A Note in the Margin (20 page)

John’s skin touched him everywhere; his breath warm on David’s neck. He let himself drift in John’s embrace.

I can say it. It can’t hurt me here.

“The first time someone hurt me,” David said softly, then corrected himself, “…
physically
hurt me.”

John pushed his fingers through David’s hair, kissed his neck lightly and whispered, “Tell me, Dave.”

His voice sounded vaguely dislocated when David sank back against John and started to speak. “I don’t really remember much about the first few weeks. I remember being confused. I didn’t know where to go. I walked a lot. Was too afraid to sleep until I was so exhausted I had to….” David paused, eyes closed, and let John’s breath warm him enough to go on. “They woke me up with a kick… punched and kicked me over and over. Then I was against a wall. It scraped my face.” David frowned. The hands on him now were soft, not like then. John let out a shaky breath and brushed the back of his fingers over David’s cheek while he listened. “I didn’t understand, John…. I didn’t understand why they did that to me.”

John could do little more than nod and give him a gentle kiss because he didn’t understand either.

“Someone helped me after. I was trying to pull my trousers on but the button was ripped off and they were bloody. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to get them on and I was so ashamed.” He stopped speaking and sat still in John’s arms, only vaguely aware of the other man’s tears. Then he whispered, “Still so ashamed.”

Those quiet words shook John into action and he roughly wiped his hand over his face. His voice was low and a little rough when he spat out, “No, David. Fucking hell, no. Those bastards did that to you. You did nothing wrong… not a damn thing.” He shuffled back a little awkwardly on the bed until he could swing his leg around and then crawled to the edge to sit next to David. He took David’s hand, held it between his, and said, “They had no right to do that to you, none of them.”

They sat like that for what seemed like a long time. John knew it had been a huge step for David to talk to him about the attack, about the rape, and he needed to respond with a clear head. Even in the darkened room John could see the strained twitch of David’s leg muscles slowly subside and his shoulders slump forward. John leaned over and kissed David lightly on the back of his shoulder and said, “I can’t fix any of that for you, but I need you to understand that no matter what happens tomorrow, please let me be with you.”

David watched John’s thumb gently caress the back of his hand and nodded slowly.

John’s eyes held a weary determination when David met them; he nodded again and gave a shaky smile followed by a shrug. “Wanna hear what I’ve got planned for those books?”

John laughed and wiped his eyes again. “Yeah… I wanna hear.”

It’s
time.
A shared thought as all three men checked clocks and watches from various parts of the store. Without saying anything, David pulled the card with the phone number out of his pocket and walked through to the kitchen. The others didn’t follow. Instead they pretended to go about their daily duties, ignoring the fact that the numbers in the ledger didn’t make sense or that the authors’ names seemed to have disappeared from conscious memory.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Robinson; I don’t have your results here. The doctor has put a note on your file asking you to come in to the clinic,” the voice on the other end of the line explained with quiet efficiency.

David said thank you and hung up. He stood very still, his hand resting on the receiver in its cradle. When John appeared in the doorway David said in an expressionless voice, “I have to go to the clinic, John.”

Without any hesitation, John grabbed his jacket off the back of the chair and stated, “Come on. I’ll take you.” David didn’t argue and let John lead him through the store to the car.

“Is your friend okay? It looks like he had some bad news,” an elderly customer asked. Jamie’s stomach lurched as he watched them go.

The
drive to the clinic was done in silence.

When John finally switched off the ignition in the car park, he just sat and stared at the dense graffiti on the opposite wall. The jarring colors seemed to make more sense than the blur of scenarios and emotions vying for attention in his mind.

He couldn’t move. The terror that enveloped him was broken only when a gentle hand covered his own, still gripping the steering wheel. “It’s okay, John,” David said softly. “I can go in.”

Not sure if it was the touch or calm voice, maybe a combination of both, John was able to drop his eyes and take a deep breath. He smiled, shook his head, and reaffirmed his stance of the night before. “Together, Dave. We’ll be all right together.” He pulled out the keys, unclipped his seat belt with more bravado than he actually felt, and said, “Let’s get this done.”

The waiting room was as busy as it had been several days earlier, but instead of having Barbara there to organize his appointment David walked up to the receptionist, and gave his name and that of the doctor. He explained quietly why he was there and then sat in the same plastic chair as his last visit… only this time John was beside him.

Dr. Coulson eyed the two men with vague curiosity when they entered his room. He pulled out the required file and keyed the code into the computer. No one spoke while he scrolled through a few screens to remind himself why they were there. Eventually he stood up, opened a filing cabinet drawer, pulled out a few pamphlets and said to both of them—still unsure exactly who the patient was but guessing it was David—“It’s good you came down today. That way we can get treatment underway immediately.”

David nodded and resisted the urge to look at John, whose chair was placed beside but slightly behind his.

“Now first of all, here is some information on your condition and how we can treat it.” He handed David a glossy piece of paper with the deep red heading “What Is Anemia?” The doctor continued speaking about the causes of anemia while he pulled a few more sheets out of the drawer, not noticing the look of utter confusion on David’s face, who was trying to take in what was written on the sheet without actually understanding what was going on. John put his hand on David’s shoulder and said with barely concealed anger. “Stop. What are you saying? What exactly are you telling us?”

The hand in the filing cabinet paused and Dr. Coulson turned and gave John an irritated glare. “I am trying to discuss your
friend’s
treatment.”

David could feel John start to rise from his seat; he held his hand out, but spoke directly to the doctor. “My blood test results. They wouldn’t give them to me on the phone.”

Coulson frowned at the question and returned to the computer screen. “According to your file you are anemic and have a mild parasitic infestation; both of which we’ll treat. HIV negative, Hepatitis B and C both negative.”

Negative.
John’s eyes drifted from the doctor to David, who was sitting staring as if he couldn’t quite comprehend what he’d just been told. He gently rubbed David’s back and tried to listen to what the doctor was saying, but all he could do was grin and keep his hand moving.

Lunchtime
had come and gone and Jamie hadn’t closed the store to go and buy the usual sandwiches. It felt wrong without David there to share. Instead he hovered over the kettle waiting for it to boil, more for something to do rather than actually needing a cup of tea. It had been a couple of hours since the others left for the clinic and thankfully Jamie had been kept busy, but the lull of early afternoon left him to think and worry.

When the doorbell finally tinkled his head shot up and he quickly stepped into the store to see John and David walking toward him. Both were smiling. He knew straight away that David was okay, but rather than returning the smiles Jamie stood with his arms wrapped around himself. His voice was very small as he said, “I was so scared, Dave.”

Without any hesitation David left John’s side and enveloped Jamie in a tight embrace. He whispered softly, “I’m know… but it’s all gonna be all right.” He gently stroked his hand over Jamie’s hair and added with a little smile, “I’ve been wormed and given my shots.”

Jamie slipped his arms around David’s waist and let out a shaky laugh. “So I guess that means we can keep you.”

John stood and watched David comfort his young friend and understood for the first time the effect all of this had had on Jamie. He’d known David for longer than John, helped Maggie bring him into the store and slowly won his trust. Become his friend.
Hell, if Jamie hadn’t persisted I would have thrown David out that first morning,
John realized and felt more than a little ashamed that he’d not once considered Jamie as part of this. John quietly left David and Jamie and went into the kitchen. The past few days hit him. He slumped against the wall, pinched the bridge of his nose, and let the tears fall silently.

“Leave
them ’til morning, Dave.” John smiled as he looked at the greasy cardboard containers, bowls, and chopsticks strewn about the coffee table. The debris of a celebration of sorts could be left for another day. He shook his head, amazed that he could even contemplate such a thing.
Everything has a correct place and life must be routine and neatly labeled.
Where did that John go, because he certainly doesn’t live here anymore?
He looked up at David, who’d been standing near the armchair watching him, a slightly bemused look on his face. John chuckled. “Just lost in thought for a moment… thinking about the man I used to be and how he would have gotten up in the middle of the night to clean this away rather than let it sit.” He shrugged, embarrassed at the admission. David simply nodded, but his smile was warm and open.

“Come on; it’s been a tough day.” John laughed, turned his back on the mess, and walked through to the bedroom.

The entire time they were undressing John chatted about anything and everything; even when his head touched the pillow he was laughing about his burgeoning relationship with the woman at the local Chinese restaurant. He felt high as a kite and couldn’t seem to contain suddenly boundless energy.

David lay beside him, smiling at his obvious joy, but when it looked like John was about to launch into another tale, David lifted his hand and gently placed it over John’s mouth. He could feel the curve of John’s lips under his palm as he was silenced. David slowly removed his hand and leaned forward to kiss the still-curled lips, breaking into a broad smile himself. The attempted kiss became a giggling embrace as they held each other, neither able to fully comprehend that it was now possible for them to have a full future together..

As the laughter subsided, it was replaced by gentle touching; that same happy disbelief being expressed through fingers and lips.

John’s mouth moved over David’s skin, not quite kissing, more like sampling and exploring. There was nothing of his usual sense of urgency because he knew now that he had time to take it slow. When his tongue took a languid swipe at an already peaked nipple, he glanced up to see David’s reaction. John paused briefly at the sight of David watching him through slitted eyes. As their gaze met, John felt David’s fingers rest lightly on his head before threading through his hair. John smiled a little wickedly and let the tip of his tongue trail slowly down, stopping now and then to plant an open-mouthed kiss on random selections of skin.

David shifted his hips under John’s touch, suddenly far too aware of his very obvious erection. John eased back and rested on his elbow. He gently stopped the hand that reached for the edge of the sheet with a quiet “Let me look at you, David, please?”

David hesitated, but released the material to fall back to the mattress, leaving him exposed in the warm light of the bedside lamp. At that moment, John’s heart felt too big for his chest and he lifted David’s hand briefly to his lips before placing it back on the sheet.

Leaning forward, John brushed his lips over a still prominent hipbone and spread his fingers through the dark hair beside it. Close but not yet ready to touch, John looked up and said with a slight flush of color, “You know, I’ve never actually paid any attention to another man’s… um, penis, before.”

David didn’t answer, but raised his eyebrows and chuckled when John added, “I know my own well enough, but it never seemed important to, ah…
get to know
anyone else’s.”

Despite his heart hammering in his chest, David gave a little shrug and reached down to slowly edge John’s hand closer.

John gently, almost tentatively, ran the flat of his fingers along the silky skin of David’s shaft, paying close attention to the ripples and veins. A bead of pre-come grew and trickled down near John’s fingers. He watched its path before curling the tip of his tongue to taste the fluid,
taste David
. John looked up to see David watching him intently, a slightly confused expression on his face. The act had taken on a whole different meaning for David and he found it difficult to understand the pleasure John was taking from this. John smiled, a little unsure, and asked, “You okay with this? I need you to tell me, Dave.”

David gave a small nod and watched John crawl between his legs to settle in the cradle of his thighs. He wasn’t ready for the sensation of John’s lips closing over the head of his cock and let out an involuntary gasp.
Is this what it feels like to them, with me on my knees on the concrete?
The thought passed through his mind unbidden and he almost made John stop; it was wrong to let him do this, wrong for it to feel so good. But when he looked down at the fair head bobbing slowly, not forced or retching, he allowed himself to stop thinking.

John’s mouth gradually took more of him in and began to increase the pace. He had no idea if what he was doing was right, but tried to mimic what
he
liked. It was a little more difficult than he thought it would be fighting his own gag reflex and he wished he could use his tongue more against the press of David’s cock.

Stop trying so hard,
he told himself and eased back to enjoy the experience.

John’s fingers wrapped around the base of David’s cock and began a careful squeeze and release, matching the rhythm of his mouth. He could feel David moving with him and heard his soft grunting breaths. John’s own cock began pulsing at the sound and he pushed his hips hard against the bed, trying to get some friction. His legs were over the edge of the bed and the position was awkward, but he didn’t care. This wasn’t about him.

David’s hand tensed in John’s hair; his fingers tightened and pulled hard. “Close, John,” he groaned and tried again to pull John off, afraid to come in his mouth. Reassuring fingers stroked along his hip and belly and when David looked down he met John’s eyes. It was all he saw before the force of his orgasm closed his eyes.

John stilled both hand and lips while he concentrated on swallowing until he felt the spasms ease to a gentle shudder. With a last gentle lick, he released the softening cock and rested his face against David’s thigh. Breathing in the scent of sweat and come, he reached down and gripped his own aching cock. It only took a couple of rapid twisting strokes before he came.