A Real Disaster (17 page)

I had to live up to Sabrina now.

“I know you’re in there, Nash,” I
muttered. “Your car is in the drive way. You have to be home.”

I banged on the door again, my hand
stinging with the contact.

“NASH!” I screamed. “NASH, OPEN THE DAMN
DOOR!”

Finally the door opened and Nash stood
on the other side of the door in his boxers and for the first time I saw his
muscular tattooed cover body in the light.

“What’s going on, Lily?” Nash said.

He rubbed one sleepy eye and then the
other. It was only then that I realized he wasn’t at his gig.

“What happened to your gig?” I asked,
momentarily thrown off the reason I went to his house.

“It got rained out,” he muttered. “What’s
going on?”
 

“Did you sleep with Sabrina?”

“What? What are you talking about?” he
asked.

“Sabrina. She said that she slept with
you in the past. Is that true?” Nash’s brows furrowed and he frowned. “Nash!”

“Why did she tell you that she slept
with me?” he asked, not answering the question.

“I asked you if you did. Did you sleep
with her?”

“We made out,” he admitted.
“Once.
It was a drunken night after a party.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Nash shrugged and grabbed my hand.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me something like
this?”

“Because it
didn’t mean anything.
I barely remember it, I was so drunk. And honestly,
I forgot that it happened until you just mentioned it.”

I pouted, crossing my arms in front of
my chest.

“Seriously, Lily.
It meant
absolutely nothing. It’s not like we had sex. This isn’t a big fucking deal.”

I knew he had kissed other girls. I knew
he had sex with other girls. However, Nash kissing Sabrina was the worst of
all. I didn’t want to be getting her sloppy seconds.

“You could have told me. I felt like a
fool when she told me.”

Nash pulled me close to him, getting me
out of the rain.

“I’m sorry. Maybe I should have told
you.
But Lily…
Are you really going to keep getting
mad at me for my past? You know I’ve been with other girls. Is this going to
continue to be a problem?”

I knew that the right answer, the only
answer, was no. I wasn’t going to keep getting mad at him because of his past.
But I couldn’t tell him something that I wasn’t sure of. Nash was my first real
boyfriend and the only person I’ve had any experience with.
Unless
you count Turner.
I didn’t like to think that Nash was with anyone else,
or loved anyone else. I would admit it; I was jealous.

“I’m not mad at you. You have to give me
some kind of leniency though. I’m all new at this dating thing.”

“I know and so am I. Now what do you say
we get you out of these wet clothes?”

The gleam in his eye told me that he had
more planned than just getting me warm.

All I did was smile and let him lead me
into the house and down to his room.

*
         
*
         
*

“Come on I want to show you something,”
Nash said.

I was sprawled out on his couch, in his
sweats, watching a re-run of
The Nanny
.
I cocked my head to the side, staring at him.

“But I’m comfortable Nash,” I
complained.

The rain stopped overnight and the sun
was peeking up through the trees. It was cold out but at least there was no
more rain.

“And I’m warm. Do we have to go out?”

Nash laughed as he tugged me to my
feet.
 

“I want to take you somewhere and show
you something. Are you really going to argue with me?”

With a sigh I shook my head.

“Fine, I’ll go with you…” I said,
kissing him.

*
         
*
         
*

I buckled in the car as he started the
engine. Soon we were off, driving down the stretch of road. The road was empty
and the air was cold against my cheeks. I let my arm hang out the window and
smiled at the sunrise in front of us.
Just me, Nash, and the
sunrise; the perfect morning.
Suddenly, Nash made a left, pushing me
into the car door. I held on as the tires climbed over the rocky road.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“You’ll see,” he promised. “Do you trust
me?”

I was in the car with him, alone. It was
the type of question that the answer didn’t actually matter. For the first time
I wasn’t the littlest scared about being alone with a guy because of my
past.

“Yeah, I trust you,” I said. “But that
doesn’t mean I don’t like to know what’s going on.”

“You’ll see.”

Nash made another turn and drove down
what looked like a deserted road before stopping and turning the car off.

“You told me that seeing the ocean and
letting your toes curl in the sand was one of your biggest dreams.
Right?”

“Right,” I said.

“Well, welcome to your dream.”

Nash climbed out of the car and I
followed suit. He grabbed my hand and guided me through some trees before
coming to an opening. The wind tickled my face, throwing my hair away from my
neck. In front of me was nothing but land and ocean. The waves crashed onto
land in a rolling motion as the sun rose higher. The beach was deserted, not
even a seagull in sight. I slipped off my shoes, followed by my socks, and took
a tentative step forward.

The sand was cold but felt like little
balls underneath my feet. My feet sunk in and the sand trickled over my toes,
rubbing up against each toe. I took another step forward, gasping at the new
feeling. It didn’t matter that my hair was blowing in my face or that my feet
were becoming numb from the cold.

“Want to go in the ocean?”

I never felt the ocean water against my
feet and the thought of moving forward both exhilarated me and scared me. I
nodded and reached for Nash but he took a step back.

“Aren’t you coming?” I asked and he
shook his head again.

“It’s your dream...”

“But you’re part of it Nash.”

Nash was my whole dream, every single
inch of it. The flitting thought grabbed my heart and squeezed.

I loved him.

I was in love with Nash.

Absolutely, one
hundred percent in love with him.

I didn’t see it before because I didn’t
want to see it. I wanted to make sure I was safe. I didn’t want to give my
heart out.

“Come with me,” I urged. “Please?”

“But Lily-”

“I want you to come with me. I want to
experience this with you.”

Nash hesitated but finally joined me. Together,
hand in hand, we walked down the sand and to the edge of the surf. I waited as
the wave broke and water hit my feet. I jumped back but the water got me again.
It was like no matter how far away I got from the surf, the water always found
my feet. It was…

Amazing.

“Lily?”

“I love you Nash,” I blurted out. “I
love you. I’m in love with you.”

I turned to Nash and saw that he was as
white as the sand I was standing on.

“Nash?”

“We should go, Lily,” he said. “I don’t
want you to be late for class.”

We had just got there and now we were
already leaving. He turned on his heel and started back to the car, not even
looking back to make sure that I was following him. Confused and defeated, I
hung my head and started back behind him. What did I say that was so wrong? Was
telling Nash that I loved him the wrong thing to do?
Impulsive,
sure.
I would admit that. But shock ran over me when he didn’t say it
back. Maybe he didn’t love me. Maybe…Maybe this was just a fling for him.

When I got to the car and finally
climbed in, Nash had his eyes on the road and both hands on the wheel. I looked
at him but he didn’t look back. Instead he started the car and we started back
to my dorm which told me I did do something wrong since we came from his place.

I really screwed up.

The air in the car was thick with
tension. Nash’s hands were so tight on the wheels that his knuckles were white.

“Nash?”

“What’s up Lily? Did you like the
beach?”

“Y-Yeah, I… I thought it was great.”

“Well, I wanted you to be able to see
it.”

He smiled at me but his smile didn’t
reach his eyes. Was he going to mention what I blurted out or was he going to
pretend like it didn’t happen? I couldn’t take back the words and I wasn’t even
sure that I wanted to. I
did
love
Nash. We had things in common.

But it wasn’t going to mean anything if
he didn’t love me back.

“You don’t love me, do you?” I
whispered.

Nash slid his eyes over to me for a
second.

“What?”

“Love me, Nash, I told you that I loved
you back at the beach. I told you that I was in love with you. But you didn’t
say anything. It’s because you don’t love me, do you?”

“I didn’t say that, Lily.”

“But you didn’t say you loved me back.
That kind of explains everything, don’t you think?”

Nash didn’t say another word. He pulled
in front of my dorm building and kept his head straight as he stopped the car.
It was my cue to leave but I hesitated hoping that Nash would say one last
thing. He didn’t. Blinking back tears, I climbed out of the car and walked
toward the building. By the time I turned back Nash and his car was gone.
 

Tears brimmed in my eyes and I knew I
couldn’t go back inside the way I looked. So, tightening my jacket around me, I
turned the opposite away Nash went and started to walk, hoping the cold air would
clear my mind and relax my taut nerves.

*
         
*
         
*

When I got back to the dorm room,
Sabrina was there reading a book. Elizabeth was next to her, using Sabrina’s
laptop. I slammed the door and plopped down on the bed. Sabrina looked up.

“I’m sorry, Lily. I should have never
said anything about Nash. Or I should have at least explained that it was
nothing. I didn’t mean it to come out that way.”

“It’s okay… I overreacted anyway.”

“I would have done the same thing.”

Thankfully someone would have.

The next few days it was sunny out, the
air was still cold and I pulled the blanket over me, curling myself up
underneath it. I wasn’t tired but I was drained. All I wanted to do was stay in
bed and not come out until next spring when the school year was over and I
could go back home.

I still hadn’t heard from Nash. Opening
my stupid mouth was such a bad idea. I should have kept it in and let Nash say
it first. Maybe I made him feel trapped in a corner.
I desperately wanted to text Nash and apologize for what I said. I
wanted to take it back and pretend it didn’t happen. But even if I apologized I
knew that it wouldn’t change anything. The words were already out there; I
couldn’t take them back. I would just have to wait and see what would happen. I
hoped that I didn’t screw everything up for good. But I had a feeling that I
did.

Chapter
Seventeen

I
love you.
Those three words were the worst three words that left my mouth. They ruined
the one good thing that was happening and there was nothing I could do to fix it.
I stared at my phone, willing it to ring, but it stayed silent. I hadn’t heard
from Nash since the incident and I was unravelling at the seams.

My history text book was opened up in
front of me, the pages parted to the American Revolution, but the words were
blurring in front of my eyes. What time was it, three in the morning?
Four?
Sabrina was snoring softly across the room and I
didn’t bother to look at the clock. It wasn’t going to change anything.

Waiting for Nash to call had made me an
insomniac for the past few days. I couldn’t sleep, I barely ate. All I could
think about was him and the look of pure horror after I let the words slip.

Slipping off my bed, I left the
dormitory and went outside to the dark night. Crickets chirped and somewhere in
the tree an owl hooted. Impulsively, I opened the phone and dialed Nash’s
number. It didn’t matter how late it was. It was a Friday night; there was no
way Nash was asleep. He had a gig that I was supposed to go to before he
stopped talking to me, and it wasn’t ending until after midnight. By now he was
probably just getting back to his house.