A Matter of Trust: Follow Your Heart (3 page)

Chapter 5

There didn’t seem to be any special way to begin again
other than trying lunch together.  But they certainly didn’t want to go back to
the Double Tree.   Doug asked her if she liked Indian food, having the “Taste
of India” in mind.  But Allison admitted that she was more of a “good American
food” type, so Doug suggested ‘Damn Goode Pies’, and they agreed on that.  
Since the “Sculpture at River Market” was on, she suggested that they go there
after they’d eaten.  Allison eagerly agreed. She’d been meaning to get there,
art and craft being her second interest after fashion design, and it was a
situation that lent itself to relaxed, unthreatening, but not artificially
superficial conversation.

“Allison,” said Doug, “I just want you to know that
the ball’s
always
in your court.  I don’t want to go anywhere with you
that you don’t want to go.  All you have to do is call a halt – to a topic of
conversation, to an activity, anything.  Let’s try to enjoy the journey, OK?
Without thinking too much about the destination. “

“You’re a saint, Doug, to be doing all this for me. 
The least I can offer you in return is my best. I don’t know if my best is good
enough, but it’s all I’ve got.”

“I’m no saint, Allison; I’ve got as much stake in this
as you do.”

“Maybe. But if you weren’t a saint, you wouldn’t.”

The lunch at ‘Damn Goode Pies’ was a perfect way to
begin. It was packed with shouting college students celebrating the end of
their Winter Quarter exams. It was too noisy for any serious conversation.  They
just sat across from each other at a table only just  big enough to prevent
their knees from touching, enjoying the pizzas, conversing with sign language,
body language and facial expressions.  Maybe it was the pheromones or
something, but without any significant words passing between them, there was a
melding going on. Freed from the need to think carefully about what to say,
Allison could watch, and learned a lot about Doug, just from the way he handled
the situations that came up.  He dealt with his mistake at choosing the place
at that moment with self-deprecating humor.  He was gracious when the waitress
made a mistake with the drink orders, and didn’t ogle her breasts, which were
remarkable and half on show.  As Allison began to relax and enjoy herself, Doug
was able to get glimpses of the real Allison underneath the Allison she
presented to the world.  He could see that she found the challenge - trying to
get acquainted without being able to hear more than 2 words of 10 – as
intriguing and enjoyable as he did. There was a quirky humor in there that she
rarely let people see.

Watching Doug making his way back from the men’s room,
Allison actually experienced a twinge of desire.  His body was just about movie
star quality, but it wasn’t that, that touched her; it was the way he held
himself, and the grace with which he maneuvered along the tortuous path back to
their table, waiting without any sign of impatience when somebody was in the
way, and insinuating himself into the slightest sliver of light between people
without bumping anybody.  It showed her a grace and intuitive understanding
that wasn’t in the least feminine, but certainly wasn’t part of her stereotyped
ideas about macho men. 

He was dressed with taste, too. She actually hadn’t
noticed what he had been wearing in their previous encounters; she’d actually
avoided
looking.  But today, with no need to make a comment, she could approve of what
he was wearing: chinos, snug but not tight, an almost white aqua green
boat-necked T-shirt, and a light jacket of a subdued shade of brown. 

After they left the restaurant, she actually said that
she liked his clothes, and he returned the favor by remarking that he
appreciated that she had avoided the absurdities of the current fashion –
underwear masquerading as outerwear, which you might expect a fashion person to
wear on principle - for materials, colors and lines that suited her.

As they strolled in the sculpture garden, they
discovered that they had similar likes and dislikes.  She had more tolerance
than he did for the minimalist art which was high fashion, but she was relieved
that he wasn’t contemptuous.  “You know, I tried a bit of painting when I was
at the U, and discovered that a lot of what looks easy isn’t at all.  To depict
a character in a single simple line takes talent, even if I wouldn’t want it on
my wall at home.”

When they tired of being on their feet, they sat on a
bench, discretely apart, and enjoyed ice cream cones bought from a cart. This
was the first moment when the conversation might turn more intimate, and
Allison asked about his youth.

He described growing up in a rather dysfunctional farm
family not far out of Little Rock.  “My father was a bully, but he knew how to
get his own way without violence. My mother was completely cowed and got her
emotional strokes from us kids and gave us all the support she could.  When Dad
was out, which he was most of the time in summer, there was a lot of laughter
in her eyes and we used to sing and play games. But when Dad came home all the life
went out of her face and we all knuckled under.  Dad was more abusive with the
girls than with me, controlling everything they did – the way they dressed and
even walked.  It was better after we started high school because we could stay
away from home more often.  But I could see that mother missed us when we did,
and I tried to balance things out.  Anyway, the four of us – two girls, mom,
and myself became very close – a kind of mutual support group.  I was the
youngest so stayed home longer, but eventually we all left for college.  The
girls both married young - both to very nice non-macho men.  It’s funny. People
looking at us from outside thought we were a perfectly happy family.  None of
our bruises were visible and we kept our feelings to ourselves.   What about
your family?”

“It was similar in a way,” replied Allison, and
changed the subject.   The sun was setting and they left each other at their
cars, well pleased and encouraged by the day.

Chapter 6

As Spring morphed into Summer, Allison and Doug spent
more and more time together.   Allison attended court several times to
experience a particularly difficult case in which Doug was trying to get
custody for a pair of children for their mother.  She was not an ideal mother,
having a drinking problem, which didn’t help, and the father was well-connected
in Little Rock, so that the mother’s stories of harsh treatment were not
believed.  Doug had to fight hard to persuade the judge, but he fought with a
passion driven by memories of his own childhood and won, mostly by sheer
eloquence, but also because he dug until he found a witness who corroborated
the mother’s testimony, despite the father’s attempt to intimidate her.

They went hiking together, and joined a square dancing
club.  Allison was very hesitant about that; you can’t square dance without
touching people, but Doug persuaded her to give it a try and she found that in
a formal and ritualized setting like a square dance she could manage, and
gradually to be comfortable with it, and even find it enjoyable.

By the end of the summer, it was patent that they had
become good friends.   Allison’s friend June noticed the change as it happened,
and was ecstatic.  “He’s what you need, honey! It’s beautiful to see. But he’s
not going to put up with just being friends forever – not a man with his
reputation among the ladies – so you’d better move on.”

The idea of “moving on” as June had put it, gave
Allison cold shivers, but she didn’t say that to June.

June was right about Doug, in a way. He
was
growing weary of the “just friends” bit, and wanted more. The fact was that he
had fallen in love with Allison and didn’t want to go forever without
expressing that physically.  But June was wrong that he wouldn’t “put up” with
friendship forever if he had to.  He would … if he had to.  The friendship was
coming to mean too much to him to let it go, and he knew that to move too fast
would ruin everything.  For the time being, there were still lots of willing
bodies on his address list, though not so many as he used to have, because his
basic lack of interest in the women whose bodies they were became more and more
obvious.

He kept wracking his brain for ways to “move on” in
small steps.

One came in a way that was reminiscent of the way they
had met.   They had avoided situations when they would be alone together. 
Allison, though her trust in Doug was growing steadily, was not comfortable
when there were no outside restraints on his behavior.   They had formed a
friendship with another couple in the square dancing club and by October were
spending an occasional weekend as a foursome at Doug’s family farm.  Doug had
kept the property as a bolt hole, though he had no interest in the ever more
impossible task of running a small farm.  Instead, he was working to restore the
original habitat: removing alien trees and plants, and planting things that
were known to have grown there in the past.  There was beginning to be some
wildlife on the farm, larger animals such as deer having been deliberately
reintroduced and smaller ones having migrated in as they found the habituating
increasingly suitable.

Betty and Cord were as keen environmentalists as Doug
and enjoyed getting out of the city and doing the hard physical work involved
in maintaining what was now a kind of nature sanctuary.  Allison, as a sales
lady, was too careful of her hands and complexion to enjoy field work, but she
enjoyed getting out of the city, and was happy to do the cooking and
housekeeping for the group.

They planned to spend Halloween weekend on the farm. 
Doug and Allison took the Friday off and drove out in the morning, expecting
Betty and Cord to follow after work.  Although it had been a beautiful October
morning, by lunchtime it had started to rain and by mid-afternoon the rain was
turning to ice.  The traffic department was predicting a major ice storm and
advising motorists to stay home.   The advice came too late for Doug and
Allison, and by the time Betty and Cord phoned apologetically to say they had
tried to come out, but found the roads already dangerous, Doug and Allison were
stuck on the farm – alone.

Doug could see Allison tense up, but there was nothing
he could do. He kept things active as long as he could, chopping kindling for
the wood stove and bring logs in for the fireplace.  Allison on her part busied
herself in sweeping up the dust that had accumulated since their last visit and
making the beds.

When Doug had carried the food they’d brought in from
the car, he lit the fires and set a kettle on the stove to boil.  He had never
electrified the farmhouse, which was a bonus for their situation because with
ice gathering on the lines, the power would surely fail before the day was out.
They were equipped to do without it.  There was a good supply of kerosene
lanterns for light and flashlights on hand for forays out to the privy.

Fortunately, the responsibility for providing food had
been divided up, so they had enough for a day and a half with them, which would
serve for 3 days when supplemented with the basic emergency supplies kept stocked
in the pantry.

When everything else was set up, Doug suggested that
they check out the outbuildings.  It was still sleeting, but had slackened off,
and both Doug and Allison relished the elation of being out in inclement
weather, as long as a warm dry refuge was near.  In fact, it was very beautiful
indeed.  The iced trees looked like they were decorated for Christmas, and the
sunset behind the clouds gave the sky a muted rose color that back lighted  the
stark black and white of the buildings and fences against the sleet.  Doug
started singing ‘Winter Wonderland’ and after a moment Allison joined in,
humming when she couldn’t remember the words. 

Doug desperately wanted to take Allison’s hand. It was
just so idyllic, that not to do so seemed an offense against the perfection of
the moment.   Then the ice storm, which had created the opportunity and the
beauty, gave them another gift.  Allison slid and fell, turning her ankle. 
There was no help for it, she had to let Doug help her up and when she tried to
walk, it was obvious he was going to have to help her back to the farm house. 
When he put his arm around her for support, pulling her against him, she tensed
and began to panic.  But after a moment, she was astounded to discover that she
didn’t mind. The fear and repulsion she would have felt just a few months ago
just weren’t there.  This wasn’t a man holding on to her, it was Doug.  And she
had learned that with Doug, she had nothing to fear.  And as they hobbled
along, she was filled with a new happiness. She
liked
the feel of his
arm around her. She
liked
his masculine smell, made up half of fresh
sweat and half of his woodsy aftershave lotion. When they reached the house,
she turned into his arms and gave him a hug. “Thanks so much!”  Both Doug and she
knew that she was thanking him for more than just helping her walk, but when
Doug  tried to hang on to the hug when she was finished with it, she tensed up
and blocked him.  She may have taken a step forward, but she wasn’t well yet. 
She looked into his eyes with an appeal for forgiveness and saw it there.

Allison’s ankle needed to be treated and there wasn’t
anybody to do it but Doug.  With only a tiny qualm, she extended her leg and
Doug put a hassock under her foot.  He silently asked for permission, and
receiving her nod of assent, he took off her boot and sock and cradled her foot
in his hands.  The intimacy of the situation was obvious to both of them and
Doug tried to defuse it as best he could by being brisk and matter of fact.  
Examining her ankle with his hands, he felt next to certain that nothing was
broken and after applying liniment, he bound it with a bandage from the First
Aid kit in the kitchen.  Despite his attempts to appear professional, it was a
tender moment - another step forward.  

Then they began to fix dinner together.   Doug took
the steaks out of the refrigerator and rubbed them with garlic, then peeled the
potatoes, and grated them for cottage fries, adding grated cheddar. Allison
made the salad. She wanted to do it in the kitchen, but an attempt to walk,
even with Doug’s grandfather’s cane, decided Doug to take the ingredients and
tools for salad making to her on the couch.  Doug made a salad dressing out of
lemon, pepper, chopped basil, onion, salt and a dash of balsamic vinegar.  When
the potatoes were nearly ready, Doug tossed a couple of small soaked pieces of
hickory into the stove and put the steaks on a griddle directly over the fire
for maximum heat and for the taste of hickory smoke. 

While the steaks were cooking, Doug put a card table
and two chairs in front of the fire and helped Allison to sit at the table. 
Then when finally everything was in place, he sat down and they looked at each
other.  They had been working together as if they had been married for a decade,
hardly needing to consult on what needed to be done.  They knew that something
momentous had happened in imperceptible stages and though neither was used to
praying before meals, they sent up a silent prayer of thanksgiving.  The
journey wasn’t over, but they were well on their way.