A Better Man (The Men of Halfway House) (15 page)

Shit.

He turned in his bed and saw the clock display. A little bit past midnight. He thought he heard faint music, the same easy listening songs from the drive back here. He sat up in bed and listened closely. He saw the light coming through the crack at the bottom of the door and heard the rustling of papers. Julian was awake, and it sounded as if he was still looking at the plans nearly two hours later.

Matt stretched in bed. He sat there for almost five minutes, debating. Wondering if, when, and how he should do whatever it was he thought he needed to do. He had too many reasons not to give in, to keep things safe. He ran his fingers through his short hair. Matt wanted Julian so much, wanted to know what it felt like to hold him close for more than a few moments, feel his warm skin envelop him, kiss him deeply, wake up in his arms with Julian's chest pressed against his back. It had been too long, there was too much tension, and Matt was so far gone at this point. He wanted Julian, he just didn't have a fucking clue how he was going to take the next step.

"Fuck it," Matt said to himself, dismissing the rationalization. One thing he'd always felt with Julian was a sense of peace. Matt knew, deep down, that if this was meant to be, it would happen if he didn't put up these walls he always erected to protect himself. He was tired of playing it safe. Matt wanted to finally do something for himself, without worrying what everyone else in the world would think of him.

He looked over at the clock again.

Realization hit him and gave him the last bit of confidence he needed. He got out of bed and threw on a T-shirt.

Matt took a deep breath and exhaled before opening the bedroom door.

* * * *

Julian sighed for the billionth time tonight.
Fuck!
He shouldn't have touched Matt's face the way he had, and he sure as hell shouldn't have danced with him.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

He should have just let the damn kiddy mob wear him out on the dance floor. That would have been more tolerable than being surrounded by constant memories of Matt up close and personal. The feel of his face in Julian's hand, holding Matt's hand to his chest, the way Matt's fingers touched his neck, it was driving him mad. Every night, he'd listen to Matt toss and turn, over and over again, until finally, the faint snoring let him know Matt had fallen asleep. Sometimes it would take hours. But during the drive back tonight, Matt has eased into sleep within moments with Julian nearby. He was so peaceful when he slept, the crease lines disappeared from his forehead and a hint of a smile appeared. Julian wanted to remember that peaceful expression.

He was torn. He wanted to remember it all, the touch, the feel, everything. The more Julian remembered, the more difficult it became to step away, to keep his cool.

He wanted Matt. Period. There were no ifs, ands, or buts about it. He didn't know what he was going to do or how he was going to do it without the risk of losing Matt forever if he pushed, but Julian couldn't stand this anymore. The songs playing on the portable radio reminded Julian of the drive here, the smell of Matt's aftershave on his shirt reminded him of the dance, Matt's hand on his neck…it was all attacking his senses. Julian turned the plans again in a poor attempt to focus on something, anything else. They didn't make sense to him. They looked like a bunch of numbers and lines.

He was losing it.

Shit.

The click of a door down the hall made him look up. Matt stood outside his bedroom. He straightened and watched Matt approach. His disheveled short hair and appearance damn near undid him. Julian had to look away. He glanced back to the evil plans that taunted him. He gripped the edge of the table and tried to level his breathing.

"You're still up," Matt said.

"Yeah, I…uh…couldn't sleep." Julian fumbled with his words, trying to avoid making eye contact. Matt was approaching, but he couldn't risk a glimpse or his resolve would weaken.

There was silence for a few seconds and Julian couldn't stand it anymore. He looked up.

Matt smiled. "Happy birthday, J."

Julian was caught off guard. "Uh, how did you…when…"

Matt laughed softly. "It was on the application you filled out. I've got a good memory for numbers and dates," he finished with a wry grin.

Julian stood there, feeling completely out of sorts. "Thanks," he said for lack of a better reply.

"Is there anything in particular you want?"

Julian knew better than to say the first response that came to mind. He should just keep quiet and leave it as a 'thank you' that Matt even took the time to log his birth date in his memory bank.
Fuck!
Julian couldn't stand this. He skin instantly heated, his tie choking him though it hung loose around his neck. He yanked at the tie to loosen it further, desperately trying to relieve the suffocating heat.

"C'mon, J. Isn't there anything you want?" Matt teased and inched forward.

Julian let out a nervous laugh and shook his head. He thought about all the lonely times in bed, wanting to be with Matt. Those times he heard Matt pace on the other side of the wall and how he wanted to just tell him that everything was going to work out, regardless of what it was. Those times when they'd take a lunch or dinner break, spend time together, laugh and work on Matt's punch lines.

Julian sighed heavily. He couldn't stand this anymore. He straightened and looked at Matt who waited for an answer.

"You," he finally responded quietly.

Matt didn't react with shock. In fact, he didn't react at all. He just stood there.
Shit.
Julian had pushed too much. His mind raced for a way to salvage the situation. He drew a blank. Panic started to set in and his heart beat faster.

Matt inched closer. Julian was frozen in place, afraid to screw things up further. Matt reached for Julian's tie and slid it out from under the shirt collar. He balled it up and threw it on the table with the plans.

Julian's breath caught and his heart slammed against his chest.

Matt reached up and began to unbutton Julian's shirt. Julian had to focus on his breathing. He closed his eyes and began a mantra,
breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out
. He tried to focus on establishing some sort of rhythm rather than think of the buttons that were being undone on his shirt, one by one, slowly. Julian couldn't take in enough air, so he parted his lips to inhale and opened his eyes.

Matt was looking at him, and there was no sadness in his eyes, no anger, no fear. Just a sheer determination that was mesmerizing.

Matt pulled the shirt out of Julian's pants then put his hands on Julian's bare chest, slowly leaving a blazing trail along Julian's skin as he slid his hands around his neck. Matt was close enough for Julian's breath to mingle with his.

"Matt…" Julian whispered, needier than he ever recalled sounding in his life.

"J," Matt said before he brushed his lips against Julian's.

The kiss ignited a fire in Julian. The blood coursed faster in his body, the heat rose, and his heart beat so loudly it echoed in his ears. The gentle kiss became more determined, and when Matt parted his lips, Julian didn't hesitate to accept the invitation. It quickly became passionate, demanding. Matt's hand gripped the back of Julian's head possessively, and the other ran up and down his back underneath his shirt leaving a trail of fire on Julian's skin.

It wasn't enough.

Julian placed one hand behind Matt's neck, holding him in place as he kissed him. His other arm snaked around Matt's waist and pulled him in. He needed to feel him tighter, closer. Julian couldn't breathe and he didn't care. He just wanted to touch Matt, hold him, know him. He broke the kiss long enough to pull Matt's T-shirt over his head and immediately latched on to his mouth again.

Matt gave as much as he took. Matt wrapped both arms around Julian and pulled him in closer.

This is heaven.
The sensation of skin on skin had Julian teetering on the edge. He wanted to swan dive into this feeling, into whatever Matt was willing to offer.

Matt broke the kiss. "Sorry, I can't breathe," he said, trying to catch his breath.

"Sorry," Julian said as he tried to take a step back.

"No!" Matt tightened his arms around Julian's midsection then rested his head on Julian's shoulder.

Julian loved the way Matt felt in his arms. He held him close, bent his head, and kissed Matt's neck. "I want you, Matt," he whispered. "Have for so long, but I don't know what
you
want." Julian brushed his lips against Matt's neck, grateful to be able to hide his face while he spoke.

Matt's arms tightened even more. "I want you, J," he responded breathlessly.

Julian raised his face out of hiding to look at Matt. Matt's pupils were dilated, his lips kiss swollen, and a flush of red colored his face. Julian released Matt and cupped his face with both hands.

It was all or nothing.

"I love you, Matt," he said then softly pressed his lips to Matt's in a tender kiss.

When they separated, Matt was smiling, his eyes bright with emotion. "I love you more," he responded and reached up to touch Julian. His fingers ghosted over Julian's temples and down the side of his face to his chin.

He closed his eyes and let Matt's words filter through his body. Those few words flowed as easily from Matt as they had from him. He opened his eyes and tried to control the rise and fall of his chest and the emotions that clenched his stomach. The feel of Matt's hands on him and the promise of so much more in those blue eyes triggered a burst of desire to race through his body. He grabbed Matt and lifted him up off his feet. Matt laughed, held on to Julian and kissed his neck. Julian carried him into Matt's room and gently set him down on the bed before covering Matt's body with his own.

He slowed the pace; Julian didn't want to rush. Even though he felt an urgency within, he wanted to enjoy it, take things slow, memorize every detail, make it last for as long as he could endure this sweet torture. He nuzzled Matt and rubbed his cheek against him, reveling in the feel of Matt's heat. Matt's laugh rumbled against his skin. Julian smiled then softly kissed Matt's neck in response, tasting the saltiness of his skin. Matt's breath caught, he had clearly found a sensitive spot. He kissed it again to be sure and Matt sucked in his breath and grabbed Julian's shoulders.

Julian continued, leaving a trail of kisses up Matt's neck and along his jawline. He pressed his body closer to Matt's and an equal hardness pressed against his own. Julian raised his head to look at Matt. His chin was arched upward, waiting for more of Julian's kisses, his mouth parted, his neck and upper body glowed with color. Julian's stomach tightened, Matt wanted him.
He
had caused that flustered look in Matt.

Matt made eye contact with Julian and smiled then pulled him down for another kiss. Julian could kiss Matt for hours and never tire, there was something about the way he felt, the way he tasted, the way he pressed himself against Julian, it was all too much. He didn't want their first time to end so quickly and just be based on kissing.

Julian stopped as reality finally hit.

"Fuck," Julian said, lowering his head to Matt's shoulder.

"What is it?"

"It's um…been a long time, I don't have anything," he said. "Shit."

Matt released part of his hold on him. Julian heard a rustling. He looked over and saw Matt fishing in the top drawer of the nightstand, revealing a brown paper bag.

Julian couldn't resist a smile as he raised a questioning eyebrow.

Matt laughed and it rippled throughout Julian's body. "It's been a long time for me too. You can thank Sam for this," he finished as he kissed Julian.

Julian pulled away from the kiss and glared at Matt.

"Don't look at me like that," Matt insisted then laughed even harder. "Sam figured we'd eventually get here." He ran a finger along the side of Julian's face, down his neck, then across his chest.

Julian grabbed Matt's roaming finger and pinned his hand above Matt's head. "I'll remember to thank him tomorrow," Julian said before devouring Matt's mouth in another passionate kiss.

Julian broke away from Matt's lips and worked his way down his body, exploring, memorizing. He kissed, licked, touched, and softly bit, all in hopes of finding each of Matt's sensitive spots. Julian noted each gasp, intake of breath, small twitch, grip of the sheets, everything. He wanted to remember, so each time he could bring that same pleasure to Matt, over and over again.

Julian worked his way down to the waistline of Matt's pants and looked up to see Matt watching him with half lidded eyes. Julian grabbed the bag and ripped it open, emptying the contents on the bed. He pulled down Matt's pants, saw what he wanted, and grabbed Matt's hard length.

He ran his tongue from root to tip, moaning as the smooth skin glided across his lips. He wrapped his mouth around Matt's arousal, reveling in Matt's moans with each pull of his mouth. He slicked the fingers of his other hand and eased each finger slowly inside Matt. Matt's hands touched his head and tugged demandingly. He sucked harder then heard himself growl when a burst of flavor hit his tongue. His blood raced hotly through his body, heating his skin. Julian worked another finger inside Matt, setting a rhythm to mirror each glide of his mouth down Matt's shaft.

It wasn't enough. Matt's taste, the heat, the fullness, it was all addicting.

Matt writhed beneath him, gripping the sheets at his sides and bunching them in his fists.

Julian desperately sucked harder, faster, deeper, craving each needy sound he drew from Matt.

"J…" Matt gasped.

Julian stopped, his chest heaving with each breath. Watching Matt mesmerized him. Matt's skin glistened with sweat, his entire upper body had splashes of varying shades of red, and the death grip on the sheets turned his knuckles white. Matt released the sheet and grabbed a condom from the box as Julian slowly withdrew his fingers. Julian realized he was still partially dressed and quickly solved that problem.