A Late Divorce (2 page)

Then we had gym it's the class I hate most because the teacher always picks on me for not touching my toes or raising my arms high enough when my turn came to jump over the horse I went around it at the last second and ran my hand over it when they raised it higher I didn't even try I just dragged along at the end of the line and let the other kids pass me. The gym teacher called me over try Gaddi he said I'll help you I said I can't. If you'd lose some weight you could jump he said so I said it's not the food it's my glands there's something wrong with them. What glands he said who put that into your head? So I explained to him about the glands that make me fat the doctor said so he even gave me a note at the beginning of the year that I wasn't supposed to jump. The gym teacher gave me such a hopeless look that it's a wonder I didn't cry I usually do when he starts up but today he was too tired to yell maybe because it was almost spring vacation. All he said was they'll get you in the army then he blew his whistle and said now choose teams for dodge ball. I was chosen last and counted out first so I went looking for a stick again I found a short iron rod that I hid behind a fence I hoped it would rain some more so that gym might end early.

At last the bell rang and we went inside to set our desks for the seder we spread them with sheets and took out the matzos and the wine and the lettuce from our schoolbags and put them on the sheets. The music teacher came with her accordion to play Passover songs and we sang and when she went to the next class for them to sing too we said The Four Questions and the blessing for the wine and some other stuff and picked up the matzos and put them down and wrapped them in the lettuce and picked them up again and ate them. I even drank the wine dad gave me at first I made a face but something made me drink it and I finished it all and suddenly felt a bit drunk. Honestly. I even ate Ido's matzo and lettuce because he didn't want them.

Then we cleared our desks it was vacation by now because tomorrow we only get report cards. I was so drunk I nearly fell down the stairs I went to my hiding place and took the iron rod and walked slowly home by way of my old kindergarten I stood by the window and looked at the room with all the toys I knew so well and at the teacher who used to be mine sitting on a little chair and telling all the little kids a story it was dumb and for babies but I listened anyway because I remembered it except for the end the parents stood around me with raincoats for their children they kept pushing me 'cause they wanted to hear too so I walked up the street a bit and sat down on the fence to see what would happen just then the boy from 3A came out of the alleyway from school he said goodbye to some older kid who went into his house and started walking toward me. When he saw me on the fence he stopped to think for a second then he crossed to the other side of the street and smiled to himself as soon as he got close still watching me I jumped down and pulled the rod from my coat all at once he was running shouting you fat Boxer I chased him but he was too fast he kept gaining on me all of a sudden he tripped by the time he got up I had grabbed his schoolbag I tore the strap with one pull I knew then I was right he was weaker than me I knocked him back down and threw myself on him because my weight was my strong point he tried biting me but couldn't I swung the rod because I meant to kill him maybe now. But a grownup standing by ran up and grabbed me that's enough he said you should be ashamed of yourself hitting little children I started to cry let me go he's older than me he had already squirmed free he was crying too he was really freaked out there was blood on his face he barked like a dog you fucking Boxer you he picked up a stone from the ground that's enough you two the grownup said he took the rod away and tossed it into an empty lot he gave the kid a push go home he said he kept his grip on me let me go I said it was raining so the last rain wasn't the last after all maybe this was. The boy from 3A walked up the street he was crying he was scared of his own blood he kept cursing me I sat down on the fence to dry my face and wait till he was gone the children came out of the kindergarten all the way home I walked close to a neighbor of ours who had come to get her child.

Mom opened the door. Shh shh she said grandpa's still sleeping what took you so long? I need you she said. I had forgotten all about grandpa she didn't even see the mud and the tears. She was nervous not like herself the baby lay in the playpen in the middle of the living room and cried Di Di when she saw me that's her name for me so I went to give her a pacifier but mom said don't touch her you're filthy go wash and come quick to eat I need you today so I went to wash up and saw my red eyes in the mirror and thought of the kid squirming under me how he cried I dried my hands and went to eat.

Have you been crying mom asked. What made you think that I said. Did anything happen? No nothing. I had made up my mind not to tell her because she tells everything to dad.

“Don't eat so fast.”

The house was quiet only the baby talking to a toy.

“Has grandpa been asleep all the time?”

“Yes. He's very tired from the trip and from the difference in time. What happened in school today?”

“Nothing.”

“Don't eat so fast. Did you have your seder?”

“Yes.”

“What did you do in it?”

“Nothing.”

“What do you mean, nothing? Didn't you sing? Didn't you say any prayers?”

“Yes.”

“Then why do you say nothing? Where are you going?”

“Just to feed the worms.”

“Leave them alone now. First finish eating.”

“It'll just take a minute.”

I went to look at my silkworms a new one had spun a cocoon in the night so I put it aside and gave the others fresh mulberry leaves. Since I started second grade mom can't handle me anymore she lets me do what I want she isn't strict with me like dad. I went back to the table it was really storming outside the telephone rang it must be dad he always checks up at this time of day to see if I'm home. The baby started crying go take care of her said mom I went to her there there I said but still she cried I blew out my cheeks and made a mouth-fart to get her to laugh she stopped crying at once and looked at me her blue eyes full of tears she even smiled a bit then changed her mind and cried some more so I made a mouth-fart again.

Mom was arguing on the telephone lately they argue all the time she hung up she came and picked up the baby she took her to the bathroom to change her I followed her there. The baby had a little yellow crumb of BM.

“Is that all you've got for us?” asked mom disappointed but the baby didn't answer her. She just kicked her feet fast in the air.

“The baby will be fat too.”

“She isn't fat. All babies are like that. And stop calling her the baby, she has a name ...”

“Dad calls her the baby too.”

“You're not your father and not everything your father does is right. Stop calling her the baby. She has such a sweet name.”

I didn't say anything.

“Why do you keep putting your hand on your chest?”

“My heart kind of hurts.”

“Your heart? Show me where.”

I opened my shirt and showed her.

“That's not where your heart is.”

“Then where is it?”

She showed me. I moved my hand there.

“Right. That's where it hurts.”

“You're being silly.”

“No, I mean it.”

“Since when?”

“It kind of always has.”

“It's nothing. You had gym today.”

“It's not gym, that's for sure.”

“Do you want me to take you to the doctor?”

“Okay.”

“What are you doing this afternoon?”

“Nothing.”

“I have to go somewhere.”

“Where?”

“It's not important. To do some shopping. You'll look after Rakefet.”

“But I have to go somewhere too.”

“Where? What are you talking about?”

“To pick mulberry leaves.”

“You can pick them later. It's raining now anyway. Rakefet will go to sleep soon, I kept her up purposely this morning so that she should have a Jong nap. She won't bother you.”

“What if she cries?”

“She won't. And if she does let her have a pacifier, you can always quiet her down. Make one of those funny faces that she likes. Be a good boy, Gaddi, I know you can be.”

I walked out of the bathroom.

She diapered the baby as fast as she could she put her in her crib she dressed quickly and put a bowl of clean pacifiers on the living-room table and some crackers and a bottle of water and some old keys that Rakefet likes to chew on even three diapers though she told me not to lift her if I had to I should wake up grandpa.

“Does he know how to take care of babies?”

“Of course. He's going to have one soon himself.”

“Where?”

“Never mind.” She was already sorry she had told me.

“But where?”

“In America.”

“How come?”

“He's going to have one.”

“But why?”

“He's going to. What difference does it make?”

She hugged me.

“All right, Gaddi, I'm going. He'll wake up soon but don't bother him. Rakefet is sure to sleep. If she cries give her a pacifier and she'll fall asleep again. Just don't touch her with dirty hands.”

She seemed awfully nervous.

“Will you bring me something?”

“What?”

“An airplane.”

“All right.”

“An airplane, not a helicopter, because I've already got one. You know the difference?”

“Of course.”

“Why did he cry last night?”

“Grandpa? Because it's been years since he's seen us. Since he's seen you.”

“But why did he cry?”

“From excitement. From joy. You can cry from joy too.”

She was sad she always is but now she was sadder. She turned off the heater you'll be warm enough without it she kissed me and left she said she'd be back in two or three hours. I went to the kitchen and opened the fridge to see what was in it I looked in the pantry not that I was hungry but just in case I found some nuts and chocolates that dad had bought to eat by the TV after supper and put them on the table. It was quiet in the house I turned on the TV there was nothing but lines I turned it off. I took my cars from the drawer and arranged them all in a row. Suddenly I stopped and went to look at grandpa I stood by the door and heard nothing so I opened it a crack and saw the darkness and the open suitcase just like in the morning and grandpa crumpled in bed as though his head wasn't part of his body. On the table was the welcome sign with the flowers that I'd made him. I closed the door I went to my room the baby was sleeping just then she turned and sighed all funny like an old woman who's had a tough life I took the box of silkworms and left. I took a worm and put it on the fire engine and gave it a piece of mulberry leaf for the ride and drove it around to see how it would feel. Suddenly the phone rang it was Uncle Asi from Jerusalem he wanted grandpa he couldn't believe it when I said he was sleeping what he fell asleep again? He never woke up I said mom's not home. Do you want me to wake him he thought for a minute no he said he'd call again tonight. I wrote Asi on the pad by the phone I picked up the worm it had dropped off the fire engine and put it back in the box I took out another and put it in the helicopter and gave it a piece of leaf too and flew it to the kitchen.

There I drank some juice and ate some of dad's nuts it was rainy and gray out a real winter day what kind of seder would it be. The worm wanted out of the helicopter I gave it a little bit of nut it didn't eat so I pushed it back in and flew it to mom and dad's room where I pulled down the blinds and took out a blanket and lay on the bed with the helicopter beside me. I pulled out the little ladder and that fat white worm that I call Sigal actually slid down it onto the white blanket and poked around there among the lumps it must have thought it had landed on the moon. The phone rang again I picked it up dad's put a telephone in nearly every room. It was him he was really surprised to hear that grandpa was still sleeping he's spaced out he said I said maybe he's sick. Suddenly he asked where are you now what telephone are you talking from he can always sense where I am and what I'm doing even when he's far away. So I said I'm talking from the phone in your room what are you doing there he asked I said nothing don't tum the house upside down he said maybe you'll lie down and rest. Maybe I said. And I tried dozing off because the house was so quiet the dark rainy outside made me want to sleep or maybe it was the queer wine I had drunk. All at once though the baby started crying at first she only whimpered dad's calling and being upset must have waked her so I waited for her to stop because sometimes she does if it's just a bad dream like that someone's stolen her bottle or something like that. And she did but soon she started again even louder she cried and cried in the quiet house it was up to me to do something so I got off mom and dad's bed and went to our room and stuck the pacifier in her mouth.

She didn't want it though she wanted to cry she spat it out so I put it back in she shook her head and tried throwing it away so I grabbed her head gently and stuck it in her mouth and held it there until she got used to it like mom does she froze for a minute and looked at me wondering what to do next she really did begin to suck too she sucked more and more as though she had no choice but then she got tired and threw it down as soon as I took my hand away she started to cry again she wouldn't take it anymore she fought it all red with anger. There there I said stop that crying but she just cried even harder. So I left the room and shut the door behind me and let her cry I looked at my watch to make sure that she didn't do it too long dad once explained to mom that when you think the baby's been crying forever it's only five minutes if you can bear to let her cry for five minutes more she'll stop by herself. I turned on the radio and went to the kitchen I shut the door to keep from hearing but just then the telephone rang it was Uncle Tsvi from Tel Aviv he's not so serious like Asi he chats with me and asks me things he asked me now too how I felt and what happened in school and what were my plans for the vacation and I answered everything because I know he really cares it's a fact that he remembers even long after meanwhile I kept hearing the baby's screams who's screaming there he finally asked it's little Rakefet I said. Is your mom with her? No mom isn't home I'm all alone with grandpa. He thought it over all right he said let me talk to the old man he's sleeping I said all right then he said don't wake him go take care of Rakefet it breaks my heart even in Tel Aviv to hear her crying in Haifa you're a terrific kid he said he'd call back at night.