A Hopeful Heart (15 page)

Lillian rolled onto her side facing away from her sister and closed her eyes. She
sent a silent prayer up to God, asking him
to guide her confusing feelings and lead her family toward the right path.

After her daughters had disappeared up the stairs, Hannah stepped onto the back porch.
She stared up at the clear, dark sky and wondered how she’d wound up in this predicament.

She’d never doubted her place in the community before, but now she found herself just
a few steps away from being ostracized. Not only had friends and family stared at
her and treated her differently after the church service, but now her daughter was
the victim of the vicious rumors that were circling about Hannah.

And, to make matters more complicated, she was still daydreaming about Trey Peterson.
Her heart warmed every time she thought of the embrace they’d shared, and she was
excited about any chance to continue helping him plan the bed and breakfast. She was
falling in love with him, and she was both excited and terrified to follow her strong
feelings for him. How could she love a man when that love was causing problems for
her precious children?

Hannah closed her eyes and sent up a silent prayer.

Lord, please help me sort through these confusing feelings. I loved Gideon with all
my heart, and I was content in our life together. Now that he’s gone, I’m not certain
where I belong. Trey’s friendship feels like a gift from you, and all that comes from
you is gut. However, my relationship with him is causing problems for both me and
my children. What does all of this mean? Where do you want me to belong? Please give
me a sign so that I can do your will. In Jesus’ holy name, amen.

She opened her eyes and heaved a deep breath. Opening up to God always gave her comfort,
but tonight she was still confused. She hoped a sign would come to her soon. She couldn’t
deny that her feelings for Trey were growing, despite the community’s negativity.

Hannah made her way back into the house and locked the door. She changed into her
bedclothes and then climbed into bed. As she fell asleep, she wondered what the future
would hold for her and her family.

T
he following Wednesday afternoon, Hannah sat with her coworkers during lunch. She
smiled while Carolyn shared a story about her nephews playing in the mud before they
were supposed to leave for church. She wished she could share a funny story as well.
Yet her thoughts had been tied up with confusion about her feelings for Trey and her
heartbreak over Lillian’s problems getting the teaching job. She prayed about it every
night, but the solution didn’t seem obvious to her. She wondered if she was concentrating
on it too much or if she was missing the answer that was right before her eyes.

After lunch, she cleaned up the table while Linda and Carolyn left to complete their
chores for the afternoon.

“Hannah?” Ruth lingered in the doorway to the break room. “Are you all right?”

Hannah looked back toward Ruth. “Honestly? No, I’m not.”

Ruth closed the door and gestured toward the table. “Sit. We still have a few minutes
before our hour is up.” They sat across from each other. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’m confused about some things.” Hannah bent her arm
and rested her chin on her hand. “I’ve been praying about it, but the confusion hasn’t
gotten any better.”

Ruth nodded slowly. “Is this about the
Englisher
?”

Hannah frowned. “You’ve heard what they’re saying about me?”

“I wish I could deny it, but that would be lying.” Ruth shook her head. “I heard it
Sunday, and I wanted to say something to you.”

“What do you think of me now?”

Ruth smiled. “You’re
mei freind
, and you’ll always be
mei freind
, Hannah, no matter what people say.”

“Do you really feel that way?” Hannah leveled her eyes at Ruth. “You know that’s not
what we’re taught. We’re supposed to be faithful to our beliefs, and we need to rein
in those who sin.”

“
Ya
, that’s true, but I think sometimes people forget the Scripture verse from Ephesians:
‘Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ
God forgave you.’“

“What I did wasn’t immoral, but I feel as if I’m being treated like I did something
immoral.”

“Did you hug the
Englisher
?”

Hannah nodded. “I did. His name is Trey, and we’ve become
gut freinden.
He helped me last Wednesday when my son was injured. Andrew fell and got a bad gash
above his eye.”

“Linda told me that you had to rush home.”

Hannah explained what had happened that day, and Ruth listened. “I didn’t really think
it through. I hugged him because I needed someone to comfort me, and being with him
feels natural. It’s as if I’ve known him my whole life.”

“The Lord puts special people in our lives when we least expect it.” Ruth’s smile
faded. “But you know what happened
will have implications in the community. Someone witnessed it and told another person.
And you know how news spreads in our district.”

“I know, and it’s already affecting my family, especially
mei dochder
Lillian.” Hannah glowered. “Lillian wants to be a teacher and has learned about a
teaching opportunity. She spoke to Elizabeth Beiler about it on Sunday, and Elizabeth
said the board may not consider her because of concerns about me.” She studied Ruth’s
caring eyes, hoping to find an answer there. “I just don’t know what to do. The other
night I talked to
mei dochdern
about it, and I offered to go to the bishop. Amanda told me not to do it. She doesn’t
want to see me humiliated in front of the whole community. But Lillian is suffering
over this.”

“You could just talk to the bishop and promise to never see the man again.”

Hannah hesitated. “I don’t know if I can promise that.”

Ruth’s eyebrows careened toward her graying hairline. “How do you feel about this
man?”

“I can’t deny I care for him.”

“Hannah …” Ruth leaned forward and lowered her voice. “You’re treading on dangerous
ground. I understand you’re lonely, but you’re looking for company in the wrong places.
I’m certain there’s someone in our community who has experienced a similar loss. You
just haven’t given it enough time.”

“I wasn’t looking for this, Ruth. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. This has shocked
me as much as it has shocked you. I always wanted to be Amish. I never doubted my
future when I was
mei dochdern’s
age. I was baptized with
mei freinden
, and I pledged my life to the community.” Hannah paused and thought of Gideon. “When
I met Gideon, I felt my life was
complete. I loved him with my whole heart, and our
kinner
were our greatest blessing. I never imagined I’d feel confused about my life and
about where I belong.”

“You have doubts about being Amish?” Ruth grimaced.

Hannah couldn’t speak for a moment. “My community is my home, and it’s all I’ve ever
known. My family and my friends are here. But I doubt I can walk away from my friendship
with Trey.”

“What if you’re shunned? What will you do then?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I’ve been praying with my heart and soul, begging God to
show me the right path.”

“But where does that leave your
kinner
? They’re a part of this community.” Ruth tapped the table for emphasis. “Everything
they know is in our church district. Are you willing to take them away from that?”

Hannah shook her head as her eyes filled with tears. “No, I’m not.”

“I think you need to pray about this some more. You need to figure out what you want
and what you want for your
kinner.
I don’t want to see you upset anymore, but I also don’t want to see your
kinner
suffer. They went through a lot when Gideon died.” Ruth’s expression softened. “You’ll
find the answer. Just be certain you’re listening.”

Hannah sniffed and wiped her eyes. “I never imagined I’d feel unwelcome in the community
I’ve known my whole life. I wish
mei mamm
were still alive. I’d love to talk to her about all of this.”

Ruth touched her hand. “I understand. Sometimes it seems as if only a
mamm
can fix things for us, but you can do this. Your
kinner
will look to you for guidance, and you need to be strong
for them, no matter what decision you make. You know I don’t want to see you leave
the community. It would break my heart to see you shunned, but God will lead you toward
the right path.”

Hannah wiped her eyes and stood. “We better get back to work.” She started for the
door, and then turned back toward Ruth. “
Danki
for listening. And you know this stays between us,
ya
?”

“Of course, Hannah. Your secrets are safe with me.” Ruth hugged her. “Let me know
if you need to talk again.”

“I will.” Hannah moved to the elevator while contemplating what Ruth had said. She
knew her actions affected her children, and she never wanted to hurt them. Seeing
the disappointment in Lillian’s eyes was too much to bear. She had to stay away from
Trey to give her children the lives they deserved. Yet, she kept wondering, how could
she walk away from the man who had begun to heal her broken heart?

She thought about the bishop as she stepped into the elevator. Elmer Smucker was a
kind and fair man. She believed he would listen to her when she explained the incident
and why she’d embraced Trey. Hopefully he’d give her the benefit of the doubt and
understand she meant no harm; she’d only reacted to the stress of the incident. Surely
Elmer had sinned by accident? After all, they were only human.

Hannah smiled. This seemed to be the correct solution. She could stop by to see him
at his farm on her way home tonight. She would tell him she’d made a mistake, and
she wanted to repent for her sins. Hannah would agree to make things right with the
community and ask the bishop to talk to the school board. Then Lillian would be happy
and could apply for the teaching position.

Hannah’s eyes moved toward Trey’s room as she stepped off the elevator on the third
floor, and her heart skipped a beat. She wanted to make things right for Lillian,
but it seemed an impossible task when her heart was drawn to Trey Peterson. How could
she promise to deny her relationship with Trey when the relationship meant so much
to her?

“You can take your lunch now, Amanda,” Nancy’s mother called from the other side of
the deli.

Amanda smiled and waved from behind the cash register. “Okay. I’m going to walk to
the Book Café.”

“Can I come too?” Nancy sidled up to Amanda.

“Oh. Sure.” Amanda tried to hide her disappointment with a shrug. She’d hoped to sneak
over to the bookstore alone and take a look at a GED book. Her curiosity about the
GED had been haunting her ever since she’d talked to Mike about it.

Nancy raised her eyebrows. “
Was
iss letz?
You don’t want me to come?”

“No, no. Don’t be
gegisch.
” Amanda waved off the comment while wondering how her best friend came to be as perceptive
as her twin sister. “I’d love for you to come.”

“
Mamm!
” Nancy hollered to her mother, who stood by the baked goods counter. “Amanda and
I are running to the Book Café. We’ll be back soon.”

Her mother smiled. “Okay, but don’t linger, and don’t spend any money.”

Amanda followed Nancy out the front door of the store, and the bright sunshine blinded
her for a moment.

“What do you need at the bookstore?” Nancy squinted and turned to Amanda.

“Lily asked me to look for a certain book for her.” It wasn’t really a lie. Lillian
had mentioned she wanted to get a Christian novel she’d seen listed in the back of
the novel she was reading. “I thought I’d look today at lunch and surprise her. They
have some
gut
deals on used books.”

“That’s nice.” Nancy smiled. “I’m going to browse too. I love looking at books.”

They crossed the street and walked past two other stores before reaching the bookstore.
A bell above the door rang to announce their arrival. As they stepped into the store,
the smell of coffee permeated Amanda’s nose. She glanced toward a small café area
with tables, chairs, and a food counter. The remainder of the store was crammed with
shelves of books.

“Good afternoon!” Rick, the owner, called from behind the counter. “Welcome to the
Book Café.”

Amanda waved and then headed with Nancy over to the Christian fiction section.

Nancy began perusing the shelves. “What book is Lily looking for?”

Amanda told her the title and author.

“I love that author.” Nancy pointed toward the end of the aisle. “I’ll find it for
you.”

Amanda followed her. “I’m going to look over there, okay?”

Nancy studied the shelves in front of her, not looking up to see if Amanda had motioned
where. “Take your time.” She lifted a book off the shelf. “Oh, this looks gut. I wonder
if Lily would like this too.”

Amanda moved to the other end of the aisle and turned toward the front of the store.
She spotted Rick standing behind the cash register alone while looking through a book.
She longed to ask him about a GED preparation book, but she didn’t want anyone else
to know about it. She looked back at Nancy and found her flipping through a novel.
Amanda had to act now, or she’d risk getting caught by Nancy.

Amanda made her way across the store and approached the counter. “Excuse me. I was
wondering if I could ask you something.”

Rick looked up at her and smiled. “How can I help you?”

“Do you have GED books?” Amanda tried to keep her voice just above a whisper.

“GED books?” He tilted his head. “You mean like the GED prep book you study before
taking the test?”

Amanda nodded while wishing he’d keep his voice down. “
Ya
, that’s it.”

“I think I do have them. Let me check.” He pushed some buttons on the computer. “Yes,
I do. I should have three GED prep books in stock. Do you want me to get one of them
for you?” He pointed toward the other side of the store. “The GED prep books are over
there by the SAT books, in the reference section.” He smiled at someone behind Amanda.
“Hi. Can I help you?”

“No, I’m with her.”

Amanda grimaced when she heard Nancy’s voice.
Oh no. I’ve been caught.
She forced a smile. “Thank you for your help.”

Rick raised his eyebrows. “Do you want me to get the book for you?”

“No, thank you.” Amanda turned to Nancy, who smiled. Relief flooded her.
Oh, gut! Maybe she didn’t hear Rick say, GED
book
”
nearly a dozen times!
She looked down at the book in Nancy’s hand. “Did you find Lily’s book?”

“
Ya
.” Nancy handed the book to her.

“
Danki.
Are you going to get anything?”

“Not today.
Mei mamm
told me not to spend any money. She says I buy too many frivolous things. I don’t
think books are frivolous, but she’ll tell me to go to the library instead.” Nancy
jerked her thumb toward the door. “We’d better get back to the deli.”

Rick looked between them. “Oh, do you girls work at Fisher’s Deli?”

“We do.” Amanda handed him the book.

“I thought I recognized you. I love going there. You have the best baked goods and
cold cuts in town.” Rick grinned.

“Thank you.” Nancy smiled. “I’ll tell my parents you said that.”

“I’m a loyal customer.” Rick told Amanda the total cost for the book.

Amanda handed him the money. “Thank you.” She took the bag he gave her and slipped
the change into her apron pocket. She followed Nancy out to the sidewalk while thinking
about the GED book and wondering if Nancy had overheard the conversation.

“What’s a GED book?” Nancy’s question confirmed Amanda’s worries.

“It’s nothing.” Amanda quickened her pace. “We’d better hurry back so we have time
to eat lunch.”

“Wait.” Nancy grabbed Amanda’s sleeve and stopped her. “What are you hiding from me?”
She eyed Amanda with suspicion.