A Sea Change (29 page)

She reached up to open a cabinet. The portion of his brain labeled “Erotic Stimuli” went into overdrive. Nick watched as her skirt hiked up, revealing the top of her stocking, and the garter that held it up. At that point he seriously considered bagging dinner.

Maddy was at the sink, filling a vase with water, when Nick silently stepped behind her. He pressed the length of his body against hers, slid his hands down her thighs, gently bit the flesh where her neck met her shoulder. An involuntary moan escaped her and she’d arched against him. This immediate response to his touch thrilled Nick. It had from the start.

He lifted a handful of skirt, his fingers searching and finding the place where stocking gave way to smooth skin. His other hand moved along the slick fabric that covered her belly. Nick whispered, “I want you now.” She shivered, and he went on. “But I think waiting will make it even better.”

Maddy had slowly, deliberately turned to face him, their bodies a magnetic force unable to part. With her hands on his hips, she pulled him closer still. She kissed him with a hunger that left him breathless. Then she stopped, leaving him suspended between heaven and earth, and said, “I don’t deserve you.”

He’d opened his eyes, looked into hers, and got the oddest feeling she actually meant it.

“What’s wrong, Maddy?” he’d asked.

*****

‘Right there,’ Nick thought. ‘That’s where I should’ve made her sit down and tell me what was going on in her head.’

But because of where his own head had been at that instant – which was envisioning it between her legs – he’d let her answer of, “I guess I’m just a little tired,” satisfy him.

*****

He had helped her on with her jacket and they’d left Jaed’s house. Maddy teetered along the path, her heels sinking into the muck. At the stairway, Nick took her elbow and stopped her. “You can’t walk up these steps in those. Give me your key. I’ll go back and get your sandals.”

She looked down at her feet and said, “That’s funny. I usually remember to do that on my own.”

When Nick returned, Maddy stood exactly where he’d left her, but she wasn’t alone. Phil Madvick leaned against the bannister, his hand on the rail only a few inches from hers. Nick couldn’t see his face, but he saw Maddy’s. And it hadn’t been his imagination that she did a caught-in-the-act, double-take when she noticed his approach.

Madvick turned around then. He took in Nick’s appearance and grinned. “Whoa! Look at that sharp-dressed man.” Nick didn’t smile in return, and Phil straightened up, saying, “We were just discussing some work Maddy needs done.”

Nick handed Maddy the sandals, never taking his eyes off the other man, and said, “I can handle anything Maddy needs done.”

“Sure. Of course. Sorry, Nick. You am de boss.” Madvick took a few steps back. “Hey, you kids have a great time tonight.” He turned and quickly moved down the path.

*****

Nick wearily pushed himself off the bed and padded into the kitchen for another beer.

Maybe he’d been the problem after all. Maybe, in some subliminal way, he’d let Phil Madvick get to him. Maybe the heartburn he’d gotten before they’d even eaten had been obvious.

“Yeah, and just
maybe
I imagined Maddy telling me she had a headache half-way through the appetizer,” Nick said to himself, tossing the bottle opener onto the counter. The sound of metal hitting tile rang through the empty house.

They’d sat at their window table, with the view of Vashon Island, and their twenty-six dollar bottle of wine, and made small talk.
Small talk
, for Christ’s sake, when what he’d really wanted to do was somehow let her know how he felt about her; And to tell her how she’d given him the impetus to try for joint custody again; And to talk about what they’d do in Victoria when they were alone in their room.

Earlier, Nick had imagined holding her hand in the movie theater, doing a little necking. Maybe driving somewhere dark and deserted, and doing it in the truck like a couple of teenagers. And right now, he could actually envision her straddling him – her skirt as it rode up her thighs – the black lace of her garter belt an added fantasy he couldn’t have summoned up if he hadn’t already glimpsed it.

But they never got as far as dessert. Maddy’s half-eaten planked salmon got wrapped in foil, along with Nick’s fantasies, and he brought her home. She apologized the whole way. At her front door he still had hope, and had said, “I might be able to help you with that headache.” But Maddy had wanly smiled, said she was sorry for the twentieth time and gone inside, alone.

As he thought about it, Nick could see how badly he’d played it. Her clothes had sent one signal, but the message in her eyes made him realize how truly shitty Maddy had felt. There had been a sadness in them he’d refused to acknowledge the entire night – until now.

The beer stood open on the counter. Nick gazed at the blinking light on his answering machine. No way he was calling Kay back tonight. There was only one person he wanted to talk to about what had happened, and he looked out the window across the beach. Her bedroom lamp was still on, and Nick dialed her number.

The busy signal stymied him. And then, out of nowhere, an unwanted thought entered his mind. Nick vaguely wondered where this new side to his personality – this jealous, prying side – had been hiding, as he punched in Number 70’s phone number.

He stared out through the darkness at Jaed’s house, while he listened as the phone company confirmed his suspicions. Because who in the hell would Phil Madvick be talking to anytime, let alone this time of night?

Journal Entry

July 27 – 8:3
0 p.m.

I feel totally disoriented. Completely worn out. Yet I slept the whole day away. I got up once to feed Chloe then decided sleep was preferable to thinking. But now I’m awake, and can’t
stop
thinking.

I’ve gone through so many changes in my life these past few months and I was just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The glimpse I had of the future made me think I stood a chance at finally being happy.

Bringing up the past with Nick made it seem less horrible. Sharing it with him seemed to diminish its ability to hurt me. I guess it was a weight I’d been carrying around a long time. Saying the words – having them actually leave my body – made me feel so much lighter. No more secrets was such a good thing.

But now there’s a new secret. And it’s a huge one. The weight is back, and it seems even heavier than before.

I’m so confused. For years I thought that if I had Danny back in my life everything would fall into place. My world would be whole again and we could pick up where we’d left off. That I’d have my family back, and I’d know exactly where my life should go.

But that’s not what happened.

I lost that fantasy family a long time ago. And this Danny who’s come to me is so different from the one I’ve had in my memory.  I know it’s stupid to think he’d be the same little brother who left us. But since all I’ve had is my memory and a handful of photographs, he’s been frozen in time. It’s hard to reconcile this adult Danny with the boy who drove away in a VW beetle.

He’s my brother, but he’s also a stranger. I don’t know him anymore. And he doesn’t know me. It will take a lot to make up for this lost time.

He’s appeared out of nowhere. He says he loves me. Says he’s missed me. But in the first hour we were together he asked me to lie for him. And I said I would. If blood is thicker than water, why do I feel so angry? What could be so important that I have to deceive Nick? After all these years of absence, how is it fair to ask me to do something so lousy?

And what about Mom and Dad? Don’t they have a right to know he’s alive? But Mom called this morning and, once again, I had to pretend nothing had changed. When will that ever end?

I have to do the right thing. How do I decide what that is?

I guess it means listening to what Danny has to say. But how do I do that without alienating Nick? I can already feel him stepping back. He’s having second thoughts about ‘Phil.’ He’s jealous of him, in more ways than one. I can hear it in the tone of his voice when he talks about him. I saw it on his face when he saw the two of us at the bottom of the steps. Nick is already beginning to doubt my feelings for him. I’ve just gotten him to trust me. This very large secret could be the end of all that.

I need to tell Nick exactly how I feel about him. Saying “I love you” in the throes of passion doesn’t really mean anything. He has to understand it goes deeper than that.

God, I can’t think.

Danny called after I got back from that disastrous date. He wanted to talk, and I just couldn’t. I told him I’d be the one who did the calling from now on. That he had to stay away from me until I could figure out how to ease Nick’s mind. And when I
am
ready to hear what he has to say, it better be damned good.

The date…It was so hard for me. I had so many little fantasies about what would happen that night. I never dreamed I’d ruin it, but I felt absolutely helpless to do anything to save it. I think I was in shock, because at the start of the evening I thought I was handling myself pretty well. When I told Nick I was tired, that was the truth. And I
did
have a raging headache, but since we were making conversation I figured it couldn’t possibly be going as badly as all that. But I ran out of things to say, because all I could think about was Danny. And the pain got so bad I thought I was going to be sick. I guess it was at that point when I closed my eyes without even realizing I’d done it, that Nick said he’d take me home.

I know he was upset. He tried hard not to show it, but it came out in the way he drove, and the way he responded to my endless apologies. “Hey, if you feel bad, you feel bad,” or “There’ll be other nights,” or “I’m sorry, too, but I wish you’d let me know how you felt from the start.”

God, how I wish I could’ve just told him what was going on. But I made that promise to Danny.

This is driving me crazy. I’m going to have to tell Danny how I feel about Nick. I’ve got to make him understand how much Nick means to me, and that I can’t risk losing him. But I could say the same for Danny, too, couldn’t I? I don’t want to lose him again, either.

I feel trapped.

I wish I could talk to Mary about it, but I can’t do that. I can’t tell anyone…

I keep looking at that drawing Becky did for me. It’s that peek at the future I wrote about before. But I think – to Becky – it’s a still-life. She’s captured a memory, much like a photograph. It’s the memory she wants to believe in.

We tend to have selective memories. Our ability to recall events is strangely picky. If another person’s involved – if it’s a shared experience – so many times the two of you recall things differently. I don’t know what that is, but it’s true. Like the song from
Gigi
– he remembers a blue sky, she remembers rain. He says she wore a gold dress, she says, “no it was blue.”

We remember things the way we like to think they were. And depending on the mood we’re in, or our frame of mind at the time, it can be good or bad. I have a lot of shared memories with Ted. He would tell a story about a trip we’d taken, but if you listened to my version you’d think we’d been on completely different vacations.

Even weirder: if we’re imagining something that never really happened – a daydream – wishful thinking almost makes it seem real. It’s like repeating a lie so many times you begin to believe it’s the truth.

That’s what Becky’s done with her painting: made something seem real, or possible, when in actuality it’s just a fantasy. The life I was beginning to imagine with Nick may turn out to be a pipe dream. If that’s the case, I don’t know how I’ll cope with the loss of that dream.

The only thing I
do
know right now is, I love Nick. I love him with all my heart. If I have to give him up because Danny’s come back to me, how is that fair? I shouldn’t have to lose my heart to save my soul.

Cha
pter Thirty-Two

A night rain had fallen. Steam rose from the damp roof shingles where the sun hit them. As Phil Madvick reached the top rung of the ladder and looked out across the housetops, the whole beach seemed to smolder. Summer was back.

Somewhere below him, Nick started up a circular saw, and its ringing grind put an end to the morning silence. Phil carefully crawled up the slippery roof until he reached the crown. He straddled it on hands and knees, and began ripping off the damaged caps, tossing them over the side.

Maddy hadn’t made any attempts to contact him in the four days since he’d sprung himself on her, and he was losing patience. He wanted to talk with her. Needed to finally connect with her, the way they had when they were young. Now that he’d broken through, Phil wanted to enter her circle and let it close around the two of them. Only then would he feel safe.

Her anger had been all the more frightening for its righteousness. He really hadn’t expected it, and anger wasn’t something he handled well.

As Danny Phillips he’d had enough to last a lifetime. Since then, he’d learned to finesse his way out of potentially volatile situations. He knew how to use his looks, and the charm he’d developed, to their best advantage. Even when he’d been at the top of his game – just before he’d met Charles – and was thieving, taking, using just for the thrill of it, getting caught never seemed to present a real problem for him. Very few people pressed charges. The ones who did, did so reluctantly, with softly-voiced asides to the arresting officer: “Go easy on him. He’s not really hurting anything.”

But Charles had seen something more in him. Something worthwhile. He’d been only the second person in his life who had.

A shout interrupted his thoughts and he moved toward the head of the ladder, where Nick was stacking the new cedar caps. Phil picked up a few and made his way up to the top again. Nick joined him with another armload.

The past few days had been conversational black holes. Phil had tried talking to him, but Nick made no effort to respond in more than monosyllables, and he’d about given up. Today wasn’t much different, except Nick’s hammering seemed to get more vehement with every nail he drove.

Twenty minutes later Norm Nelsen’s head appeared at the roofline, and he held up two cans of soda. Phil gratefully took them back up, popped one open, and handed it to Nick, whose “thanks” was anything but gracious.

Phil sat down, his back against the chimney, and took a couple of swallows. He eyed Nick, a few feet away, and casually asked, “So, how long have you known Maddy?”

Nick’s face turned toward him, but it was inscrutable behind his sunglasses. He poured some of the soda down his throat before saying, “What’s it to you?”

Phil shrugged. “Just wondered. You seem pretty tight.”

Nick turned away again and looked into the distance, then answered, “A few months.” He paused. “Not long enough.”

“So, you’re not – like – engaged, or anything?”

The muscle in Nick’s jaw tightened, and he quickly downed the rest of his drink. As he crushed the can, he asked, “Why do you care?”

“Haven’t seen her around the last couple of days, that’s all.”

Nick’s voice was deceptively affable. “Maybe that’s got something to do with you.”

“Really?” Phil affected a contrite tone. “Hey, if I’ve been cramping your style, I’m really sorry.”

Nick slowly stood and thoughtfully looked down at Phil. Then he said, “Don’t worry. You’re not.” He started down the roof. “You can finish up. I’ve got something I need to take care of.”

“No problem.” Phil still lounged against the cool bricks. “Tell her ‘hi’ for me.”

As Nick turned to back down the ladder, he didn’t bother disguising the hostility in his voice. “I’ll be sure to do that.”

*****

There were only eleven houses between the Nelsen’s place and Jaed’s, and Nick’s frustration rose with each one he passed. Enough was enough. He’d gone three extremely long nights without her. By the time he marched past Number 79, Nick was pretty certain he’d do whatever it took to ensure his body on hers sometime in the next eight hours.

He rang the bell and then banged on the door. When he heard running footsteps, Nick called out, “It’s me – open up!”

Maddy flung open the door, panic written on her face. “What’s wrong? Did something happen – is Mary all right?”

“She’s fine.” He walked in and pulled off his sunglasses. “I’m not. Look, whatever I did to screw up the other night, I’m sorry.”

“What
you
did?” Maddy took his hand in both of hers. “What are you talking about? You had nothing to do with it.”

“Then what happened, Maddy?”

She released him and turned to shut the door, saying, “It was my fault. I felt shitty, but I didn’t want to spoil it by cancelling. Big mistake, huh?” Maddy looked up at him, then toward the living room. “You want to sit down? Have something to drink?” She started down the hall. “I can’t believe how hot it is again.”

Nick took her arm to stop her. “If we’re gonna talk about the weather, I might as well leave now.”

She sounded uneasy when she said, “I promise. No weather chitchat.”

They sat on the couch, side by side, not quite touching. Maddy reached out and began picking dead flowers off the African violet on the coffee table.

Nick couldn’t stand it anymore and he grabbed her hand. Dry, brown flowers spilled onto the table. Physical contact would make everything okay again. It was the one thing he could rely on. The one ‘known.’

His kiss was rough; a silent question. Her response was a
quid pro quo
of need. Long minutes went by. They broke apart.

His voice was hoarse with emotion. “Maddy, I need to know. Is there something else you want?”

“I want you,” she replied.

“But if someone else came along?...” She looked away for a moment. Just long enough for Nick to feel the beginning of a knot of mistrust form in his chest. “What about Phil?” he asked.

“I want you,” she repeated. “There’s no one else.”

He hesitated then said, “Phil wants you, though.”

Nick could see tension electrify her body, and the knot tightened.

“Where did you get that idea?” she finally said. “I don’t even know him.” Maddy abruptly stood and walked around the coffee table.

“I’m not guessing here, Maddy. There’s something going on. I just don’t know what it is.”

“How flattering,” she said testily. “Your rival is a homeless thief. Don’t you know me better than that?”

Nick looked at his hands, then at Maddy. “I don’t know. Do I?”

“This is insane!” She took a deep breath to calm herself. “Nick, I’m in love with you. There’s nobody else.” Maddy paused. “Is that what you wanted to hear? Does that ease your mind?”

Nick got off the couch and regarded her for a second before saying, “Not when you say it that way, it doesn’t.”

Her eyes pleaded with him. “Nick, I’m sorry.” Her voice begged him to understand, but again, she looked away from him momentarily. “You mean everything to me. Does what you’re saying mean you care about me, too?”

“I think you know what it means.”

Maddy’s face hardened. “Sure. Of course. It’s been three days and you’re feeling the need to mark your territory.”

Nick swiftly came around the table to stand in front of her, angry that she’d boiled down their entire relationship to one act, but unable to say anything more intimate. “Okay, Maddy. I admit it. I need you. I want to make love to you. That’s not a crime.”

Maddy felt tired; defeated. “No, it’s not a crime, Nick.” There was no way for her to tell him she was being torn apart by the past and the present. “I’ve missed you, too.”

“So where does that leave us?”

“It leaves us with me still loving you. Nothing’s changed.”

“Then prove it to me.” Nick’s demand took even him by surprise, but the words were out and couldn’t be taken back.

Her eyes grew sad, and she said, “All right. I will.”

*****

Phil sat in his cabin, the walls closing in on him. He stared at the phone, willing Maddy to call. But she’d spent the late morning with Nick, and he knew she wouldn’t.

Nick had come back to the Nelsen’s place two hours later, his mood only slightly improved. And Phil – unable to stop himself – had tweaked him. Asked if his nooner had included lunch. But Nick had ignored his not-so-subtle innuendos and gone on with his work.

Phil wanted to believe he didn’t know what made him play this game with Nick, but in truth, he knew very well. He was jealous. For years, Phil had imagined Maddy with that cretin, Ted Perry. And although he’d felt sorry for her – he had no illusions as to what a bully the man must have been – he’d never felt jealous. Because how could Maddy truly love someone like that? Didn’t she see whom she’d picked for a partner? As far as Phil was concerned, Perry was simply a cruder version of their father.

But Nick was different. The man’s honor was positively tangible. And Phil could also tell McKay was in love with his sister, despite his macho posturing. And this spelled real trouble for Phil. He knew Maddy’s sense of loyalty would be divided. Phil’s only hope was to play his trump card: he was family – Nick wasn’t. It was that simple.

Phil checked the travel alarm clock by his bed. It was 10:20. He picked up the phone and dialed Nick’s number. When he answered, Phil hung up without speaking, and smiled to himself. Nick was home alone. He couldn’t picture him committing
coitus interruptus
for a phone call.

“Hell,” he said to himself. “He didn’t even stop when Maddy heard me in the kitchen that morning…But, then, she didn’t know it was me. ‘Cause if she had, Maddy would’ve gotten out from under him in a heartbeat.”

Are you sure?
the voice in his head asked.

He was almost positive.

Phil got off the bed and went to the door.

Do you really want to know the answer to that question?
the voice said.

“I need her now. She’s all I’ve got,” he whispered. “I don’t have any choice.”

But
she
does…

Phil hesitated then turned back to the bed. He stuck his hand between the mattress and box-spring and pulled out the photograph from its new hiding place. He gazed at it, letting the image do its work. With it firmly in his mind’s eye, Phil said, “No, she doesn’t.”

Dropping it onto the bed, he walked out the door.

Chap
ter Thirty-Three

Maddy sat at the computer. She’d tried working on the Salmon Beach book, but couldn’t concentrate. Photographs covered the top of the desk, with only five caption labels finished.

Earlier, needing to unburden herself to someone safe, she’d composed an email to Jaed, but she hadn’t hit “send” yet. It was a long, involved letter, because even her friend didn’t know about Danny. What kept Maddy from launching it into cyberspace was a reluctance to actually hear Jaed’s advice.

She’d picked up the phone a couple of times to call Nick. What they’d done earlier in the day had left Maddy with an empty feeling she couldn’t shake. There was no mistaking it for making love. It had been raw and desperate and quick. But what would she say to him?

Down four hundred and ninety-seven dollars in the Vegas version of solitaire, Maddy finally closed the game and stared at the monitor long enough for the screen-saver to kick in. Colorful fish swam through her line of vision. They were hypnotic and Maddy wondered if she sat there long enough would she be able to leave her body – and worries – behind, and flow into that peaceful aquatic world, at least for a little while.

He entered the room so quietly Maddy thought it was Chloe, and she waited for the cat to jump onto her lap. When that didn’t happen, Maddy slowly spun the chair around, saying, “What are you waiting for?” She gasped and her heart thudded at the sight of Danny.

 “I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said.

“How the hell did you get in here?”

“The back deck. I wasn’t sure you’d let me in if I came to the front door.”

Maddy’s hands gripped the chair’s arms. “I told you I’d call when I was ready to talk.”

“I know, but I wanted to see you. Now that I’ve found you, it’s hard to stay away, Maddy.”

She found herself getting caught up in his dark Danny eyes. They were the only feature she fully recognized. But then she remembered a pair of China-blue eyes, and a voice saying, “I need you,” and Maddy said, “You have to leave, Danny.”

“Come on, Maddy. Let me stay just a little while.”

“No!” She pushed herself out of the chair. “I can’t think straight right now.” He began to protest, and a bubble of anger burst inside her. “My life was just starting to make sense. And then you waltz into it, saying you love me and you missed me, and the next thing I know I’ve made you this
promise
, completely jeopardizing my relationship with Nick!”

“Are you saying I don’t matter to you? Your own brother?”

“Don’t do this to me!” she shouted. “Don’t play this game. I
will not
let you lay a guilt trip on me after all these years.” Maddy watched as the hurt took hold of him. “Look, Danny. I’m sorry for what you’ve had to go through. I’m sure your life’s been hard. Mine, too. But what you’ve asked me to do is lie to Nick, and I have to figure out a way to undo that.”

“But what about me?”

Frustrated, Maddy ran her hands through her hair, gripped her scalp. “Danny, please! Why can’t I tell Nick who you are?”

“Because I asked you not to.”

“
That’s not good enough!
”

“It is if you care about me.”

Unbelievably, she was crying again. “That is so unfair, Danny. Haven’t you ever loved someone?”

“You.”

“That’s not what I mean,” she said through her tears.

He had turned away from her, struggling with himself, then he said, “Once. I fell in love, but I lost him, too.”

Maddy became very still. “Him?”

He didn’t reply, and she walked around Danny to look at his face.

“I’m gay, Maddy.”

She was momentarily rendered speechless.