A Headstrong Woman (8 page)

“Rusty brought back word that Elijah’s parents would be on the next train out of Jasper,” Clay relayed the earlier message.

“What of Pastor Anderson?” Carolyn inquired.

“He was out on another call. Sharon was going to send him as soon as he returns,” Clay moved to a chair and seated himself.

“I’ll check the coffee,” Millie jumped up to leave. Alexandria wished that she could busy herself; it was going to be a long night.

***

Elijah’s body had been delivered and the dark casket seemed to shrink the room, dominating it with a pall. Jonathon mused on this as he watched the group gathered around him. Alexandria’s immediate family comprised the core group, along with himself. Several of the hands had filtered in and out and the pastor had come and gone. At moment Millie was resting before the morning round of callers began. Anna sat beside her brother, the two conversing quietly. Clay stood, one arm propped on the fireplace mantel, looking tired and troubled. Carolyn, her face drawn, sat beside a silent Alexandria. Jonathon could understand why she was concerned.

Alexandria had sat quietly and had said little all night. Despite being surrounded by her family, Alexandria seemed removed and cut off; like an island, visible from afar but separated by a gulf. She had been handed a cup of coffee which she drank. The plate of food she had been handed sat untouched on a small table beside her. She wasn’t dealing well; more like she wasn’t dealing at all. Jonathon knew all the symptoms, the squared, determined shoulders; the unnatural calm. He had been the same; determined to make it through without going to pieces in front of the world. It had finally caught up with him on the middle of a dusty road somewhere between here and home. He had been riding along under a gray sky one minute and crying uncontrollably the next.

Jonathon stirred himself from his dark thoughts and decided he should check in with the men before the day got underway and hectic. He had made a promise to Elijah and he intended to keep it. He was beginning to understand why the man had been concerned for Alexandria. She was clearly too stubborn for her own good.

“Hey, Jonathon, how are they in there?” Sparky greeted him as soon as he entered the bunkhouse.

“Solemn.”

“I kinda figured that. Is Mrs. Morris holding up okay?”

“Hard to say,” Jonathon shrugged. It was hard to explain to someone who hadn’t been there. After checking in that everyone had their orders he returned to the house and was relieved to find that Alexandria had at least moved to the kitchen. She now sat at the table, a plate of pancakes and bacon in front of her.

“You need to eat, honey,” her mother cajoled her.

“I just don’t have an appetite,” Alexandria protested and pushed the plate away.

“Try? Please, for me?”

Alexandria picked up a piece of bacon, took a bite and slowly chewed without any real interest.

“Come in, Mr. Stewart, would you like some breakfast?” Carolyn addressed him.

“That would be nice, thanks,” Jonathon moved to the seat across from Alexandria and seated himself; a moment later Millie set a plate of food in front of him.

“Thank you, Millie.”

Jonathon buttered his biscuit and pancakes and dribbled syrup over them before opening his napkin to place it in his lap. He wasn’t particularly hungry himself, he realized as he picked up his fork. At the head of the table, Clay’s food set mostly untouched as well.

Jonathon looked up to find Alexandria watching him, her brows slightly furrowed. He met her gaze and wondered what answer she was looking for as her eyes seemed to question him. He watched tears threaten and watched her just as quickly fight them.

“It’s okay to cry,” he offered softly, for her ears alone. Alexandria gave an almost imperceptive shake of her head and dropped her gaze.

“Mama!” Lilly came running into the room; tears streamed down her face.

“I’m right here, baby,” Alexandria turned as Lilly flung herself into her arms. “Come on, let’s get you dressed,” Alexandria stood and moved from the room.

Jonathon shook his head and turned to his plate.

“She’s shutting us all out,” Shirley commented beside him.

“She’ll come around,” Jonathon tried to reassure her.

“I just don’t know how to help her,” Carolyn turned to him, her gaze troubled.

“Just be there for her, Mrs. Cannon, that’s all anyone can do.”

“You went through this rather recently yourself,” Carolyn spoke her thoughts aloud.

“Yes, Ma’am and it’s taken a while but I’m moving past the worst of it now. Just be there for her when she does reach out.”

“Thank you, Mr. Stewart,” Carolyn offered what she hoped was a grateful smile.

“Mrs. Morris, I am so sorry for your loss,” Tristan Price extended his condolences. He was the ranch’s closest neighbor and a lifelong acquaintance of Alexandria and her family.

“Thank you, Mr. Price,” Alexandria returned.

“Please be careful, Mrs. Morris, I still can’t believe he was…I’m sorry, it’s just disturbing. You know you can call on me if you need me; right?” His hazel eyes were earnest as he studied her face.

“I appreciate your concern, Mr. Price; I’ll keep that in mind.”

Tristan moved on to be replaced by another neighbor. They had started arriving bearing dishes of food not long after breakfast and morning chore time. Alexandria, hoping her responses were appropriate, was running on autopilot. The night of lost sleep was starting to catch up with her. Lilly clung to her as she had all morning; Alexandria was left to shift her from arm to arm.

“Come on, Lilly, let Grandma take you?” Carolyn reached for the toddler.

“Nooo!” the child shrieked.

“Leave her, Mama; she’s fine,” Alexandria rubbed the child’s back in small circles.

“Why don’t you go and lay down with her, Alexandria; you look exhausted,” her mother fretted.

“Maybe I should,” Alexandria agreed. She moved to the stairs and was about to take the first step when her father ushered her in-laws into the house.

Janice rushed across the room and threw her arms around both Alexandria and Lilly. She was a statuesque woman, complimenting her husband’s burly size. Her brown and gray streaked hair perfectly offset her blue eyes. Nathaniel looked like an older version of Elijah with his blonde hair and blue eyes. It was easy to imagine that Elijah would have looked very much like his father had he reached that age.

“Oh, dear, I am so sorry,” Janice cried as she held them.

“How are you, Janice?” Alexandria addressed the woman she knew only from her wedding and through letters.

“I’ve been better,” the woman admitted as she righted herself and mopped her face with her handkerchief. Janice laid her hand on Lilly’s tear stained face; her own tears threatened again.

“How’s she doing?”

“She’s clingy at moment,” Alexandria admitted.

“That’s understandable,” Janice nodded. Nathaniel had caught up with his wife at this point and hugged Alexandria briefly before placing his hand on his wife’s shoulder.

“Are you ready to go into the parlor?” his own face showed evidence of recent tears.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Janice nodded.

Alexandria trailed them into the parlor and watched as they held each other and cried. What would it be like to have that with someone, she wondered?

“Can Aunt Anna hold you?” Anna approached Lilly with her hands out.

Lilly whimpered and pulled away.

“I know you must be getting tired,” Anna commented.

“It feels right holding her,” Alexandria countered; Anna offered her a small smile.

“Hello, Mr. Stewart,” Anna greeted him as he entered the room.

“Miss. Cannon,” he greeted in return before moving to a chair on the opposite end of the room.

Janice moved to Alexandria’s side and took a deep steadying breath. “You expect your kids to outlive you,” she told them. “Can Nana hold you dear?” she reached for her grandchild.

Once again Lilly turned away.

“I’m sorry, Janice, please don’t take it personal; she’s been like this all day.”

“No, no; I understand actually. If I was around her more it would help but no, I suspect that given all she’s lost in the past two years she wants to hold onto what she has left.”

“Janice, would you and Nathaniel like something to eat?” Carolyn approached them.

“I need to; I haven’t since…since I received word.”

“Let’s try,” Nathaniel suggested as he took his wife by the elbow. He knew he would be alright but Janice tended to become weak if she skipped more than one meal.

Jonathon watched Alexandria move to look out the window; Lilly’s legs were wrapped around Alexandria like a monkey. Alexandria looked exhausted and reached to rub at her back. Jonathon stood and moved to stand behind her, his gaze met Lilly’s.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he picked up her small hand and rubbed it with his thumb. “It’s a bad day isn’t, baby?” he asked as another sob racked her body. She was too young at not quite four to understand death, or should be, but her mother’s had given the word meaning. Alexandria glanced back at him curiously.

“You’re scared your mommy is going to go away too aren’t you?” he asked her. Lilly nodded against her mother’s shoulder.

“That’s scary, I know,” he nodded. “Do you think I could hold you if I stay right here with your mommy where you can see her or go back to her if you want?” Jonathon asked. He could see her consider it. She sat up and looked at her mother and then at him hesitantly.

“We’ll stay right with her, won’t let her out of our sight. We’ll pretend we’re her shadow, okay?” Jonathon extended his arms and let her make the choice. She finally reached for him and nestled her head on his shoulder in a way that kept Alexandria in her sight.

“Thank you,” Alexandria reached to rub at her back again.

“I should be thanking Ms. Lillian; it’s a privilege to get to hold her,” Jonathon countered.

“It is,” a small smile lifted Alexandria’s lips. She moved to the settee and seated herself for the first time in several hours. “Will this day ever end?” she asked in exhaustion.

“Eventually,” he assured her.

“Good. I wish the funeral were today and not tomorrow.”

“It should have been if you want my opinion,” he informed her.

“There wouldn’t have been enough time to get the word out,” Alexandria argued.

“Everyone who really mattered would have been there and then you could have all gotten some much needed rest,” he countered.

Alexandria nodded, “I guess you’re right.”

“You’re scared too aren’t you?” Jonathon seated himself in an armchair next to the settee.

“Of course I am; my whole life has changed.”

“Yes, but you’re most scared of losing your new little charge. I can tell your heart is fully involved,” he chose his words carefully so Lilly wouldn’t understand what was being said.

“That scares me more than being a widow,” she admitted.

“There you are…well she finally let you go,” Carolyn entered the room.

“Only because I promised we would be her mommy’s new shadow,” Jonathon informed her.

Carolyn offered him a soft smile. “You’re a good man, Mr. Stewart.”

Jonathon responded with a shrug. “I love kids.”

“Well, I know Alexandria appreciates the break.”

“To some extent she does,” Jonathon acknowledged.

Carolyn frowned at him and Alexandria smiled.

“Okay.”

“I’ll explain later, Mama,” Alexandria promised.

“I’ll hold you to that. You should come eat.”

“I will sit in front of a plate of food if it will make you feel better but I doubt I can eat,” Alexandria said as she stood.

“You need to,” Jonathon informed her.

Alexandria turned to frown at him. “Don’t think that just because you were successful with my daughter that you can now start ordering me around.”

“No, Ma’am,” he quickly assured her. Alexandria turned and Jonathon and Carolyn exchanged amused smiles. When Alexandria turned back to them suspiciously they quickly schooled their features.

“We’re right behind you; your new shadows,” Jonathon reminded her. Alexandria continued to survey them a moment before turning and continuing to the kitchen.

***

“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”

Alexandria tuned out the pastor’s words. They were words too familiar and heard too often; she could quote them by heart. What she wanted was for someone to tell her what she was to do now. How was she to raise her daughter? How was she to be both Mom and Dad now? Who would intervene when Lilly threw a tantrum? Would she even be allowed to try? In ways Lilly had become her whole life, the thought of losing her now was nearly unbearable.

If she was allowed to keep Lilly, where would they live? On the ranch? She knew nothing of ranching, though admittedly she was a quick study. Her head swirled with these questions and more until she pressed a hand to her temple to try and steady her world. Her mother’s arm slipped around her waist and Alexandria leaned into her and welcomed her comfort.