A Reason To Stay (16 page)

“I just wondered. That’s all.”

“Hey, want to come over like old times, till night time and you know she’s asleep?”

She couldn’t fault him for trying, but one night and narrow escape was all she was could endure. “No, I’m going to hang out with myself tonight. I want to get some rest for tomorrow. Thanks for taking me, Ben.”

“I’d do anything for you, Elise.”

“I know. Goodnight.”

She turned her face in the pillow and screamed. Why did her mother hate her so much? And she did it so well. With a smiling face and five states between them, who could detect the neglect she reserved for her daughter? Not Reverend Michaels. Lyla assured him every Sunday what close tabs she kept on her daughter. Not Frank, her newest shag partner. She must have lied to him and said Elise was in the Peace Corps and never made it home twice in the same decade. And as for Melanie, it was easy to say that Elise wouldn’t return her calls. Was it necessary to see if it was the truth?

Elise dressed and went downstairs and turned the television on. She ate a bowl of cereal and watched reruns of “Seinfeld.” It was seven o’clock when Melanie came in with the kids.

“Do you feel better?” she asked her sister, while putting all the backpacks down by the hall closet.

“I do, thanks. How was dinner?” She got up to rinse the bowl that had sat for the last two hours beside her.

“It was okay. Frank brought over dessert and then we left and came home.”

Elise turned off the water and gave Mason and Faith a kiss on their heads. Both of them had been loitering around their aunt, waiting for acknowledgement. “How long has she been dating Frank?”

Melanie came into the kitchen and stacked the kids’ lunch boxes on the counter. “Oh, I guess about eight months. Maybe nine. It hasn’t been a year yet. She doesn’t think that I know he stays over. I have no idea why she’s so secretive about him. I could care less. Didn’t she mention him to you?”

“Mom and I don’t talk that often. You’ve always been the favorite.” Her smile hurt when she tried it on after that declaration.

“What? If that’s true, it’s only because you moved so far away.” Melanie picked up a few toys from the floor and handed them to Mason. “Put these away and stop picking on your sister.”

“Melanie, she picked my destination. She said colleges were the best on the West Coast. Yet, she never visited me. Not once. Don’t you think that’s a little weird?”

“Mom doesn’t like to fly.” She dismissed Elise’s observation as being anything out of the ordinary. “Go upstairs and get ready for your showers.” Melanie snapped her fingers at the little boy and girl who were seeing who could push the other the hardest. “I mean it, you two. I’m tired and it’s almost your bedtime.”

Elise followed Melanie around while she put the kids’ things away and prepared for the next morning. “Melanie, she never really invited me back after I graduated.”

“They don’t have jobs around here for computer programmers, Elise. I think you’re imagining something that’s not there.”

“Fine. Maybe you’re right.” Ignorance was bliss.

“So, what did you do today? I tried to call you this morning to see if you wanted to hang out.”

“I didn’t get a missed call. I’m sorry. I just went for a horseback ride and then to McDonald’s for lunch.” She doused a little more water on her day’s activities to make it sound pathetically innocent.

“Oh. Well, I’m going up to get them ready for bed. I have to turn in early, too. I have to be at work first thing. I’m dropping the kids and meeting Ben to change cars while mine is being worked on. Do you plan to hang out with Mom?” She grabbed the stair’s banister, waiting for her sister’s response.

“I’m not sure. I think Mom is fine to take care of herself. I might return back home a little earlier than Sunday. I have a lot to do before Monday morning.”

Melanie stopped mid-way up the stairs and turned around. “Elise, don’t go back early. I was hoping to go out one night with you and Jacob. You all haven’t seen each other since high school. Please reconsider. The church social is Saturday night. And I know for a fact that Ben is going stag.”

“Why would I be concerned if he was going?” She could feel herself frowning, and imagining the grooves that were forming made her deliberately relax her face.

Melanie began climbing the stairs again. “Oh, it’s just that I heard a little birdie say they saw you together and it looked like old times with y’all.”

“Well, it wasn’t.” Elise shouted to her sister, who was now out of earshot. Who saw them together and who was spreading rumors?

Elise returned back to the sofa and settled back into the worn cushions. The television had on some silly sitcom. The volume was still audible, but Elise’s thoughts were louder as she played out scenarios of the next day in her head.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

In the Blink of an Eye

After a restless night’s sleep, Elise awoke to Melanie yelling for the kids to get to the front door to leave. She stumbled out of her room and said good-bye from upstairs. They screamed back to her.

“Bye, Aunt Elise,” said Mason and Faith in unison.

“Bye, Elise. Have a good day. I’ll get the kids. I’m making dinner at home. Mom is on her own tonight.”

“Sounds good.”

The door shut and the house was quiet once more. She went downstairs with the thought of no coffee in the forefront of her brain. It wasn’t so difficult knowing the disappointment from the beginning. That was how her life was turning out, so far. She knew the outcome of every relationship, every program she designed, and every day’s weather with the sneak peak of the forecast. Elise didn’t like surprises. Unfortunately, there was no Google search engine to forecast the meeting of her father.

She had no appetite for breakfast, but made herself eat a piece of buttered toast anyway. Clothing was the next thing to decide. She didn’t manage to pack any ‘meet your dad’ clothing. Suppressing her excitement was something else for her to manage. When she got past the questions of why he never located her, the meeting part of him was overwhelming. How could she strike out with
both
of her parents? He couldn’t be any worse than her mother. Or could he? Maybe it’s a good thing she hadn’t procreated. With the lineage of dysfunction she had to offer, the kid would never get out of therapy.

Elise decided on a pair of jeans and a favorite linen blouse from Anthropology. It was white and flowing, with navy blue embroidery at the bottom. It helped make her jeans look less casual. She wore her hair down, leaving it naturally curly but straightened her bangs. She took in a deep breath before putting on her lip gloss. The time was nine thirty and she decided to leave for Ben’s house. Her mother’s car started without fail.

Ben walked down off the porch as Elise pulled up to his house. He wore light colored jeans, a blue shirt that competed with the color of his eyes, and his white cowboy hat. A recipe that challenged Elise’s strongest determination to keep her jumping hormones calm, for the trip across the state line. She parked her car and got out.

“Wow, you look beautiful.” He stood still, sampling every inch of her with his eyes.

Elise blushed. “Thanks, Benny.” Strike one. It took her exactly five days to transform into ‘Benny talk.’ She scrunched her eyes from the misstep. Maybe he didn’t hear her.

No chance. His warm smile could have melted steel. “I loved it when you called me Benny.”

“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” She tried to move from his close proximity.

He took her by both arms. His cologne mingled with the fresh air. “Elise, it’s okay to get close to me. I don’t bite.”

“I know. It’s not who we are anymore. Let’s just go. Please.”

They walked over to Old Blue and he held her door open. Time traveled back twelve years to them dating. The indention of the center seat was less worn now. This time she stayed on her side. Ben jumped in and started it up. The smell of antiquity filled in the missing parts to her memories.

“It’s amazing this still runs and Melanie’s car can’t be trusted to drive you to the mailbox.”

He rubbed the dashboard. “I don’t get a chance that often to take it out. I’m looking forward to the trip. How about you?” He looked over at her before putting the truck in gear.

“Let’s just say that I counted a fair amount of sheep last night and by the nine hundredth, I gave up counting.” Makeup couldn’t disguise the anxiety on her face.

“Elise, it will be fine.” He hesitated, acting as though he wanted to touch her. She held firm to her position on the tenth percent of the long seat that stretched an ocean between them. “He’s your dad. Tell me some of the things that you remember about him.” He reversed out and waited to hear her story.

She hesitated at first, never talking about him before to anyone else. Then she had an instance come to mind. “I remember one morning the electric went out and we all overslept. Mom was pouring juice and stuffing food in my mouth. Dad came into the kitchen tying his tie while drinking from the juice carton. Mom yelled at him and he shot me a look that made me laugh. I believe he crossed his eyes or something. Anyway, he told me to go jump in the car and wait for him. I ran out the door with my backpack and lunchbox and waited for Dad at the end of the walk. Mom had Melanie on her hip and Dad busted through the door, running for the car. We were super late.”

Elise’s anxiety dropped as she recounted the next memory. “Then there was the time he accidentally stepped on the garden hose nozzle and it sprayed all over his head. I remember looking up and his glasses were dripping water. I held my hand over my mouth and waited for the tongue lashing for leaving it in the way from the night before. Instead, my dad just stood there laughing. He picked up the nozzle and gave me a quick spurt and declared that we now matched. My mother had a fit, and we ran to the car and hung out the windows the whole way to school, laughing our butts off.”

Elise looked out the window at the passing trees and horses in the fields. She didn’t realize how much she missed her dad. Every time there was an occasion and her friends’ dads would come around. Parents’ college weekends, graduations, weddings. Each time stung her as hard as the last. She never gave herself a chance to remember any of the good times together with her own dad. Just the fact that he had left her.

“He sounds like he was a fun dad.” Ben laid his hat in between them on the seat.

“Yes, he was. It seems like all the fun stopped when he moved out.”

“Did your parents fight a lot?”

“My mom seemed to always be angry for one reason or another. I don’t remember specifically why she was. But my dad always seemed to be the one to play with me and Melanie. Mom was too busy.”

Elise felt her phone shake and looked at it. ‘Baby, everything is going to be fine. No matter what happens today, know that I’m here for you. Please call me later. I’m only a plane ride away.’

Her stomach rolled as “
Cheater, Cheater, Cheater
” pounded through her head. Darren didn’t deserve the dark. It seemed that’s where Elise liked to keep all of her men. He wouldn’t have approved of her ex-boyfriend taking her to such an emotional reunion. No normal guy would. How had she made such a wrong turn this week? Was it too late to turn around? To get on a plane and pretend none of this happened?

Her fingers wavered over the keys before she typed. ‘I’m going to be fine. I’ll call you later. Have a good day at work and don’t worry about me.’ Ben watched her and didn’t ask.

“I haven’t talked to Mom since our disagreement.”

“Why did you ask me all those questions last night about Melanie and her?”

“It was stupid. Nothing.”

He merged onto the ramp, taking them down the long highway. Traffic was light that day. Elise cracked her window and leaned down in the seat to rest her head back. With the sun on her face, she tried to relax herself before the meeting of her lifetime.

“It wasn’t nothing. Tell me.” His voice broke her meditation.

“I had a stupid theory, that’s all.”

“I love stupid theories. Tell me what it was.” Ben got comfortable for the straight stretch of endless highway in front of them.

Elise aimed the second small window to divert the air from blowing on her face. She wanted to look perfect for her dad. It was crazy how excited she was becoming as the distance became shortened to his house.

“Mom wasn’t the most supportive of our relationship, that’s all. And I wondered how she acted about you and Melanie.”

“What do you mean, not supportive?”

“I don’t know. It’s stupid, but thinking back, she gave me every reason to leave. It’s like she didn’t even pause to think about having me stay here. She even told me that when you left for vacation with your family, it would be the perfect time for me to leave. At the time, I thought she knew what she was saying. I thought she was thinking about my future, trying to make it better. But now it seems she was trying to get rid of me. Pretty stupid, huh? I mean, what mom would want her daughter to fly to a strange city by herself?”

Ben glanced at her. He focused on the road, but his eyes remained strained. “That actually makes a lot of sense. When I got back I went to your house and she refused to tell me where you went. I couldn’t even get information from Melanie. It was like she hid you away. I thought you wanted to go. You didn’t?”

“I didn’t know what I wanted. I was scared. I wanted to go to college to become an engineer, but the thought of spending the rest of my life with you was simply wonderful too. Before I had time to think about it, she had a list of cons prepared to brainwash me. She told me that staying here was a dead end and if I waited to go to college, I’d forfeit the money she had allocated for my education. It was pretty much a split second decision that I had to make and she made staying here look like the coma of all choices. Something about how she wanted a future and ended up marrying my dad, who left and now she had nothing. I thought I was doing the right thing, Ben.”

Ben clicked his turn signal on and sat up straight in his seat. Elise glanced at the large green sign on the side of the road. It wasn’t their turnoff. He turned right at the stop light and pulled into the first convenience store he saw.

“Do you need gas?” Elise asked, squinting her eyes while waiting for his answer. She leaned over, trying to see the gas gauge on the dashboard but couldn’t.

He turned the truck off and situated himself to face her. “Are you telling me that your decision to leave me was your mother’s doing? You didn’t want to go?”

The severity of his stare and thoughtful choice of words made meeting her dad seem like a walk in the park. She thought carefully how to answer his overwrought questions. Leaning a little bit more into the door handle, she quietly spoke. “I’m not saying it was a one-way ticket out of here and she duct taped my mouth and threw me in the baggage department. It was more of a suggestive move on her part. She wanted the best for me. Or so I thought. It hurts my head to think about her motives. Instead of hating her, I try not to dwell on that part of my life and her decisions dealing with me.”

“You found the ring box?”

“Yes.” She hoped the door latch would hold her in, as she pushed harder against it, trying to move away from his interrogation.

“What did you think when you found it?”

“I was excited at first. Over the moon with happiness of being your wife.” Her smile morphed into a heavy sigh. “Then scared shitless. I told Mom and she pretty much guaranteed that staying with you would end in heartbreak, stupidity, and loss of my education. And Ben, you know I had no money saved for college. She convinced me that by marrying you, I’d give up my dream to design software. The picture she painted of us was living with your parents, having babies and never being happy. She was pretty good at over-dramatizing the whole failed life picture. Getting married and staying in Kentucky was never her plan for me. She told me to get my degree, then see what I wanted. By then, I’d know.”

Elise began to hyperventilate a little bit, seeing the disfigurement of Ben’s face, as he tried to wrap his head around this new information. “She said we’d probably be broken up within two months and it would be too late to take her up on going to college. I would be stuck working at the mall. I had to go, Ben. I had every intention to come back.”

He leaned in closer, tossing his hat onto the dashboard. “Elise, I loved you more than anything or anyone. I feel like when you needed me the most, I was gone. If I hadn’t left for vacation and stayed with you and asked you to marry me, would you have said yes? Could you have told me ‘no’ if I was standing in front of you, giving you my heart and pledging that I would never leave you and would do anything it took to make you happy? Hell, if going to college is what you wanted so much, I’d have gone with you.”

The stun gun of truth hit Elise right between the eyes. She was rendered defenseless. Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. Just one long seat that had suddenly shrunk down to two inches between them, and a replay of a could’ve been for the taking.

“Ben, that’s not fair. It’s over. I made the ultimate decision to leave.” Her tone dropped an octave. “Albeit, Mother placed the ticket in my hand and waved good-bye, but I am the one who left you the note. I left. It’s over. The pain is behind us. You have the kids and Melanie.”

“I wanted you, Elise. It was always you. Now, tell me. If I had asked you face to face, would you have left?”

“Do you like torture? What difference does it make now?”

“Answer the question.” He held up two fingers pinched together, as though there was an imaginary ring between them. “Elise, would you have married me twelve years ago, if I hadn’t so stupidly gone off on vacation with my family and left you defenseless to your mother’s brainwashing? Don’t imagine your mother. Just imagine me and what we could have been together.”

“Yes.” She closed her eyes regretting the one syllable confession and the rapid speed in which it left her lips. She would have. She had been through it in her mind a thousand times. While she sat in her off-campus apartment during Christmas breaks and Thanksgiving alone. Her mother had always promised to send money for plane fare, but when it came time, she never had enough. She even promised to come out and visit her there. But that never happened either. Elise talked herself out of a million instances before her fingers pressed out Ben’s number on the phone. She would have traded it all to be with him.

He hit his hand against the steering wheel. “I knew you had a good reason to leave me. I never could accept that bullshit you wrote me saying you had to go.” He cocked his head. “I guess that part
was
true. You had to, all right.” He looked out the driver’s window, catching his breath from all the revelations that were beating him down.