A Hopeful Heart (2 page)

Hannah crossed the kitchen and family room and stood in the doorway to her bedroom.
A wave of grief crashed over her as she studied her double bed and frowned.

“Gideon,” she whispered, her voice trembling with emotion. “I’m so thankful for the
life we shared and for the brief amount of time God gave you on his earth. And I’m
thankful for our wonderful
kinner.
But I can’t stop the loneliness that haunts me every day.”

She crossed the room and touched the pillow on what had been his side of the bed.
“I’m most lonely at night when I’m trapped in here with my thoughts. You took my heart
with you when you left. I don’t know how to fill the hole that’s left where my heart
used to be.” She wiped an errant tear from her cheek. “I’m exhausted. It’s so difficult
keeping up with my job at the hotel and raising these
kinner
without you. When you were here, we had a balance. I didn’t feel so scattered and
unsure of myself. There are times when I’m lost, and I wish you were here to help
me make decisions about the
kinner
and about our life. Sometimes I’m so confused. I’m not the same person I was when
you were here. I feel as if I lost part of myself when you left. We all miss you,
and we all need you. I miss you, Gid. And I love you.”

She then climbed the stairs toward her children’s bedrooms and sent up a prayer to
God, asking him to guide her and rid her of the sadness in her heart.

Later that evening, Amanda snuggled under their quilt and looked at her sister beside
her. “How’s your book?”

“
Gut.
” Lillian turned the page while reading by the light of a battery-operated lantern.

Amanda yawned and rolled over to face the wall. It seemed nearly every night she fell
asleep while her sister was reading a Christian novel. They were technically twins
born only a few minutes apart, but their similarities ended there. For one thing,
Lillian was the only one blessed with their mother’s coloring. And for another, while
Lillian could often be found with her nose in a book, Amanda had other interests—secret
interests.

Amanda’s eyes moved to her bureau where her secret book was hidden in the bottom drawer
under her stockings and underwear. She’d picked up a copy of
The Veterinarian’s Manual
at the bookstore located across from the deli during her lunchtime last week. She
managed to hide it in the tote bag she carried to work every day and then hide it
in her bureau. Amanda stole a few private moments perusing the book, but she didn’t
dare tell her family of her dream of going to college and becoming a veterinarian.
She hadn’t even shared her secret with the vet across the street because she was afraid
no one would understand why an Amish girl would want to pursue a career as a veterinarian.
Yet she yearned to cross to the other side of the room, grab her special book, and
read alongside her sister.

Amanda heard her sister’s book close and hit the nightstand. A click told her that
the lantern had been turned off for the night. The bed shifted as Lillian moved under
the covers.

“I wish
Mamm
didn’t have to work.” Lillian broke the silence between them.

“You know why she took the job.
Onkel
Josh needs help with the horses, and Andrew is too small to do the heavy work.” Amanda
cupped her hand to her mouth to stifle a yawn. Exhaustion gripped her after a day
on her feet at the deli.

“
Ya
, but she belongs at home,” Lillian continued. “Even
Mammi
said that to me after service Sunday.”

“
Mammi
should understand that
Onkel
Josh and
Mamm
made the decision together. Besides, I think it’s
gut
for
Mamm
to get out of the
haus
and away from the memories. I’ve caught her crying when she thinks she’s alone, and
it breaks my heart. Maybe the Lord led her to the hotel so she could find some joy
again. Everything happens for a reason.”

“I don’t know.” Lillian paused. “Andrew wasn’t
froh
today when I made him help me fold the laundry. I needed someone to help because
I was falling behind and had to start supper. He helped me, but you should’ve seen
his face.”

Amanda smiled. “I can imagine. He’d much rather be out in the barn with
Onkel
Josh.”

“Do you think Andrew might take over the horse business someday?”

“He might.” Amanda yawned again. “But you never know what the Lord has in store for
him.” She felt herself drifting off to sleep, but her sister’s voice wrenched her
awake again.

“Do you think
Onkel
Josh loves
Mamm
?”

“What?” Amanda tried to decipher the implication of her sister’s words. “What do you
mean?”

“You heard me. Do you think
Onkel
Josh is in love with
Mamm
?”

“You mean like how
Dat
loved her?” Amanda couldn’t help her grimace. The idea was preposterous.

“
Ya
, that’s exactly what I mean.”

“I don’t know.” Amanda rolled over and faced her sister through the dark. “Why would
you even think that?”

“I’m not sure. It’s a feeling I get sometimes. He stares at her like he’s watching
a miracle happen before his eyes.”

Amanda snorted. “That sounded poetic, Lily. When did you start writing poetry?”

“I’m being serious.” Lillian’s voice held no hint of a joke.

“I don’t know. I guess anything’s possible, right? Maybe
Onkel
Josh cares for her.”

“Haven’t you ever wondered why he never married?”

“Not really.
Mamm’s aenti
Fannie never married either. Some people don’t meet the right person, I guess.” Amanda
rolled back toward the wall. “It’s late. You need your sleep.”

“I miss
Dat.
” Lillian’s voice was soft, like an unsure child.

“I do too. But God will take care of us and guide our path. He always does. Now, go
to sleep, Lillian. You have to help teach tomorrow.” Amanda drifted off to sleep while
contemplating her sister’s question about their uncle.

W
ednesday morning the elevator dinged and the door opened to the third floor with a
hum. Hannah pushed the supply cart and vacuum cleaner around the corner toward the
first hallway of rooms. When she spotted the man whose room she’d barged into on Monday,
her stomach dropped. He was patting his pockets and his mouth formed a thin line.

Hannah turned the cart around in an attempt to slip away to the other end of the hall
and avoid all contact with him. She failed to escape, however, because she was stopped
mid-stride by a voice behind her.

“Excuse me. Could you possibly help me?”

When she faced him, his lips turned up in a tentative smile.

Hannah studied the man and wondered why she hadn’t switched floors with Linda today
to escape more uncomfortable contact with him. “
Ya
, I can help you. What do you need?”

“I’ve lost my room key.” He shook his head. “My wife always said I’d lose my head
if it wasn’t attached, and she was right.” He chuckled and his eyes sparkled with
humor.

Hannah smiled, even though embarrassment filled her. He was clad in a collared shirt
and dress slacks, but her impure
thoughts kept creeping back to the sight of him without a shirt. How would she ever
erase that from her memory?

“Of course.” Hannah crossed to the hotel room while keeping her eyes trained on the
door. She pulled out the master card key and unlocked the door. “Have a good day.”
She started toward the supply cart.

“Hannah?” he asked.

“
Ya?
” Hannah studied his brown eyes, wondering how he knew her name. Of course he knew
her name; it was displayed on her uniform. She touched the gold nametag pinned to
her work apron and immediately felt stupid.

“I’m Trey.” He held out his hand. “Trey Peterson.”

She shook his hand quickly and then pulled her hand back to her side. “Nice to meet
you, Mr. Peterson.”

“I didn’t see you yesterday.”

“I wasn’t here.” She fingered her apron. “I work Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.”
Why was he so interested in her name and her work schedule?

“Oh.” An awkward moment passed between them. He looked to be in his early forties,
and had sandy blond hair and a matching goatee trimmed neatly around his mouth. He
glanced behind him and chuckled again. His laugh was warm, much like his smile. “I
see the key sitting in front of the television set. My wife was right. I
would
lose my head if it wasn’t attached.”

“Wives usually are right.” The comment escaped her lips before she could stop it,
and she mentally chastised herself for the sarcastic remark.

Trey raised his eyebrows as a burst of laughter exploded from his lips. “I didn’t
expect a comeback like that from you.”

“I’m sorry. My husband used to warn me to watch my pert
remarks, so I guess we’re even.” Hannah looked past him and spotted a framed photograph
sitting on the dresser next to the large flat screen television. The photograph featured
an attractive woman standing with her arms around a teenage girl. “Is that your family?”

His smile faded. “Yes.” He stepped into the room and picked up the photograph. His
eyes studied it as if seeing it for the first time.

She watched him from the doorway. “You have a nice family.”

“Yes, I did.” He shook his head and put the photograph down next to the television.
“They died a little over a year ago.”

Hannah gasped. “
Ach
, no. I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks.” Mr. Peterson cupped his hand to the back of his neck. “Carbon monoxide poisoning.
I was out of town on business.” He turned back toward the photograph. “I never imagined
that could happen to me. We had smoke detectors, and I thought our carbon monoxide
detectors were up-to-date. I’d changed the batteries recently—or at least I thought
I had. But apparently it wasn’t enough.”

His eyes met hers. “Some nights I can’t sleep because I wonder over and over again
if I could have done something if I’d been there. But I’ve spoken to people who insist
that carbon monoxide is a silent killer. It’s odorless. Corrine and Sammi died peacefully
in their sleep, and if I’d been there, I would’ve died too. But that gives me little
comfort.” His frown deepened. “I’ll never understand why I was left here without them.
All alone.”

Hannah nodded slowly, stunned by his openness with her. “God’s will is unpredictable
and often takes us by surprise.” She thought of Gideon and her lip quivered. She took
a deep breath in an effort to stop her threatening tears. “And it can knock us
down and take our breath away, leaving us wondering why. But asking why will only
drive you mad. You have to accept that his will is always right, no matter how painful
it is.”

Mr. Peterson studied her. “You sound like you speak from experience.”

“My husband died four years ago.”

Trey took a step toward her. “I’m so sorry, Hannah.”

The warmth in his eyes caught her off guard. Hannah cleared her throat in an effort
to temper her emotions. “He had a massive heart attack. His brother found him in the
pasture, but by the time the ambulance arrived it was too late. Nothing could be done.”
She thought back to that day in the hospital waiting room. “I felt as if the life
had been sucked out of me when the doctor told us he was gone. Every dream we had
and every promise we made to each other disappeared in that moment. Nothing would
ever be the same. My children had lost their father, and I’d lost my life partner.
It was all just gone in the blink of an eye.”

“I’m so sorry.” He repeated the words with just as much empathy as the first time
he’d said them. “How many children do you have?”

“Three.”

“How are they doing?”

Hannah shrugged. “They manage. We all miss him, but we just go on and hold fast to
our faith. It’s not our place to question God.”

“You’re right, but you said it yourself. Sometimes it’s not easy.”

“No, it’s not—especially when I’m left alone with my thoughts late at night when I
can’t sleep. I keep wondering what life would be like now if he hadn’t died. What
if I’d walked out to the pasture to check on him that day? What if Joshua had found
him a
few minutes earlier and I’d called 9-1-1 a few minutes sooner?” Hannah paused when
she realized she’d shared thoughts that she’d never even said aloud to family members
or her closest friends. “But I hold fast to my prayers, and I pray often.”

“I understand.” Mr. Peterson’s serious expression transformed to a smile. “I pray
often. I think God’s tired of hearing from me.”

“I don’t think God ever gets tired of hearing from his children.” She spotted the
time on his watch and realized she was running behind. She needed to start cleaning
or her boss would scold her. She gestured toward the supply cart. “I need to get back
to work. I hope you have a good day.”

“You too. Thanks for rescuing me from being locked out in the hallway.”

“You know you could’ve gotten a new key from the front desk.”

“I could have, but it was nice talking to you, Hannah.”

“
Ya
, it was nice talking to you too.” She started toward the cart. “I hope you keep track
of your key.”

“I do too.” He laughed. “See you later.”

Hannah pushed the supply cart toward the other end of the hallway and contemplated
her conversation with Trey Peterson. She couldn’t fathom the pain he’d endured when
he found out that his wife and daughter had both died from carbon monoxide poisoning.
How would Hannah have coped with losing her whole family at once? The thought caused
her to shudder.

She knocked, announced herself, and unlocked the door to an empty room. She pushed
the vacuum cleaner into the room while she thought about Mr. Peterson. She wondered
how he managed to keep a smile on his face despite his pain. She assumed that his
prayers and faith were his strength.

Hannah clicked the on button and the vacuum cleaner roared to life. She pushed the
machine back and forth, dragging the suction over the tan carpet. She wished the noise
would silence her thoughts and her curiosity to know more about Mr. Peterson’s life
and spiritual journey after losing his wife and daughter.

After bowing her head in silent prayer, Hannah glanced across the break-room table
toward her coworker Ruth Ebersol. “How’s your day going?”

The older woman shrugged and pushed back a lock of graying brown hair that had escaped
her prayer covering. “It’s the usual. Messy rooms and dirty carpets.”

“
Ya
, the same every day.” Hannah pulled out her sandwich and apple. “Where is everyone
else?”

“I think they’re on their way.” Ruth took a bite of her homemade bread. “Did you have
a
gut
morning?”

“
Ya.
” Hannah thought about her conversation with Trey Peterson while chewing her turkey
sandwich.

Ruth’s mild stare intensified. “You look like you have something interesting to share.”

Hannah sipped her cup of water while considering what to share with Ruth. Although
she’d worked with her friend for almost six months, she didn’t know how Ruth would
react to her conversation with an
Englisher.

“Now I’m intrigued.” Ruth smiled. “Did you walk in on another half-naked hotel guest?”

“I can’t believe you’re bringing that up again.” Hannah shook her head. “I never should’ve
confided in you and Linda.”

Ruth chuckled, and her chubby cheeks turned red. She wiped her eyes with a napkin.
“Don’t be
gegisch.
We all make mistakes. When I first started here years ago, I re-cleaned an empty
room that I’d cleaned the day before after the guests had left.”

“Oh, no!” Hannah laughed. “I bet it was very clean after the second run through,
ya
?”

“Absolutely.” Ruth tapped the table for emphasis. “Now, what happened to you today?
You look as if you’re bursting at the seams.”

“If I tell you, then you have to promise to keep it a secret. It’s about the guest
I walked in on the other day.”

“The
Englisher
without a shirt on?”

“That’s the one. I saw him today in the hallway. I was hoping to avoid him, but he
was standing outside his door because he’d lost his key. I unlocked his room, and
then we had an unexpected conversation.” Hannah shared what she and Mr. Peterson had
discussed. While she talked, she frequently glanced toward the door and hoped her
other coworkers wouldn’t walk in.

Ruth continued eating her bread and cheese while Hannah repeated the conversation
from earlier in the day.

Once Hannah was finished talking, Ruth wiped her mouth and shook her head. “I’m sorry
to hear Mr. Peterson lost his family. That’s a tragic story. So
bedauerlich.
”

“I know. I thought my pain was daunting, but he lost his whole family. I can’t stop
thinking about it.”

Ruth tilted her head. “What’s got you so interested in this man? Is it that he lost
his family or is it something else?”

“It’s something else.” Hannah paused while gathering her thoughts. “I’m surprised
he was so easy to talk to. I’ve never met an
Englisher
like him.”

“
Englishers
have the same losses we have. We’re all human and we’re all God’s
kinner.
”

“I know.” Hannah bit into her sandwich. “I want to know more about how he’s coped
with losing his family. I think we could help each other if we talked about our loss
and how we’ve dealt with it.”

Ruth’s lips formed a thin line. “You know that’s not a
gut
idea, Hannah.”

“I just want to talk to him. He seemed like he wanted to share more with me, but I
needed to get back to work. I don’t even know where he’s from or what brought him
to Lancaster County.”

“Don’t think about him for another moment, Hannah. We’re not supposed to get
too
friendly with the hotel guests, and it’s inappropriate for you to be alone with a
man, especially an
Englisher.
”

“I’m an adult, Ruth. I just want to talk to him. If we talked in a public place, it
wouldn’t be like we’re meeting in secret.”

“It’s still not a
gut
idea.” Ruth leaned forward and touched Hannah’s hand. “I know Gideon has been gone
for four years, but you’re still vulnerable. You need to guard your heart. You may
mistake friendship for something deeper and that’s not
gut
, especially since he’s
English.
Be careful,
mei freind.
”

Hannah studied Ruth’s grimace and sighed. She knew Ruth was right, but she couldn’t
shake the feeling that Mr. Peterson’s story could somehow help her deal with the loneliness
that haunted her daily.

The break-room door slammed open and Linda Zook and Carolyn Lapp stepped in with their
lunch bags swinging from their arms.

“
Wie
geht’s?
” they called in unison as they sank into chairs at the table.

While her friends, who were both in their early thirties, joined in the conversation,
Hannah tried to push her thoughts away from Mr. Peterson.

“How are you doing today?” Carolyn unpacked her homemade bread and cheese.

“We’re doing fine,” Ruth said between bites of her sandwich. She smiled at Carolyn.
“You should come to church in my district Sunday. A bachelor from Ohio is visiting
his
bruder’s
family. I think you’d like him.”

Hannah laughed. “Ruth, you’re always trying to play matchmaker. I’m certain both Linda
and Carolyn will find the right man in the Lord’s time.”

Carolyn grinned. “I wouldn’t mind finding someone special and having a family of my
own.” She nodded at Linda. “What about you, Linda? Do you want Ruth to find someone
for you too?”

Linda’s cheeks flushed as she studied her turkey sandwich. “I don’t know. I haven’t
really thought about it. I wouldn’t even know what to say to a bachelor.”

“Sure you would.” Ruth smiled at her. “You’d just tell him your name and ask him about
his home in Ohio. You’d find things to talk about.”