A Life Plan Without You. (70 page)

“Stop that Andrew, Sam sort your pervy brother out, I’m going
to ring Aunty Liz, and she can pop next door and tell them I’m safe
and here.” I went to his aunt’s room in a huff, shit they all think
we’ve actually been at it like oversexed rabbits well we had, but
not the actual sex thing. I got undressed, and used the phone to
ring Aunty Liz. She said it was fine she would go in and let them
know. I lay down under the sheets and I must have gone straight to
sleep, because when I woke, needing to use the toilet in the middle
of the night, Sam was fast asleep but he was having a bad dream,
sweating and thrashing around in the bed. I went to the toilet and
quickly got in at the side of him I put him in my arms and hung on
to him for dear life. He was screaming, when his Aunty came running
in, I just looked at her.

“What did he do to him, tell me please tell me so I can help
him?” She sat at the side of me.

“I don’t know? He’s never said and I know it was bad, but I’m
not sure, what he did, or he had done to him? Emma went very
strange at the time, I begged her to leave, but she never did, but
they are safe now. Just love him he will tell you eventually.” She
kissed my head and shut the door. He was crying like a baby. I held
him tightly he threw his hands around me.

“Don’t leave me please Michelle, don’t ever leave me?” I held
him.

“I’m here for as long as you need me, shush I’m not leaving
you ever.” He stopped, calmed down and slept. I lay down at the
side of him his arms came over me and pulled me closer as we
slept.

CHAPTER
13

I woke first. Sam had rolled over and was sleeping soundly.
Putting on Auntie's very fetching dressing gown, I went to see if
anyone else was up Andy was still here, I looked at the clock,
seven thirty.

“Morning, did you sleep well on there?” He looked
grumpy.

“I did until he started screaming, he hasn’t done that for a
couple of years.” I needed to ask.

“Do you know what it’s about? I asked Aunty Allison, she said
she wasn’t sure. I’m only asking because he needs help and I
haven’t a clue how or where to start. Do you know anything, Andy,
anything at all?” I hoped it wasn’t what I was actually thinking,
as he looked at me, I knew it had happened to him, his eyes were
pained and he was troubled, but had it happened to Sam
too?

“I think, no I know, it’s all the crap he has been through
with Dad, he’s beat him up really badly, and for most of his bloody
life Michelle. Once when he stepped in to help Mum, and he took a
good beating, in fact Dad nearly killed him that day and wouldn’t
let me get either of them any help, he locked us in and we managed,
to stop the bleeding and stuff, but well it was bad, really bad. I
think, shit I know they should have been seen at the hospital, Mum
especially. That’s why he isn’t that keen on fighting, and why he
doesn’t jump in feet first. He freezes and sort of blanks out. I
know there wasn’t anything more than that, the beatings were bad
though he had been getting harsher with them as we got older and as
he got drunker he didn’t care what he did to us.

He has taken a couple of blows to the head since that day they
both have, which was really bad for them both, but I got in and
just in time to stop him killing them. He was a maniac Michelle.
Mum, started the strange behaviour after that attack. Not the worst
she's had to endure at his hands, but the first time he hit her in
the head with something. Normally they were punches and kicks were
the bruising couldn't be seen. Do you think that’s got something to
do with it, these blackouts the pair of them have?” I just didn’t
know? His Father is a monster of that I'm sure.

“Two years ago, he was dumped and abandoned by the troll,
wasn’t he? That was about the last time he had a screaming fit I’m
wondering if it’s a combination of the stuff that’s been happening
over the past few weeks, not helped by me getting in these fights
and him thinking I’m leaving him too. Shit my fault again.” He was
smiling at me.

“Shut up, I always blame myself too it’s always my fault at
home.” Sam was up and in a grumpy mood too.

“I thought you had left me, Michelle.” I smiled.

“I didn’t leave you, were still in the same house, I’m going
back to bed for a while. Jimmy and I don’t have to be in until
eleven. See you later Andy and thanks.” I went back followed by my
in lamb in tow, Andy left for work.

“What did you thank him for?” Knowing he listened in to
conversations I told him the truth.

“You had a bad night and kept the house up, with your
screaming and crying. Please sit on the bed and talk to me you were
inconsolable, sweating, hitting out and frightened. Please don’t
shut me out I have to be able to help you, let me help you, I love
you and I’m not leaving you. It will be you who gets fed up and
leaves me.” He was on the bed and asked me to sit between his legs
so I did as he asked and he put his arms around my shoulders
hugging me. We sat for an age until he started to talk.

“I don’t know why I scream and have these awful nightmares,
and in them I’m about four and Dad hits me he hurts me and then he
hits Andy. Then Mum is falling down the stairs and he tells me I’m
next. Then Andy is covered in blood and Jimmy is crying in his
pram. Mum can’t wake up, he kicks her and… Then he leaves us alone.
That nightmare baby I have had forever, not all the time just when
I am stressed or when he Dad has a go at Mum or James. I don’t know
if it was a real thing that I’m replaying, or just a nightmare
Michelle, honestly. The beating Andy talked about was as bad as all
the others were though that time she left me all alone in the room
with him and he did things to me, but…” He cried into my shoulder.
He composed himself a little, and continued the awful
tale.

“Mum left leaving me in the room with him alone she just
walked away and left him to it. She left me alone with the monster,
but he had just beaten her too. I think he beat me up again, he did
some funny things, but I really don’t remember my head hurt so
much. He beat me with his belt too and that hurt really hurt, but
Andy came in and hit him with a cricket bat.” He laughs at that as
the tears continue to flow, me I'm shocked. “I think he did some
bad damage to her head that day? She has lesions on her brain when
he pushed her down the stairs last time, the hospital discovered it
on scans she’d had done, they said it had done her harm… Sorry I
didn’t think I still had the nightmares, if I do nobody’s mentioned
them before you just did.”

“I mentioned it because it upset the crap out of me. You were
like a baby crying, I couldn’t do anything only tell you I wasn’t
ever going to leave.” I waited for him to talk but he didn’t he
just pulled me up to meet mouth and he kissed me with a force he
hasn’t used before… Rough and not at all as nice as his other
kisses. “Whoa, Sam stop that. I’m not sure if I like being kissed
like I’m being punished for seeking out the truth from you?” He
threw me flat on the bed and got on top of me.

“I will never leave you ever don’t say that, I want you now I
need to prove how much you mean to me.” I threw him off me. He had
changed in the blink of an eye, this Sam I didn’t like he had a
horrid look in his eyes.

“Having sex with you when your punishing me, I will not and I
don’t want to do. What’s got into you Sam? Why have you changed
what did I say? I told you, I would never leave you, you would push
me away.” I put on my clothes and put the things back in the bag. I
put my trainers on and headed for the door.

“So you’re leaving me then?” I looked at him.

“You’re pushing me away, I’m not leaving, and you promised my
first time would be memorable, what for exactly… Being raped?” I
left and no I didn’t look back, I needed some space and to get to
college, I needed to calm down.

Shit… I have monumentally screwed up; may God forgive me, I
was going to force myself on my baby… She had said no, and yet I
still went after her. I followed her out of the door, but she was
nowhere in sight, my baby sure can run and fast too. Jimmy, shit
will he actually help me? I sit on the bed and try to think what
I’ve done Christ what did I do? Why did I do it? I can’t remember
what I did but did I hurt her? I fell asleep, waking when Jimmy
came to get Michelle up for class, waking me instead! I looked at
him.

“Jimmy help me please? I’ve screwed things up and big time.”
I'm crying and sobbing uncontrollably. He sat on the bed and hugged
me.

“What did you do and where is Michelle? What did you do to be
like this? Did she do something to you? Sam bloody tell me now.” I
explained what I thought I’d done. He looked at me, a look of
confusion and hurt in his face, he hates me too.

“You did that to her, her of all people, I knew you’d fuck up
and go back to being your old self!”

“No, no, no I didn’t I have never done that before ever, she
was leaving me, I was angry I didn’t want to hurt her, I didn’t
hurt her, I can’t fucking remember, what I did I just know she left
me, she left me Jimmy she can’t leave me, I fucked up, please help
me get her back. Please get her to talk to me, tell her I will do
anything please!”

“Write it all down in a letter; I will take it to her. She
may not read it! If she does; she’s going to have to believe what
you write, you mean Sam.” I took a pad and paper from Auntie’s
bedside drawers and wrote a note. I made it simple and hoped it
would be fine. I put it in an envelope and gave it to
him.

“I'll tell her you’re sorry and you know you have messed up
Sam but, shit what the hell were you thinking?”

“That’s the whole thing, I wasn’t thinking, I was tired and
confused and I just can’t explain what and why I did it, it all
happened so damn fast.” After a long, long morning, I dress and go
to town and as I look in the jewellers window I see the sweetest of
rings and I want her to know I’m sorry truly sorry, so I go and buy
it, it’s got her birthstones set in a gold butterfly, it looks so
pretty, is has Amethysts, with diamonds and sapphires, all her
jewellery should have sapphires in it. I have it engraved ‘M, you
are my life, S’. I head to college to see if she can forgive me! I
don’t deserve it, but I just hope she does

I could only hope she reads it at the steps, the place she
always goes to when I mess up, the place where she stops to think
before she explodes and this was a mess of my making again. I
waited at the top of the hill, hidden from sight! She was walking
towards the steps as I get there. I walked quietly down and sat
down! She is crying. I’m so sorry baby. She stops to read the
letter again and is reading the letter aloud, over and over! Please
forgive me baby you have to…

That wasn’t Sam, but it was Sam? I didn’t much want to see
that Sam again. I walked to school from his Aunts mad as hell,
angry and so pissed off, no tears though? I got to college still
angry, I went to the gym locker rooms, put my things in the locker,
and had a quick shower. Took my pill from the spare pack I have
here, in my rush to get out I have lost the others. Bummer I need
more.

I put on my winter tracksuit bottoms. My spare top and left my
things in there, I went and did my exam. My English language paper
is now over and done with it too was easy enough. Jimmy waited for
me when we got out of the exam. He handed me a letter. I snatched
it from him he knew I was angry.

“Have you read this?” He shook his head, as I shouted at
him.

“No Michelle I haven’t he was in pieces when I left him, he’s
sorry and he knows he’s screwed up, big time. He’s so messed up
confused and oh so angry at himself.”

I thanked him, with a hug and apologised, he looked upset too.
He didn’t have to tell me Sam was upset, I knew he would be. That
wasn’t Sam, that Sam was dark, that was the part of him that Dennis
had screwed with. I didn’t ever need that part of Sam in my life
but it was there, whether I like it or not. I went to the steps to
read it.

Missy,

I’m sorry please know that I am and from the bottom of my
heart. I’m not sure what was going through my stupid mixed up head.
I need you in my life, please Mi cielo don’t run out of it? I can’t
apologise enough. I just blanked out, and well and as a result you
were hurt by my mindless actions, a lack of sleep and a dark and
confused dream, combined with my absolute fear of you leaving me
caused me to not think and attack you may God forgive
me.

What I could have done to you was unthinkable, I nearly
forced myself on you and for that, alone you should run… I will do
anything, anything to make this right. Please look back and say you
love me. I need you to know, how truly sorry I really am. I need
you in my life not running from it. That will never happen again, I
swear Mi cielo. Please say you will give me a chance to explain
just how much I love you, always, and hopefully forever yours. Sam
x

I could see him writing this with tears in his eyes. He was
right this wasn’t like him this was like nothing I’d seen before.
Well apart from the look, he had when she came towards him in the
pub, her, Janet picture girl. He had the same look of sheer hatred
in his eyes, that was what had frightened me the most, gone the
gentle loving kind man I knew and I knew loved me, in his place
evil Sam.