A Sea Change (34 page)

“Tell me over dinner. I don’t think my brain is working right now.”

“It’s important.”

Apprehension stole over him, and he lightly said, “Even if you told me you used to be a man, the only thing I’d do is get down on my knees and thank the lord for the miracle of modern medicine.”

Nick looked into her serious eyes and struggled to sit up. As Maddy reached for her tanktop and slipped it over her head, he asked, “This is something I have to get dressed for?”

“I guess it’d be easier for me if you weren’t sitting there gorgeous and naked,” she answered, handing him his shirt.

“Okay,” he said, putting a pillow behind his back and leaning against the headboard. “I’m ready.”

Maddy sat cross-legged in front of him. She examined the cuticle of her thumb, saying, “I don’t know why this is so hard for me.” She finally looked up. “It’s about Phil.”

Nick’s muscles – so loose just seconds before – turned to hardened cement, and his pulse rate doubled. “What about him?”

“It’s not what you’re thinking.” Maddy rushed the words to get them said at last. “Nick, he’s Danny. He’s my brother Danny.”

This was not what Nick expected, although just exactly
what
he expected, even he didn’t know.

“I don’t get it,” he said.

“Phil Madvick is my brother. The one who ran away.”

“How can Madvick be your brother?” he asked. “If he’s your brother, why wouldn’t I already know about it?” Confusion was being replaced by anger. “I mean, that’s something you would’ve told me right off, isn’t it?”

“I wanted to, Nick, but I just couldn’t.”

“Do you expect me to believe this fairy tale?”

“Nick,
I
didn’t believe it at first. Imagine what it was like to find out this homeless person was the brother I hadn’t seen in twenty years! I know it sounds bizarre, but it’s true.”

He stared at her, then said, “Okay, fine. It’s true.” He got off the bed and roughly pulled on his jeans. “Is that what all this was about?”

Maddy was up on her knees. “What? What are you talking about?”

“This!” His arm made a sweeping gesture that took in the rumpled bed. “Did you figure, ‘if I give him head, he’ll cut me some slack’?”

“Don’t talk crazy, Nick. I told you – I wanted to tell you right away, but Danny wouldn’t let me.”

“He wouldn’t
let you
?”

“Why are you so mad? I thought this would make you feel better about him.”

“Feel better?” Nick snorted. “About you lying to me?”

Maddy got off the bed. “No, Nick. About what you imagined was going on between us.” She stood in front of him. “I hated lying to you. But I felt trapped.”

“So what changed, Maddy? You develop a conscience?”

“Jesus, Nick! Will you listen to me? I love you, but I love my brother, too. What was I supposed to do? What would you have done?”

“How long were you gonna let it go on?”

“I wasn’t. I couldn’t take it anymore.” He turned away from her to stare out the window, and she grabbed his arm. “Don’t do this, Nick. Put yourself in my place. Think about it for a while. Then tell me you wouldn’t have done the same thing.”

“I trusted you, Maddy. I started out trusting him, too.” Nick pictured Phil Madvick laughing at his fits of jealousy, and his anger rose to new heights. “I’ve gotta get out of here.”

“Nick, please don’t go.” She followed him to the door. “Let’s talk about this.”

“Later. Right now I need some space.”

Without a backward glance, he slammed the door shut.

Maddy listened to his heavy footsteps grow fainter. Her breaths came shallow, as she tried to comprehend what had just happened. She turned to stare at the bed, where not fifteen minutes before, life had been perfect.

“It’ll be all right,” she whispered to herself. “He’ll understand, and he’ll come back. And everything will be good again.”

Maddy sat on the edge of the overstuffed armchair to wait.

Nick entered the hotel’s miniscule pub, slapped a five on the oak bar, and asked for whatever was on tap. He took the ale to a table in a far corner and sat heavily. As he drank, Nick distractedly watched the young bartender and wondered what ever happened to the older, wiser, men who used to dispense advice along with liquor. This guy didn’t look old enough to drink beer, let alone serve it. And if he’d ever had trouble with a woman, it was probably his mother.

At this point Nick didn’t know what had set him off more: Maddy’s lie, or Phil’s. The only thing he was sure of was he was pissed to the nth degree and wanted someone to tell him what to do about it.

Nick drained his glass. His nervous energy in full force, he left the Penny Farthing and went outside to clear his head. He was on his second lap of the grounds when a familiar voice penetrated the dark fog that had clouded his brain. He looked up and saw Mary Delfino sitting on a bench under an arbor.

“Hey.” Nick dropped down next to her. “I thought you were resting. Are you okay?”

“My mind is too full. I thought I’d come out for some fresh air.”

“Are you sure? ‘Cause you look a little pale.”

Mary had watched Nick stride past her on his first trip around the gardens. She recognized the edgy gait, and knew Maddy had told him her secret. “I’ll be all right,” she said. “What about you?”

A gusher of angry words spewed out of him, and then he finally said, “What the hell am I supposed to feel at this point?”

Mary was about to open her mouth when she caught sight of Maddy rapidly coming towards them.

“Mary! God, you scared the hell out of me. I knocked on your door and there was no answer…You were supposed to be resting!”

Mary didn’t fail to notice Maddy pointedly ignoring Nick. “The two of you are impossible,” she said, her own fear and ire getting the best of her. “It’s obvious to me, I’m not the one who needs looking after.” Mary rose to her full height. “Sit!” she ordered, and when Maddy had complied, said, “I already know the answer, but for everyone’s edification, why were you knocking on my door?”

“I wanted to talk to you about – something.”

“You wanted to talk to me about your argument with Nick.” Mary addressed them both. “Your ages tell me the two of you are adults, but you’re acting like children. This has got to stop! You can’t come running to me every time something goes wrong in your lives. What will you do when I’m gone?”

Maddy studiously smoothed a wrinkle in her skirt, while Nick gazed out across the lawn, chewing on his inner lip.

“I’m not going to hand down a judgment on who’s right or wrong in this situation. You’re going to have to dig deep and find the rational adults hiding inside you, and work it out yourselves. When you’re finished, you can find me in the dining room having a cup of tea.”

Mary walked away, her spine ramrod straight, her insides roiling at one of the hardest things she’d ever had to do. But she had no choice. Not only because Maddy and Nick needed to wean themselves from her. That was the least of it. What Mary Delfino understood at the moment she “saw” Phil Madvick’s part in this drama was that she had no control. He was the catalyst. Any transformation would come because of him. She could only pray the reaction would be constructive, and not something that would blow apart the fragile chemistry that had begun to crystallize.

The embarassed silence left in Mary’s wake became more awkward with each second. Nick kept his eyes on the expanse of grass in front of him. Maddy wanted to burrow underneath it.

“Well,” Nick finally said. “I don’t know about you, but I feel like I should be sitting in a corner somewhere thinking about what I did wrong.”

“She was probably right,” Maddy said.

“Don’t ya just hate that?”

They both sat quietly for a few seconds, then Maddy said, “You have to admit, you overreacted just a little.”

The calm after the storm didn’t last long.

Nick turned to Maddy. “Excuse me?”

“Well, didn’t you?”

He leapt off the bench and stood over her. “Who lied to who, Maddy? You made me look stupid. I don’t know anyone who thinks that’s a hell of a lot of fun.”

“Why can’t you see my side of this?”

Nick waited for a strolling couple to amble by, his frustration rising with each passing moment. In a voice lowered, but no less irate, he said, “’Cause right now all I can see is the fact you lied. It’s a matter of trust.”

“But I told you the truth.”

“Yeah, eventually. And only because he said it was okay.”

“
He
is my brother! I’ve had to deal with losing him my whole adult life, and this is my chance to get some of what I lost back. Can’t you understand that?”

Nick looked away and took a deep breath. Running a hand through his hair, he exhaled loudly then turned back to Maddy. “Look. We’re getting nowhere with this right now.”

“Then we agree on something.”

“And do we agree this isn’t the time or place, too?”

Maddy nodded. “I didn’t think this would be the result. So, yeah, I agree. It’s Mary’s birthday, and I don’t want to upset her anymore.”

“Then let’s call a truce.” Nick held his hand out to help her up. She hesitated just an instant before slipping her hand into his.

But as Nick and Maddy walked to the hotel’s entrance they didn’t touch. And as they joined Mary at her table on the veranda, a thin wall of reserve had come between them.

Journal En
try

August 8

I can’t say our first trip together was a huge success. I guess we’re equally to blame. The argument Nick and I had took me completely by surprise. The outcome of my telling him about Danny was so far-removed from what I expected, I’m still having trouble with it.

When we went back to our room, all the small-talk we’d done at dinner fell away, leaving us with two choices: T.V. or sleep. We mutually agreed on sleep, but getting into bed with all the garbage between us felt so wrong. And so familiar.

We both knew it. Hell, we’d both lived it. But we did it anyway, which was a mistake. Thankfully, we both knew
that
, too, because sometime in the middle of the night we woke up and did a little talking.

I’d had to go to the bathroom. I didn’t want to wake Nick and tried to be as quiet as I could, but when I rolled over I made some kind of noise. All my muscles were cramped up. It was something I hadn’t experienced in months – actually, not since I’d slept with Ted – and I’d forgotten what getting out of bed used to feel like.

I lived with tension for so long I didn’t know any other way. It wasn’t until after we’d broken up that I realized it was possible to get up in the morning and not feel ninety years old. Every morning we were together I used to stand under a hot shower, twisting my neck, stretching my back, trying to get my shoulders to relax. I never thought I’d feel that way again, and it was a real shock when I did.

I knew I needed to talk with Nick, and was going to wake him up when I came out of the bathroom, but I guess he was having trouble sleeping, too. He was already up, sitting at the edge of the bed. When I sat next to him, he took my hand and said, “This wasn’t the plan, was it.”

I said, “No, but when does anything go the way it’s supposed to?”

“How was it supposed to go?” he asked.

“I tell you Phil is my brother. You say, ‘that’s wonderful you found him, Maddy, and I don’t have to be jealous anymore.’ And I say, I love you, Nick. You never had anything to be jealous about. And then we have an incredibly romantic evening in this incredibly romantic room.”

He didn’t say anything to that, so I finally said, “I’m sorry I violated your trust, Nick. I know you don’t understand why I did it. If I tell you a little about what Danny’s been through, maybe you will.”

So I told him what happened when Danny tried to find me, and ran across Ted instead.

Nick cut me off, saying, “You know I wouldn’t have done the same thing.”

I agreed, but tried to make him understand that Danny wouldn’t have. Then I gave him a short version of the confrontation between Danny and Dad. He listened without comment, and when I was done, said, “You have a point about one thing. If it’d been me – if it’d been my sister who’d gone through all that – I might’ve lied to protect her. The only difference is, I would’ve told the one person I trust about it.”

“In other words,” I said, “you would’ve told Mary. But not me.”

“That’s not fair, Maddy. You lied to me from the start.”

That really bothered me. And even though I was trying to smooth things over, I couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of my voice when I said, “So did you. Who were
you
protecting?”

He was quiet for a second then he said, “So, we’re back where we started.”

“No, we’re not. We’ve told each other everything, now. Can’t we start here?”

“What do you want from me, Maddy?”

“I want you to be happy for me. I want you to say you’ll try to accept Danny as part of me and my life –
our
life.”

“I can try to be happy for you. But the second thing is gonna take some time.” Then he said, “Y’know, you’re putting a lot of trust in someone you don’t really know, and that bothers me.”

I said, “Why wouldn’t I trust him? He’s my brother, and I love him.”

“I think you’re in love with the concept of a brother.”

I told him I thought that was a shitty thing to say, and he kinda groaned and flopped back on the bed and covered his face with his hands. Then he said, “Look, Maddy – I’m just saying people change. Things happen.” He took my hand again and made me look at him, and I could tell he meant it when he said, “One of the things I love about you is your imagination. You’ve got this vision of the perfect family, and that’s great. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I don’t want you to get hurt. And you know, the same as me, that the people closest to us are the ones who can cause the most pain.”

I said, “So, what do you want from
me
, Nick?”

“I want you to be honest with yourself. He’s a pig in a poke, Maddy. Just like I was, at first. Give it time. Stand back a little. Get to know him before you share your whole world with him.”

“I did that with you, didn’t I,” I said.

“Yeah, you did.”

“I never meant to make you feel stupid,” I said.

“I know,” he said. “Don’t keep secrets from me, Maddy. They’re an unfair advantage.”

We went back to bed. He kissed me this time. Held me, too. But I think the wound is still a little too fresh for both of us. It occurs to me I never did tell Nick that Danny is gay, but I don’t think that has any relevance anymore. That’s Danny’s business.

But Danny, as my brother, affected us all.

I slept better knowing we can talk about things. Even if they aren’t resolved, at least they’ve been said with a level of honesty I’ve never had with anyone else. And as bad as the past couple of days have been, they can’t compare to what I used to consider the best times with Ted. I certainly could’ve used some kind of reality check back then. Why did I ever think it was okay to be bullied? Why did I let myself be afraid to have a feeling that was my own?

Chapt
er Forty

Nick perched on the edge of the burgundy leather Chesterfield sofa, elbows on knees, a cup – porcelain, not paper – clutched in both hands. He stared down at the oriental rug under his feet, following the intricate pattern, as he waited.

The law office of Alexander A. Michaels, Esquire was decorated in the understated style reserved for men’s clubs. It was all dark, polished wood and leather. Useless lamps with green and amber shades spilled small pools of light, making it impossible to read. The slats on the oak blinds covering the only window were open just enough to lay pale yellow stripes of sunlight across the wool carpet. A refractive lamp hung above the receptionist’s desk, spotlighting the young brunette as if she were an actress in an English drawing-room play.

Nick took another sip of coffee. His right knee began a nervous bounce in counterpoint to the soft classical music wafting from a hidden speaker. He checked his watch, even though a grandfather clock against the far wall ticked off the seconds. He’d been early, but now it was ten minutes past the appointed time, and Nick sighed.

“How much longer?” His voice boomed in the hushed office.

The receptionist – Jenny, according to the necklace she wore – looked up from her magazine, almost as if surprised to see another person in the room, and then the telephone on her desk buzzed.

“He’ll see you now,” she said, and went back to methodically flipping the pages of the latest issue of
Vogue
.

Nick left the cup on her desk as he walked past, and slid open the pocket door to the inner office.

Alec Michaels was already on his feet and coming around the antique desk, hand outstretched. “Nick! It’s been a while. How’ve you been?”

“Better since the last time you saw me,” he said, shaking Michaels’ hand.

“Have a seat.” Alec leaned against his desk. “So, what can I do for you?”

“I want to talk about full custody.”

The lawyer didn’t betray his surprise, but merely crossed his arms and said, “Okay, let’s talk about it. You still living down on Salmon Beach?”

Nick nodded.

“Still clean?”

“I haven’t taken anything stronger than aspirin for sixteen months.”

“That’s good.” Michaels pushed himself upright and, as he made his way back behind the desk, asked, “Have any future career plans?” He dropped into the leather swivel chair. “In baseball, for instance?”

“I’ve been thinking about it. Coaching, maybe. In the Minors.”

Alec reached for a pen and scribbled something on a pad, saying, “So, basically, you’re looking at being on the road April through September.”

“About eighty days, actually,” Nick corrected.

“Any chance you could do something else?”

Nick knew where Michaels was going, but he shrugged and said, “I don’t know anything else.”

“Look, Nick – I know you love your daughter. And I know how you feel about your ex-wife. But you’ve got to think like a judge, because he or she is going to do what’s best for Becky.” He leaned back, holding the pen up between both hands. “I’m going to be straight with you. There’s no way any judge is going to grant you full custody. As a single dad, the odds are already a million to one. That number’s going to double if you add a job that takes you out of town half the year.”

“Eighty days, Alec.”

The lawyer nodded his understanding.

“What if I remarry?” Nick said.

“Even if that were a real possibility…Is it?” Robinson’s eyebrows went up with the question.

“There’s someone in my life,” Nick replied.

The lawyer waved the pen, and went on. “Even so, there’s no guarantee. I don’t want to see you wasting your money.”

“I don’t care about the money.”

Michaels hunched forward, elbows on the blotter, and said, “Come on, Nick. Let’s be realistic.”

“What about joint custody, then? Shit, Alec! There must be something I can do.”

“There’s a lot to consider, even with joint custody, Nick. Would you be willing to move to…” He consulted the open file folder. “…Bellevue? Do you really want to put Becky through the schizophrenic existence of ‘one week at Mommy’s and one week at Daddy’s?’ A judge is going to say she needs stability. Consistency. If you get a job coaching, what happens then?”

Frustrated beyond belief, Nick dug the heels of his hands into his eyes, and swore. When he looked over at his attorney, he said, “Why the hell does that bitch get everything?
She
cheated on
me
, for Christ’s sake!”

Alec sympathetically regarded Nick, and quietly stated, “Because she’s the mother. I know it’s unfair, Nick, but that’s the way the courts work.”

“Screw the courts!”

The corners of Michaels’ mouth went up. “You wouldn’t be the first person to express that sentiment, believe me.”

“So what do I do?” Nick asked.

“Why don’t we figure out what would satisfy you,
and
the court?”

It was 3:10 when Nick drove out of downtown Seattle and onto I-5 south. It was now 3:30 and he’d gone approximately one mile, as he, and half the employees of Boeing, fought their way home.

A red Jeep cut in front of him and Nick irritably downshifted into first yet again, thinking, the next car that did that would be wearing his truck’s front bumper as a souvenir. He turned up the radio, hoping it would overpower the roar of the traffic, and swore his next vehicle would have air-conditioning, as the dust, fumes, and heat adhered to his skin and clothes.

Nick had gone into the meeting with Alec Michaels full of optimism. The reality of his situation had been sobering. God, what a Pollyanna he’d been. What they’d ended up with was nowhere near what he wanted.

If
he got a job that kept him in one place, and
if
he stayed in Washington, then
maybe
they’d be able to get a judge to add whole summers to Becky’s bi-monthly visits.

“But I wouldn’t put that in the bank,” Alec had said.

The sea of cars crawled up Southcenter hill and Nick checked the clock again. At this rate he wouldn’t get home until 4:30 or 5:00 – the time he’d promised Maddy he’d be at her place – and he still had to shower off the smell of rush-hour and disappointment. Had to put on a game-face for the party she was throwing. The party he was supposed to start the barbecue for; the party to celebrate the family she now had.

He didn’t tell Maddy about the meeting with Michaels, hoping mightily he’d be able to surprise her with something to add to the celebration. Now, he didn’t have jack-shit, and Nick knew he – and the guests – would probably be a lot better off if he went straight to his house and stayed there, keeping his very crappy mood to himself.

Nick grimaced at the thought of small-talk, smiling, and – most of all – pretending he was happy about Phil Madvick invading her life. Okay, make that
their
lives. But he’d do it for Maddy. Right now, he’d do just about anything for Maddy.

The first couple of days back from Victoria they’d both been edgy, and not a single eggshell was crushed, or even cracked, as they tiptoed around each other. Maddy made the first move to bridge the small trench they’d managed to dig between themselves. She’d come right out and said, “I want you to understand you mean just as much to me as Danny does. And I’m sorry for every minute that went by I didn’t tell you about him.” It was only a matter of hours before Nick saw the parallel between her brother and his daughter. He cared for Maddy as much as he cared for Becky – just in a different way. And he’d gone to her later that night and told her that.

It had worked for them both. The unease fell away. They started talking, and didn’t stop until two in the morning, at which time they went to bed and every cell in his body homed in on Maddy. It had been like nuclear fusion. It was something he never could have imagined.

He’d called Alec Michaels that afternoon, certain nothing could stand in his way again. He’d been feeling invincible for the last five days, and Nick sighed deeply, remembering.

When he came back to the present, Nick saw the traffic had thinned, and he’d just passed the Weyerhaeuser exit. He was a little surprised to see he was moving along at nearly 60 m.p.h. He didn’t remember shifting out of second, let alone into fourth, and he straightened up in the seat just in time to realize he was looking at wall-to-wall brake lights maybe half a mile ahead.

“Shit!” He slammed his foot down on the brake pedal. His tires squealed on the hot asphalt. The acrid smell of burning rubber assaulted his nostrils. And as his eyes flickered to the rear-view mirror, fear made the skin on his arms and scalp crawl. But the delivery van came to a stop what looked like a couple of inches from his back bumper, and Nick said a prayer of thanks that the man hadn’t been daydreaming about
his
last sexual encounter, too.

I-5 had now turned into the largest used-car lot in the Northwest. They didn’t move for the next twenty minutes, and in that time Nick watched Maddy’s vision of their first plunge into domesticity go down the toilet. She’d wanted to do this thing together, and he’d been fine with that. And the only thing she’d asked him to do was be there an hour early, and to man the grill. It had seemed like a reasonable request at the time.

Nick tuned in the local all-news station and impatiently waited for the traffic report. Happy to hear the overturned semi hadn’t caused any serious injuries, selfish frustration attacked Nick as he listened to how long it would take to clean up the full load of bagged fertilizer that had been spread across four lanes.

“Oh, that’s fucking perfect,” he said to the announcer.

Ten minutes later they were, what you might call, moving. The stop-and-crawl road rally got him within a mile of the nearest exit, and Nick decided to go for it. He flipped his blinker up and nosed his way into the right-hand lane, grateful for the fact he only had one lane to cross, and to the woman in the Acura who waved him in.

Riding the shoulder, Nick got off in Federal Way and took the back roads the rest of the way home.

Chapter
Forty-One

Maddy posted the
Come On In
sign on the front door, then looked over at Nick’s place before going back inside.

“Do you want me to start the charcoal?” Danny stood on the threshold of the deck, holding a can of lighter fluid.

“No, let’s wait for everyone to get here.”

Danny knew what she meant was, let’s wait for Nick, and he watched his sister nervously rearrange the already-perfect vegetable platter.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” he said.

“I’m not.”

She carried the plate outside. Aggravation had turned to worry an hour ago. She tried not to imagine what could have happened to him.

The front door opened and closed, and Maddy quickly stepped into the house, but the voices that greeted her were female.

Rita Anders gave Maddy a hug, and said, “I still can’t believe he’s your brother!”

“It’s definitely a story worth a full hour on
Oprah
.” Susan took a jar of homemade raspberry jam out of a plastic bag and set it on the kitchen counter. “Where’s Nick? I’ve got the classifieds from yesterday’s
Times
for him.”

Maddy smiled, puzzled. “Classifieds?” The door opened again and the Nelsens stepped in. She hid her disappointment, waved, and turned back to Susan Logan, who was saying, “Yeah, he asked me to save them. Don’t know why.”

“Huh. Well, he’s not here yet, but Danny’s outside.” Maddy took the bag from Susan.

Rita followed her partner to the French doors and, over her shoulder, said, “I don’t know how I’m gonna get used to calling him Danny.”

Maddy didn’t hesitate when she said, “Then keep calling him Phil. I think he wants it that way.”

The noise level on the deck grew with each new arrival, as did Maddy’s unease. Conversations flowed around her as she flitted from group to group playing hostess. But no one needed her attention. The party had taken on a life of its own.

Mary Delfino found her in the kitchen studying the main course, a very large salmon.

“Are you waiting for it to speak?”

Maddy looked up. “I can’t decide what to do.”

“About what, dear?”

“Should I start the barbecue? Should I wait?” She pushed away from the counter. “Where
is
he?”

Mary could hear the tears in Maddy’s voice, and they were working their way up to her eyes. To keep them from rising further, Mary said, “I’m ravenous, and I’m sure I’m in the majority. I’ll find someone to light the charcoal.” She started walking toward the French doors, and out of the corner of her eye saw the front door open. “And stop worrying about Nick, Madeleine. He’ll be here any minute.”

“What makes you so sure?”

Mary tried to keep from smiling. “A very strong hunch.” She stepped out onto the deck and disappeared into the crowd just as Nick reached the end of the hallway.

“You’re wasting your time worrying about me.” The look of relief on her face sloughed off some of the day’s misery, and he let her arms take him in. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

“Where’ve you been? Are you okay?”

“I’ll survive.”

Maddy could feel his weariness and she looked up at him. “What’s the matter? What happened?”

“I think I’ll feel like talking about it after a couple – or five – beers.” He pressed his lips on her forehead and glanced outside. “Besides, you may have a bigger problem.” He almost smiled when he said, “Sparky’s heading toward the grill with a can of lighter fluid, and no one’s noticed yet.” Nick pulled away from her. “I’d better get out there. Jaed may be underinsured.”