#5 Not What I Expected (9 page)

This was old news to me.

Mom continued. “It's going to mean a lot of work for me over the next few weeks. I'm going to need all of you to pitch in and help out.” Then, as she talked about how she would be working day and night to get the clothes ready in time, and that it would mean I'd be taking care of May and June while she was at the store and Dad was at the diner, my mind blanked. I don't even know what all she said.

“Got it?” I heard Mom say. She was done talking and looking at me.

“I got it,” I said.

But it doesn't mean I like it.

Monday, November 3, 11:14 a.m.

Study Hall

This morning I was at my locker when I saw Matt walking down the hall toward me. He actually slowed down as he got closer to me. I'd like to believe he was going to stop and apologize for what he said last night. But I have no idea what he was going to say because I didn't give him an opportunity. Right when he passed me, I looked down like I was busy dealing with my lock and didn't see him. I should have looked up. Not so much to hear what he had to say, but to tell him what I was thinking, which is that what Harry said about him is true. But I didn't.

Guess I wasn't in the mood.

3:35 p.m.

Feeling like a loser

I told Sophie what happened this morning at my locker. “I should have said something when I had the chance.”

“It's not the kind of conversation you have at your locker before school,” she said.

I agreed with her, but I think the real reason I didn't talk to Matt is because I know he won't care what I have to say.

I don't like him anymore, but seeing him with someone else made me wonder what went wrong when we went out. Was he pissed I went to summer camp? Or that I didn't let him touch my boobs? Maybe that's why he was with Libby. Did she let him touch her boobs? At a party? Does it make me a loser that I wouldn't do that? I don't think it does.

So why do I feel like one?

Wednesday, November 5, 6:05 p.m.

Babysitting

Maybe the reason I feel like a loser is because I am one. When I got home from dance, Mom asked me to babysit. “You can heat up the leftover meatloaf from last night,” she said.

“Can we eat in front of the TV?” asked May.

“Can we watch
SpongeBob
?” asked June.

Technically, I'm not sure what the definition of a loser is, but someone who eats leftover meatloaf on the couch with her little sisters while watching a show about a demented sponge can't be far off.

Thursday, November 6, 7:10 p.m.

Babysitting

Again

When I got home from dance, Mom asked me if I could babysit again. It was a repeat performance of last night.

Only difference: lasagna instead of meatloaf.

Friday, November 7, 8:45 p.m.

In a rut

Tonight makes my babysitting average three for three.

While most kids my age are at football games or parties on a Friday night, I'm home babysitting and eating grilled cheese sandwiches. Which isn't the worst thing in the world because we're having tomato soup with the sandwiches, which is the most exciting thing I can think to write about.

Sad. Very sad.

Saturday, November 8, 2:45 p.m.

Feeling sick

We had an extralong dance practice this morning. We're in full practice mode since the dance show is at the end of the month. I was completely exhausted because I couldn't fall asleep until after two. I could barely follow the steps of the freshman modern dance we're working on for the show. Ms. Baumann called me out twice and during our break. I was so relieved when practice ended. All I wanted to do was go home and take a nap.

But as I was leaving, Brynn caught up to me. “Are you OK?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “I'm just tired.”

Brynn shook her head like she knew that wasn't it. “You can't fool me,” she said. “We've been best friends for a long time. Did something happen?”

It made me feel good she knew me well enough to ask, so I told her what happened at the party and how Matt confronted me on the street. “That sucks,” she said. Then she changed the subject. I'd like to believe it was because she got that I didn't want to keep talking about Matt. But I think it was because she had something she really wanted to tell me. “April, something happened. It's big.” Brynn shrugged. “You should know.”

I nodded like I was listening.

“Do you remember I told you that Billy was coming over on Halloween?”

“Yeah.” My gut told me I wasn't going to like what was coming next.

“We were on my bed watching a movie,” said Brynn slowly. “Then we started kissing.” She looked at me like she wanted to gauge my reaction.

I tried to remain expressionless. Even though part of me didn't want to hear what she had to say, another part of me needed to know everything. “We kissed for a long time,” said Brynn. “Then one thing led to another.” She hesitated. “We took the next step.”

I watched as she put her hand on her chest. She looked like she was about to say the Pledge of Allegiance. I wanted to believe that's what she and Billy did together, but I knew it wasn't what she meant.

I tried to swallow but couldn't. All I could think about was how big Brynn's boobs had gotten in the last year and how the three of us had been best friends since third grade and now Brynn and Billy were close in this new way I couldn't be part of.

“So?” said Brynn when she finished talking.

I wasn't sure what my response should be.
Congrats?
“That's cool,” I said.

Brynn grinned like that was the response she was hoping for. “Thanks for being happy for me.” Then she looped her arm through mine as we walked like we were still in kindergarten. “It's just really cool how close Billy and I are. It makes me so happy.”

“Yeah,” I said. I knew she wanted me to share in her happiness, but I was having a hard time doing it. Especially since all I could think about was my own unhappiness and the slump I've been in since Halloween.

My parents are stressed and fighting and never home. All I ever do is babysit. My ex-boyfriend was at a party making out with another girl. Brynn and Billy are doing things together I don't like thinking about. And even though things seem OK for the moment, I know Sophie and Brynn don't really like each other.

I really don't know what I expected when I started high school.

Not this.

It is often when night looks darkest, that one senses the gathering momentum for change.

—Hillary Clinton

Monday, November 10, 6:45 p.m.

Rainy day

It poured all day, which most kids at Faraway High complained about. Some of the walkways between the buildings aren't covered so it's impossible to avoid getting wet between classes. But I didn't care. The rain was a welcome shield between the rest of the world and me. I'm just not in the mood for other people.

When I got home from dance practice, June was in the kitchen putting miniature apple juice boxes and water bottles in the refrigerator. “April, look!” she said. “Dad went to Costco and bought these for me to take in my lunch. Now no one will make fun of me anymore.”

“That's great!” I said.

June let out a big sigh of relief. “I feel so much better!”

I wish all my problems could be solved by a trip to Costco.

Tuesday, November 11, 7:12 p.m.

In the bathtub

Trying to relax

At dance practice, Ms. Baumann made her the-show-is-in-two-weeks-so-get-ready-to-work-harder-than-you-ever-have speech. I remember it from last year. Then, I thought she was just trying to scare us. Now, I know she means every word of it. The dance show is such a big deal in Faraway. It's always good and so many people go to see it.

“I'm so focused,” said Emily as we walked home from practice. “This dance show is my top priority. It's even more important to me than school right now. I just want the whole show to be amazing.”

I get why she would say that. Emily is dancing the freshman solo, which is a huge honor. I know how important it is to her that her dance is the best it can be. I know I need to focus too, but that won't be easy.

Today as we practiced the intro group dance, my brain was running off in so many directions. Every time I looked at Brynn, I thought about what she told me about Billy and her. I was thinking about Sophie, who told me at lunch that as ninth-grade reps, she and Billy are co-chairs of the SGA Thanksgiving food drive. That made me think even more about Brynn and how she will react when she finds out. I was thinking about everything going on at home. And I was trying not to think about Matt, who I don't like thinking about.

As I walked with Emily, my brain drifted as she talked about the show. “Do you get what I'm saying about the importance of focus?” Emily asked interrupting my thoughts.

“I do,” I said. “I'm focused.”

Just on all the wrong things.

Thursday, November 13, 6:56 p.m.

Today at dance practice, Brynn was acting so weird. During break, I went up to her and asked her if she was OK. “Fine,” she said with the fake smile she only makes when she's not fine. Then she turned away from me and started talking to Kate and Vanessa like I'd interrupted their conversation. She wouldn't even look at me during the rest of practice.

When we were done I went up to her again. “Do you want to do our algebra homework together?” I asked. Mr. Baumgartner had given us a huge packet of problems, and I thought it would be a lot easier for both of us if we worked on them together.

Brynn looked at me like I'd asked her to slit her wrists. “Did you know Sophie and Billy are co-chairing the food drive?”

“Yeah,” I said. I didn't like where this was going.

Brynn shook her head. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“The ninth-grade SGA reps are always head of the food drive, so of course they're doing it together.”

Brynn ignored the logic of what I'd said. “I know Sophie is your sort-of cousin, but it bothers me that she keeps doing things with my boyfriend. You know as well as I do that she's never had a boyfriend. I just don't believe her when she says she doesn't want one. I think she wants mine.”

I took a deep breath. “Don't you think you're being a little irrational?”

“How can you say that about me?” asked Brynn.

I had to protect Sophie. “Sophie doesn't like Billy in that way.” I paused. “And I don't like when you say bad things about her.” The words sat between us like an electric fence. “You know, I can be friends with both of you.”

Brynn made an
hmmm
sound. “Yeah, well friends can discuss anything, which clearly doesn't apply to us.”

Then she turned and walked out of the gym. Which is a good thing, because I don't want to think about what I would have said if she'd stayed.

10:16 p.m.

Should I call Brynn?

I've been thinking a lot about what happened with Brynn this afternoon and trying to decide if I should call. When she walked out of the gym, I think she expected me to go after her and tell her I was sorry for not telling her about the food drive, or that even though Sophie is my “sort-of” cousin, what she said about her is valid and that she'll always be my best friend.

I thought about it. But Brynn hasn't exactly been a good best friend lately. And in comparison to Sophie, she hasn't been a good friend at all. Should I call her?

I'm going with no.

10:32 p.m.

Off the phone

Billy called me. He just called to say hi and see what was going on, but it seemed kind of ironic that he called me when he did. “You're kind of quiet,” he said after I'd answered a whole string of questions with
yes
or
no
. “What's up?”

He'd asked, so I decided to tell him. “Sometimes Brynn can be a lot to handle,” he said when I was done. His response made me feel bold. There was something I'd wanted to ask him for a long time. If ever there was a time, this was it. But still, I knew I probably shouldn't.

“What is it?” asked Billy. He laughed and so did I. We both knew I wanted to ask him something. “I guess I'm just wondering …” My voice trailed off as I lost my nerve.

“What?” asked Billy.

I took a breath. “I guess I'm just wondering what it is that you like about Brynn. I mean, as a girlfriend.”

Billy always thinks before he responds, but it didn't take him long to answer my question. “Well, for one thing, she's loyal,” he said. I knew what he meant, but hadn't said. He'd only had one other girlfriend. Me. And that was the one thing I hadn't been.

Ouch.

Friday, November 14, 10:45 p.m.

In my room

This is what I overheard tonight from my parents' room:

Mom: I need her to come in and help wait on customers tomorrow while I sew. The presentation is in a week and a half, and I'm not ready.

Dad: April has dance practice in the morning, and I thought she was going to babysit May and June in the afternoon.

Mom: Why don't they go with you to the diner?

Dad: I can't watch them while I work.

Mom: They're big girls. They can hang out in your office or help if you need them to.

Dad: It works better if April stays home with her sisters.

Mom: I need her help at the store.

Dad: I think it works best for everyone if she stays home.

Usually, listening to my parents argue is bad, but listening to them debate what I should do was making me furious. Plus, I thought Dad was being unfair. He could take May and June. They're more than old enough to spend an afternoon at the diner.

I got out of bed and marched into their room. “You know I can hear every word you're saying.” I looked at both of them like I was disgusted by their behavior.