A Matter of Trust: Follow Your Heart (4 page)

Chapter 7

After dinner, Doug helped Allison back to the couched
and cleared all the dinner things away to the kitchen.  That done, he stoked up
the fire and returned to the couch  with two snifters of brandy and a bowl of
chocolate covered cherries and sat down close to Allison, not touching thighs,
but close enough so she could feel his body heat and enjoy the smell of him.
She thought back to the wait in the emergency room – the same but very
different. For a while, they sat in companionable silence.  This had always
been the best part of Doug’s days at the farm:  the warmth of the open fire,
the smell of the hardwood logs, the quiet of the night and the taste of the
brandy.  This was his refuge, this was his place of relaxation and peace. 

Of course on this particular night, there was an
element of unease.   He was sitting next to the woman he loved and wanted to
put his arms around her and kiss her.  But he couldn’t.  He was sure now that
the moment when he could would come – probably soon – but it had to be when she
was ready.  Then Allison reached over and took his hand. Just that, and for
several minutes there was nothing else. Then she said, “I think I can tell you
why I am the way I am.  I can only do it if you don’t say anything at all. 
Just listen. And be patient, it may take me a long time. “

Then gripping his hand like a lifeline, she did.  She
told him about her step father and the little “games” that started when she was
12 and how that even though they seemed harmless at first – a matter of touches
in private places – she knew they were wrong.  And about how, because he asked
her not to,  she didn’t tell her mother, so that when the games became more and
more intrusive, she was complicit somehow and
couldn’t
say anything.. 
She told him she had tried to get him to stop but he wouldn’t.  And about how,
when she finally told her mother, her mother thought she was making it up.  It
was when she was talking about that betrayal, she broke down and wept.  Doug
desperately wanted to hold her and comfort her, but knew he couldn’t.  That
made him weep a bit too. “It must have been terrible.”

“It was.”  Then she told about how she’d prayed for
her father to die, so that when he was killed in a car accident, she was sure
she had killed him but couldn’t tell anybody.

Doug drew breath to remonstrate, but she put her hand
over his mouth.  She’d already left that guilt behind, and didn’t want to be
interrupted before she’d reached the end, lest she not be able to carry on. 
Finally, she told Doug  that it was only  through getting to know him that she
had been able to revisit her story and get some peace about it –
intellectually  at least.  He had shown her that all men were not her
stepfather and that the abuse had been his making, not hers.  She’d learned
from Doug that all men were not abusive, and had even gone on to realize that
most men weren’t.  She’d seen in watching Cord and Betty that Doug wasn’t the
only one.

Finally she turned to Doug and said. “I love you,
Doug.  And I want to be yours in every way. I know my fear of being touched in
the ways I know you want to touch me, and indeed I want to be touched by you,
is a neurotic fear that I must get over.  And I will try.  But please be
patient with me.”

“Allison, I love you too and I will be as patient as
necessary. But let’s do everything we can to make it work as soon as possible. 
Right now, can I begin by my kissing your hand?”

“I’d love you to do that,” replied Allison, and when
he took her hand and kissed her palm, she froze for a moment, but only a
moment, and then raised their hands to her mouth and kissed his.  The pact was
sealed.

Chapter 8

Neither Doug nor Allison slept particularly soundly. 
There were things on their mind.  Allison was full of love and fear, all mixed
up and roiling about in her head.   Doug was much the same. He was so afraid of
screwing up. He wasn’t afraid of losing control.  He hadn’t done that since he
was 19.  But he wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was.  He formed a dozen
scenarios in his head, and dreamed another dozen.  But when he woke up, he was
relieved to realize that it wasn’t up to him, but to Allison. He could propose,
but Allison, like God, would dispose. 

The day dawned bright, but bitterly cold. There would
be little or no thawing, so they’d be marooned another day at least, which they
both thought was the best thing possible.  Allison’s ankle was much better,
nearly healed, and so, with it tightly bandaged, they ventured out to enjoy the
beauty of the day.  It was indeed a winter wonderland, with ice everywhere,
glittering so brightly that they had to fetch sunglasses to look at it.  The
farmhouse was festooned with icicles, which spoke to Doug of the need for
better insulation in the roof, but transformed it into a fairy castle, or at
least a Christmas card feature. 

They walked very slowly, for the going was
treacherous.  Doug asked Alison if he could put his arm around her waist to
protect her against another fall, and she hesitatingly agreed.  As before, she
had a moment of panic when he did so, but almost immediately relaxed and leaned
against him, and when her ankle began to hurt, put her arm over his shoulders
for the short walk back to the house.

Once inside, with their overcoats, boots and scarves
doffed, Allison sat on the couch while Doug built up the fire and brewed hot
chocolate with a tot of rum, and asking the question with his eyes and
receiving an assenting nod, sat next to her.  While they sipped the drink, they
talked about how beautiful it was outside and a host of inconsequential things
– everything, in fact, except what was on their minds.

Finally, when they had finished the chocolate, Doug
put their cups on the table at the end of the couch and without looking at her
asked her if he could kiss her.  Allison gave a little chuckle and said, “I
thought you’d never ask!  But be gentle. “

“Any time you want me to stop, say so.”  Doug put his
arm around her, drew her to him and began kissing her neck and ear – little
butterfly kisses – and without haste moved to her forehead and cheek.  When it
was obvious that Allison was OK with what he was doing, he turned her  face to
his, and looking into her eyes, very tenderly,  kissed the corner of her mouth,
and then when she didn’t tense up, kissed her full on the lips. After a moment,
her lips responded, and it took all the self-control Doug had not to crush her
in his arms and cover her face with kisses. It was going to be OK!

Another gentle kiss, and Allison began to kiss Doug,
his nose, his eyebrows, his temple and then, tears streaming down her cheeks,
his mouth.  She folded herself into his shoulder and sobbed. “I didn’t know it
could be like this!  All I knew was shame and violence and pain!  What a lot of
time I’ve wasted.” 

Doug just held her and let her cry herself out, and
then just said, “Don’t worry. We’ll make it up.” Then he left her, knowing that
they’d done enough for one day.

---

Through the day, they busied themselves with whatever
they could think of to busy themselves, but pausing frequently for a hug, a
caress or a kiss.  For Allison it was like discovering a new life; for Doug the
fulfillment of months of waiting.   But they both knew they had to take another
step, one that might be very difficult, and they wanted both to rush into it
and to put it off.  

But after dinner, after hot chocolate and brandy, it
was time.

Doug built up the fire and spread a duvet out in front
of it.  Then he put out his hand to Allison, who allowed him to draw her into
his arms and kiss her.  Doug sensed that it was too early for passionate
kisses, but instead drew off her sweater and T-shirt and covered her neck and
shoulders with loving kisses instead.  It was Allison who took the next step,
reaching behind her to unhook her bra so he could remove it.  When he cupped
her breasts in his hands and kissed them, Allison threw back her head and cried
out, “Yes! Yes! Please!” 

Then she pushed him away, and Doug stared at her in
consternation, but it was only so she could take off
his
sweater and
T-Shirt.  She ran her hands over his chest and stomach and said, “I knew you
were beautiful to look at, but I had no idea how beautiful you would be to
touch.”

They spent some moment exploring this newly discovered
territory and then Doug gestured to the duvet, and Allison after a moment of
hesitation lay down on it and allowed Doug to remove her slacks and then his
own.  Lying next to her, he worshipped her body with lips and tongue.  At
first, Allison lay stiffly with her eyes closed, but gradually she relaxed and
finally to respond to his touch.

When it was clear she was ready, Doug gently removed
her panties and his shorts and with infinite care entered her. She spread her
legs to let him in, and from that moment it was clear that her trust in him was
complete, and she was healed.  The contact sealed, the evening was joyfully
fulfilled, not just once, but several times as the fire gradually died down,
both in the fireplace and their bodies.

Other Novella's by Marcia Dickson

Grace of
Redoak Manor

Vic Adams,
Master of Redoak Manor