A Reason To Stay (15 page)

A slow burn penetrated her face. Her eyes grew larger. What did he just say? “You had no right, Ben.”

“I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t bring you back, but I could thank the son of a bitch who left you when you were a little girl. And tell him, ‘Way to go. You ruined a perfectly stable person by walking out of her life.’”

She walked back to him. “Did you?”

He kicked at the dirt on the bank, not able to look at her. “No. I drove there and chickened out. Anyway, I figured I was the wrong person to do that job.”

“You drove? Where does he live?”

“He lives in Clarksville, Tennessee.”

She looked down, shaking her head back and forth. Anxiety had trumped the passion that was just moments ago, coursing through her veins. “That’s not far from here. How long has he lived there?”

“I don’t know. It took less than two hours to get there.”

She took a seat on the ground, defenseless to any more questions Ben had for her. “I never tried to find him. After all, I was the reason he left. I’m sure he didn’t want to be found. Anyway, I never changed my address. If ever he was curious, he could have found me.”

“Why would you say that you were the reason he left?” He crouched down beside her.

Elise wiped a stinging tear from the corner of her eye. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because my mother told me I was the reason we had no man of the house. Why she was living in eternal unhappiness. In fact, she reminded me quite often of it. Said if she didn’t have me, she wouldn’t have ever been lonely. My dad would’ve never left if she simply didn’t have ‘that’ baby.” She looked up at him, squinting from the sun that was stinging her glassy eyes. “Can you believe she’d say ‘that’ baby? How’s that for an argument for birth control?”

Ben put his arm around her shoulder. Something about it felt perfect. “Do you know how completely screwed up I am because my father left me?”

“I hate when you say that. He left your mom, Elise. Not you.”

Elise pulled away and looked Ben square in the eye. “He left me, Ben. All the times I cried in my room so Mom couldn’t hear me. I cried for the dad who never bounced me on his knee, never taught me how to throw a baseball, never took me to a father-daughter dance, and never called me daddy’s little girl. He left me.”

“Let me take you to meet him. Talk to him. Ask him why. Maybe it will help you heal from your past. Maybe it will help you let someone get close to you. Maybe, me.” His eyes searched hers for recognition. “What do you say? We could be there in two hours?”

She flinched from him. “No.”

But she wanted to. She wanted to know the answers to so many questions. Why would he leave her? Did she do anything to make him hate her? Knowing her father was so close made her stomach twist.

Ben stared at the water, waiting for Elise to make a move. Her eyes darted back and forth, wondering why this was all attacking her right now. She knew she would never get better if she didn’t face the man that ran out on her so many years ago, and left her with a mother who blamed her for it.

“Let me think about it.”

They sat a little while longer. Elise felt so damaged. How could she ever recover from the emotional shrapnel left by her dad, if she didn’t understand what made him run? Slowly she stood and extended her arm to Ben.

“Ben, I’m sorry.”

“I’m the one who said the mean things, Elle. I’m sorry.”

“I deserved it. I know how much it hurt when I left you.”

“I don’t think you do.” The pain in his eyes convinced Elise he felt the same anguish that she had felt twelve years ago, and a little here and there, even now. But she’d never tell him.

“Let’s head back, if you don’t mind. I want to get back to check on Mom, and I am in serious need of a shower.”

They mounted their horses and enjoyed a quiet ride back to Ben’s house. She waited for him to help her off her horse when they got to the hitching post, outside of the barn. He caught her from falling, staring into her eyes a few seconds longer than it should have taken. His lips were so inviting. It was all right there, before her. But she refused.

“Did you get a chance to fix the car?” She picked her shoes up off the stable floor and waited for him to answer.

“Yes. It should get you back to town. But tell Melanie to make the appointment. It’s not safe to drive that around, not knowing where you’ll be when it won’t start again.”

“Tell me about it.” She smiled, knowing how dangerous last night was for them both. “I’m going to grab my bag at the house and head out.”

“Call me about what we talked about. Tomorrow is open for me.”

“Okay.” She walked back to the house, wondering what can of worms she would be opening by meeting her father.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Mother-Daughter Time

Elise called Melanie as she drove to their mother’s house. She tried to remind herself the reasons why she was back in Kentucky. The goal was to care for her mother and help her sister. Not fall in love with Ben, again, and meet her estranged father.

“Hello.” Melanie sounded like she was talking directly into the phone microphone, trying to avoid being overly loud.

“Hey, Mel. Where are you?”

“I’m having lunch. I can’t really talk now. Can I call you back?”

“Sure. Hey, am I supposed to pick the kids up from school?”

“No, I’ve got it. I don’t go back to work until tomorrow morning.”

“Okay, I guess I’ll see you later.” She rode the windy roads back to the downtown area, where she was from and should stay from now on.

After not seeing any Toyota in her mother’s driveway, she pulled in. She switched her boots with her shoes before getting out. There was no need to solicit any questions from her mother about where she’d been that day.

“Mom,” she yelled as she opened the front door.

“Elise, come on in. I’m in the family room.”

Elise slipped off her shoes and fixed herself in the hall mirror before going in and seeing her traitor mother. The one who broke the pact of ‘stay away from all men, who are evil.’ Lyla was stretched out on the sofa, looking more relaxed than usual. Who didn’t, when they’d had some?

“Mom, I heard you had an early morning visitor. I stayed away, giving you time to visit with him.” Stay calm and give her the rope to hang herself.

“Oh, Elise, come and sit down. Who are you fooling? I know Ben told you my ‘friend’ stayed over. And how could Ben tell you if you hadn’t spent the night with him?”

Oh, no she didn’t. It was completely okay for Elise. She was young and naturally acceptable to have stay-overs. But her mother? She was older and should know better. Especially if she was the one who set the game to be one of solitaire. What was drilled into Elise for her first eighteen years should be good enough for her mother’s last fifty.

“I didn’t
spend
the night with Ben. Melanie’s piece of junk wouldn’t start and so the kids and I stayed over so he could take them to school. Thank you very much.”

“Well, Frank’s car wouldn’t start either.” She winked at Elise and continued watching her soap opera.

“Mother, I’m telling the truth. Why are you acting like I’m not?”

“Elise, it’s okay. You and Ben were always together. I couldn’t keep you two separated.” She didn’t break eye contact from the television.

So, now it was all right for her to stay with Ben? Only ten or so years ago he was the Devil. It was imperative for Elise to escape him and his silly notion of forever. But today it’s fine and dandy? What the hell?

“Well, then why did you fly to Vegas with Melanie and him to watch them get married?”

Lyla looked at her daughter. “Why shouldn’t she? He had a ranch, a future, and he loved her. You left him. He was fair game.”

Elise stood up from her chair. “Fair game?
I
left? You make it sound like it was my money that bought the plane ticket and out-of-state college tuition.” If she didn’t pace herself, Elise might hyperventilate. “Did you push her to marry him? And only after you practically piloted my plane to fly me out of here and away from him. Why, Mother?”

“Elise, you have a very selective memory, don’t you?” She broke her trance with the love story playing on the television and began intently focusing on the tragedy her daughter was recalling. With her being the murderer of love.

“Oh, enlighten me, Mother. How do you remember it?” She drew in a lungful of air and thought back to the day her mother called the taxi service and helped pack the luggage for her to leave home. All under the guise that Ben was going to break her heart if she let him.

“I remember a scared-to-death girl coming home saying that you found an engagement ring in his room. And all you wanted was to go to college. You didn’t want to be strapped to little ol’ Bowling Green, Kentucky for the rest of your life. So, as any mother would do, I found you a school in California that ensured you the best future and sent you there.”

“Wow, is that how you sleep at night? Skewed memories? How do you remember Dad? Do you remember only his tail lights or maybe the endless nights of you yelling at him?”

Lyla sat up straight on the sofa. She lowered her bad foot from the cushion. “How dare you, Elise. Your father left you. I mean, us. He didn’t care about anyone but himself. I did you a favor with Ben. He would have done the same thing to you. Don’t you know that’s what happens when you give all of yourself to someone? When you sacrifice everything?” Her lip began to tremble and the vein in her temple thumped up and down. “One day you have it all—love and a promising future. Then, the next, it’s dead all because you decided to complicate things with a family and a mortgage that anchors you down by the jugular.”

“I have my doubts, Mother. I don’t think you wanted anyone to love me.” She walked out of the room and picked up her keys on the table beside the door. She said a quick prayer before putting the key in the ignition. As soon as it started, she reversed it with a heavy foot and sped out. Did her mother really believe the lies she had just told her? She tried not to focus on their relationship often, but it was never one to nominate for perfect.

Elise drove around aimlessly, listening to her growling stomach and feeling weak. Finally, her car pulled into the McDonald’s and she ordered a salad and ate it in the parking lot. She had an hour before she had to get Melanie’s car back to her in order to pick up the kids. After she finished picking at her lunch, she checked her phone. One missed call from Darren alerted the screen. She remembered it had vibrated at the creek and wondered what was going through his uncomplicated mind. She watched the people as they came and went from the restaurant. If only her life felt as normal as theirs looked. She pressed in Darren’s phone number and waited for him to answer.

“You just read my mind, baby.”

“Hey, Darren. How are you today?”

“So much better now that I’ve heard your voice. Has it been hectic there for you?”

He didn’t know the half of it. A cloud of sadness draped over her. After a long sigh, she tried on a small smile for him. She knew facial expressions
could
be detected over the phone connection. “It’s been all right. I think I’m going to come home a little earlier than I planned.”

“That’s the best news I’ve gotten all week. Is your mother better?”

“Oh, yeah. I’d say so.” Thoughts of her just yelling at her and images of her man-friend found their way to the tone of Elise’s answer. “She’s actually better than I thought she would be. So I’m going to call the airline and book my trip back.”

“Just let me know and I’ll pick you up. And promise me you won’t leave again. I haven’t thought of anything but you.”

Ben had just told her that’s all she did—leave. What was her problem? Maybe she should meet the man who introduced her to the concept, after all.

“I have a chance to meet my dad, Darren. I’m scared.”

“Baby, why are you scared? He’s your dad.”

“I know.” She wondered how much she wanted to divulge. She’d told Darren that her dad left when she was little. The most that he knew about her family was that she had a less than desirable mother, a terrific sister, and an absentee father. She never went into the leaves on the family tree, only the branches.

“It’s just that it’s been so long since I’ve seen him. I’m not even sure he’d even want to see me.”

“Of course he would. Do you want me to come and go with you?”

“Oh, Lord, no!” That would only add more dirt to the murky water she’d been sitting in for the last few days. “I’m just a little unsure because he didn’t try to find me, after I moved to California. For the record, he never came for me when I lived in the same house as a kid. But he’s only a couple hours from here. I don’t get it.”

“Well, I think you should meet him, if you want. Who wouldn’t want to meet you? He won’t know why he didn’t do it earlier. You are a remarkable woman. I’m so proud of you. You make me the happiest person, Elise Newton. And if you don’t come back soon, I’m chartering a plane to come and get you.”

No pressure there. She just cheated on him. Cheat was such a strong word. All right, kissed behind his back sounded better. Intentions were beside the point. Maybe Darren wouldn’t feel the same if he knew the real Elise Newton. Hearing him say her praises made her sick. She had to get off the phone.

“Thanks, honey. You are a wonderful guy. I’m lucky to know you, Darren Masterson. But I have to get going. Melanie needs the car for the kids. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Okay, baby. I love you.”

The sun rose and set on those words. Millions of seconds passed without a breath on her end. Why was he so persistent in his feelings to her? She didn’t deserve them.

“Bye, Darren.”

She clicked it off before she hated herself even more for not saying it back to him. And then hated why she couldn’t. She drove to Melanie’s house. The house was empty. She wasn’t home from lunch, yet her mother’s car was in the driveway. Her new guy must have picked her up.

Elise made a beeline for the shower. She lifted the lever to release all the hot water that would flow out. Broken images of Darren, Ben, her mother, and her dad polluted her mind in the steamy space. California and her little house on Meacon Street were her only refuges. It only held
one
of her obstacles in life—Darren. And she had practically turned that around with an ‘I love you’ by the sliding doors of the airport and a vague agreement to marry him in Vegas. Was she trying to elude her buried problems with a white flag of surrender? Believing and hoping that by getting married, normalcy would soon follow? But would it? Shouldn’t she be normal before exchanging lifelong vows with someone?

She stepped out of the shower and wiped the fog from the mirror. Melanie knocked on the bathroom door. “Hey, I’m getting the kids. Do you want to eat at Mom’s tonight? I can come back and pick you up or you can drive over.”

“I think I want to stay in tonight. I’m not feeling too well.” She looked at her reflection, while lying to her sister.

“Do you think you’re coming down with something?” Melanie spoke into the crack of the door, her voice vibrating through the small space.

“I’m fine. Just tired from all the activity. You forget, I’m single in California. The most I do is go to work and sit at my desk for nine hours a day. You go and have a good time. I’ll enjoy some peace while you’re gone. Don’t worry about me.”

“Okay, I’ll call you before we come home to see if you want anything.”

“Have fun.”

Elise dried off and walked to the room in her towel. She collapsed on her bed and stared at the ceiling. She knew she had to go to Clarksville. She took her phone off the charger and messaged Ben. ‘If you don’t mind, I’ll be at your house to leave around ten.’ She set her phone back down and rolled over on her side, not sure she’d have enough time to mentally prepare herself for the change of her life the next day.

Her phone rang. She took a moment, wondering if she should look at it. Her impatient heart raced, trying to elicit cooperation from her brain to look at the screen. Was it Ben? It couldn’t be. She just messaged him. Slowly, with anticipation, she peered over at the screen. Seeing his number made her eyes un-blink with a million questions behind them. Why couldn’t he be as savvy and just return the message. A phone call was not necessary. Unless he couldn’t go with her.

“Hello?”

“Hey, I just got your message. That’s fine. Do you want me to pick you up?”

“No, I’ll meet you at your house. I don’t want to explain myself to anyone around here. And don’t tell Melanie where I’m going.”

“No problem. But I’m trading her my truck. She’s taking hers into the shop. Do you have any objections to Old Blue?”

Could any more come at her? Was it possible to have an overdose of nostalgia? Old Blue was a refurbished pickup that Ben’s granddad left him when he died. Elise and he rode around in it everywhere, when she still lived there. When they were young lovers, unable to sit at a distance from one another. She had worn out the middle section, riding as close to him as she could.

“Of course not,” she said with a heavy sigh.

“Is everything all right?”

“Yes. I just had a fight with Mom. I’m feeling a little anti-social right now, that’s all.”

“Nothing new then?”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t remember the fights you two used to have all the time? And you’d come over and stay at my house till night came and you figured she was asleep, before going home.”

Oh, my gosh. He was right. They did argue all the time. About everything. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to leave the state and her mother, in Kentucky. Elise had forgotten most of those times. She just lumped all her problems together without daily dissection of why she was so dysfunctional now.

“I had forgotten, I guess. Hey, Ben, how was Mom when you and Melanie were dating?” The question came out of her mouth without guessing she might become nauseated from the inference. It was difficult to imagine her sister with the guy she loved so much.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, was she nice to you? You know, like nice because she had to be, or nice because she was?”

“She was nicer than when we dated. Why?”

Elise knew it. Her mother didn’t have a problem with Ben, she had a problem with her. It seemed to fit. She knew Ben was good marrying material, so she moved Elise to hook him up with Melanie. Her clear choice in daughters.