
Me?” She laughed. “No. I
was offering you one.”

The door opened, and the doctor walked
through with a clipboard in his arm. “Madeline, how are
you?”

“
I’m doing fine.” She shook
his hand.

“
Dr. Martin,” he introduced
himself, turning to Carlos and holding out his hand.

“
Carlos Keller,” he said
shaking the doctor’s hand.

“
Carlos is my ex-husband,
and”—she turned her eyes toward him—”he’s my best friend. He’s
helping me get through this.”

Carlos gave her hand a squeeze. She
wondered if it felt as weird to him to call her his ex-wife. No
matter how long it had been, it still squeezed at her heart to say
it.

“
It must be working.” Dr.
Martin looked at the papers on the clipboard. “Your white blood
count looks better than it did right after the surgery. Your weight
is down though.”

“
She sleeps a lot and she’s
not eating,” Carlos said quickly as if he were making sure she
didn’t leave anything out.

Dr. Martin made a note in the chart.
“Madeline, do you think this is worse than before?”

She bit down on her lip, looked up at
Carlos, and then back at the doctor. “Well, I do lose energy pretty
fast, and I throw up at least once a day.”

“
We’ll get you something to
help you with your nausea and something to get that white blood
count up.”

She nodded.

“
Now let’s look at you.” Dr.
Martin moved toward her and Carlos stepped back.

Carlos looked at her. “I’ll wait
outside.”

“
Please stay,” she heard
herself say, though she hadn’t planned on asking him to.

“
Are you sure?” She
understood the fear in his eyes. When he saw what they’d done to
her in surgery, he might want to stop coming around. But she
nodded.

The doctor pushed back her gown, and
Madeline heard Carlos gasp. She clenched her fists at her sides.
What had he expected? Did he really think she’d have let him stand
there and ogle her bare chest had it been intact?

Madeline felt the tears well in her
eyes, and she turned her head to make sure he couldn’t see them.
He’d never look at her the way he once had. How could
he?

“
This looks good,” Dr.
Martin said as he covered her back up. “Have you given
consideration to reconstruction?”

She felt Carlos shift at her side, and
when she looked up at him, she saw the telltale sign of the line
that creased between his brows. He was uncomfortable.

Good. So was she.

“
Oh, I want reconstruction.
I just want to finish this first.” She forced her voice to be
steady so Carlos could hear that she’d be fine. She didn’t need him
taking care of her forever. He didn’t have to feel sorry for her.
One day, very soon, she’d be a complete woman again.

Dr. Martin nodded. “That’s perfectly
understandable.” He made more notes and then filled out a
prescription and handed it to her. “I think you’re doing great.
We’ll do more blood work in a few weeks and more x-rays. If this
doesn’t help with the nausea and the energy levels, I want you to
call me. I want you to be very careful during this time of year and
stay healthy. With your white blood count still a little off, a
simple cold could become something more complicated,” he
warned.

“
Should I keep the kids from
her?” Carlos asked, his voice filled with panic.

“
No. But make sure they keep
themselves clean. Have them take extra showers and wash their hands
often. They are most likely to bring home germs. We just want to
take as many precautions as possible.”

“
What about her hair?” He
asked another question she had forgotten to ask. There were some
benefits to having him there, she decided. Carlos kept his eyes on
the doctor. “She says it’s starting to fall out.”

Dr. Martin nodded and made more notes.
“It’s perfectly normal for some people to lose their hair during
chemotherapy.” He turned toward Madeline. “This will be your call,
of course. If it has started, likely it will keep coming out. It’s
going to hurt.” He considered his words. “Not painfully, but
imagine you have a sunburn on your scalp, and it itches and hurts.
You understand, right?”

“
Yes.” She swallowed hard.
She hadn’t thought about the process of it falling out, just that
it would, and quickly. “So I’ll be bald?”

“
Hair comes out in patches.
You’ll more than likely want to take the clippers to it. Don’t
shave it with a razor.” He lifted his eyes to Carlos. “It’ll cause
infection.”

Carlos nodded his understanding, but
she saw the corners of his lips turn down as he swallowed hard. The
very thought of how ugly she was going to be—breastless and
hairless—made him sick.

Dr. Martin looked back at Madeline.
“You can cover your head with a scarf, hat, or wig to keep your
head warm if you want. Especially during the winter, you’ll want to
do that to keep your body heat in. As for looks, many women cover
their heads. It’s up to you.”

He gave his notes another look then
lifted his eyes to her. He pushed back his shoulders and smiled.
That gave her some confidence. The man looked pleased with her
checkup. “Madeline, call me if you need anything or if you have
questions.”

Madeline forced a grin. “Thank you.”
She wanted to feel as positive as the doctor looked.

“
Mr. Keller, it was nice to
meet you. I’m glad to see Madeline has a good support
team.”

“
She does, sir,” Carlos said
as he looked at her. “Our children and I are here for her.” For the
first time she saw something in his eyes she hadn’t seen in more
than five years. There was a peace that shaded them. The kind that
had been there before when times were hard, but he still had loved
her. A lump caught in her throat.

Dr. Martin nodded and left the room.
Carlos helped her from the table.

“
I’ll wait for you outside,”
he offered and headed for the door.

“
Carlos.” He turned back to
her. “Thank you for coming with me. I was trying to think of every
excuse to make you not come, but I’m glad I couldn’t come up with
any.”

“
I wouldn’t have listened to
them anyway.”

She nodded and smiled. “I know. I just
want you to know this means the world to me.”

He tucked his bottom lip in and
nodded. He was nervous; she knew his tells. She knew he wanted to
hug her. He wanted to kiss away all her pain, but he stood across
the room and finally opened the door.

“
I’ll be out in a few
minutes.” He left the room, and Madeline sat for a moment. She
pulled off the drape and looked down at her disfigured body. The
curves were gone and there was nothing left, much like her life in
general. The man she’d always loved had found someone new, and she
winced when she realized she’d been the one to encourage it. The
man who had held her hand the past five years had started his life
over. And here she was hoping that every day she’d wake up and get
to spend more time with her children.