A Note in the Margin (18 page)

“Okay, I’ll get straight to the point, David.” She took a breath and sighed. “Part of what I do here is counsel people on health issues, and a big part of that is sexual health.” Barbara watched him closely before continuing. “Have you been tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases?”

David picked at the edge of the cookie for a moment before he looked away and shook his head. It was very obvious to Barbara that there could be a problem here so she took a risk she normally wouldn’t and carefully put her hand on David’s arm. She felt him tense, but didn’t remove it. “What is it, David? Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

He glanced at her briefly, but didn’t say anything.

“Do you need to be tested, hon, or do you already know?” Barbara asked, her apprehension starting to build.

David nodded, then frowned and gave an agitated shrug.

“I don’t understand, David. What do you mean?”

He concentrated on the rough texture of the cookie while he tried to formulate a reasonable answer. “I don’t know how I
can’t
be positive.”

Barbara sighed; she hated this part of the job. “But you don’t know for sure?”

He shook his head and finally looked up at her. “I tried to be safe, but sometimes I just….”

“It’s okay, hon. I understand that sometimes you had no choice,” she said calmly. “I also understand how scary it is, but you need to know for sure. For your sake
and
for John’s.”

David sat still and thought that through for what seemed like several minutes before he nodded and asked, “Can you organize it for me?”

“Of course I can.” She smiled at him. “Now stop dissecting that cookie and eat it. And one more thing.” Barbara’s smile became a little sad. “One day can I see what you draw?”

“Yeah,” David replied in a low emotionless voice.

She got up and walked over to the door to give David some breathing space. He sat at the table and quietly took in the reality that the tests would be set up and within the next few days he would know for sure. Up until then the only thing that mattered was staying alive to watch Adam grow for a few more years to be independent, but now…
now
there was John.

Soft footsteps behind him alerted David to John’s presence so he wasn’t surprised when a hand gently squeezed his shoulder. He put his own hand over John’s and said, “It’s okay, John. Barbara’s gonna book me in.”

John’s grip tightened when his voice eluded him.

Other than the bustle of the reception area next door the kitchen was silent until David stood up. Still holding John’s hand, he turned to face him and said, “It’s okay, John. No matter what the results are, it’s okay.”

He put his arms around John and pulled him close. David’s embrace felt solid and John leaned into it, accepting the comfort offered, well aware that
he
should be the one offering.

“I can go with you,” John whispered, but David shook his head.

“No; I need to do this on my own, John.” With that he pulled back and gave John a reassuring smile that didn’t match the cold fear that had settled in his gut.

Business
is always too good here.
Barbara sighed as she looked over the men who were already gathering for the evening meal. An old man with a walking cane and threadbare hand-knitted cardigan stopped at the pile of books and started to browse through the titles. He glanced up at Barbara, who smiled and told him to take whatever he wanted and just return them when he was finished. A surprised and delighted smile lit his face for a moment and he quickly put two of the tattered paperbacks into his plastic bag.

David’s
heels pushed deep into the mattress, pulling the ripples they’d created in the white base sheet into sharp creases. His thigh muscles strained and trembled as he struggled to keep some semblance of control. John had braced himself at arm’s length; his palms flat on the pillow on either side of his lover so he could look down on David’s face as he approached his orgasm. He wanted to speak, to tell David how beautiful he looked flushed and sweating in the shadow of his raised body, but John was too close.

David pushed his head back into the pillow; his eyes squeezed shut as a strangled gasp escaped his open mouth. It may have contained John’s name, but the sound was too raw for him to be sure. John’s head dropped between his already aching shoulders when he both saw and felt the stripes of David’s come hit his belly.

“Oh God, Dave,” was all he was able to groan before he thrust hard into his own release. Finally his elbows gave way and he inelegantly slumped heavily onto David’s breathless body.

John managed to get his arms back under him and eased himself back a little with an apology. “Sorry, Dave. I kind of lost it there.”

“Yeah,” David answered with sex-roughened hoarseness. “I noticed.”

John chuckled and started to pull out.

“Careful!” David exclaimed sharply, obviously distressed, and quickly reached down to make sure John had a firm hold on the rim of the condom.

“It’s all right, Dave. I’ve got it,” he said quietly, trying to reassure David the condom was still on and intact. He carefully pulled it off and tied the end before getting out of the bed to throw it in the waste bin. He grabbed a facecloth and hand towel from the bathroom and lay back on the bed.

David was still on his back, but his hand covered his face. When John gently rubbed the damp cloth over David’s flushed skin, a quiet voice came from behind the hand. “I’m sorry, John.”

The cloth barely hesitated in its task as John winced but quickly banished the building fear. He swiped the cloth over himself, dried them both with the towel, and then tossed it on the floor so he could take his place on the bed beside David. John lifted the hand and gently kissed the lips below. “You have nothing to be sorry for, David. Do you hear me?
Nothing
.”

“He’s
quiet this morning,” Jamie said while he watched David sort the children’s books.

“He’s always quiet, Jamie,” John replied wearily, without looking up from the invoices.

Jamie frowned. “You know what I mean…. Quieter than usual.”

John almost pointed out that David rarely spoke at the best of times, but wasn’t really in the mood to discuss it. Unfortunately for John it wasn’t in Jamie’s nature to let things go that easily. He leaned closer and said, “Maybe I should go and talk to him and….”

By this stage John had had enough and snapped irritably, “Let it go, Jamie… please.”

Jamie was a little taken aback by John’s angry response. He stepped away and said quietly, “I’m sorry, John; I can’t help worrying about him.”

John instantly felt guilty at his lack of patience and said, “No,
I’m
sorry. He’ll be okay. We just need to give him a little space this morning.”

With a reluctant nod, Jamie wandered through to the stock table to start pricing the new arrivals. He’d barely started when the phone rang.

David knew his response earlier that morning had been irrational. It certainly wasn’t the first time they’d made love, but now the risk to John seemed more real and he’d panicked. He knew Barbara was right. He had to be tested, but suddenly it was a possibility he had to face up to.

The book between his fingers slipped and almost fell to the ground. His hands had begun to tremble again and his limbs were numb. David closed his eyes and tried to breathe through it. He felt like he needed to move, to do something, anything to stop thinking… but if he moved he was sure he would shatter into a thousand pieces….

David focused all his energy on the feel of the thin hardback book and concentrated on its texture. It was cool and smooth under his touch; there was a slight wrinkle in the glossy cardboard near the top of the spine.
Better. What else?
He opened his eyes and looked at the cover of the illustrated book. A wolf looked back. He ran his fingertips over the yellow eyes of the watercolor animal, turned the cover, and began to read. “The wolves looked out with hungry eyes but no one else could see them….”

He had almost finished the children’s book when he looked up to see Jamie in front of him. “Phone call for you, Dave.”

It took David a moment to realize what it was Jamie had said. It must have shown on his face because Jamie put his hand over David’s and gently closed the book. “Come on, Dave. Come and take the call.”

He put the book back on the display shelf and led David to the front of the store where he picked up the receiver and handed it to him. Jamie gave David a reassuring smile before giving him some privacy.

“Hello, David. It’s Barbara,” the voice on the other end of the line said. “I’ve managed to get you booked in today if that’s okay.”

David glanced across to the door to see John hovering, desperately trying to look like he was busy sorting through the same invoices he’d completed half an hour earlier.

“David?” Barbara queried softly when he didn’t reply.

David rubbed his hand over the back of his neck and sighed. “Yeah, it’s okay. What time?”

“I’ll pick you up in about twenty minutes. There’s no charge. The clinic bulk bills and the shelter signs for you so you don’t have to worry about that, but the doctor will probably want to do a full check-up, so let John know we might be a while.”

David nodded and then remembered Barbara couldn’t actually see him. He said in a resigned voice, “I’ll be ready.” David held onto the phone for several moments after she’d hung up, trying to calm his nerves before he faced John.

By the time he replaced the receiver, Jamie had joined John at the counter and they were making a poor attempt at a conversation. When David walked through and stood beside them, Jamie stopped midsentence and said, “That was the lady from the shelter, yeah? What did she say?”

“Jamie!” John warned and glared at the young man.

“It’s all right,” David said with a smile for Jamie. “It
was
Barbara; she’s picking me up soon.” He tried very hard to make his voice sound calm, but when he felt John’s hand on his back rubbing gently in silent support he knew he hadn’t succeeded.

“Want me to make you a cuppa before she gets here?” Jamie offered, not sure what else to suggest.

David shook his head. “No thanks. I think I might go upstairs and clean myself up a bit if that’s okay?”

“Of course it is,” John answered, well aware that David had already showered that morning. “I’ll give you a call when she gets here.”

Upstairs, David sat on the edge of the couch with eyes closed and willed himself to stay still and wait.

When Barbara walked into the store she smiled at the two men, who both gave her an anxious look. “You have a beautiful store here; very welcoming,” she said as she reached the counter.

“Thank you,” John said and turned to Jamie. “Can you go and let David know Barbara’s here?”

“Sure,” Jamie replied and, with a quick smile at Barbara, he headed out of the store. Barbara waited until Jamie was through the door before she asked, “How’re you holding up, John?”

John rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Scared shitless, if you want the honest truth.”

“That’s understandable.” She smiled and patted his arm. “But it needs to be done for both your sakes.”

“Yeah, I know,” John said. “Although sometimes I have to wonder if denial isn’t a hell of a lot easier.”

“Has he spoken to you about it?” she asked, indicating the flat above the store with a tilt of her head.

“No, not really,” John said. “He’s bloody terrified, but trying really hard not to let me see it.”

“Try to get him to talk if you can, John. His kind struggle if the results aren’t good.”

“His kind?” John repeated and looked at her through narrowed eyes.

“It’s okay, John.” She smiled gently, realizing her mistake. “I just meant the quiet ones. David seems a very insular person and will try to deal with it all himself. Believe me, that’s
not
a good thing.”

John nodded, knowing she was right while doubting his ability to get David to talk. But he would try. He looked up at the sound of the store bell and smiled at David. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you? We both know Jamie would love the chance to run this place.”

David stood with his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his old jacket and shook his head. John was about to push it, but Barbara held her hand up behind David, signaling for John to back off a bit. He understood David needed to do this without him, but it was still hard to see him leave the store and stay behind. John stood quietly until the door closed then turned to Jamie and clapped him on the shoulder. “Come on. I think we deserve a tea break.”

Barbara
indicated for David to grab a seat while she went to register him with the receptionist. He sat on the white plastic seat and watched as she talked and laughed with the young woman behind the counter. David tentatively glanced around the waiting room; it was too easy to recognize the despair and resignation of the others isolating themselves on their own chairs. It was full of people just like him.
No, not like me,
he thought desperately.
I don’t want to be that anymore.
The thought made him feel guilty because despite everything he was one of the lucky ones.

“Robinson.”

David flinched at his surname and looked up. The receptionist repeated his name and added, “Room two and take this with you.” He took a breath and stood up ignoring the urge to walk out the front door. Barbara gave him an encouraging smile as he took the thin manila folder and made his way into the second room down the corridor.

He hesitated just inside the doorway, unsure whether to walk in or wait until the doctor acknowledged him. Eventually the doctor said, “Take a seat,” and took the folder from him. He didn’t really look up from the checklist while he reeled off a series of questions about David’s
lifestyle,
as he put it. David answered each devoid of emotion, somehow feeling disconnected from the words that described his life. The doctor finished by listing the next few procedures and said, “Do you have somewhere you can be contacted? Or will I just list the shelter?”

David frowned and quietly said that his address was already on the paperwork. The doctor read the form silently for a minute and then looked at David for the first time. “Good. Let’s get started then.”

It’s
done,
David thought as he sat in the car and stared out the window, avoiding the sight of the little swatch of cotton and tape on his arm. It had started to rain while he was in the clinic; not the bone-chilling rain of winter he used to dread, but spring rain. He’d noticed the trees in the planters outside the storefronts already had buds waiting to bloom. But today his vision of the world outside the car blurred as he focused on the raindrops skidding across the side window. It was always easier to dwell on smaller things than acknowledge a “big picture” that threatened to overwhelm him. Sometimes it worked; others it didn’t.

“You okay?” Barbara asked gently.

“I don’t know,” he answered truthfully.

Barbara accepted the answer as an honest one and said with similar candor, “You usually get the results in a couple of days. Have you got the number for the results line?”

David gave a single nod.

“You know that even if you
are
positive it doesn’t mean you have AIDS, hon. With the medications around now, having HIV is not necessarily the death sentence it used to be.”