A Hopeful Heart (24 page)

Lillian opened another drawer in the bureau and began pitching more clothes into the
bag. “I can’t stay in a
haus
where the Amish faith is questioned. I’m going to live with
Mammi
and
Daadi.
They will understand, and they will take me in.” She scowled at Hannah. “You told
me you were going to stop seeing Mr. Peterson. You lied to me. You never stopped seeing
him.”

“Lillian, you’re not being fair to me. I’m trying to explain to you that I never meant
to hurt you. When I told you I would stay away from Trey, I truly believed I could.
But this was out of my control.”

“But where does this leave me,
Mamm
? Where do I go from here?” Lillian faced Hannah with tears streaming down her face.
“How can I be a teacher and get baptized if I’m living with you in your
English haus
?”

“You can.” Hannah leaned forward. “There’s enough room for you and your siblings in
the
haus
Trey is buying. You and your
schweschder
can share a room, and you can still teach. Nothing has to change for you.”

“Everything will change.” Lillian gestured widely. “All of my
freinden
will feel sorry for me when they find out you’ve left the faith. They’ll treat me
differently. It will be as if everyone has to be extra nice to me. I don’t want to
be singled out. I want to be like everyone else.”

Hannah sniffed and wiped her eyes. She knew Lillian was right. She’d seen how everyone
treated her friend Rebecca after her mother chose to leave the faith. Rumors flew
about the family and all of the young people were careful about what they said to
Rebecca. Her friend was so embarrassed by the whispers and sad smiles that she too
chose to leave the faith and go to public school. Hannah didn’t want Lillian to be
the object of the community’s pity or rumors.

“I’m sorry, Lily. I never intended to hurt you.” Tears trickled down Hannah’s face.
“You mean so much to me.”

“If I mean so much to you, then why are you abandoning me?” Lillian’s voice shook
with anger. “You’re leaving me. You’re betraying
Dat’s
memory. I don’t understand why you’re doing this to me. We’re a family. We’re supposed
to stay together.”

“I didn’t plan this, Lillian.” Hannah’s voice was thin as a lump swelled in her throat.
“I don’t want to lose you. You’re my
kind. Ich liebe dich.
I wish you would come with me. Losing you is breaking my heart.”

“So, then don’t go. Stay here with Amanda, Andrew, and me. You can marry
Onkel
Josh, and we’ll be a family again.” Lillian’s voice trembled. “Please,
Mamm.
Don’t change everything. We’re doing fine here. It’s been hard since we lost
Dat
, but we’re doing okay.”

Hannah’s heart ached as she stared into her daughter’s eyes. She’d thought she’d made
the right decision when she decided to accept Trey’s proposal, but now she wasn’t
so certain.

A knock sounded on the door frame behind them. Amanda stood in the doorway with Andrew
beside her. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but Andrew is ready to leave for school. He
wants to say good-bye before he meets his
freinden
at the corner.”

Hannah leaned down and touched Andrew’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to worry about
this. I’ll talk to
Onkel
Josh and make sure you’ll always be able to help him on the farm. You’ll be able
to see Huckleberry no matter where we live.”

Andrew gnawed his lower lip. “Okay.”

Hannah opened her arms, and Andrew gave her a quick hug. “Have a
gut
day. We’ll talk more later, okay?”

Andrew nodded. “Amanda told me we have a lot of things to work out, but everything
will be okay.”

“That’s right.” Hannah forced a smile despite her breaking heart.

Lillian wiped her tears and then waved to him. “See you later, Andrew.”

“Bye!” Andrew ran down the stairs.

Amanda stared at her twin. “Lily, what are you doing? Why are you packing?”

“I’m leaving.” Lillian spoke with emphasis. “I’m moving in with
Mammi. Mamm
wants to leave the faith, and that leaves me all alone. She’s ruining my life and
also betraying
Dat.
” She studied her sister. “I don’t understand why you’re so calm. Why aren’t you upset?
Don’t you want to be baptized and stay in the community with me?”

Amanda glanced at Hannah as if asking her permission to tell the truth.

“Tell her, Amanda.” Hannah gestured toward Amanda, in an effort to encourage her.
“You can be honest with your
schweschder.
Just because your choices are different doesn’t make them wrong.”

“What are you talking about?” Lillian looked back and forth from her mother to her
twin. “What are you both keeping from me now? Why does this family keep so many secrets?”
Her voice rose again. “I feel like an outsider in my own family. Everyone is betraying
me. It’s not fair.”

“Just calm down and listen, Lily,” Hannah said.

“Lily, you’re my twin. I would never betray you. Just give me a chance to explain
myself.” Amanda took a deep breath. “One of the customers who comes into the deli
is a guy named Mike. He
and I have become
freinden.
He’s leaving for college in the fall, and I’ve been asking him about school. I want
to try to get my GED. If I get a high school diploma, I could think about college
too. I’ve always dreamt of becoming a veterinarian, but I’ve been afraid to tell you.
I didn’t think you’d understand.”

“So you want to live with
Mamm
and be
English
too.” Lillian’s eyes glistened with tears. “That means Andrew and Amanda will live
with you,
Mamm.
” Lillian folded her arms over her middle. “I’ll be the only one who stays Amish.
You’re all abandoning me.”

“That’s not true, Lillian. I love you, and I will never abandon you.” Hannah reached
forward to take Lillian’s hand, but Lillian pulled away.

“
Ya
, you are abandoning me. You’re leaving me.” More tears poured down Lillian’s cheeks.
“Dat would never approve of this. He would take my side.”

“
Dat
is gone.” Amanda touched her sister’s arm. “If
Dat
were here, then we wouldn’t be discussing this.
Mamm
is trying to make a life now that he’s gone.”

Lillian glared at Hannah, causing Hannah to flinch. “If you leave the faith for that
man, I won’t give you my blessing. I won’t come and visit you at your home either.
If you want to see me, you’ll have to come to
Mammi’s
. I will never accept your decision to leave the faith or marry that man.”

Amanda wagged a finger at her sister. “You shouldn’t talk to
Mamm
that way. That’s disrespectful.”

“It’s okay, Amanda. I will respect your sister’s feelings.” Hannah studied Lillian.
“I don’t want you to leave.”

“It’s too late.” Lillian hefted her bag up onto her shoulder. “I’m going and you can’t
stop me.” She marched out of the room
and down to the kitchen while Hannah and Amanda followed her to the back door.

“Please don’t go. You’re my twin.” Amanda’s voice trembled. “I can’t imagine being
alone in our room.”

Lillian faced them and her eyes were red and puffy. “I can’t stay here. I don’t belong
here anymore.”

“
Ich liebe dich.
” Hannah said the words and then swallowed a sob.

“Lily, please.” Amanda shook her head. “Please don’t leave us.”

Lillian turned and disappeared out the back door.

Hannah stared after her for a moment. She then lowered herself into a chair at the
kitchen table as overwhelming grief crashed down on her. “I just lost my
dochder.
”

Amanda sat beside her and rubbed her arm. “She’ll be back.”

They sat in silence for a moment, and Hannah wondered if she was making the wrong
decision. She’d prayed that Lillian would somehow understand and accept her decision
to leave the community and start a new life with Trey. Yet she knew deep down that
Lillian would never accept it. She’d known all along that this was inevitable. Yet
it didn’t make accepting Lillian’s leaving any easier.

“We can’t stay in this house when you’re excommunicated.” Amanda’s voice was quiet
and unsure. “When are we going to have to move?”

“I’m not certain about that yet.” Hannah ran her fingers over the wood grain in the
table. “I need to talk to a few people first. I’m going to tell
Onkel
Josh tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Amanda nodded. “Remember,
Mamm
, I’ll support you no matter what.”

“
Danki, mei liewe.
” Hannah blew out a deep breath and considered all of the planning she needed to do.
First she had to tell the members of her community her decision and then she’d tell
Trey. Her pulse raced at the thought of telling Trey she was ready to give him her
whole heart.

Yet her heart was broken after seeing her daughter walk out the door. She hoped somehow
she could convince Lillian to forgive her.

A
manda gnawed her lower lip and stepped into the bookstore during lunchtime later that
day. She smiled when she spotted Mike working at the front counter. His eyes met hers,
and he grinned in return.

“Amanda!” Mike waved as she approached. “It’s great to see you. How have you been?”

“I’m fine.” Amanda fingered her wallet in her apron pocket. “How are you?”

“I’m doing great. I graduate next week.”

“That’s fantastic.” Amanda clapped her hands together. “You must be so excited.”

“I am.” He gestured toward her. “I’m really surprised to see you in here. How can
I help you?”

“I’m looking for a book.”

He stepped out from behind the counter. “What kind of book are you looking for?”

Amanda pointed toward the far side of the store. “I believe it’s located in the reference
section.”

“Okay. Let’s head over there.”

Amanda walked beside him as they made their way through the fiction and religion sections
toward reference.

“Now, what kind of book would you like?” He pointed toward the books lining the shelves.
“We have history books, language books, dictionaries …”

“I was looking for the GED preparation books.”

He raised his eyebrows. “You’re going to get your GED?”

“I’m going to try.” She shrugged. “I guess we’ll see if I pass.”

“I’m certain you will. That’s fabulous, Amanda. I’m so happy for you.” He chose a
book from the shelf and showed it to her. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.” Amanda examined the cover and wondered if she’d be intelligent enough to
understand the contents of the book. “I’m going to look through it and see if I can
learn it. It’s been a couple of years since I was in school.”

“I’m sure you can do it.” He leaned against the shelf. “I’d be happy to tutor you,
though. We can get together at lunchtime and talk about the book.”

“I’d like that.” Amanda hugged the book to her chest while imagining spending her
lunchtime with him every day. She’d have to talk to Nancy about it and explain that
he was helping her study so that Nancy wouldn’t get the wrong idea. Maybe her
mamm
would have to talk to Nancy’s parents about it too; she couldn’t lose her job right
now. But she would worry about that later. She smiled up at him. “I bet you’re excited
about your graduation.”

“Oh yeah. I can’t wait.”

She thought about her mother’s decision to leave the church and considered telling
Mike. She glanced behind her to make sure no one was close to them and then lowered
her voice. “Things are going to change for my family.”

He stepped closer to her. “What do you mean?”

“My mom decided she wants to leave the church.”

He frowned. “I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what that means.”

“That means she doesn’t want to be Amish anymore.”

“She doesn’t want to be Amish?”

Amanda shook her head.

“How do you feel about that?” Mike’s eyes were full of concern.

“I’m okay with it.”

He nodded. “How are your siblings taking this decision? Are they as understanding
and supportive as you are?”

Amanda grimaced. “My sister isn’t taking it well at all. She’s having a hard time
understanding why my mom wants to leave the church.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. It’ll be a big adjustment since you have to move and all.”

“
Ya.
My sister wants to stay Amish, so she moved in with my grandparents. My brother and
I will go with my mom.” Amanda looked down at the book in her hands. “I don’t think
I want to be Amish either.”

“What about your brother?”

“He’s sad, but my mom promised he’ll still see our uncle and help out on the farm.
I’m certain he’s most upset about leaving his favorite horse, but I’m sure my uncle
will say he can visit Huckleberry anytime.” She thought of her farm. “It’s funny.
I’ve lived in this one house my whole life, but I’m not as sad as I thought I’d be
about leaving. I’m looking forward to seeing where my life will lead.”

“Do you have to leave Lancaster County after your mother is shunned?”

“No.” Amanda shook her head. “We can stay close by. We
just can’t do business with other Amish families, so my mom can’t keep the horse business.”

“Oh. Where does your mom want to live?”

“I’m not certain, but I hope we’ll be close to Paradise.”

“That’s good.” Mike smiled. “We can still be friends.”

“Mike!” a voice called from the front of the store. “Can you take over the register?”

“That’s my uncle. I better get back to work.”

Amanda looked up at him. “Thanks for your help finding the book.”

“You’re welcome. Let’s go up to the front, and I’ll ring it up for you real quick.
I can give you the family discount.”

She walked with him to the front of the store. Mike took his place behind the counter
and rang up a customer before taking care of Amanda’s book. She gave him the money,
and he slipped the book into a bag and handed it to her.

“Thank you. See you later.” Amanda gripped the bag and started toward the door. She
couldn’t wait to start studying for the GED.

Amanda hurried across the street to the deli. She slipped into the break room and
put the book into her tote bag.

“What are you doing?”

Amanda looked back and found Nancy eyeing her from the doorway. “I didn’t hear you
come in. I bought a book at the bookstore.”

Nancy craned her neck. “What kind of book did you get? Is it a novel for your
schweschder
?”

“No, it isn’t for Lily. It’s for me.”

“Does it have to do with the GED?”

Amanda nodded.

“Oh.” Nancy frowned as she stepped into the room. “I had a feeling you’d want to do
that. You’re smart enough to pass a big test like that. I always wished I were as
smart as you when we were in school.”

Amanda’s mouth gaped. “Nancy, I had no idea you felt that way.”

“
Ya
, I always have. You’ve always been so much braver than I was.” Nancy motioned toward
the bag. “I’d never have the confidence to try to take a test like that.” She looked
back toward the doorway. “And my parents would never let me take the test. Does your
mamm
know you want to take it?”

“
Ya
, she does. In fact, she gave me the money for the book.” Amanda hesitated. She considered
telling Nancy that her
mamm
was leaving the church, but she decided it was up to her to decide when the community
should know about her choice.

“Oh. That’s
gut
that your
mamm
supports you.”

Amanda bit her lower lip. “I hope you understand I still want to be your
freind.
God may be leading me toward a different path, but that doesn’t change how much your
friendship means to me.”

Nancy smiled. “I understand our lives are going to be a little different, but I still
want to be your
freind.
I’m really sorry for everything I said about you and your
mamm.
I didn’t mean it, and it was terrible of me to accuse you of being a bad person.”
She hugged Amanda. “Even if you do get your GED and decide to go to college, you need
to keep in touch with me.”

“I promise I will. You’re my best
freind
, Nancy.”

“Best
freinden
forever.” Nancy touched Amanda’s arm. “Don’t forget it.”

“I won’t.” Amanda smiled and wondered where the possibility of a GED might lead her.

Later that afternoon, Lillian walked past her grandparents’ pasture and studied the
horses frolicking and grazing on the other side of the fence. She never dreamt she’d
ever leave the only home she’d ever known and move in with her grandparents. Her grandparents
had welcomed her with open arms and told her she could stay as long as she wanted.
She was thankful for their love.

Yet betrayal and hurt filled her as she considered her
mamm.
Although she loved
Mamm
, Lillian couldn’t understand why she would want to leave their beautiful farm and
their church district.

Her eyes filled with tears when she thought of the farmhouse where she’d grown up.
She’d no longer have the same little bedroom she’d shared with her twin their whole
life. How would Lillian cope with being separated from her family?

“Lillian?”

Lillian turned and found Leroy King walking toward her. Her stomach fluttered with
delight. “Leroy? I didn’t know you were coming over today.” She touched her prayer
covering and then smoothed her apron.

“I was over at your house. Daniel asked me if I could come over and help shoe a few
horses. I told him I wanted to learn how, so it was the perfect opportunity. I asked
him where you were, and he said you’d gone to see your grandparents.” He lifted his
straw hat, smoothed his dark hair, and then placed the hat back on his head. “I hoped
to see you.”

“Oh.” Lillian’s heart thundered in her chest. “I’m glad you came.”

“How are you doing?” He leaned against the fence.

“I’m doing okay.” She placed her hand on the rung of the fence and frowned. “Actually,
I’m not doing well at all.”

“
Was
iss letz
?”

“
Mei mamm
made a decision that’s going to change my life, and I’m having a difficult time getting
used to the idea.” Lillian felt tears in her eyes, but she hoped she wouldn’t cry.

“What happened?” Leroy’s expression was filled with concern. “Is there anything I
can do to help you?”

“If I tell you, will you promise to keep it a secret? I don’t know when
mei mamm
is going to talk to the minister and the deacon.”

His mouth gaped. “Your
mamm
is leaving the church?”

Lillian nodded as a tear trickled down her cheek. “You can’t tell anyone.”

“I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

“That means we can’t live at our
haus
anymore because my grandparents own it.
Mei mamm
wants to be with the
Englisher.
I had a feeling this would happen, but I didn’t think it would be this fast. I’m
not ready for my life to change so drastically.” A few more tears sprinkled down her
hot cheeks.

He frowned. “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m not going with her.” Lillian sniffed and wiped her eyes.

“What do you mean?” He raised his eyebrows.

“I’m living here with
mei mammi
now. I still want to stay here and be a part of the community. I don’t want to be
English.
” She wiped her tears from under her glasses. “I don’t understand why
mei mamm
wants to leave, but her mind is made up. I feel as if she’s abandoning me and she’s
also betraying my
dat’s
memory. It’s so unfair. How can she leave me like this?”

“But you’ll stay in the district, so that means you’ll still go to church and youth
gatherings?”

Lillian nodded. “
Ya
.”

“That’s
gut
.” Leroy smiled, but his smile quickly turned to a grimace. “I didn’t mean it the
way it came out. I’m sorry your
mamm
is leaving, but I’m glad you’re staying.” He shook his head. “Does that make sense?”

“
Ya
, it does.” Her heart warmed, knowing he wanted her to stay in the community. Perhaps
her dream of dating him would come true despite her mother’s decision to leave the
church. “I just hope people don’t take pity on me. I don’t want to be singled out.
I just want to be the teacher and live in the community.”

Leroy shrugged. “You can do that. Your
mamm
has made her choice, but you can make your own choice. And I’m glad you want to stay
because I’m enjoying getting to know you.”

“
Danki
, Leroy. I’m enjoying getting to know you too.” She nodded toward her grandmother’s
house. “I made oatmeal raisin cookies earlier. Would you like to come in for a snack?”

“
Ya.
” He smiled. “That sounds
gut.
”

They walked together to the house. She looked up at Leroy and a weight lifted from
her shoulders. Although she was hurt by her mother’s decision to leave, she felt a
sense of hope and excitement. She was going to be okay, and maybe, just maybe, her
dreams would come true too.