A Model Romance (True Love Book 3) (17 page)

“As God as me witness, Lach. I’ll never hurt you again.”

“I know, Wick, I know. Lauren cheated on me before you. I was lying to myself thinking that she would change once we were married.”

“I was so drunk, Lach, that’s not an excuse, I know, but…”

“It’s done, Wick. Thank you for coming home.”

Dad admits that he’s been keeping tabs on me through friends.

“I must be honest, Wick’em. The men in your station have picked up word of all this somehow. Can’t imagine who’d spread such filth, but they know,” he says, looking down, knowing what it means.

It explains the attitude of everyone at the station lately. I can’t go back there; all my progress with Pam will go down the drain if I’m around that negativity. Dad is close with a chief up on North Shore, and thinks he can get me in. It’s a small town, and no one at the station will know about me or my reputation.

Chapter 16

Pam is happy with the progress I’ve made. Reconciling with my family has removed much of my stress. Even though I want to work on the trust between us as individuals, I know we can all move forward.

“You know I’m proud of you, Wick. You’ve shown a great deal of strength facing your problems head on, and look where it’s gotten you. You have a new job, a new home, and a relationship with your family again. But…” she waits, as if she wants me to finish the sentence.

“What? Spit it out, Pam, don’t start beating around the bush now.”

“Your sex life, Wick, and your emotional well-being, too. How have you been handling your sex drive?”

Oh. I had no idea that’s where she was going with this.

“Are you still feeling guilty when you have sex?”

I stay quiet.

“Come on, open up to me. This is your biggest hang-up, Wick, and it’s at the root of your problems in your life. Why bother healing your relationships if you’re not going to address the reason they were broken to begin with? Don’t you want a loving relationship in your life someday?”

“I haven’t had sex since you and I were together. I’m afraid to. It was good with you, but then I felt a lot of guilt that I had ruined so many lives with sex. I’ve done some pretty cruel things to some nice people by only listening to my dick. I only masturbate once or twice a day now.” Her mouth drops open.

“Does that seem functional to you? Do you do it for tension release, or are you sexually aroused all day long?”

“I’m not sure I’ve ever separated the two. Yes, I’m horny all day. I notice every gorgeous female body, and it stays with me until I can relieve myself. I feel like having sex all day, everyday. I thought all men did.”

“Not like this. You have to learn how to say no to your urges sometimes. That’s what maturity is all about. Remember when we had sex, the slow measured pace? It was nice, wasn’t it? You need to learn how to control your sexual impulses. If you can do that, you might be able to progress to a loving relationship with a woman. That won’t happen until you get some control.

“I have a friend who can help you. You and I have grown close, Wick, so you know how alike we are. I’ve had the same struggles as you when it comes to a
healthy
sex drive. I’m learning to control my body and my mind to feel a deeper connection, sexually. Would you be willing to meet my friend with me?”

If that’s what she taught, then by all means.

“Yeah, I’d meet her. Do we do this in a bedroom? Do we have sex with her?”

She laughs, and shakes her head.

“Oh, Wick. Meet me here Saturday morning. We’ll get started.”

* * *

“Uh,
no,
Pam. Not happening.”

She and I go to a yoga studio in her neighborhood. When we walk in, the only person here is a
guy
. In
Spandex
. To complete the picture, he’s doing a headstand.

“Get your ass in here. He won’t bite,” she laughs, and pulls me into the studio.

He sees us, and rights himself for introductions.

“Hello, Pam. Is this Wickham, I assume?” He reaches out his hand, and I reluctantly take it. “I’m Eric. Very nice to meet you.”

My head is swimming; I have no idea what’s about to happen.

“Wick, Eric is a Kundalini Yoga practitioner,” she says as if that announcement means anything to me. She sees the less than impressed look on my face, so she continues: “I’ve been studying with him for the last two years. It’s allowed me to become focused, and mindful of my body and my sexuality.”

OK, she lost me. I’m not having a three-way with her and Eric-the-yoga-man. My body language gives me away, since I’m all but backing up and running like hell out of this place. I don’t even want to discuss this in front of the dude, let alone, have him “help” me, when I don’t need any help. I’ve never had difficulty in that department, and if it ain’t broke…

“I know what you’re thinking, Wick, and it’s not like that. Other than talking about it, nothing sexual will happen in here. It’s about learning how to control your body and mind so that you can connect with the rest of the world in a deeper manner, both emotionally and physically. You’re a wreck, Wick,” Pam says, sounding frustrated with me. “Wouldn’t you like to have a relationship with someone, something other than a few empty hours at a time? We’ve discussed this. I know you’re ready to move on: Trust me, this will help if you commit to it. Are you willing to at least try? For me?”

Shit. I can’t say no to her. She been a lifesaver to me, and I still don’t really know why. She’s a wonderful person, and the best listener I’ve ever met. We’ve connected on a higher level than I have with anyone in my life. I could never talk to anyone in my family about my sexual guilt. She sees right through my bullshit, and calls me out to own it.

I know I’m too old to be living the one-night-stand lifestyle, anymore. After I made the worst decision in my life, sleeping with Lauren, the little voice in my head won’t shut the hell up. I do want something deeper with someone. Only recently have I paid attention to the other people in my life and my relationship with them. Where I used to only see the downside of having a girlfriend or wife, I now feel slight pangs of jealousy that I may not ever have that one person with whom to share my life. I can’t imagine what someone else might see in me, that would cause her to want to have a relationship. Sex has been the only way I’ve ever known to connect with women, and that connection only lasts until orgasm.

I do need help.

“OK, OK. I give. But, the second this gets weird, I’m out of here.”

She laughs at me, and we join Eric in the small studio down the hall.

Eric is sitting on a thin mat with his legs crossed. My build doesn’t allow for that type of flexibility. I probably look like I’m in pain, because I am, when I try to sit down in that position. If we have to stay like this longer than two minutes, my legs are going to fall asleep, and I’ll look like a newborn calf trying to stand for the first time when I try to get up.

“Pam has given me a brief synopsis about why you’re here, Wickham. Would you like her to leave and we can talk privately?”

“No, it’s ok. She’s knows me better than I know myself, apparently, so I’m good.”

She rolls her eyes.

“I met Pam here during a beginner yoga class she was taking with a friend. I could tell she wasn’t really interested in being here,” he smiles over at her, “and she was flirting with the men, and wasn’t really pay much attention to the instruction. After class was over, I asked her to stay for a moment. She took this to mean I wanted to have sex with her. She propositioned me as soon as the studio emptied. Sex was emanating from her pores.”

“Nice. I’ll bet it was a great thing to see,” I say to her, wiggling my eyebrows.

They don’t like the joke.

“I was a slut, Wick. My life was a mess. I was giving so much of emotional effort to patients all day, that I had no desire to get close to a man. I wanted no-holds-barred sex, but it wasn’t helping me be fulfilled in my personal life, and it was hurting. I felt used and empty, and even more emotionally exhausted afterward. I was trying to connect, but in a really screwed up way. As a therapist, I need to be mindful about what I say and how I behave, and I was living on autopilot. Eric saw that in me, and has been the catalyst that is changing my life. I saw the same in you because I know how to read the subtle cues. I saw myself in you.”

Ouch.

I silently nod my head, and stare at my feet. Shame and guilt are new emotions for me, and since Lauren, and it’s made me reflect on my life. If you believe in fate or destiny, which I’m beginning to, then I have to believe she was put in my life for a reason, just like Eric was for her.

“Well, that’s pretty much my story, too. I started having sex at a young age, and loved it,” I say with a smile, “but these girls would hang all over me, and it was annoying as hell. I learned quickly that if I cut them off fast, it made my life so much easier. Sure they would be mad as hell, but they would eventually get over it. So I thought. Some don’t and they try to make your life hell. That’s what cemented the fact that I didn’t want relationships, too much drama.

“My brother, Lachlan, loved to have girlfriends–someone to cheer him on at the games, and be there whenever he called. I don’t think he lost his virginity until college, and that would have been with Lauren,” I don’t think twice when I say it, but as I hear it come out of my mouth, I feel like I’m being stabbed in the heart. Poor Lach.

“Anyway, that’s how I ran my life until I fucked up and screwed my brother’s fiancé the week before their wedding.” I stare down, again feeling the shame. “That fucked up my life pretty good, and I haven’t been the same since. Pam has helped me see that I use sex as a block for any kind of real relationship. My fucking around almost killed me brother, and it changed me life. I carry that guilt around, and I can’t seem to let myself to have true pleasure because of it. I feel like I don’t deserve it. When Pam and I met at the bar, it was the first time I’d had sex since all that shit went down, and it was good. Really good.” I see her blush. “But the next day I felt sick. Why should I still be able to fuck around while I wasn’t speaking to me injured brother, it felt wrong.”

Thanks to Pam, that’s the first time I’ve said all of that aloud, altogether, and it hits me like a punch in the face. How could I have been so fucked up for so long, and turn a blind eye to it? In the past I would
never
have opened up about anything, let alone something this personal, to anyone, including my brother.

Eric nods, and I sense that he knows my story only too well. He’s lived the same life at some point. You can tell when someone feels sorry for you, or if they empathize with you and have been in your shoes. So here we sit. Three fucked up people, well, one and two who were, trying to make our lives better. It feels pretty damned good.

“All right, Wick. Take all of that, and mentally ball it up and throw it in the trash. It’s over and nothing can be done to change the past. You have to reflect on it, feel it, and move on. No more beating yourself up about it. Use that energy to focus on what you need to move
forward
, and stop putting yourself in reverse.” It rolls off his tongue is a sincere, but practiced, manner.

Simple words, yet powerful. Feel it, then forget it. Also, easier said than done.

“I get that, but I feel like if I forget, then I’ll make the same mistakes again. I’ve put myself through hell, rightfully, over what I did and if I fuck up again I don’t think I can handle it.”

“That’s why you’re here; it’s a step in the right direction. Focus on the good that could be done with all that negative energy being channeled in the right direction,” Pam says as she pats my barely bent, shaking knee.

“I probably could have solved world hunger by now,” I say.

“Well, maybe a bit of a stretch. How about we focus on solving the puzzle that is Wick?” she smiles warmly at me.

“OK, I’m ready.”

* * *

Eric explains that all we’re going to do today is breathe. I could have stayed home for this part. I know how to breathe.

“It’s a special type of mindful breathing, known as ‘yoga breathing’ or ‘Pranayama,’ which means to extend the life force. You will learn to breathe mindfully, and with intention,” Eric says, taking a deep inhale through his nose.

“Not with the intention to stay alive?” I joke, to a lukewarm response.

“The breath controls life, and we must learn how to control it in order to move on with our practice. Once you’ve mastered how to breathe, you can move forward.”