A Child of Jarrow (25 page)

‘Oh, hinny, maybes I let you think that ‘cos you had your heart set on the idea—' Rose suddenly stopped and gazed at Alexander. ‘You lived at the rectory when you were a lad?'

‘Yes - after my mother died.'

‘Little Alexander Pringle!' Rose gasped. ‘That was you?' Her hands flew to her mouth as he nodded.

‘Mam, what's wrong?'

Rose shook her head, tears welling in her deep brown eyes. ‘Always wondered what became of you,' she whispered. ‘Such a bright little lad - always wantin' attention. My William was that taken with you.'

Alexander started at the name.

‘Don't you remember us? We took you to the circus.'

He felt winded. ‘So that was you?'

Rose nodded.

They stared at each other, Alexander not wanting it to be true. He was repulsed by the thought that this rough woman could be the pretty, friendly young mother of his memory with the kind husband whom he had once wished to live with. Yet guilt swept over him for thinking so badly of her and bringing such trouble to her door.

‘Poor bairn,' Rose said pityingly, ‘you went around like a lamb that'd lost its sheep. Nobody wanted to keep you.'

Alexander could cope with her anger, but he could not bear to be pitied. He had been wanted! The Liddells had loved him and Jeremiah had adopted him. He didn't need her to be sorry for him — she was the one to be pitied!

‘I don't see how you could possibly know,' he said hotly, ‘being just the daily maid.'

Rose coloured. ‘Aye, you did all right for yoursel' in the end,' she said, her tone hardening. ‘For a coachman's son.'

‘I must go,' he said curtly, grabbing up his hat and cane from the table.

Rose came after him as he made for the door. ‘Just remember I knew you when you were a nipper - when your posh relations washed their hands of you. We showed you more kindness than half of them.'

‘You don't know what you're talking about,' Alexander said in disdain. ‘Good day to you, Mrs McMullen.'

‘I know this much,' Rose retorted. ‘The rector would turn in his grave if he knew what you'd done to one of my daughters! Not so high and mighty after all, are you? Scratch the surface and you're a common Pringle underneath, for all your airs and graces.'

She pursued him out of the house. Kate tried to hold her back.

‘Stop, Mam. Let him go!'

‘It's not just our Kate who's made up a fancy story about her family, is it?' Rose couldn't stem her anger. ‘And you dare to judge her for saying her da was as good as the likes of a Liddell? Well, he was! My William was worth ten of your kind - a hundred! Do you hear?'

Alexander strode away with Rose's furious words echoing against the brick walls around him. He could not look back nor get away quickly enough. His heart pounded with anger and fear. To think he had come here to save Kate. He had so nearly made the most foolish mistake of his life. He ran up Leam Lane, away from the docks, not caring where he went as long as it put distance between him and that harridan of a mother.

Ten minutes later he found himself on high ground overlooking Jarrow. In the distance sat the hunched black outline of the old monastery, marooned by the greenish sludge of the River Don, which spewed into the choppy Tyne. Jarrow Slake. He remembered it now; the tidal backwash of filthy water where he had watched enviously as other children played on the floating timbers. Cousin Christina had forbidden him to go near it.

A sudden wave of regret and longing for those far-off days engulfed him. For a moment he remembered the intense excitement of being taken to the circus, of grasping a hand either side of him and being lifted into the air like a bird. William's hand; Rose's hand. Alexander gave out a deep cry of anguish. How could he have been so cruel to Kate and her mother? He was beyond contempt!

He turned and looked back on the grey huddle of Tyne Dock. Should he go back? But what would he say? What could he possibly do to make amends apart from marry Kate? And deep in the pit of his stomach he knew the answer. He had loved her recklessly - loved her still. But he did not have the courage to give up everything for her. The poverty that clung to her frightened him. He had been cast adrift too often in life not to hanker for the security and fussing love that Jeremiah and Polly could give him. Unlike Lady Ravensworth, he was not rich enough to defy society and follow his heart.

He was a romantic, but a coward. Kate knew that now; it had shown in her look of bitter betrayal as he fled. He could do nothing to change the way he was. Alexander cursed himself for having tried to find her. He had been in love with an illusion, a romantic link back to his briefly happy time at the rectory. But he had left and lost Jarrow a long time ago and there was no going back.

Striding down towards the town and the station, Alexander knew he would never come here again.

Chapter 31

Kate watched Alexander's retreating figure through a blur of hot tears. He was deserting her! Rose's screaming abuse made her cower against the wall in shame. Blood raced in her ears, making her sick and dizzy. All her being wanted to race after him and beg to be taken with him, but her legs were shaking and useless.

‘He's gone!' she moaned in disbelief, sinking on to the worn step, a huge sob building up inside like a tidal wave.

For one brief, glorious moment she believed he had come to rescue her from this purgatory, from the whispers and looks and avoidance of neighbours, from the daily castigation of her stepfather, from pretending to be ill every time Father O'Neill called. But he had only come out of curiosity, a twinge of guilt that he hoped to ease by throwing his pocket change at her. How dare he? How wrong she had been about him. Where was the generous, passionate man who had told her how much he loved her and promised they would find a way to be together? Kate buried her face in her hands and wept.

‘Haway inside, lass,' Rose urged, pulling her up, her anger abating at the sight of her distraught daughter.

Kate clung to her, sobbing and shaking in shock. Inside again, she collapsed on the settle, weeping uncontrollably.

‘Stop that,' Rose commanded, alarmed by her hysteria. ‘He's gone and there's nowt we can do.'

‘B-but I want him, Mam,' Kate cried. ‘He's the father of me bairn. How can he do this to us? I wish he'd never come!'

‘And I wish you'd had more sense! Fancy you thinking such a man would marry you,' Rose scolded in her misery. ‘You can tell by looking he's a bad ‘un. Was wild as a bairn and he hasn't got better with age.'

Kate was reproachful. ‘You wanted me to court him. You told me to make some'at of myself.'

‘Don't blame this mess on me.' Rose was sharp. ‘I never told you to commit a mortal sin.'

Suddenly Kate was seized by a sharp pain and screamed.

‘Whatever's the matter?' Rose cried.

Kate clutched her belly. ‘Oh, Mam, the bairn,' she whimpered in fear.

Quickly Rose was at her side, feeling her brow. ‘You're hot as a furnace. Lie down.' She loosened Kate's clothing and, fetching a basin of water, began to wipe her burning face and neck.

‘Will the baby be all right?' Kate asked in agitation.

‘Lie still and don't fuss. The bairn's had a shock an' all with all this carry-on. We'll say no more about it.'

‘What about Father? What will we tell him?' Kate panted.

Rose frowned. ‘Nowt. It'll just give him some'at else to shout and rant about.'

‘We can't pretend he never came. The neighbours - he'll hear it from them.'

‘They're too frightened round here to tell him owt,' Rose snorted. ‘And if they do, we'll say it was the tickman I chased away.'

‘What about the money?' Kate worried.

‘He'll not get his hands on that.' Rose was adamant. ‘I'll not have him pouring it down his neck before the bairn's born. So don't you say a word about the money - or any of this.'

Kate closed her eyes in despair. If she thought she was in torment before, it was nothing to what she felt now. Until today, she had clung to a thread of hope that Alexander would come and save her. She had been able to endure her situation with thoughts of him, comforted by the belief that he still loved her wherever he might be.

But that hope had been torn to pieces by his sudden brutal visit. She would never forget the look of horror on his face when she entered the room, the way he recoiled to see her pregnant state. All she had longed to do was rush to him and throw her arms about him in joy. But he had not even tried to touch her. He had been repulsed by her lowly situation and the dismal surroundings of Learn Lane - just as she knew he would be.

How did she ever think she could cross the huge social chasm between them? Only in the magical surroundings of Ravensworth had they been able to create the illusion that the differences between them did not matter. If they had met in a tavern in Jarrow, he might never have given her a second glance. Oh, how bitterly she regretted their meeting now! Kate wished she had never set eyes on Alexander Pringle-Davies.

***

The weeks of late pregnancy dragged on interminably. Kate retreated into herself, tormented by inner thoughts and hardly speaking a word. Her family watched her warily and even John noticed how subdued and miserable she seemed. He put it down to a guilty conscience and continued to badger her to stay indoors and not give the neighbours an excuse to gossip.

Kate needed no lecturing. She went nowhere and spoke to no one outside her immediate family. She felt unwell most of the time. In the warmer weather she could not settle at night or find a comfortable way to lie. Her heart pounded erratically and tears came unbidden at any time of the day or night. The baby twisted and turned restlessly within, then lay for long hours like a leaden weight, frightening her with its stillness.

Kate yearned to be rid of it. It was a constant reminder of her weakness and foolish love for Alexander. No other man would want her now and she never wanted to look at another man again.

The bitterness over her predicament increased when Sarah came home towards the end of May. Kate lay in the gloom of the back bedroom with the blinds pulled down as if she were in mourning. Sarah sat whispering on the end of the bed.

‘Michael wants me to marry him,' she told her.

Kate felt a sharp pang of envy. ‘That's grand,' she murmured.

‘Aye - well - I've not said yes.'

‘What?' Kate leant up. ‘Are you daft?'

Sarah pulled a face. ‘He's smaller than me.'

Kate gave a snort of disbelief.

‘And with him working doon the pit,' Sarah added quickly. ‘It's champion now, but what'll it be like as a pitman's missus? His mam skivvies like a slave - up all hours of the day and night feedin' and washin' and gettin' them off to work. And living by the pit, never rid of the dirt...' Sarah agonised. ‘What d'you think I should do?'

Kate seized her sister, shaking her hard. ‘Don't be so bloody daft!' she said fiercely. ‘You've the chance of gettin' wed, so take it. Any sort of marriage is better than nowt.

You're not shy of a bit o' hard work. The lad cares for you - you should thank your lucky stars. Marry him, Sarah,' she cried,' ‘cos you don't want to end up like me!'

Sarah looked shocked by her sister's outburst. Kate had said so little of late, she wondered if she had gone a bit mad in the head. But this was a flash of the old Kate, bossy and forthright and caring. Sarah saw the pain in the younger woman's face and wrapped strong arms around her.

‘Oh, Kate!' she whispered. ‘I'm sorry for what's happened to you. Maybes he'll come for you. You mustn't give up hope.'

Kate pushed her away. She could not bring herself to tell Sarah of Alexander's visit - Sarah whom she had told everything to until now. But it was too painful, and Rose had forbidden his name to be mentioned.

‘He'll not be back,' she said dully. ‘He's wed another lass.' She lay back and turned her face to the yellow-stained wall. ‘Don't ask me about him again.'

***

Alexander and Polly were married in the old parish church at St John's Chapel up Weardale, amid the late blossom and the lush green of May. Alexander looked gaunt and pale, after a bout of haemorrhaging that had kept him in bed most of the month. But he put on a cheerful face and drank deeply at the wedding feast, keeping the demons in his mind at bay. His father looked frail but happy and Alexander convinced himself he had done the right thing.

When ill and feverish he had been plagued by images of Kate that were so real he sometimes cried out her name as if she were there in the room with him. She would bathe his face and body and sing to him. But when the fever left him, so did the delusions and he felt lonelier than he'd ever done in his life.

So when her fair face came to mind during his wedding day, Alexander forced himself to think of her among the squalor of Tyne Dock and how revolted he had felt on that terrible day in April. But when he finally lay with Polly that night, he could not summon up the eager passion he had felt so intensely for Kate. It was then that the crushing weight of guilt he had tried so hard to shirk nearly suffocated him.

Kate was carrying his child and he had cast her aside with cowardly callousness. She might be giving birth at the very time he was marrying another. He had hardly thought about the baby, only how he did not want to be trapped in a life of poverty by it. Now he wondered if it was a girl or a boy. Did it have his hazel eyes or Kate's vivid blue?

‘Perhaps we should postpone our trip to Scandinavia?' Polly suggested, concerned at his tense, preoccupied look. ‘You don't look at all well.'

‘No, we shall go,' Alexander insisted. ‘It will do us good to get away from here.'

So at the beginning of June they travelled to Newcastle and boarded a ship for Gothenburg. Despite a heavy summer shower, Alexander stood gripping the rail, staring out along the banks of the Tyne as they edged downriver. He ground his teeth to stop himself crying out as they passed Jarrow Slake and the half-hidden monastery, then the massive thrusting staithes of Tyne Dock.

‘I'm sorry,' he whispered, his mind in turmoil. ‘Please forgive me, Kate!'

He had made the wrong choice. He should be with her now. It should be Kate sailing with him. Only his cowardly fear of being cut off without an income and his childish revulsion of Kate's origins had stopped them being together.

He would leave Polly! On their return he would go to Kate and ask her forgiveness. He could make a living at something. He would plead for Baron Tamm to give him a job at his ironworks in Sweden. He and Kate would live in one of the neat cottages with its own garden. She would milk the cow...

Alexander squeezed his eyes closed to force back the stinging tears. Always full of such plans and boasts! he mocked himself. But never having the guts to carry them out. Well, he would send Kate money, he sobbed quietly. At least he could do that. When he returned home ...

Averting his face from the sight of the docks and the bustling outcrop of South Shields, Alexander turned his face towards the open sea. He filled his lungs with the salty smell and felt the familiar easing of his worries at the thought of escaping across the blank, empty horizon.