A Sea Change (9 page)

It was very late. Nick’s house had been dark for quite some time. Maddy had been staring at it for just as long. She knew she should get up and go to bed. But there didn’t seem to be any point in it. The bed was just another place to think; another place to be alone. The deck chaise served the same lousy purpose.

Unexpectedly, a dim light winked on somewhere in his house, and, without thinking, Maddy slowly stood and shook off the blanket.

She rang his doorbell with no hesitation. He opened the door and his face registered no surprise at seeing her. He wore a pair of drawstring sweat pants and nothing else. He didn’t smile; didn’t speak. Their eyes locked, and Maddy knew it was up to her. She moved closer.

“There’s something I need,” she said.

Nick reached out. His palm momentarily cradled her cheek as he lightly ran his thumb over her lips. At his touch, Maddy’s eyes closed. His hand slipped behind her hair, and a small gasp escaped her. Sure fingers pulled her forward. She raised her mouth to meet his.

There was nothing gentle about his kiss. It was deep. Demanding. She felt it first in her stomach, then the heat spread outward. Her bones turned to rubber. His hand slid to the small of her back, pressing her closer, but she didn’t need to be coaxed. She went willingly, desperate to feel his hardness against her belly.

He groaned. It was a beautiful sound.

His mouth – her tongue; they devoured each other. He bent to cup her buttocks. She reached for his shoulders. And as he brought her up, she wrapped her legs around his hips and he fell back against the wall.

She reached around, feeling for the door.

It closed decisively.

Journal Ent
ry

April 13
th

It’s nearly dawn, but I’m too full of him to sleep.

I don’t know how or where to start. I’m still reeling. I know what I did was crazy. It can’t be considered anything else. When was the last time I went to bed with a man I’d known for less than an hour? I’ll tell you. Never.

Oh, but God, it was amazing. He was amazing. We were amazing together.

I can still smell him on me. I don’t want to bathe. Don’t want to lose the only tangible evidence I have that it happened.

He made me come. He did that with his touch. I think I told him I probably wouldn’t. He got this satisfied smile on his face when I started. As if he knew there would be no doubt about it. I couldn’t tell him about all my failures. How I could count on my two hands the number of times I’d had an orgasm by some hand other than my own.

We hardly spoke. When we did, the words were shameless expressions of what we wanted. Or proof of satisfaction. It seemed to go on forever. And when he couldn’t hold out anymore, I watched his face as he came. I’ve never done that before. Never really wanted to. It always seemed voyeuristic to me. But with Nick it became the ultimate intimacy.

He held me afterward. I told him he was incredible. He held me tighter. We were almost asleep when he chuckled, and said, “Maddy, that was way past incredible. I’d have to call it the fuck of a lifetime.” Then he thanked me.

I don’t know who I’ve become.

Does closing in on forty give a woman license to break free of her old self? Does it mean I’ve lived half my life the way someone else wanted me to live it, and now I can finally be who I want? Who I really am?

A few hours ago I was so angry and hurt and afraid. Ted did that to me. But at this moment I feel astoundingly free. I’m lighter than air. There’s no such thing as gravity. Nick did that for me.

He’s strong and beautiful. Everyone seems to adore him.
I
seem to adore him.

When he entered me I had an overpowering urge to tell him I loved him. How can that hbe? I’m the person who laughs when I hear people talking about love at first sight; about soul mates. But didn’t I want him the minute I saw him? And wasn’t I thrilled to realize he wanted me, too?

I woke up about an hour after we’d fallen asleep. I thought about staying, but I know how guys are, and I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. I left him a note and came home, too keyed up to do anything but write.

I’m finally getting tired, so I suppose I’ll have to make up for sleeping the morning away by working all afternoon. It’s okay. It was worth it.

And I don’t even know his last name.

Ch
apter Nine

Nick crumpled the note and let it fall to the bedroom floor. He covered his face with his hands. “This could be big trouble.”

At first he’d been a little disappointed to find himself alone in bed. It didn’t take long to appreciate it. Maybe she was more like Jaed than he’d originally thought. And then he found the note she’d put on the pillow. His stomach contracted in something akin to fear as he’d read it.

Nick
, she wrote.
I couldn’t sleep. Kept wanting to wake you. Kept wanting you. You’ve given me something very special. You made me feel like a woman again. And you took away the loneliness. Dinner at my place tonight? I won’t make dessert – I’m sure we can come up with something even more delicious. Maddy

What in the hell had he been thinking last night? Well, okay. He
hadn’t
been thinking. There’d been no big battle. His little head had won, hands down. He’d been lonely and pissed off and – yeah – scared.

Maddy at the front door was no surprise. He wanted her. She wanted him. They were two adults who had generated enough heat to melt a glacier. It was as uncomplicated as that. Or so he’d thought.

Nick pulled the pillow over his head and tried not to think about it.

Impossible.

Her scent lingered and his body responded.

“Damn,” he said, wearily.

This was exactly what he’d been avoiding all this time. He could deal with one night stands. He could even handle a casual affair. What he couldn’t do right now was a relationship. It took too much energy. More importantly, it took too much trust. And he didn’t have any of that to spare.

He sat up and looked at the clock. It was only six, but he didn’t want to go back to sleep. The nightmares were always worse when he did.

“What are you gonna do, McKay? She lives right next door.”

That was the crux of the matter. Capable, sweet, sexy –
don’t forget needy, Nick
– Maddy was less than fifty feet away. It would’ve been perfect, except for that fourth horseman. He didn’t need need. He only needed want.

The shower cleansed his body, but did nothing for his soul. Nick knew what he had to do, and it would involve hurting her. Better to do it now, while they had no history. She’d think he was a total shit. So be it. He wasn’t ready to get into the why’s and how’s of his cautious approach to closeness. Not with Maddy. Not now, anyway. But maybe…

God, she’d been spectacular. On the erotic scale, the night had been a ‘10.’ No words – just sensations. Every man’s dream. Her hunger had fueled his. They’d been a perfect fit from start to finish.

Think about something else, Nick.

The sun had probably risen somewhere on the West Coast, but it wasn’t going to reach Salmon Beach anytime soon. Nick walked up the path through the dim morning light. The sky was thick with clouds, but only a fine mist fell and clung to his hair.

He reached Number 16 and stopped to look up at the house. Nothing seemed out of place, although George had been right. The pile of shingles that had once reached three feet was now down to one.

Nick started up the stairs, checking the boards as he went. Some didn’t look as if they could hold a small animal, let alone a 190 pound man. He thought of Becky running around the Beach, and made a mental note to rope off the steps with a warning sign.

A large piece of plywood leaned against the hole that had once been a front door. Nick pushed it aside and stepped into the entry. A rustling noise made him turn on his flashlight. The raccoon paused as the light hit its eyes, stared at Nick for a second, and then nonchalantly waddled away into the depths of the house. Unless he was building a woodland condo for his family, he wasn’t the culprit.

Nick walked through the front of the house, his boots scuffing through piles of leaves, fir needles, and mouse droppings. Nothing unusual. The fireplace had been used, but not recently. The kitchen had been stripped of everything salvageable except the faucets. He tried the cold water tap and a trickle of rusty water dripped into the filthy sink, leaving an ugly trail resembling dried blood.

He was surprised to see the back door intact. It opened easily and quietly, leading to a porch that ran the length of the house. The footprints there had to be fairly fresh. They hadn’t been washed away by the rain yet.

Nick got on his knees, hung his head over the edge of the porch, and peered through the lattice. The area underneath was open. No way to hide there.

Reentering the house, Nick made his way through the back rooms. The bathroom had suffered the same fate as the kitchen. The sink and toilet were gone. Even the medicine cabinet had been liberated. But the bathtub was clean. Someone had scrubbed it till it shone. He turned on the faucets. Nothing from the hot water side, of course, but the cold water flowed freely.

The doors to both bedrooms stood open, and they looked much like the living room. Dirty. Unused.

Nick stood in the hallway, confused. Someone had been there, of that he was certain. But they weren’t living in the house.

“At least they’re clean,” he muttered.

Sliding the plywood over the front entry again, he carefully went back down the stairs. Nick took one last look up at the house. He felt he was missing something, but what it could be he didn’t know. Maybe it would come to him later. Right now, he wanted breakfast.

*****

It was a little past noon. He’d seen no signs of life at Jaed’s place, but he didn’t want to wait any longer. Didn’t want her getting a dinner for two ready that she’d have to eat alone.

Nick rang the bell a couple of times. He nervously paced to the edge of the porch and back. He knocked loudly, and finally heard her voice.

“It’s Nick,” he said, steeling himself.

Maddy sleepily smiled at him. Said a soft, “Hi.”

He’d obviously awakened her. She wore an oversized t-shirt with the words “Baseball Is Life” emblazoned across the front. She self-consciously ran a hand through her hair.

“Sorry to get you up. Can I come in for a sec?”

She nodded.

He knew she was waiting for a kiss. And as his eyes took in her full breasts, the thin cotton doing nothing to disguise the fact that it was a chilly day, Nick knew he wanted to kiss her. But he walked past her instead, and she closed the door.

Maddy came up beside him and put a hand on his arm. “Are you okay?”

There was that scent of hers again, mixed with sleep. This was going to be very tough.

“Yeah. Fine. But there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“Okay.” She moved past him. “Is the living room good?”

Her voice gave away nothing. She held her head up and her barefoot walk down the hallway was confident. He followed, unable to look away from her voluptuous hips.

She turned as they reached the living area. “Coffee?”

It was then he saw the fear in her eyes.

Nick shook his head and sat in the same chair he’d occupied a few nights ago.

Maddy followed suit, crossing her legs and folding her arms across her chest.

He clasped his hands and let them dangle between his knees.

“I’m not going to be able to make dinner tonight,” he said.

A transparent wave of relief passed through her and she smiled. Her hands came down to her sides and she pushed herself forward on the couch. “Is that all? It’s okay, Nick. We can do it tomorrow night.”

Nick looked down, then his eyes met hers.

“That’s not all.” He paused. “Look. Last night was great. It was beyond great.”

There was that fear again. At that moment, he hated himself.

“But?...” Maddy said, her voice hard.

“But it was just last night. I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

The fear was replaced by pain. She abruptly stood and walked to the window, her back to him.

“You’re right. It was just great sex. I got what I wanted.”

Nick could hear the false bravado in her voice.

“Maddy, it’s not you…”

She spun around. “Please don’t give me the ‘it’s not you’ speech. It’s not necessary. I told you, I got what I wanted. I don’t want complications, either.”

As Nick watched her he remembered her legs wrapped around his thighs, and knew he had to have her again. Wanted to slow it down. Linger. Get to know every inch of her skin. But that would just prolong the agony of saying “no” later.

He stood and didn’t bother trying to hide his erection. There was nothing he could do or say that would disprove his attraction to her. She wasn’t stupid. They both knew it was there.

All he could do was leave.

“Maddy, I’m sorry.  You have no idea how sorry. Your note was really sweet. But no matter what you say, I’m afraid you’re looking for more.”

The cat came out of nowhere. Maddy scooped Chloe into her arms, burying her face in the soft fur.

“Okay, Nick. Think what you want.”

“I just need some time.”

“Fine. I understand. Just make sure you understand that I won’t be holding my breath.”

He sighed, hesitated, and then moved to stand in front of her. “This isn’t the way I wanted this to go. I probably should’ve said ‘no’ last night. At least we’d have a chance at being friends.”

“Maybe that can still happen. But
I’m
going to need some time for that.”

He nodded.

“Bye, Nick.”

“Thanks, Maddy.” He bent and gently kissed her lips. And before he could stop himself, her cheek, her eyes, her forehead. He’d taken her face in his hands, when she pulled away.

“If you want to be my friend, you’d better go.”

“Right.” Nick wondered just how much he was going to regret this later. “Better go.”

He’d reached the front door when she said his name. He turned.

She stood in the hall, still holding the cat. “All I did was thank you, ask you to dinner, and offer you sex. Which of those three things scared you the most?”

“It wasn’t any of those things, Maddy.  I think you know that.”

“Then I’ll try to take up the whole page next time. You know…fill all the spaces? I didn’t realize you liked to read between the lines.”

They considered each other of a long moment. Then Maddy turned and disappeared, leaving Nick to let himself out.