A Hope for Hannah (28 page)

A horrible thought kept Hannah frozen in place.
If Ben and Sylvia left the Amish and went liberal, my concern about Sylvia would go away.
A deep embarrassment filled Hannah.
What if Jake knows what I am thinking? I will never tell him, that’s for sure.
Once again she felt the disruption of life’s unexpected twists and turns.

“I’m going to bed,” she said softly.

“I’ll be there in a little bit,” Jake said, his eyes gentle in the lantern’s light.

Thirty-one

Betty extended the dining room table from wall to wall for her Thanksgiving feast. Bishop Nisley and Elizabeth had accepted the invitation, and their presence made it seem like old times to Hannah. She remembered not too long ago how she and Jake—then just a young unmarried couple—had sat at the same table with them, eyeing one another discretely across the table.

And now John and Elizabeth recalled those days with happiness and said they knew even before Jake and Hannah that they would eventually get married. Betty agreed, though Steve admitted he had been oblivious to the whole budding romance—if that was what it had been.

As they drove home, Hannah very nearly fell asleep in the buggy. They had stayed late, and the night was cold. She leaned against Jake and closed her eyes. She had needed this happy evening and was sorry it had to end.

A few days later Mr. Brunson stopped by and talked with Jake but didn’t get out of his pickup. He told Jake the court appearance had gone as expected. He received a heavy fine.

The next morning, Hannah awoke to the strange feeling that something was not right—or maybe she was feeling the baby move within her for the first time. Whatever was happening was so new to Hannah that she wanted to see Dr. Lisa as soon as possible. Today, she hoped.

When she told Jake she wanted to go to the doctor, he agreed.

“We’ll go now,” he said. “We’ll stop by the hardware store so I can tell Mr. Howard I’ll be coming in late. I want to go to the doctor with you.”

Jake nervously hitched up Mosey, and Hannah climbed into the buggy. They rode to town in silence. Hannah didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know if what she felt was normal or cause for worry. It was all so new.

Halfway to Libby she said, “This is going to cost us money we can’t spare. Maybe we should go to Betty’s. She’ll tell me if this is all right…or if I should see Dr. Lisa.”

Jake thought a minute and then said, “No, I think we should go to the doctor’s office and hope she can squeeze you in without an appointment. I don’t want to waste time going to Betty’s if this turns out to be serious.”

Hannah just nodded and said nothing more.

When Jake stopped at the store, Mr. Howard was insistent that Jake take whatever time he needed at the doctor’s office. The furniture could wait.

A few minutes later, they arrived at Dr. Lisa’s office. When Hannah explained to the receptionist that she felt something might be wrong, she was shown into an examination room while Jake stayed in the waiting room.

Dr. Lisa came in a little later. After asking Hannah some questions and examining her, the doctor confirmed Hannah’s worst fear.

“I’m so sorry,” Dr. Lisa said, putting her hand on Hannah’s arm.

“I’ve lost the baby,” Hannah said numbly.

“Yes.”

Hannah started to cry softly, almost embarrassed to show emotion to someone she barely knew.

“This happens,” Dr. Lisa said gently. “It’s always hard.”

“It was the infection, wasn’t it?” Hannah asked.

“We don’t know. It would be just a guess. It could have been for other reasons.”

“It was my fault.”

“No, you mustn’t blame yourself,” Dr. Lisa said. “These things are in the hands of God. He works out what is best. Don’t your people believe that?”

“That’s what Jake would say, I suppose,” Hannah said. “That doesn’t make it any easier. I was hoping for a boy—Jake’s boy.”

Dr. Lisa nodded. “I understand. I’m going to write a prescription. Pick it up at the drugstore. Then I want to see you again in two weeks. If you have any concerns or other questions, please call my office.”

Hannah thanked Dr. Lisa, met Jake in the waiting room, and told him the news. He put his arm around her and held her for a moment. Then as someone entered the waiting room, he pulled out his checkbook and approached the receptionist to pay for the office visit.

“No charge,” the woman said. “Doctor’s orders.”

Jake thanked the woman but decided he would not want this to be a charity. He would wait and ask Dr. Lisa about making some furniture in trade for her services.

Outside, Jake helped Hannah into the buggy and asked, “Are you okay?”

She nodded. “We need to pick up this prescription if we can afford it. I can do without it, though, I’m sure.”

“No, we’re getting it anyway,” Jake said firmly.

On the way home, they stopped briefly at Betty’s. “She’d want to know right away,” Hannah said without emotion.

When she stepped down from the buggy, Betty was standing at her open door, having heard them approach. Hannah went to her and simply began to cry. Somehow that told Betty everything she needed to know. She wrapped Hannah in an embrace and cried with her for a few minutes. Jake could not remember the last time Betty had nothing to say.

When they arrived home, Jake checked the mailbox. There was little except for what looked like a bill and a letter.

“Your mother,” he said, handing it to Hannah. “It’s good it came today.”

“Mothers know sometimes,” she said.

While Jake unhitched Mosey, Hannah sat down on the couch to read her letter.

Dear Hannah,

I know I just wrote last week, but I felt like writing today again. It seems as if time is passing so fast. I think of you often. How are you and the coming baby doing? We pray the child will be spared any ill effects of the infection.

Hannah stopped reading, the tears stinging her eyes.

Tell Jake hi for us. Indiana is still open to people moving in, but we understand about his new responsibilities. Aunt Martha was here today. I have a quilt on the frame. It’s for the school Christmas sale. I’ve let the women know, and seems like someone stops in most every day. Last week Mary Bontrager, from the neighboring district, stayed almost all day. It was good to catch up on the news. Our two districts share the schoolhouse. That has changed since you attended. I think there were four districts sharing it then.

A bunch of couples have been called out in church recently. Dave and Esther Yoder were called out last Sunday. Seems like more and more young people are getting married these days, but why should we complain? It’s a sign of a growing and prosperous church.

We hope this finds you well and in good health. May God keep both you and Jake. I think your dad wants coffee made. He’s banging around in the kitchen.

Your mother

Hannah folded the letter, feeling comforted in a way. Even across the miles, her mother’s love had reached her.

Jake walked in, and Hannah said, “Hi from Mom and Dad.” As an afterthought, she added, “You really ought to write to your mother—especially now.”

“I will tonight,” Jake said.

Jake stayed home from work the rest of the day, wanting to be with Hannah. He did a few chores around the cabin but stayed close to her even when she laid down for a lengthy afternoon nap.

When she awoke, Hannah realized she needed to start supper but wondered what they were to eat. She found some leftovers and warmed them in the oven, telling Jake, “It’s not much, but for tonight it’ll do.”

“Hannah, after this I don’t want you to prepare any more of the deer meat,” he said.

“We can’t let it go to waste,” Hannah said.

“Neither can we eat it,” he said. “I’ll buy hamburger for the rest of the winter. It’s the principle of the thing.”

“But,” she protested, “think of the cost.”

Jake shook his head and sat down with a sigh. “No.”

“Betty said she would take what we couldn’t eat,” Hannah said. “She didn’t want us to throw it away.”

“Fine,” Jake said. “I’ll take it over.”

Hannah felt like saying thank you, but Jake might not understand. The load of her guilt felt much lighter. Didn’t he realize this was her fault?

As if reading her thoughts, Jake said “This wasn’t your fault. If anything, it’s mine. I shot the deer to try to save money. We shouldn’t blame each other or anyone. God is still in charge, and He knows what He’s doing.”