A Royal Mess

A Royal
Mess

INCLUDES
DUELING PRINCES
AND
DUMPING PRINCES

TYNE O’CONNELL

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

DUELING PRINCES

ONE Doing the KR with My Posse

TWO ’Rental Meltdown

THREE The Fascism of Creative Endeavours

FOUR Bell End Goes Double Bonkers!

FIVE My Knickers Were in a Right Twist

SIX Be Warned! Life’s NOT All Nicey-Nicey

SEVEN My Tragic Fan Club

EIGHT She Who Would Valiant Be

NINE Even Toxic Psycho Toffs Can Talk Sense, Occasionally

TEN Royal Collision in Windsor

ELEVEN The Risk of Taking Your Soft Toys Too Seriously

TWELVE Scaling the Battlements of Eades

THIRTEEN You’ve Got to Know When to Neck It and Know When to Leg It

FOURTEEN Matron’s Remedy for Hiccups

FIFTEEN The Quality of Mercy Is Not Strained – It’s Drained

SIXTEEN The Extreme Trauma of Privilege

SEVENTEEN Bell End’s Sacred Sabre

EIGHTEEN The Return of Octavia

NINETEEN It’s Your Love Life or Your Life!

TWENTY Saint Augustine’s Fencing Army Engages the Enemy

TWENTY-ONE Pulling Princes

TWENTY-TWO Sarah’s Car of Shame

TWENTY-THREE The Clapham Commoners

TWENTY-FOUR Bob’s Big Bombshell

TWENTY-FIVE Bob at Bay

TWENTY-SIX And Just as They Were Bringing in My Crown!

Acknowledgements

DUMPING PRINCES

ONE Sound the Alert! Americans Are Storming the Castle!

TWO The Collision of Parental Culture Shock

THREE The Most Spectacular Fib

FOUR Witness to Madness

FIVE H to the O to the N to the E to the Y

SIX Bohemian Rhapsody in the Dorm

SEVEN Operation Dumping Boys

EIGHT In Defence of the Realm

NINE Enterprising Initiatives

TEN Peace, Love and Buddhist Security

ELEVEN Not Fair Was Made to Fare

TWELVE Buddhist Security Alert

THIRTEEN The Sword of Damocles

FOURTEEN When Good Fantasies Go Bad

FIFTEEN Pi-Squared Shockarama

SIXTEEN Bonkeratus, Bonkeratum, Bonkerama

SEVENTEEN The Mechanics of The Counter Dump

EIGHTEEN It Was All Très, Très, Très Befuddling

NINETEEN Snoozely Woozely Does It

TWENTY My Style Statement Depended on the Whims of a Psycho Toff

TWENTY-ONE Lights-Camera-Action, Your Majesty

TWENTY-TWO When Good Plans Go Bad

TWENTY-THREE The Drowning Dreams of a Teenage Egoist

TWENTY-FOUR A Severe Attack of the Mea Culpas

TWENTY-FIVE Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

TWENTY-SIX The Insubordination of The Commodore

TWENTY-SEVEN Discothèque Pazzo

TWENTY-EIGHT Developing My Aptitude in Matters of La Dolce Vita

TWENTY-NINE The City of Amore and Melodramas!

THIRTY He Made It Seem Like the Most Sensible Thing in the World…

THIRTY-ONE The End of the Beginning and the Beginning of the End

THIRTY-TWO The Italian Duckling Job

THIRTY-THREE Aren’t the Maddest Ideas Always the Best?

THIRTY-FOUR You’re No One Until Someone Wants to Sell Stories about You to the Press

THIRTY-FIVE In Each Letter, a Heart Beats

THIRTY-SIX Pulling the Past in Pullers’ Woods

Calypso’s fencing terms and English words

Acknowledgements

Author’s Note

Imprint

Dueling Princes

To my daughter and muse, Her Royal Stunningness, Cordelia O’Connell, and my son, the most distressingly fit boy to ever wield a sabre, Zad Santospirito. I kiss my blade and salute you both.

Dumping Princes

To my muses, Her Royal Magnifiqueness, the stylish Cordelia O’Connell, and my worshipfully clever Santospirito sons, Zad and Kajj, who brought Italy and Windsor to life for me.

DUELING PRINCES

• • •

If I were the only girl in the world, and you were the only prince … (ribbit)!