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Authors: Iris Murdoch

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BOOK: A Fairly Honourable Defeat
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‘Peter was certainly keen to get away from us.’
‘And better living with Tallis than living all alone in digs.’
‘I know. I’m so terrified of his starting to take drugs. And he did want to stay with Tallis, and just then one was jolly glad that he
wanted
to do anything.’
‘And Tallis thought he could help him.’
‘That’s the trouble. Poor old Tallis often thinks he can help people but really he’s hopelessly incompetent. And that house, Rupert. It’s never cleaned. It’s littered with filthy junk of every sort. It smells like the Zoo. And the old father making messes in corners. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were lice, only of course Tallis would never notice. Peter needs discipline and order. Living on that stinking rubbish heap can’t be good for his mind.’
‘You exaggerate, Hilda. When Tallis and Morgan were living together in Putney their house was pretty untidy too, as I remember. ’
‘And I always took it as a bad sign. If people love each other they keep things neat.’
‘That’s absurd. And surely there was no doubt that they
did
love each other?’
‘Maybe. I was never so sure. Well, they
did,
but they were both such ninnies.’
‘If only they’d had a child.’
‘I doubt if Morgan wanted a child. She wanted to be free to take off. Of course Tallis is a terribly odd man in a way. Losing his twin sister at the age of fourteen probably crazed him up for life.’
‘I think Tallis is one of the sanest men I know.’
‘I was just waiting for you to say that, darling. I could see that marriage would never work.’
‘But you shouldn’t have said so quite so often! Sometimes the just prophet is not forgiven.’
‘Morgan would forgive me anything. I would forgive her anything. ’
‘I know. You are very close.’
‘Yes. Closer perhaps than you’ve ever really realized.’
‘You’re making me jealous!’
‘Don’t be silly, darling.’
‘Aren’t you the tiniest bit possessive about your younger sister?’
‘Certainly. I would never have thought
anyone
good enough for Morgan.’
‘Of course, the fact that you’re beautiful and she’s not—’
‘Has nothing whatever to do with it. Morgan has an
interesting
face. And she’s so clever. She could have married whoever she wanted. In a way, Tallis was the last thing she should have chosen. She needed someone with more dignity.’
‘Or possibly one of those bullies.’
‘No, no, Rupert. Morgan is a democrat too. If Tallis had even got himself a decent job, a university job, he could have done if he’d tried—’
‘He only got a second, and—’
‘Oh, all you dreary firsts with your built-in-for-life sense of superiority! Tallis is a perfectly self-respecting intellectual, or he could be if he’d only pull his socks up. What’s happened to that book on Marx and de Tocqueville that he was writing?’
‘I think he’s abandoned it.’
‘There you are. His activities are all so wet and dilettante and disconnected. All that bitty adult education and dribs and drabs of social work and nothing ever achieved or finished. There’s something
feeble
about it. And I wish he’d behave more normally about Morgan.’
‘You mean more jealously?’
‘Yes. And don’t tell me it’s noble to overcome jealousy.’
‘I was about to do so.’
‘You can’t cheat nature, you can’t cheat biology.’
‘I personally find magnanimity very attractive. But in fact, my dear Hilda, we have no means of knowing how jealous or unjealous Tallis really is. Why should he tell us anything?’
‘I know. But he’s so spiritless. And such a muddler.’
‘He’s damn tired at the moment is my impression.’
‘Tired? Of course he’s tired. He takes on far too much and then he gets confused and overborne. And since Morgan left him he’s begun to go to pieces anyway. He just can’t cope.’
‘For us whose lives so pre-eminently work it may be hard to imagine. But I do think you’re a little too down on people who can’t cope, darling!’
‘Well, I do think a reasonable amount of efficiency is an aspect of morals. There’s a sort of ordered completeness of life and an intelligent use of one’s talents which is the mark of a man. And Tallis is a peculiarly dangerous example to Peter just at this moment. Tallis never seems to know what he can manage and what he can’t. Having his old papa to live with him is crazy. Then wanting to take on Peter as well. And do you know that Tallis calls Leonard “Daddy”? A grown man who calls his father “Daddy” is really out.’
‘Out, Hilda? Out of what?’
‘Don’t be so bolshy, Rupert. “Yes, Dad.” “Certainly, Daddy.” Oh, I suppose it’s harmless but it’s somehow a symptom of total ineptitude. Leonard is no fool, you know, though he’s pretty peculiar too in some ways. I think I get on with Leonard now better than I do with Tallis.’
‘Leonard was very fond of Morgan.’
‘Yes. The break must have been a blow to him. I thought I’d go over there tomorrow. Have you got any matchboxes for Leonard?’
‘I’ll look. What are you going to say to Peter?’
‘Nothing special. I can do nothing with Peter, dear heart. You know how it is. We both get emotional, and then Peter just withdraws into that awful unfeeling blankness. Oh God!’
‘I blame myself—’
‘For what? That’s the trouble. For what? What mistake did we make with Peter? You must see him soon again, Rupert, you really must.’
‘When I see Peter I find myself play-acting the stern father. It’s not what I feel at all. It’s just mechanical.’
‘I know. We’ve both of us been rather mechanized about Peter I’m afraid. We thought if he found Cambridge too luxurious he would automatically enjoy helping Tallis with Jamaicans. But he doesn’t appear to like that either!’
‘If only he wanted to go abroad. When I was his age—’
‘Yes, yes. I suppose Tallis hadn’t anything new to say when you last saw him? He never has.’
‘About Peter? He made one rather cryptic remark. He said Peter wasn’t too strong on the mine and thine front.’
‘What on earth does that mean? He can’t mean that Peter
steals
things?’
‘I didn’t pursue the matter. I’d just had a pretty grim half hour with the boy. And a number of black children were screaming in the doorway.’
‘Darling, I suspect Tallis really irritates you just as much as he irritates me!’
‘He lacks the concept of privacy.’
‘Anyway, Tallis always exaggerates. He likes everything to be awful.’
‘It’s the characteristic of an unhappy man.’
‘Rupert, I think we should ask Tallis over here and discuss the whole matter and make some entirely new plan. Oh damn, we can’t if Morgan’s here.’
‘I’m afraid Tallis has just rather lost touch where Peter’s concerned. He used to have some authority over him, but not any longer.’
‘The scales have fallen. People get over Tallis. I’m sure Morgan has. Anyway, I wish to God
someone
would persuade Peter to go back to Cambridge in October!’
‘I thought perhaps a talk with Axel might—’
‘Yes, I thought of that, but I rather suspect that Peter’s gone off Axel. He used to like him. But recently—And you know how Peter’s never really got on with Simon.’
‘The two things may be connected. There’s still a good deal of time, you know, Hilda. And the college is being very decent about it.’
‘I know, we mustn’t fret too much. I wonder if Morgan could help Peter?’
‘He used to be awfully attached to her, and he admires her, which is important with Peter.’
‘Of course he’s grown up a lot since he last saw Auntie Morgan.’
‘Morgan may be in need of help herself.’
‘I know, Rupert. I suspect this whole thing has been a pretty severe shipwreck. Morgan treasures her self-esteem. And it must have taken a knock. What’s that Latin tag you’re always quoting about
dilig
something?’
‘
Dilige et fac quod vis.
Love and do as you please.’
‘Yes. I think Morgan imagined she could live by that. And it’s turned out a mess.’
‘I doubt if any human being can live by that. That we can’t is a fundamental feature of this jumble.’
‘Did you say “jungle” or “jumble”?’
‘Jumble. Human existence.’
‘Why are you always quoting the thing then, if it has no application? ’
‘It’s—an attractive idea.’
‘Pouf! Yes, I do think Morgan will need help, and not only from me. Everyone must rally round. After all she’s very fond of you and Simon. We must all support her.’
‘When is Morgan arriving from America? She’s coming by boat isn’t she?’
‘Yes, it’ll be another ten days at least. She didn’t say the exact date.’
‘Julius may have moved on by then.’
‘That might be just as well. I wonder if Morgan has written to Peter?’
‘We’d have seen the letter.’
‘She might have written to college.’
‘You mean if she has, Peter will have told Tallis she’s coming?’
‘I doubt if she’ll have written to him, actually. She’s been so terribly depressed lately. She’s probably forgotten Peter’s existence. Anyway she might have a go at him when she does arrive. At least she’s an intellectual, not like me.’
‘Don’t be silly, Hilda. Of course you’re an intellectual. You—’
‘I can’t think of anything dottier than arguing about whether I’m an intellectual on our twentieth wedding anniversary! I mean I’m not one of your trained minds.’
‘Well, you could have been, only I snatched you up so early. You don’t regret it, do you, darling, not having been to a university? You know it isn’t important.’
‘Yet it’s important that Tallis got a second. You mention it about once a month. All right, I’m only teasing you. I’m not an academic type. Morgan is, to her finger tips. You know, her being cleverer than Tallis was half the trouble. Tallis is a man without ideas, and Morgan lives by them. No wonder Julius turned out to be a pretty strong counter-attraction.’
‘Yes. She would be likely to be dazzled by Julius’s cleverness. I’m afraid your sister is a bit of a clever-snob.’
‘Why snob? These are serious values. And cleverness can be sexual power. I must say Julius is terribly good-looking anyway, with that weird fair Jewishness. And Tallis is such a sort of
runt.
’
‘What a horrid word, Hilda. Surely that can’t truthfully describe anybody.’
‘Why not, you high-minded old ass? Can “sagacious, open-faced and virile” truthfully describe someone?’
‘Who are you trying to describe?’
‘You, of course!’
‘Hilda, you should have been a philosopher.’
‘I suppose Julius
will
ring up? I mean, I hope he won’t feel he’s
persona non grata
here after the story with Morgan?’
‘I think he’ll ring up. Julius is a tremendously straightforward person.’
‘I must confess I’m curious to see how Julius will carry it off. Not that I know him particularly well, he’s always been so much your friend. But he’s a very interesting object.’
‘I’m curious too. But there’ll be no excuses or undignified prevarications, that’s certain. Julius may be clever, but he’s also very truthful and sort of simple.’
‘If only Julius and Morgan had met years ago.’
‘Well, they’ve met now and it doesn’t seem to have worked.’
‘We’ll see, we’ll see. Give me more champagne, will you, darling, and could you just tilt the umbrella a little more? Rupert, if only Peter would come, if only he’d come out through that door now. I said I was happy. And in everything to do with you I am, quite perfectly. But this other thing is such a cloud on the horizon. I can’t help worrying the whole time with Peter in this awful mood.’
‘I think it
is
a mood, my dear, and as moods pass, it will pass.’
‘I hope you’re right. If we could only break down the mechanism. If I could only stop acting the emotional mother and you the stern father.’
‘I am sure that love tells in the end, Hilda. There are times when one’s just got to go on loving somebody helplessly, with blank hope and blank faith. When love just
is
hope and faith in their most denuded form. Then love becomes almost impersonal and loses all its attractiveness and its ability to console. But it is just then that it may exert its greatest power. It is just then that it may really be able to redeem. Love has its own cunning beyond our conscious wiles. Peter is being difficult, but he knows that he has got a home in our love. He probably relies on it more than he realizes.’
BOOK: A Fairly Honourable Defeat
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