A Baby on Her Christmas List (13 page)

But then, as he climbed in beside her, his gaze flicked to her belly and there was that hitch again, the one that reminded him that happiness was always fleeting. That love could hurt just as much as it could give joy. He’d thought he’d be able to distance himself emotionally from her, and from the baby, but in reality the feelings just kept hurtling at his rib cage, ripping his breaths away, one after the other. Hard and fast until he didn’t think he’d ever be able to breathe properly again. He didn’t know whether to run away from her or keep a tight grip. But staying close opened them all up to him wreaking havoc again.

‘Where are you going to drive to? Palm Beach is nice. There are some good shops in Oneroa. Or we could go for a walk along Rocky Bay.’

She ran her fingers over the leather steering wheel. ‘No. I remember from my school history classes that there are tunnels somewhere left over from the Second World War. Do you know anything about them?’

‘Stony Batter tunnels? Sure. My grandfather helped build them actually. He was born here, camped in the fields just up past Man O’War Bay through the last years of the war.’ Sheesh, he’d opened his mouth and now he couldn’t stop his past pouring out. ‘He used to take me up there when I was a kid.’

She flicked the ignition and drove back towards the main road. ‘Do you want to take a look?’

Did he? That would mean a drive past The Pines and a whole lot more memories. The weeks they’d spent here as a real family. Complete. God, why had he decided to come here to relive everything again? Why? Because, for some reason, Georgie made him feel as if anything was possible. Even overcoming a dark and murky past. Who knew, maybe he could squeeze his eyes shut as they drove past The Pines and he wouldn’t feel the dread already stealing up his spine. ‘Okay. If you insist.’

‘I do.’

But that was a mistake. Memories joined the swirl of pain in his chest as they closed the kilometres between the vineyard and his old holiday home. Part of him wanted to grab the steering wheel and head straight back to the ferry terminal. But it was too late.

The Pines stood tall and dark and ominous as they drove past, the short driveway leading to the front door, still painted dark blue, ancient pohutakawa trees flanking the lawn, laundry flapping on the line, all gave his gut a strange kick. Memories of happier times filtered into his head—his father swinging him round and round, his mother laughing at their antics and calling them for dinner. The long leisurely Christmas lunches filled with fun and excitement—midnight mass, waiting for Santa, opening presents on Christmas Day morning.

They had been happy, once upon a time. But once that dream had been shattered, it had never been possible to reach that state again.

He let his gaze wander, turning his head slightly as the large rambling house went out of view. Glancing at him, Georgie jerked the car to a halt. ‘That was it, wasn’t it? The house?’

There was no point lying. ‘Yes. It looks as if someone is renovating it.’

‘Do you want to go and take a look?’ Her eyes were kind as they settled on him and he knew she was trying to do the right thing by making him confront his demons. But he didn’t need to do that here, he confronted them most days as it was. ‘I’ll come with you, you won’t be on your own.’

‘Let’s keep driving.’

‘Actually, no.’ She drew up at the side of the road and before he could stop her she’d done a U-turn and they were back at the house.

‘Georgie, I know what you’re trying to do. It’s okay. I’m fine. Things are fine.’

‘Sure. If you say that enough times you might just believe it. I, however, take a little more convincing. Come on.’ She stepped out, leaned against the car and wrapped her arms around her chest as she stared at the house. ‘I can imagine you playing there in the garden. Causing mayhem. It’s a real family home. Three generations all together. Nice.’

‘It was once.’ He wrenched himself out of the car and looked over at the house, fighting the tightness in his throat. ‘The last time I was here was for my grandad’s funeral.’

She turned to him, hair blowing wildly in the sudden breeze. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘He lived here all his life, he loved the place, said he didn’t need to go anywhere else.’

‘It’s nice that you have family history. It must be reassuring to hear about the past, thinking that your grandad walked along these same paths as you. It gives a connection, doesn’t it?’ Slipping her hand into his, she left it at that. But her words kept coming back to him as they walked across the road past the house and looked out over the bay towards the tiny islands dotted around the horizon.

Liam remembered his grandad telling him about the antics he and his mates had got up to here on the island—fishing, drinking, farming. How he’d courted Liam’s grandmother for two years but had always known he’d marry her. How they’d devoted years of their lives to the community here. Liam had always known his ties to this place but it had been too easy to take them for granted. Then he’d tried to put as much space between him and them as he could.

He looked at Georgie now in profile, those gorgeous lush curls whipping in the wind; she would never know if they came from her mother’s side or her father’s. Those soft brown eyes—a hint of Maori blood? Italian? Again, she’d never know. That staunch tilt of the jaw—well, that was pure Georgie, from years of forging her independence and stamping her place in this world. How she’d turned her life into such a success from her rocky beginnings, he would always wonder at. She had no memories of any kind of family time, good or bad, no special Christmases, no history to talk of, no stories to tell her baby.

Nugget
.

Fear washed through him. Fear and hope mingling into a mish-mash of chaos in his gut. He was going to be a father.

He was going to have to create memories for his child too. A history. And a future.

See, this was why he’d been against families for so long. Because the unbearable weight of responsibility meant you had to stop hiding yourself and be someone good. Deep down good. Unselfishly open and honest. You had to let go of the past and be that person, the one everyone relied on. The one everyone looked up to. The one who knew there was danger and risk in opening his heart, but did it anyway.

Trouble was, he just didn’t know if he could be that man.

CHAPTER TEN

One month ago...

T
IME
WAS
MOVING
FAST
. Too fast.

The next few weeks were a blur of sensual lovemaking and laughter. It seemed, to Georgie at least, that sex could be a good mix with friendship after all. Liam was still funny and helpful, he still hammered nails and painted walls. He made her laugh and sigh with delight. They chatted and joked about pretty much everything, as ever—and it seemed almost as if something inside him had been set free.

Except...there was that nagging worry that things were rattling towards an abrupt end. And there was still a part of himself that he held back, that she couldn’t break through.

Georgie’s head was in a state of flux. She didn’t know what he wanted, and she wasn’t sure what she wanted out of this either. There’d been no discussion of expectations and she was too scared to ask him about...
what next
. All she knew was that having him in her bed and by her side made her feel the very best she’d ever felt. Although she’d never again mentioned his past, she also didn’t want to discuss a future.

Because for the immediate future—which in her terms amounted to the next eighteen years—she wanted what she had never had: a stable, loving environment for her child. She wanted her baby to feel loved and nurtured, as if it were the centre of the universe and not, like her, alone and unwanted. She wanted her child to not have to fight every day to be noticed. She wanted her child to feel completely and utterly confident and...loved. Just loved.

So, in reality, she needed to forget about any kind of intimacy with Liam, shouldn’t waste precious time wondering how it was going to work out—because she should be concentrating on getting through the pregnancy and planning to bring up a child as a co-parent with a friend.

Which didn’t work so well for her when she was lying next to him in bed, or trying to do the nine-to-five at her day job when her head was full of naked images of him earlier that morning.

‘Georgie, did you manage to get the blood-test results for Kate Holland? She’s coming in this afternoon and I want to make sure she’s all set.’ Malcolm had returned from settling his mum into a nursing home in Dorset and had hit the clinic with renewed vigour.

Georgie watched as he bustled around the office, ordered and officious. He was a nice guy, but had some traits that she found just a little irritating. In retrospect it was good that she hadn’t asked him to be the donor for her child. What on earth had she been thinking? But, then, on the other hand, Malcolm was nice. Just nice. Not anything else. Not complicated, not sexy as all hell, not a brilliant kisser—okay, so she didn’t know that, but he didn’t have sexy lips.

‘Georgie?’

Malcolm
. He was sitting at the desk opposite her now, face masked by a computer screen. ‘Oh, sorry. Yes?’

‘Blood results for Kate Holland?’

‘Yes, I phoned the lab to chase them again an hour ago and they said they’d email them through. They should be here...’ She tapped on her keyboard and brought the work up on screen. ‘There you go. I’ve directed them to her file. All looking good. She’ll be pleased.’

‘Thanks.’ Her boss’s head popped up over the monitor. ‘Georgie, are you okay?’

‘Absolutely fine, thanks.’ And so far she hadn’t let her thoughts interfere with her job, but they were definitely trying to filter in. Which was annoying in the extreme, because she loved this job, needed the pay, loved helping people reach their dreams, so
focus
was the watchword of the day.

‘If you need to talk anything through I’d be more than happy...’ Malcolm’s face disappeared back behind the computer screen, but after a few moments it reappeared again. ‘No pressure, though.’

‘Seriously, I’m fine. Tired, but that’s to be expected.’ And in truth the lack of sleep wasn’t all pregnancy related.

Malcolm looked hugely relieved at the prospect of not having a stressing-out employee on his hands. She hadn’t mentioned to anyone at work who the father was and wanted to keep things quiet. It was far too complicated to try talking about this kind of thing here. Everyone thought they knew everything, everyone thought they understood and they were all so lovely and well meaning, but how could they understand when she didn’t even understand half of it herself?

Malcolm went back to tapping on the keyboard. ‘Ah, I see we have Jo Kinney arriving in ten minutes for follicular monitoring.’

‘I know, I made the booking, but don’t worry—I’ll make myself scarce. I understand how frustrating it is to see pregnant tummies in a fertility clinic when you’re struggling to get even a fraction of the way.’

Her boss’s voice was concerned. ‘I’m hoping the counselling sessions are helping her.’

‘I think so. The last time she was in she confessed to feelings of uncontrollable jealousy if any of her friends told her they were pregnant. And she’s not talking to her sister at the moment because she’s carrying twins. It’s all so very difficult for her.’ Since she’d become pregnant Georgie had been at pains to make sure she’d been extra-compassionate with her patients. She had what many of them only dreamt about and that was something she would never take for granted. ‘I do have a feeling that she’ll get there in the end, though.’

‘We can only hope so. Don’t look so worried, I’ll give her the best shot we have.’ Malcolm stood to leave. ‘So do me a favour and take a lunch break for a change. The sun’s shining and the yachts are racing out on the gulf. Get some fresh air. And while you’re out, buy some tinsel, we need to Christmas this place up a bit, and last year’s decorations are looking a bit sad.’

‘Now you’ve definitely asked the right person for that job. I don’t need to be asked twice to go Christmas shopping.’ Smiling, Georgie stood and took off her name badge. She had plans to meet Liam for lunch, but had kept that information under wraps. Meeting him in secret for snatched lunches added to the excitement. ‘Actually, I’m also going to go and take a sneak peek at that new baby shop. They import things from Europe apparently, it sounds wonderful.’

‘Don’t go buying the whole place up.’

‘I won’t. I’m just going for ideas. After the renovations I don’t have much left over for the frills.’ She grabbed her bag and made a quick mental list of things she needed. A pram, a cot, cloth nappies, a stroller. Basically, the essentials. It was only window shopping, but it was lovely to dream.

The light warm breeze was welcome after the cloistered atmosphere in the clinic. Summer was edging in and starting to make its presence felt; the shoppers and office workers on High Street had shed their thick woollen coats and knee-length boots. The shop displays had Christmassy reds, greens and silvers instead of wintry blacks and browns, Georgie noted, and that made her feel bright. Despite not knowing which way was up with Liam, there was so much she should be thankful for. She had a great house, a great job with understanding and supportive colleagues. She had a future right here in her belly. There were many not so fortunate.

She almost broke into song, with the buskers churning out the old Christmas favourites...and, strangely, hearing ‘Away In A Manger’ brought a lump to her throat. A happy lump.

Choosing a colour theme for her tree this year was hard, but in the end she went with traditional red and gold. A few new baubles. And a named one for her and one for Liam. And for Nugget too... Desdemona didn’t fit.

The baby shop was exclusive and expensive, she could see that just from the window displays with beautiful hand-carved cots and no price tags. When she entered the well-dressed shop assistants greeted her with expectant smiles.

‘Just looking, thanks,’ she answered their questioning faces, and wondered whether she’d have been better walking past and on to the more affordable chain stores further down the road. But, oh, it was such an adorable place, decorated with luxury Christmas items—‘Baby’s First Christmas’ bibs, blankets, towels. Miniature stockings hung from a makeshift mantelpiece. She eyed a kit for a hand-sewn advent calendar and made a mental note to add it to her ever-growing list. That would all have to wait until next year. Nugget’s real first Christmas, and she’d make sure everything would be just perfect.

No, this Christmas would be special too. She had the feeling that waddling around trying to feed an army would be too much for her this year, so it would be just her and Liam, if she could lure him away from that ER...for the first time in her adult life she’d have a quiet one. At the thought of just the two of them spending such a special day together she grew a little hot. She imagined waking up to a special Liam Christmas surprise...and her cheeks flushed.

But where was he?

Clearly, he’d been held up by some emergency or other, but soon she’d need to get back to work, so she headed for the exit.

‘Georgie? Hey, is that you, Georgie? Wow! Look at you. I had no idea...’ It was Kate and Mark Holland, hand in hand staring into the same shop window.

‘Kate?’ The woman looked a darned sight healthier than she’d looked before, when she’d been bloated and on bed rest and pretty damned miserable. ‘Lovely to see you. How are you doing?’

Kate’s eyes twinkled. ‘Not as well as you, clearly. My goodness, this is a surprise. When are you due?’

Georgie resisted running her hand over her now huge bump. ‘Eight more weeks, end of January. A summer baby. Believe me, I am not looking forward to waddling around in that humidity.’

‘Do you know the gender? What about names?’

More things on her list. She’d been putting off talking to Liam about names again, and when she’d jokingly mentioned it he’d ended up...well...it had been very nice indeed. ‘No, I don’t know the sex, I want it to be a surprise. And names are so hard to choose, don’t you think? Picking one’s hard enough, but a middle name too? That’s all kinds of heavy-duty responsibility. Imagine picking a name and them hating it for the rest of their lives.’

‘So you have some planning to do. I like the traditional ones myself. Make a list.’ Kate seemed genuinely pleased for her and wrapped her in a gentle hug. ‘Lucky you. I really am pleased.’

Georgie told herself to get a grip as her throat filled with emotion for Kate. Her hormones were all over the place today. ‘I saw you’d booked into the clinic this afternoon—what’s the plan?’

Her patient gripped her husband’s hand as they both smiled. ‘My mum’s given us some money for one more round, an early and very unexpected Christmas present. I can’t tell you how amazing that is. I just can’t give up. I just can’t.’

‘That’s great news. Really brilliant. I’ll keep everything crossed for you and we’ll do everything we can at the clinic.’ Georgie knew exactly how Kate felt and wondered just how hard she’d have fought to feel the way she felt right now. Hell, she’d have kept on fighting until she’d had no fight left. And then she’d have fought harder still. Nothing was as precious as this child, getting this child. Having this child. It was the first time that Georgie had ever sensed what it would be like to be part of a family. To belong. To love and be loved, unconditionally. And Liam fitted into that picture, too. No matter how much she tried not to, she couldn’t help but do some serious Christmas wishing on that account.

‘Thanks.’ Kate bit her lip and her eyes briefly fluttered closed. ‘I’m a bit worried, to be honest. I don’t want to have another major disaster like last time.’

‘Okay, so the first thing you have to do is stop worrying. That’s not going to help at all. We’ll start you on a lower dose of stimulation drugs this time and monitor you very closely. There’s nothing to say that you’ll have the same experience again. Really, try to relax, that’s the best thing you can do. I’ll see you later and we can talk more then.’

‘Okay. See you soon.’

Georgie was about to leave when she felt a prickling along her neckline. Turning, she saw Liam approaching and felt the immediate rush of bright light whenever she saw him. ‘Hey. Did you forget the time?’

‘I’m so sorry. Just one thing after another today.’ He shook his head and pecked a kiss on her cheek. ‘Did I miss the shopping? Come on, let’s go. I’m starving.’

‘Me, too.’

He grinned. ‘No surprises there. What’s in the bags?’

She hid the bag of named baubles behind her back and grinned right back—he’d probably think she was just a sentimental old sook. ‘Not telling.’

‘Aw...come on.’ As he spoke his mobile phone went off. He shook his head in irritation, dragged his phone out of his pocket and looked at the display. ‘Look, I’ve got to get this.’

‘Who is it?’

‘Just MAI.’

‘The agency? Why? What do they want?’ She felt the colour drain from her face. He’d been home so long this time. Long nights she’d kept him to herself like a delicious secret, always knowing that this day might come but pretending that it wouldn’t. Convincing herself that it wouldn’t matter anyway, that she was on top of her feelings about him. She’d managed to leave herself enough space and hadn’t fallen for him so completely that his leaving would damage her.

Besides, he didn’t have to go. The baby was due soon. He would turn them down. He would stay. ‘What do they want?’

‘No idea.’ He shrugged. ‘Sorry again. I won’t be long.’

He turned a little away from her and she stared into the shop window, half looking at the too-expensive wares, half-listening to his side of the conversation. It would be fine. She would be fine. He wouldn’t run, she trusted that he wouldn’t go now, not when she needed him.

‘Hey. No worries. Where...? How long...? Why...? What do you need?’ Suddenly his voice went quiet and the bright light inside her went out.

He stayed quiet for a few moments as he listened to the caller. Then he looked over and caught her eye. There was something about his tense expression that made her heart stumble. Guilt? Panic? He tried for a smile, but it was more regretful than reassuring. Then he closed his eyes, turned his back to her, shoulders hitched.

Something was wrong.

She strained to listen, but whether he was hiding the information from her or protecting her she didn’t know.