A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction (13 page)

The partner who has been betrayed also usually feels shame in many ways, such as shame about being rejected by her partner. After all, he has chosen to be with other people sexually (whether images or actual people) rather than being with her. She often feels shame about being perceived as someone who would be in and remain in such a relationship. She probably also feels shame for her partner. She often has concerns about talking about what is going on with her partner because she doesn’t want her partner to look bad in the eyes of her friends and family. She blames her partner for engaging in actions that have created difficulty for the couple. She is not getting what she wants and feels she needs.

Although it is natural to focus on the behaviors of the partner who has been acting out sexually, particularly initially, it has been shown that true healing occurs by focusing on the couple’s dynamic, not just on the partner who is sexually compulsive. In particular, we have found that the dynamics of blame and shame tend to be highly activated for both partners, especially during the times of discovery, disclosure, or the unraveling of one partner’s acting out in a compulsive way.

The pattern of shame and blame grabs each partner in its own special and probably familiar way. Also, in shame and blame there tends to be a game of musical chairs. The partner relegated to “loser”—the partner who doesn’t get to sit in the chair when the music stops—can flip between each of the pair. Each partner tends to want the other person to be the source of the problem. In truth, in the game of blame and shame, both partners are losers. There is no chair to sit in when the music stops. There is no winner when we are trapped by our shame mechanisms.

The storyline of blame and shame tends to be different for each of the partners, but the underlying structures are generally remarkably similar for both. We tend to mirror each other in surprising ways. Let’s begin the investigation of how shame and blame work so that as a couple you can learn how to both be winners when shame comes to visit.

The Seeds of Shame

As mentioned in
Chapter 1
, we quite naturally require human connection at a biological level. We have evolved as members of a tribe and as part of a society. We need each other. Our connection with one another brings meaning, purpose, and joy into our lives.

However, in order to live in groups, we need to learn what is acceptable and what is unacceptable; otherwise, our society doesn’t work. We would live in chaos. We need to internally gain the structures of being able to discern right from wrong, good from bad, so we can comfortably live as part of the group. Instinctively, we know that being kicked out of our group would be dangerous to our survival. We want to belong, and we need to belong.

Our training in becoming productive humans requires discipline. We need to learn not to hit our friend because he made us angry, not to scream and throw a temper tantrum because we can’t have ice cream, or not to run out into the street. We need to learn, “No, don’t do that, that behavior is unacceptable.”

Shame arises when we mistakenly associate unacceptable or “bad” with who we are inherently rather than simply with our actions. When we associate bad with our actions (not with our being), then we can appropriately recognize that our actions require some modification. We can appropriately feel guilt and remorse, which are part of a healthy correcting mechanism. We recognize that our action was in error, and then choose to take a different course of action in the future.

We naturally learn by trial and error. We can even make a huge error and experience huge guilt and remorse, but still recognize that it was an error of action and not a fundamental flaw in the core essence of who we are.

While it doesn’t necessarily feel good to experience guilt and remorse, it does not touch the heart of who we are—our core “me-ness,” our wholeness. We can deeply regret a mistaken action or choice, but our self-love, our self-acceptance has not been impacted. Recognizing we made a mistake is far different than believing we are a mistake.

Believing we are a mistake is the fuel of shame. The shame voice inside of you says,
I am inherently bad, or worthless, or unredeemable, or evil, or defective, or useless, or broken,
or whatever words you internally apply to yourself. This voice may speak to you at times in a whisper, at times in a scream. You may not hear the voice of your shame directly; you may just feel it as a sense of dread or foreboding.

Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, an expert on shame and its impact, speaks of a shame epidemic. Her research has led her to conclude that the perfectionistic drives of our society have taken us on a wild goose chase to achieve the unachievable, to become extraordinary. She has concluded that shame is not an effective motivating influence; it is more likely to cause destructive behaviors than to cure them. Shame is correlated with the compensatory behaviors we use to attempt to get away from bad feelings—reactions such as the numbing-out strategies of addictive behaviors or those of aggression and violent action.

This means that internally we have a broken motivational system. The system of guilt (I
did
something bad) leads to remorse. That allows us to make a different choice. Unfortunately, this kind of functional motivational system is being co-opted by the internally destructive mechanism of shame (I
am
bad).

More Shame and Blame Is Not the Answer

Your broken system of shame is not a cause for more shame or blame. Your parents, teachers, and other authorities—the people who trained you—probably spoke to you in ways that were shaming, and now you have incorporated those shaming voices into your internal structures. You are the product of your heritage, as your parents, teachers, and other authority figures were the products of their heritage. You now have the opportunity to respond differently for yourself and for everyone you contact.

It’s not necessarily simple to alter this internal pattern. Using your shame system to get yourself to change won’t eradicate your shame system. Changing any deeply engrained system takes time and attention, but the alternative is continuing to be at the mercy of the impact of the mechanisms of shame. We believe it is skillful (and compassionate) to assume that you will need to work with your internal shame mechanisms in some fashion, to some degree, for the rest of your life. However, it is certainly possible to gain skill and expertise in doing so and thus increase your capacity for vulnerability, compassion, and intimacy.

The Antidote to Shame

First, you just need to notice how you are using shame as an internal regulator. Watch how shame works inside of you. Do you lash out, run away, freeze up, become seductive—all of the above? Do you hear shame, see it internally, feel it, sense it—all of the above? How do you align internally with your shame mechanism? How do you fight against it? Neither the aligning nor the fighting against it is going to be effective; you can’t fight against it. Why? Because you will just be fighting against yourself. The structure is a part of you. You have internalized the shaming voices of your domestication.

The antidote is compassion for yourself first. The word “compassion” comes from Latin, and literally means “to suffer with.” Just like a crying baby is not comforted by hatred but by tenderness, your internalized “badness” is not comforted by attempting to expel it but by accepting, by making friends with the uncomfortable feeling you are having. Compassion is a quality that arises in a moment of allowing yourself to be undefended, to be vulnerable.

We recognize that it feels counterintuitive to move toward vulnerability when you are experiencing shame. Shame feels bad, and we all quite naturally want to get away from it, eradicate it, kill it, at least blame someone else for it! In
Chapter 7
, we will speak more fully about the mechanism of letting go of your uncomfortably strong feelings and emotions and developing vulnerability.

Shame: It Just Won’t Listen to Reason

Attempting to reason with your shame, using logic or positive self-talk, can be just another form of engaging in a battle with your feelings of shame. Letting go into vulnerability is often experienced as a leap of faith. It can feel as if you are standing on the edge of a cliff and all of your instinctive protection is telling you to get out of there—to fight, to flee, to freeze. Vulnerability is required to leap into compassion. Reasoning can get you to the edge of the cliff. You can read these words, understand them, understand the mechanism, but the letting go requires a giving up of control. Just for a moment, when you recognize that your protective impulses are telling you that you are in danger but you aren’t really in danger, in that instant, even as a momentary experiment, stop protecting. Let the experience of shame have you, become vulnerable to it. You do not have to maintain the facade of perfection.

You can tell yourself, “I am not really bad” when you are feeling shame, but we’re guessing you have tried that over and over. Someone else can tell you, “You are not really bad,” and we bet you’ve tried that one, too. That is the approach of reasoning, of arguing. It can provide temporary solace, and can be helpful, but right now we are looking at how you can get to the root of the shame mechanism.

The Limits of Reason and Logic

If you are looking for a good restaurant, you may peruse a number of different restaurant menus. Then when you choose the place you want, you go to the restaurant, order your meal, and when it comes you enjoy it (hopefully!). Reviewing all of those menus helped you choose a restaurant. Studying the menu of the restaurant you chose helped you decide what to order. They were great tools to assist you in getting to the point of actually receiving the food. But eating even one of those restaurant menus itself would not be satisfying or helpful. In the same way, using reason and logic can help you understand shame mechanism, but won’t, on its own, get rid of the shame. It is helpful and necessary to learn how you conclude that you are unworthy of acceptance and belonging. This understanding allows you to recognize that your shame mechanism has been activated. It is helpful to use your intellect to build your self-esteem. But the gnawing sense of shame, that you are inherently flawed, is not relieved by greater self-esteem, words, or even understanding the concept that you are not bad.

The Leather Earth

The outcome of greater vulnerability is the building of greater compassion internally, and greater compassion internally leads to greater compassion for others. This compassion and vulnerability fosters greater intimacy. But there is a pitfall that many of us make on our road to seeking greater intimacy.

We have heard a story about Jeradiah, who long, long ago lamented the pain of walking the earth in his bare feet. He was tired of the cuts, bruises, and blisters that came from treading over rocks, hot sand, and thorny plants. So he went to his friend Horatio to get some help. His idea was that if he and Horatio could simply cover the earth in the skins of animals, cover the entire ground in leather, then he and everyone else could be free of the torment of their journeying. Horatio, being an extremely wise soul, carefully considered Jeradiah’s proposal and then offered an alternative suggestion ”Jeradiah,” he said, ”what if, instead of the monumental and I’m afraid impossible task of covering the entire earth in leather, you were to simply cover your feet in leather!”

The experience of shame is relieved by compassion for yourself. This compassion is reached through vulnerability—by allowing yourself to be undefended. In the moment of recognizing that you are in the midst of a shame storm, you have the opportunity to choose vulnerability rather than fighting, fleeing, or freezing. The menu is not the meal; the map is not the journey. The tools and your understandings have gotten you to this point. The liberation from shame is in letting go internally to the vulnerability of compassion rather than hatred.

It is so easy to make the mistake (particularly with your intimate partner) of assuming that if you can get him or her to just stop doing those annoying things then you will not have to feel the discomfort of shame. You can so easily fall into the trap of, “I want you to do or not do ______________________________, so that I will feel or not feel ______________________________.” You can attempt to cover your entire earth in leather. But it’s just not possible. However, you can skillfully cover your feet in leather by recognizing and applying compassion to your own internal mechanism of shame. You can begin to recognize how you are gripped by “I am bad.’”

The capacity to feed yourself with compassion frees both you and your partner from having to behave in a particular way to prevent shame from coming to visit.

Pointing Fingers: The Tricks of Blame

This understanding does not mean that you have license to do or say whatever you want, and then if your partner has a bad reaction, you can just tell your partner to “do their work” or to “get over it.” That thinking is actually the opposite of the responsibility for oneself that we are describing. If you are in the midst of a disagreement with your partner, attempting to tell your partner about his or her faulty thinking is only a trick of blame. If you stick with righteous indignation, you avoid feeling the pain of what is arising. Then you will not be able to take responsibility for your part.