A Regency Christmas Pact Collection (51 page)

“Tomorrow,” she agreed and forced herself to go into her room and shut the door. After undressing, she settled into the fluffy covers to try to sleep. Her thoughts kept returning to Nick. He was the most honest man she’d ever met. The care and sensitivity he’d shown her in the past several days was like a salve on her wounded soul, yet would she feel the same way about him when they were undressed, flesh to flesh, and he wanted to truly make her his? Could she stand to lie with him? She just wasn’t sure, and the doubt took away a little of her happiness.

The next morning Nick sat in his office trying to think about his estate and not Lillian when his butler knocked and announced Drew. Nick set down his quill as Drew strolled in, plopped into the chair opposite Nick’s desk and gave Nick a puzzled look.

Nick leaned back with a sigh. “I assume you’ve something to say to me or you wouldn’t be at my house at eleven in the morning instead of home with your wife.”

“Perceptive as always, cousin.” Drew tapped his fingers on his knee for a moment before speaking. “If you married the Lancaster chit out of convenience why did you make her stay the night with you last night?”

Nick felt his jaw drop open. “I did no such thing. Besides, how did you know Lillian stayed here?”

“Charlotte made me go to the theatre this morning to see if your wife cared to come for tea. Her seamstress informed me, with a severe frown, that you’d forced her poor mistress to stay at your home. Seems the woman knows that the two of you are married―only in name.”

Nick leaned forward, his right eye twitching with irritation. “Not that it’s any concern of yours, but I asked Lillian to stay so I could teach her to dance. Nothing else.” Drew didn’t need to know about the kiss.

Drew’s smug smile grew wider. “Is this part of your grand plan to never love your wife?”

Nick wanted to put his fist through his cousin’s arrogant face. “Yes.”

Drew guffawed. “You need to seriously reconsider your plan. At the rate you’re going, doing all these little nice things for her, the woman will be in your blood whether you like it or not.”

Nick stiffened. He’d lain in bed, thinking the exact same thing. She’d enjoyed his kiss and said she’d wanted to try another today, but he couldn’t allow his guard to lower with her again. He may never get it back up, if he did. He stood and motioned to the door. “You can go. I appreciate your concern, but Lillian is leaving this morning.”

“That’s a bad idea. If you send her to her home people will talk. I meant to discuss that with you yesterday but never got the chance. Since she’s already here, if you want the wedding to appear genuine, and none of the gossips to assume the worst about her, I’d have her stay with you at least a week.”

“A week?” Nick’s pulse jerked. The damned thing was it was excitement, not concern. It should be concern. He’d never be able to resist Lillian if she was in his house for an entire week. “Do you really think the gossip mongers would assume there was something wrong with her?”

Drew stood. “Of course they will. Remember Lord Sothby’s wife?”

Nick recalled her moving out of her husband’s home the day after their marriage. The woman had been shunned from society. It didn’t matter that Lord Sothby was whispered to have gone quite mad and kicked her out after accusing her of trying to kill him. She was the woman and therefore the one who was to blame. Nick gritted his teeth. He’d not considered what it might look like if Lillian left. She had to stay for her sake, at least until enough time passed that people would assume they’d simply tired of each other. He would acquire a lovely townhome for her when the time came for her to depart. They would have to suffer each other, though after last night’s dance and kiss he knew very well being around Lillian was only intolerable because it made him want her that much more. What was he going to do?

“She’ll stay,” he muttered. “She’ll have to. I’ll simply avoid her.”

A wicked gleam appeared in Drew’s eyes. “Good luck with that.”

“Sod off,” Nick growled. “You can go home now.”

“I think I’ll stay and watch you try to ignore your wife.”

“Get the hell out,” Nick growled right as Lillian stepped through his study door.

Her face turned scarlet. “I guess goodbyes are not in order.”

Once Lillian begrudgingly accepted the need to live in his home at least a week, Nick set about avoiding her. He did exceptionally well the entire day but by dinner, he was a tight coil of suppressed needs. When she entered the dining room in a gown of emerald green cut low enough to make a concerned mother cry foul, Nick dropped his fork with a clatter and picked up his wine glass. He downed the contents with one long gulp. “
What
are you wearing?”

Color blossomed on Lillian’s cheeks and she lowered her gaze. Nick felt like an ass for causing her embarrassment.

She toyed with the rim of her wine glass, her gaze still down. “It seems Madame Marmont has a love for revealing dresses.” Lillian glanced up and the concern in her eyes twisted his gut. She leaned towards him. “I’m sorry. I tried on every dress Beatrice sent here from Madame Marmont and they’re all like this. Some are worse. I could put on one of my old dresses.”

“No.” The word was sharper than he intended. When she flinched in her seat, he winced. “I’m sorry. You’re just so beautiful. It makes it hard.”

“Hard for what?” She licked her upper lip which made it difficult for him to concentrate.

“To resist you. I―” He forced himself to stop talking. Thoughts pounded his skull like a hammer.
I want her. I like her. I need her.
“I wish to get to know you better,” he blurted.

Her spoon slipped from her fingers and clanked against her plate. “What for?”

What for, indeed
. Becoming better acquainted would mean time spent together and maybe the next kiss she wanted to try and then another and then
God help him
. He yanked on his suffocating neck cloth. “For appearances sake, of course. It wouldn’t do to appear as if I don’t even know my own wife.”
Liar.
He wasn’t sure of the total truth, but that was definitely not it. “It might be wise if we try to learn things about each other a husband or wife would know. We can approach it as friends.”

“Only as friends?” She licked her lips again.

Was she asking him for that next kiss without actually saying anything? He had a sudden vision of sweeping the dinnerware off the table and laying her naked against the wood to undress her and kiss her from head to toe. Jumping up, he nearly toppled his chair. “I think I’m done with diner.”

She quirked an eyebrow. “You’re not sure?”

He was positive he no longer wanted food. All he wanted was her. “Quite. Why don’t you join me in the study after you’ve finished. We can talk.” Once he had a moment alone, he would be better. More in control.

A moment was truly all he got. He’d no more than poured himself a drink and sat down when she came strolling into his study looking utterly disarming and charming with her hair arranged so that her long, slender kissable neck was revealed. His pulse pounded in his ears. “Why don’t you sit there?” He pointed to the settee, the farthest seat from him. The better to keep his hands off her.

Without questioning him, she sat. “What would you like to talk about?”

Good question. He needed a safe topic that could in no way make him want her more. “I know a bit about your father but I know nothing of your mother. I assume since you never speak of her that she’s dead.”

A tremulous smile flitted at the corners of her mouth before she sighed. “She is. She left when I was very young and for a long time I didn’t know if she was dead or alive. I used to dream she would come back for me and we would go away together.”

The naked hurt in her eyes twisted his gut. Driven by the need to soothe her, he rose and made his way to her. Once he was seated, he turned to her. “I imagine that’s very painful for you. My mother can be a thorn in my side, but I think I’d rather miss her if she was gone.”

Lillian shrugged. “I try not to pity myself.”

“Are you always so brave?”

“Brave?” She laughed. “No. But when you’ve seen what I’ve seen and lived as I’ve lived, you learn there are things much worse than a mother who abandons you. I’ve seen children beaten black and blue by their mothers. Children starved, sold, belittled and made to cower in fear at the very sight of the one person who was supposed to love them and protect them always.”

A pulsing knot formed in his throat. She was the child she was describing, yet it had been her father who had done many of those things to her. Lillian was brave and kind, and she’d already shown she had a generous heart. Damnation. Talking to her wasn’t supposed to make him want her more. Her goodness drew him to her like a starving man in need of sustenance.

Unable to help himself he held his hands in front of her. “May I touch you?”

She jerked her head in a nod. His sweet Lilly, so warm yet so afraid. He slipped his hands slowly up her arms and cupped her face. “Do you still want to try a kiss again?”

“Yes.” Her voice was a husky whisper.

With gentle care he pressed his lips to her warm soft ones. The kiss was the most provocative he’d ever experienced. He moved his lips over hers then pulled back to trace the soft fullness of her mouth with his tongue. She shuddered underneath his caresses. The desire to protect her and keep her with him forever took hold. As her lips parted for him and he entered her hot, moist mouth something intense flared through him.

He ended the kiss and pressed his cheek to her forehead. They sat for a moment, entwined in each other’s arms and panting. Gathering his will, he gently pushed her away and stood. If he didn’t go now he was going to beg her to stay. The fact that he shouldn’t, that he didn’t deem himself worthy of her was becoming less and less important every moment that he was with her. “It’s late.”

She rose and moved towards the door. Almost out in the hall she glanced at him, all rosy cheeked and sinfully disheveled. “Will I see you tomorrow or do you need to work?”

He should say no. Claiming to want to be her friend was preposterous. He wanted so much more. He longed to teach her all the things a loving parent would have or would have ensured a tutor or nanny did. “I’ll work early. Meet me at ten in my study.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said with a beaming smile that confirmed his worst fear. Lillian already had a place in his heart. The question was whether he was so selfish he’d give into his desire and try to win her, or whether he could let her walk away as he’d vowed.

On Friday Nick sat outside in the unusual warmth of the winter sun and waited for Lillian to come out. They were to paint today. He’d strategically planned this. They would be too busy painting to touch or even talk. If he could just stay strong today, he had a chance to keep to his vow to never fall in love with his wife.

He turned his face toward the sun and stared at the bright blue sky. The color reminded him of Lillian’s eyes. Then again, everything reminded him of Lillian. He was exhausted from trying to keep her from further capturing his affections. The more he pushed to harden his heart the softer it grew.

Tuesday had been a most enjoyable day cozied up in his library with her and a winter picnic of wine, bread and cheese. They’d sat pressed close on his settee while he tried not to notice how Lillian smelled like lilies and how warm and soft her skin was. Breathing deep had helped.

He’d entertained her with childhood stories and his family’s history while they ate. He smiled, thinking how she’d traced circles over the top of his hand the whole time he talked, though she’d clearly been unaware of the intimate way she touched him. Thank God, she’d not noticed just how much he wanted her.

Wednesday had been a little easier to resist her. They’d toured the portrait gallery, and he’d told Lillian the best kept family secret of how his grandfather won over the duchess to become his bride. Then he’d been called away for business, which probably explained why the day had been less difficult to resist his charming bride.

Thursday had been hell. The day had started with Lillian asking him about Amelia. He’d told her the whole sordid story, and she’d tried to convince him Amelia’s death wasn’t his fault. Then when he’d attempted to teach her how to fence he’d discovered Lillian had a deep aversion to swords. After a bit of coaxing he learned Derwent had sometimes used a sword to slash her clothing from her body. Nick wanted to kill Derwent. Yet Lillian’s admission further proved her bravery and his admiration grew.

When the iron gate to the garden creaked Nick opened his eyes and stood. Lillian strode toward him with her head held high. He struggled to ignore how happy he felt with her near. “Are you ready to paint?”

“I suppose. Please remember, I’ve never painted.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t criticize you.”

After a few basic instructions Lillian picked a simple object and worked for a bit in silence. Unable to resist stealing a glance at her easel, Nick suppressed his laughter. “That’s lovely.”

“Liar.” Amusement filled her voice. She looked up and smiled, the glow of her happiness warming him. Cocking her head, she said, “I hear the amusement in your tone.”

“I vow I’m not laughing at your, um, say…are those flowers or trees?” Paint pelted him on the cheek. Her wicked grin made him chuckle. “You’ll pay for that.” He flipped the edge of his brush. A dollop of green paint landed on her nose. Within minutes they lay in the grass laughing and covered with paint.

Their gazes locked and the truth slammed him in the chest. He wanted to make Lillian fall in love with him because damned if he wasn’t already in love with her. However much he didn’t deserve to be happy after the way he’d used Amelia, he wanted happiness with Lillian. He’d dedicate his life to bringing her joy, if only she would let him.

He prayed he wouldn’t regret what he was about to ask. “Stay with me, Lillian.”

She frowned. “I thought you said you had to work this afternoon.”

Nick sat up and drew her to him. When she didn’t pull away hope filled his chest. “I mean forever.” She tensed in his arms, but he forced himself to continue. Everything hinged on this moment. “I love you.”

Her wary look twisted his insides. He had to make her understand. “I’m sorry. I truly am. I know we had a bargain, but you’ve changed me. Meeting you has changed me. I’m a selfish ass. I want you. Every part of me loves you and I swear I’ll never do anything to hurt you.”

“Oh, Nick.” Tears glistened in her eyes. “Being with you has changed me too. You’re the best man I’ve ever known.”

“Then don’t go.” He didn’t give a damn that he was begging.

When she struggled out of his arms and stood, hollowness filled him.

Tears slid down her cheeks and left tracks in her paint-caked skin. “I think my heart is dead,” she choked out. “I’m scared.”

He surged to his feet and pulled her against his chest. “I’m scared too. Together, we’ll be brave.”

She shoved away while shaking her head. “I can’t think with you near. I need some time.”

He struggled to control his pleased grin. “Take as much time as you need. I won’t bother you at all for the rest of today or all day tomorrow until the evening. I have a surprise for you, so I’ll need to see you at seven.”

Lillian glared. “I’m afraid I’m going to disappoint you, and I hate that. Damn you.” With those words, she turned on her heel and disappeared through the iron gate and into the house.

Nick grinned. It didn’t matter that she was angry. What was really important was that she didn’t want to fail him. It was a small step in the right direction. If she truly had a dead heart as she claimed, she wouldn’t care at all how she made him feel.