Read A New Life Online

Authors: Stephanie Kepke

Tags: #women's fiction,motherhood,childbirth

A New Life (4 page)

BOOK: A New Life
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By the time Zach got home, the candles had burned down; I had changed back into sweats and was asleep on the couch. I woke when the door opened and glanced at the clock. 9:46 p.m.

Zach’s hair was all messed up and his face was red. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. He leaned over to kiss me and something just kicked in. I stuck my nose in his hair and breathed in deeply.

He jumped back. “Did you just smell me?”

I did. What could I say? “No.”

“You did so. What are you expecting to smell?” Zach stood with his arms crossed looking down at me. A shaft of moonlight fell through the blinds.

I didn’t know what I thought I’d smell. Chanel No. 5. Raspberry hand cream. Something that was not me. All I smelled was something salty. Sea air, maybe? “Nothing.”

That night I dreamed about an old friend. He was a friend from college who had always helped me through breakups and even rough times while Zach and I were dating. I did the same for him, feeding him chocolate chip cookies while he sprawled on my couch after breaking up with his girlfriend. I had only seen him twice since Henry was born, though we talked on the phone often. The dream wasn’t sexual at first—there was only the merest suggestion of what might happen. He took my face in his hands and brushed back my hair. He traced his finger lightly over my lip and down my neck. I gazed up at him, shivering under his touch. “Do you love me?” I asked.

“So much it hurts,” he answered.

“Then show me,” I whispered. He roughly pulled off my jeans and t-shirt and I fell back onto a bed that was suddenly behind us. The sheets felt impossibly soft under my bare skin and his lips sizzled on my skin, tracing a path from my breasts down. His tongue circled me lightly at first and then more probing. I think I may have let out a moan and my eyes flew open.

I rolled over. Zach’s face showed nothing. Was he dreaming about someone? “How did this happen to us?” I asked, knowing he wouldn’t answer; he slept soundly.

I stared at the ceiling until Henry started screaming, then I nursed him in the glider instead of bringing him to bed with me. I rocked him for an hour before putting him back in the crib. When I got into bed, Zach rolled over and threw his arm around me. He stuck his face in my hair and sighed falling into a deep sleep without ever having opened his eyes.

My friend continued to appear in my dreams, always reassuring me with a hug, looking deep into my eyes. He kissed me—hard sometimes, softly others—and held me to him. Some nights he made it past my neck again, flicking his tongue over my nipples or sliding into me with an ease that eluded me during waking hours with my husband. I felt terribly guilty at first, but after a while the dreams stopped tormenting me. I knew what they meant. I needed comfort and intimacy again. I turned to Zach. Gradually, I wove being Zach’s wife into the tapestry of our days. We made love again and once a week occasionally even became twice a week.

A few weeks after Zach came home late he arranged for his parents to babysit. They actually showed up before 8:00 p.m., so we were able to go out to dinner before I was flat on my face. When Zach got home from work, he instructed me to wear something nice. I pulled off my sweats stained with the pureed carrots Henry flung at me at lunch and stood in front of my closet in my bra and underwear trying to figure what I could possibly wear. I was still in that in between phase—maternity clothes were too big, but most of my old clothes didn’t quite fit yet.

I pulled out a stretchy black miniskirt and a low cut garnet silk tank. I grabbed a drapey black cardigan from the shelf and slipped on a pair of heels for the first time in about a year. My feet had gotten bigger during my pregnancy, so I had to really squish them in, but it was worth it when I walked out of the bedroom and Zach wolf whistled. I actually blushed, smoothing down my skirt and tucking my hair behind my ear.

“Ready?” he asked.

“Just a sec.” I dashed into the bathroom and grabbed my old scarlet lipstick. It used to be my signature color and Zach always said it made him weak in the knees when he first met me. I couldn’t remember the last time I wore it. I slicked some on and ran a brush through my hair, then twisted it up and secured it with a clip.

I kissed Henry goodbye and instructed Zach’s parents in his bedtime routine. It was amazing to me that in almost six months this was the first time they had put him to bed. “There’s a bottle of breast milk in the fridge,” I informed them just before we walked out the door. I swore I could see a brief look of disgust pass his father’s countenance. I wanted to yell, “
You
don’t have to drink it!” but I reminded myself to just breathe.

Stepping out into the cool night, Zach stuck his face in my hair and whispered, “Grace, you look like a hot librarian. And that skirt… Any chance you’re not wearing underwear?”

“Sorry, I am. But, maybe you could convince me to remove them later…” I trailed off and Zach let out a little moan.

“My pants are getting too tight. I can’t walk into a respectable restaurant with raging wood. See what you do to me, Grace?”

“So, what is this respectable restaurant we’re going to? You still haven’t told me.”

“And, I’m not going to. It’s a surprise.” He pulled a silk tie out of his pocket.

“Are you putting that on? Must be fancy for you to wear a tie.”

“Yes and yes, but first I’m going to blindfold you with it. I told you, it’s a surprise.”

It was a little disorienting riding in a car in total darkness. I couldn’t tell which direction we were headed and I even felt a bit panicked for a moment. But then, I decided to just relax and let Zach lead the way. I had to trust him completely. After about fifteen minutes we parked and he helped me out of the car. He gently removed the tie and fastened it around his own neck.

I glanced around, trying to get my bearings. It only took me a moment to realize we were at the Four Seasons hotel in Boston. We had stayed at a Four Seasons for part of our honeymoon—we couldn’t afford to stay there the whole time—and the one real meal we ate in the restaurant was the best meal I had ever had in my life, fresh-caught salmon on a bed of wilted spinach with garlic mashed potatoes. We ate peanut butter and guava jelly sandwiches in our room for lunch and yogurt and fruit or salads in the restaurant for every other meal. We couldn’t afford to both stay there and eat three meals a day.

I always told Zach that I wanted to go to the Four Seasons in Boston for just one meal, but it was never in our budget. “This is way too expensive, Zach. Let’s go somewhere else, there are a ton of restaurants around here.”

“No, let’s stay. You deserve a fancy night out, Grace. You deserve to be pampered and treated like a princess once in a while.”

“You really want to get laid tonight, don’t you?” I asked with a laugh.

“That’s my plan,” Zach smirked.

His plan worked like a charm. Dinner was amazing and driving home satiated and sleepy, I finally felt at ease—with Zach, with myself, with being away from Henry for more than an hour.

“What do you say we make a little stop?” Zach asked as he pulled off the road that snaked along the shore, taking a right down toward the water, instead of a left into our neighborhood. The Boston skyline winked and glimmered at us as we drove down the small side road into inky darkness. Zach parked next to a little jetty and tilted his head toward it. “Remember that night?”

I remembered. It was right after we got engaged. We were walking along the beach at dusk and found ourselves on this jetty. We climbed on the rocks and just stared out at the water, holding hands, not even speaking as the skyline lit up and we were draped in darkness. There was no one around and it was completely silent, except for the crickets singing. Zach pulled me on top of him and we rocked together, somehow not falling off. “I remember,” I whispered.

“Leave your underwear in the car and follow me.”

I was really grateful I was wearing a miniskirt; I simply pulled off my underwear and climbed out of the car. I didn’t even mind the chilly air blowing off the water, leaving a trail of goose bumps on my skin. Zach had me against the pile of rocks in a second, sliding his hand up my skirt. His finger worked into me and I let out a little moan. I felt myself softening up to him. He kissed my neck and whispered, “Just relax. It’s just you and me in this moment. Smell the salty air, feel the velvet night. Just breathe.”

He stroked me a little more and dropped to his knees, lifting my skirt a bit so he could fit his head under it. After a moment I pulled him up. “Now.” I undid his belt buckle. I couldn’t believe I was ready so quickly.

I unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and they dropped around his ankles. I yanked down his boxer briefs. I hadn’t felt that level of desire, that urgency, since before giving birth.

Zach hiked my skirt up and slid into me. The tightness gave way and it just felt blissful as he lifted me. I wrapped my legs around his waist. “Oh my God, Grace, you feel so good. I’ve missed you so much. I know you’ve been here, but I’ve missed you. Not just sex. I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too.” I kissed Zach hard and felt that familiar, but almost-forgotten wave cresting up in me. “Are you close?” I whispered.

“You go first. God knows you deserve it. And, I better pull out before I do anyway. Not quite ready for another baby.”

“No, not at all,” I gasped. Zach cupped my backside and pulled me even closer.

“Let it go,” he whispered into my hair. “Just let it go.”

I did and felt the release of months of emotional frustration and exhaustion, even more so than the physical release. Something just broke open inside of me and flooded me with light, erasing my doubt and fears. “I love you,” I breathed and kissed Zach tenderly.

After that night, whenever Zach worked late he called and then walked in the door when he said he would. We didn’t mention the smelling thing again, though I checked his pockets periodically. Did that make me a bad person? I never really thought he’d have an affair, but a few months later we were watching Henry rock on his knees, squealing in delight, getting ready to crawl, when I asked, “What did you do the night I smelled you?”

“So, you admit it. You did smell me.”

“Fine, I admit it. What did you do? I know you weren’t working.”

Zach leaned in close to me. “Honestly? I went to the marina and walked and walked, then I sat on that same bench that we sat on before Henry was born and thought about our lives being turned upside down or right side up and which one it was.”

“Well, which was it?”

“I think,” he paused. “It was right side up. Then I realized that I was pretty damn lucky and I better get home to my wonderful wife. Those first months had to be all about Henry. He needed you more.”

“You thought that, even though we weren’t having sex? Even though you felt like I was your roommate?”

“Yeah, I did. You know, when I got home that night I saw the nightgown I bought you tossed on the pillow and your diaphragm on the night table. I couldn’t believe that you were waiting for me and I screwed up. I felt terrible, but I also knew then we would be okay. And, I started planning for that night I took you to the Four Seasons.”

“That was a good night,” I sighed.

The sun streamed in the window, skipping off Henry’s hair, turning it copper. Outside, buds were appearing on the bare branches. “Rock-a, rock-a Henry,” I sang as he rocked back and forth on his knees, giggling.

“How does he have so much energy if he doesn’t sleep at night?” I asked Zach. “I swear he’s nocturnal, just like Hamlet. Maybe our child is part hamster.” The night before, I found Henry sitting up, shaking the bars of his crib at 2:00 a.m. I was too tired to rock him back to sleep, so I carried him to our bed.

As Henry and I curled together under the blanket, my arms around him, the exhaustion and frustration of being wakened every night hit me and I started to cry. Henry took his pacifier out of his mouth and gave me a kiss, then rested his face against mine for a moment and fell into a soundless sleep. I watched him, his chest rising and falling under his teddy bear print sleeper, his face illuminated by the golden glow of the streetlight outside our window. I breathed in his baby smell, my nose under his chin. The moment was ephemeral. It was gone in the blink of an eye, but my tears had dried.

“I think you’re right.” I opened the window to let in some fresh air. “We’ll be okay.”

A word about the author...

An award-winning writer and blogger, Stephanie Kepke writes women’s fiction with romance, humor, and heart. She resides in New York on Long Island with her husband, three sons, and two rescue dogs. You can visit Stephanie’s website at:

www.stephaniekepke.com

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BOOK: A New Life
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ads

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