A Blessing for Miriam (13 page)

She didn’t trust Jonas to speak the truth either. He hadn’t seen her yet with the bandages off, although he’d stopped by again this
week. She was glad he felt responsible for her—enough to make sure that the hospital bills were paid and to drop by. She refused to see him though. The Beachy family had seen to it that she was given the best of medical care. She had an appointment with a plastic surgeon next week, but there was only so much that could be done. She was scarred now and would always be. There was no reason to pretend otherwise. And Jonas would never care for her like he had before. It wasn’t possible. The truth was plain enough in his eyes. And she didn’t blame him one bit. From the beginning she’d been drawn to his money and he’d loved her beauty.

Shirley rattled the pots and pans in the lower cupboard as she pulled out the one she wanted. Naomi would be in soon to help with the vegetables. Shirley would rather have worked alone, which wasn’t possible if she wanted to have supper on the table in time.

As she banged the pot down on the counter, Shirley thought of this coming Sunday. She would have to attend the church service.
Daett
would make sure of that. And then all those people who knew her so well would see her face and say more empty words. “It’s not that bad, Shirley, cheer up.” “The Lord must have been looking out for you, Shirley.” To that she’d want to reply, “Really? Why didn’t He protect my face then?” The unspoken reply would be because she was being punished for her rebellion.

Well, she decided, she wouldn’t go to the services. No matter what
Daett
said. He couldn’t make her go. What could he do? Carry her out to the buggy like she was a
bobbli
? Shirley gave a wild laugh at the thought. What a sight that would be.

Naomi cleared her throat at the kitchen doorway. “Are you okay, Shirley?”

“
Yah
.” The lie slipped out of her mouth easily.

“You sounded…weird.” Naomi came in slowly. “All that banging and slamming…and that laugh.”

“I’m fine.” Shirley set her face into neutral lines. “I’m perfectly fine. I was just thinking of going out tonight.”

“With Jonas?” Incredulity filled Naomi’s voice. “Will he have you again?”

“I see you know the truth. No, I’m sure he won’t.” Shirley grabbed the potato masher with vigor.

“Well, whether it’s Jonas or someone else, I hope someone says the right thing to you. You snap at everyone. You just aren’t yourself anymore. Frankly, you’ve become a terror to the whole family.”

Shirley mashed the boiled potatoes with both hands on the masher. “Like I could care. I have to live with these awful scars, and you have to live with me. Get used to it.”

Naomi turned to look out the window at the sound of a car approaching on the gravel driveway. “There’s Jonas now. Maybe he can say the right thing.”

“Jonas?” Shirley froze. “Send him away, Naomi.”

“I’ll do no such thing.” Naomi didn’t move. “I’m having nothing further to do with this. Someone else can answer the door.”

Tears stung in Shirley’s eyes as she made a dash for the upstairs door. One of her siblings could deal with Jonas. Maybe
Daett
would if he noticed Jonas’s presence from where he was finishing chores in the barn.
Mamm
was in the basement, so she wouldn’t even notice Jonas’s arrival.

From her room upstairs, Shirley peeked past the dark drapes. Jonas came up the sidewalk with his head bowed. He looked burdened about something. She couldn’t imagine what. He still had everything going for him. Why Jonas kept up his visits was beyond her.

Shirley glanced downward as the cellar door opened to the outside, and
Mamm
came out to meet Jonas. So
Mamm
had noticed his arrival. She had a warm smile on her face as she shook Jonas’s hand.

Mamm
motioned toward the house and Jonas nodded. Moments later
Mamm
disappeared under the porch roof while Jonas still stood in the yard. What
Mamm
intended was obvious
enough. She planned to fetch her down to speak with the young man. Apparently Naomi hadn’t been the only one to wish they could reach out for Jonas’s help. Shirley froze with her hand on the drapes. She didn’t want to talk to him ever again. The conversation would go nowhere and increase the pain in her heart.

Shirley pulled back as Jonas’s gaze crept along the upper level of the house and past her window. If he noticed her presence, he gave no sign of it. He looked down again, and Shirley stepped away from the window. She might as well tell
Mamm
about her plans for tonight. Wasn’t the general
rumspringa
crowd better than Jonas Beachy—at least from her parents’ point of view? At least they were still Amish.

A quick knock came on the bedroom door.

Shirley said nothing.

A moment later the knob turned, and
Mamm
appeared. Her glance took in the window and the open drapes. “I see you noticed Jonas arrived.”

Shirley still said nothing.

“You need to come down and see him.”
Mamm
’s voice was firm. “You owe him that much. He’s been paying your medical bills, after all.”

“He’s the one who hit the deer.” The words exploded out of Shirley’s mouth.

“That wasn’t Jonas’s fault,”
Mamm
chided. “You know that.”

Shirley tried to calm herself. “I’m not seeing him. Not like this.” Her hand crept to her face.

“Shirley, you can’t stay in your room and hide from him forever.”
Mamm
reached out for her hand. “Come. He’s waiting for you.”

When Shirley resisted, Mamm sighed and said, “All right, then. I’m bringing Jonas up here.”
Mamm
turned to go.

Shirley rushed to her side. “Please don’t,
Mamm
. Let me deal with this my way. I’ll go out. I won’t hide. In fact, I’ll go out tonight. I’ll meet Amish friends and…” Shirley’s voice trailed off.

“You plan to go out with Lee and Mark?”
Mamm
’s hand was on the knob.

“If they won’t take me, I’ll go myself.” Shirley put on her best stubborn look.

Mamm
hesitated. “I guess Amish friends would be better than Jonas, but still…”
Mamm
thought for a moment. “Jonas won’t go away, so you will have to deal with him. Come talk to the man, and then you can go out with Lee and Mark.”

Shirley took a deep breath.
Mamm
had agreed to her going out tonight. She could hardly believe it. Her parents didn’t usually do that. But she would have to speak with Jonas if she wanted to stay on
Mamm
’s
gut
side. And perhaps this was for the best. The ties with Jonas would have to be formally severed once and for all.

As they went downstairs together and approached the front door, a sudden dread filled Shirley. Jonas, the man she had loved. The man who had kissed her and traced her pretty face with his gentle fingers. She would die when he saw and recoiled from what was left of her beauty. Her feet reluctantly moved ahead.

Mamm
seemed to understand and held the door open. “I’ll wait for you in here.”

Shirley turned her face away as she went out the door.

Jonas heard the door open and came toward her.

“Shirley, I’m so glad you’ll speak to me. I’m so sorry about all this.”

He was beside her now, his voice in her ear.

She could manage no response other than to cry softly.

His hand touched her arm. “Shirley, look at me. You’re still beautiful.”

Shirley lifted her face toward him and choked up. No words would come out.

“I’m so sorry,” he repeated.

Shirley took a deep breath. “Well, now you see my face. I’m a monster now.”

His gaze traced her face and followed each scar. “No, Shirley. You’re not that. But the insurance company will continue to see that you get the best doctors. They’ll take care of you. You’ll see.”

Shirley laughed bitterly. “Like that will do much
gut
. I am what I am.”

His hand found hers. “There’s nothing I can say to make this easier or better for you, is there?”

She shook her head. “I should never have tried to live in your world, Jonas. I guess the Lord is punishing me for my sins.”

He pulled in his breath. “You must not say that, Shirley. God isn’t like that.”

She couldn’t keep the words back. “Then the devil did this, Jonas? I’d rather believe I’m in the Lord’s hands than the devil’s.”

He seemed at a loss for words.

She whispered the next words. “I thank you, Jonas, for everything. For your concern, for your help with the bills, for your help with the doctors. I know this wasn’t your fault.” She squeezed his hand. “And for the times we had together. I’ll always cherish those moments. But we can’t go on like we were before. You know that.”

“But, Shirley…” He gripped her hand.

“I should have stayed in Oklahoma, Jonas. That’s where I belonged, but I didn’t. I ran…and now I’ve run into trouble I can’t fix. I’ll never convince myself otherwise. I’m ugly now, and I’ll always be. You don’t want an ugly girlfriend.”

Any protest died on his lips.

She reached up to touch his face. “Don’t look at me anymore, Jonas. Just leave. Perhaps you’ll remember me the way I was before this nightmare.”

Jonas was silent as he stared at her.

“Go, Jonas.” She touched his arm. “Please.”

“I’ll see that you’re taken care of,” he said.

Shirley nodded and wiped her tears away.

Jonas reached over and kissed her on the cheek. Then he turned and walked back to his car.

Shirley watched him drive away, and then turned and walked slowly up the porch steps.

Mamm
met Shirley at the doorway and wrapped her in a hug. “How did it go?”

“He’s not coming back.”

“It’s for the best.”
Mamm
held Shirley at arm’s length. “And you’re still beautiful to us.”

“To you, maybe. But to everyone else I’m ugly. No one will ever love me again.”

Mamm
wisely kept silent.

“I’ll finish supper now,” Shirley said dully, moving toward the kitchen.

“I’m going to help.”
Mamm
’s voice was firm. “I need to be with my Shirley tonight.”

Chapter Fourteen

L
ater that evening, after supper, Shirley sat between Lee and Mark as they took the buggy west toward Berlin. After that final meeting with Jonas, it was good to get away for a while. Even
Daett
had raised no objections to her going with her brothers. Maybe
Mamm
had said something to him in private.

“Where are we going tonight?” Mark asked. “Not that it matters that much.”

Lee gave a grunt like he didn’t care either. He turned the buggy north.

“Let’s see if there’s a gathering in the field behind Millers.” Mark leaned forward on the buggy seat.

Lee grunted again. “They had the gathering there last week. No one does anything twice around here.”

“We ought to check just the same,” Mark insisted.

Lee didn’t say anything, but minutes later he pulled in behind the Miller farmhouse, south of Berlin. A glow drifted above the barn roof. Shadowy cars and a few buggies appeared in the distance.

“I guess you were right,” Lee allowed.

Mark glanced at Shirley. “Are you ready for this?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” she snapped.

Lee laughed. “You’ll see.”

The buggy bounced to a stop, and her brothers leaped out. Lee tied Sandy to a fence post, and the two brothers headed for the barn. Shirley followed several steps behind. A few hay wagons had been pulled out of the barn, and lanterns hung on the racks.

Shirley kept her face hidden behind one hand as she surveyed the young people. It was difficult to tell for sure who was
Englisha
and who was Amish. She knew some Amish youth would change into
Englisha
clothing for their
rumspringa
weekends. Drinks Shirley assumed were sodas sat around on the wagon beds, along with an assortment of snacks. Lee and Mark headed straight for the offered food, but Shirley hung back, not wanting to draw attention to herself.