A Break Up Survival Guide (5 page)

How do I create and agree to solid boundaries?

It is important to set defined boundaries regarding your ex/potential ex and his access to you, your home and other previously shared situations and environments, including shared friendships.  Keep communication simple, to the fact and minimum as possible.   Social activities should be treated as businesslike as possible.  If you are not yet capable of doing this, divide the activities and do not attend them together. Your animosity WILL be apparent to the children. You are not together anymore so you should conduct yourself as though the other is off limits to any affection, personal access or emotional confrontations –
especially in front of your children
.
This includes phone calls. 

Visitation – If you have school-aged children, it is ALWAYS best for the children if you can arrange making exchanges at day-care or school. You drop them off at school for example and your ex picks them up from school. It’s emotionally stressful on children of any age to be forced to leave one parent to go to the other. (More on this later).

Tip D
:
Agree to a positive communication style.  For example, tell him that you expect he will not visit your home unannounced and you will do the same.  Make all visitation arrangements or discussions about the children through email or phone while the children are at school.  This can easily be accomplished during your daytime work hours. This is ALWAYS, ALWAYS in the best interest of the children and less stressful to them.

Parent Power for you and your children

Teaching children respect is of utmost importance.  It’s never too late and (as most of us know) it’s much easier to teach this right from the start, BUT if this has not been the case, then start NOW.  It is much easier for your children to trust you and your ex when they SEE you react with respect for yourself and your ex.  It’s not the situation that will hurt or help your children the most; it’s how you react to crisis, crisis of any kind. It’s the old adage “practice what you preach”. SHOW your children that you can see the positive side of things even though they can be painful. React with kindness and understanding of your own feelings and they will learn to do the same.

Tip E
:
Model positive reactive behaviours while reinforcing those behaviours with words.  Young children need your good manners and respectful words in order to learn the same. Older children need to
see and hear
what you are teaching them about respect.

The most important advice I can give is that feelings are factual to the person experiencing the feelings. NEVER give a response to your child such as, “Suck it up” or “You will be fine” or “Just deal with it”. Give them words and ways to cope with the break up. When your child (of any age) tells you they are mad or hurt, you simply say “I understand why you must be feeling this way and I am sorry. What can we do together to help you through this?” Then find fun and genuine ways to show them it’s okay to be sad and that you will get through this
together.
I was once told, “You have to feel it to heal it”. Remember this phrase when your child is angry or sad about your grown-up choices they had nothing to do with. They feel powerless. Your reactions, words and love can help them feel powerful and loved.  

ON HEALTH

• Take care of your health.
  
• Eat plenty of colourful fruits and vegetables.
  
• Avoid sugary, highly processed, refined foods.
  
• Avoid stocking sweets in the house.
  
• Make time to exercise, or at least walk!
  
• If you are not at your healthy weight, change a few things to help you feel better.
  

ON BEAUTY

• If you don’t like what you see in the mirror, you can change that image.
  
• You need to like the person in the mirror.
  
• Take care of your skin and hair with some simple tips.
  
• Wear sunscreen with your moisturiser.
  
• Take time out to dress well just for YOU!
  
• Walk, rest and most importantly sleep!
  
• Make sure your clothes compliment your body shape and size!
  
• You don’t need a lot of money to look good.  Go to a thrift store to save on clothes.
  

ON DATING

•  
  Don’t start looking for Mr. Right too soon. 
    
  First,
  find out  who YOU are and where you are going.
  
•  
  Be happy being single; learn to love YOUR company first.
  
•  
  Learn to pamper yourself.
  
•  
  Date yourself for a while.
  
•  
  Have fun with your girlfriends.
  
• When you want to start dating again, take some sensible      precautions.
  

ON TRANSITIONING

• Do nothing in a hurry especially when you are feeling lonely.
  
• Acknowledge, honour, process and deal with your emotions.
  
• Accept the support of others.  
  
• Take charge of the unexpected.
  
• Take care of yourself physically.
  
• Know that you can take charge of your current situation and move forward.
  
• Maintain a perspective and a positive mental attitude.
  

ON CAREER 

• Stay positive and open-minded about the work situation.
  
• You have to protect your job, as your family is counting on you.
  
• Be grateful that you have a job.
  
• Be prepared to lend a hand in the workplace.
  
• Take initiative.
  
• Take risks at work others may not take.
  
• Demonstrate that you are an enthusiastic, valuable player on the team.
  

ON LAW OF ATTRACTION AND THE ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
     

• Create a list of all the things you DO have.
  
• Eliminate negative thoughts and become an observer of your thoughts.
  
•  
  Use positive affirmations to establish a way of replacing the negative self-talk.
  
•  
  Develop an attitude of gratitude.  Be an appreciator of things you already have.
  
•  
  Break the habit of attracting negatives by focusing on positives.
  
•  
  Buy a Scrap book and fill it with pictures of what you want to see realised in your life.
  
•  
  Use LOA to reduce stress by using affirmations.
  

ON TOOLS TO BRING YOU BACK INTO BALANCE

•   
  Remember, you can’t do this alone. And, you don’t have to.
  
•  
  Choose a tool that suits you.
  
•  
  Find 15 minutes a day for yourself to bring your stress levels   down.
  
•  
  Be consistent and you will notice how much better you cope.
  

ON PARENTING

• Make sure the children understand that they are not at fault for the choices grown-ups make.
  
• Listen to your children.
  
• Do not be disrespectful to the child’s father or to yourself.
  
• Reassure them that they are loved.
  
• Encourage your child to see the good in their father and you.
  
• Define set boundaries regarding your ex or potential ex and his access to you.
  
• Keep communication simple.
  
• Agree to a positive communication style.
  
• Teach your child respect.
  
• Model positive reactive behaviour.
  

I do believe that much of what we continually attract in our lives, especially one relationship after another, is a reflection of what is going on inside of us.

This was the harshest realization I ever had to face in my life and it wasn’t until the end of my third relationship that I got it, faced it and decided to change it.

There is no power in blaming the other person as not being ‘the right one’ or it was something the other person did or was.  Ask yourself, “What is it in me that continues to attract the same kind of situation or person into my life over and over and over again?”

Much of my conditioning and watching what my mother and her generation settled for was so ingrained in my psyche that I took it on board without realizing it.  I watched as my mother and grandmother’s generation settled for less than adequate. I came from a conditioning that went something like:  “You should be so lucky he even looks at you and that he lets you breathe the same oxygen as he does”.   Never in any of the relationships I experienced in the earlier part of my life, did I feel adequate, worthy and deserving.  It was my lack of self-respect, self-love and worthlessness that continued to attract the same kind of man into my life, over and over and over again. 

I kept attracting men who thought as little of me as I thought of myself.  I could not blame any one of them for treating me any less that they did, because I had not learned to love myself first.  So how could they give me the love and respect that I did not have for myself?

Very recently I was given something from a friend that was truly awe inspiring and came to me when I had made one of the most difficult decisions of my life.  And I did it because I had grown to love myself.  I finally developed the self-respect and self-love I so deserved.  I would like to share this with you and I hope that you remember that this journey you call your break up is a corner you are turning.  It is happening because it is supposed to happen.  If it didn’t, you would not want to improve yourself, your life, and your circumstances.  If it did not happen, you would not strive to better yourself, search for answers.  You would not go out and seek more.  God is wonderful, God is great, and God is magnificent.  God knows the desires of your heart. 

“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy.  If you aren’t being treated with love and respect, check your price tag.  Maybe you’ve marked yourself down. It’s YOU who tells people what your worth is. Get off the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep the valuables.”

Greg Bradden

A Break Up Survival Guide…How Women Can Recover After A Break Up

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For more books by Nancy Wylde

Ticket To Freedom – a self-empowerment guide for women

7 Steps to Reclaiming Your Personal Power

Meditation Techniques