365 Days (28 page)

Anyway, after Christmas lunch, most of which I managed to force down, Mum insisted on watching the Queen’s speech like she normally does. I don’t get why she does that each year. Normally she doesn’t have time for any of the royals, but each Christmas Day, at 3 p.m. on the nose, there she is, glued to the telly, drinking in every word Her Majesty has to say like some loyal, fawning servant. Then (at bloody last!) we all took Barbara out for a long walk. I dressed her in her red bowtie and everyone we passed commented on how smart she looked!

Sent Han another text in the afternoon telling her I hoped she was having a nice day, but didn’t get a reply until gone midnight.

Went to bed not feeling too full of Christmas cheer, just too full of mince pies.

Wednesday 26 December

Woke up feeling sick, but I wasn’t sure if that was from worry or the four mince pies I had at midnight last night.

Dad went over to Autumn Leaves
and picked Great Aunt May up at lunchtime. She’s staying with us just for tonight ’cos they’ve got their Christmas party there tomorrow night and she doesn’t want to miss it. It was supposed to be on the 23
^rd
, but they had trouble slaughtering the turkey or something. I didn’t like to ask.

I sent Han a text and told her Great Aunt May was coming over today and asked her if she wanted to come over as well, ’cos I know Great Aunt May really likes Han. She sent me one back and said she couldn’t come today, but could I say hi to Aunt May from her, and could she come over tomorrow instead ’cos she’d been thinking about ‘us’. My mind went into overdrive and my heart started thumping madly in my neck when I read that, so I texted her back and said, ‘What about us?’ and she just said, ‘I’ll talk to you 2moro. I’ll come over around two, okay?’

So, what the hell does that all mean? She’s going to dump me, isn’t she? Great! After telling me yesterday she wished we could be together, now she wants to finish with me.

What a shitty end to the year.

Great Aunt May gave me and HRBH our Christmas presents when she came over. She gave me a pink makeup compress and HRBH a spanner ‘for her bicycle’ (she doesn’t have one). It was nice of her, I suppose, but I was feeling so damned wretched about everything I could quite cheerfully have bashed her over the head with the spanner, old lady or no old lady.

Thursday 27 December

Couldn’t sleep a wink for worrying about everything last night, not helped at all by the bloody neighbours over the road from us having a party until God knows what hour last night.

We weren’t invited ’cos we don’t really speak to them much. Mum says they’re a bit ‘uncouth’. I asked her once what made a particular person uncouth and she sniffed and said, ‘gold jewellery and holidays in Benidorm,’ and folded her arms tight across her chest, just like Great Aunt May does when she’s talking about Ariadne Dawkins, who’s got a room down the corridor from her at Autumn Leaves,
and who looks a bit like Joan Rivers’ grandmother.

Anyway, the uncouth neighbours’ party went on until 3 a.m., by which time I thought I might possibly go mad from worrying about what Han was going to say to me today. Woke up looking and feeling like crap and waited for Han to come over so she could dump me.

After not being able to eat any lunch, something that didn’t go unnoticed by HRBH, who made some flippant comment about my New Year’s resolution being too early, I went up to my room and waited for Han.

She came over around two, looking stunning as always, and after making small talk with Mum and Dad, came up with me to my room.

We sat together on my bed and she smiled at me kinda awkwardly and I waited for her to tell me she was fed up with my clinginess, fed up with all my questions and, well, just fed up with me really.

Instead, she took my hands in hers and looked at me, like, real intently and said, ‘Things have been a little, uh, how can I put it? A little strained with us, haven’t they?’

I nodded, too afraid to say anything in case I started crying.

Then she said, ‘I’ve been a bit of a shit and I’m sorry.’

I just nodded again, then I said, ‘I think it’s my fault, so I’m sorry too.’

She said, ‘Your fault?’ so I said, ‘Yeah, all that Facebook stuff I kept going on and on about, badgering you for answers.’

She grinned at me and said, ‘Yeah, and I didn’t handle it so well, so that was my fault too,’ and we both giggled.

She leant over and kissed my forehead and said, ‘I can promise you, Clemmy, there are NO exes on my Facebook. I have a grand total of two exes, neither of whom I would piss on if they were on fire. I certainly have no desire to know what either of them is doing, so why would I want them as my friends?’

I bit my lip and felt completely stupid. I just said, ‘But why were you being so secretive about it all, then?’ and she said, ‘I wasn’t being secretive, silly, I just didn’t think it was that important, and that was stupid of me. Of course it was going to be important to you. So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was so flippant about it, and I’m sorry I went weird with you over it. I should have handled it better.’ She thought for a minute, then said, ‘And you know how stubborn I can be. Maybe, I dunno, maybe a part of me was deliberately not telling you stuff, just ’cos I’m a stubborn cow like that sometimes.’

I kinda shrugged and grinned sheepishly at her, then she said, ‘I swear to God, Clemmy, there’s no one on there that you have to be worried about. It’s you I want, you I love. Just you. Always has been, always will be.’

She looked at me and said, ‘Do you trust me?’ and I nodded meekly at her. Then I looked down at my hands and mumbled something about just being really scared that she was keeping stuff from me, at which point she held my face in her hands and planted kisses all over me, saying, ‘OMG, Clemmy! I didn’t realise you were so cut up about it all! If I’d known you were worrying about it I’d have talked to you more about it all! I’d have, I dunno, I’d have shown you my stupid bloody Facebook page so you could have seen for yourself!’

So I said I hadn’t wanted to say too much about it to her ’cos I was frightened she’d get annoyed, then I kinda laughed and said about how ridiculous I sounded.

Han smiled and said, ‘You have no idea, do you?’ so I said, ‘No idea about what?’

So she said, ‘No idea about just how much I love you. ’Cos I do, Clem, very much. You’re everything to me; the sun, the moon, the stars, everything. Forget anything that happened before I met you ’cos it doesn’t matter. I only started living the day you came into my life.’

When she said that I felt REAL stupid!

She’s just sent me a text tonight telling me how much I mean to her and now I’m lying in the dark just reading it over and over again, with a stupid, loved-up grin on my face.

Friday 28 December

Woke up to, like, a hundred texts from Han telling me how much she loves me and how much she needs me. Now that’s what I call a good way to start the day!

Got my appetite back (funny, that) so had a cold turkey sandwich for breakfast. HRBH made some puerile comment about my New Year’s resolution breaking already but I was way too happy to respond to her childish witterings.

Han loves me and I love Han, and there’s no greater feeling in the world (although getting my appetite back at last comes a close second!).

Saturday 29 December

Han came round after lunch and we had another heart-to-heart in my room. I told her I was sorry again, and she said she would ‘never, like, EVER do anything to hurt me’ ’cos all she wanted to do was ‘love me and look after me.’

She looked at me with more love in her eyes than I think I’d ever seen before and I felt a right prat for doubting her and getting myself so wound up over a dumb website that I’d never even heard of two months ago!

Mum was in town buying some glitter for Aunt Marie and Uncle Bob’s party on Sunday (don’t ask!) and Dad was busy down in the lounge wrestling with the fairy lights which had fused
yet again
, so I figured Han had said enough, and locked my door so I could make sure I could show her just how much I loved her too.

After we’d shown each other for the third time in a row and we’d finally got our breath back, Han told me I was ‘the most important person in her world, like,
ever
’ and I vowed never to doubt her ever again.

I tell you what, though, this bloody dating lark is tougher than I thought!

Sunday 30 December

Watched something on the news today when they do this review of everything that’s happened over the last year. I have to say, it’s been a bit boring in Britain, really. The most exciting things they could come up with was Tony Blair retiring to Barbados or wherever he’s going to disappear to, the Grumpy Gnome taking over from him, and England losing in the Rugby World Cup finals. Is this all we have to show for the last twelve months? Surely something more earth-shattering must have happened? I think if I was the telly news reader having to come in to announce that, I would have taken a sickie. Not worth getting out of bed for, that!!!

My year, on the other hand, has been pretty darned good. It’s just a pity I can’t go on the telly and tell everyone just how good it’s been, ’cos I tell you, sometimes I feel like shouting it all to the rooftops!

Han had gone to visit some relative near London today so I was at a loose end all day. I was dead bored by the evening, despite Han sending me regular text updates, so I decided to start to think about my New Year resolutions for next year and made myself a list. They won’t last more than a week, probably, but it passed a pleasurable hour while I was waiting for Mum to serve us the remains of the Christmas turkey for tea. I resolve to:

1. Love Han with all my heart forever and ever (that won’t be difficult).
   
2. Think before I say anything to her about matters of the heart (she’s so sensitive).
   
3. Try and like her choice of music more (but I draw the line at Metallica).
   
4. Be more patient when Great Aunt May comes to stay.
   
5. Stop winding HRBH up over her diets.
   
6. Work hard for my exams next year.
   
7. Try to like Ryan more.
   
8. Clean Uncle Buck’s cage more often. The smell of rabbit piss makes my eyes water.
   

I think that’s all! I know I can stick to numbers 1, 2, and 8 but I can’t guarantee I’ll stick to the others. Certainly not number 5. I’m only human after all.

Monday 31 December

Mum and Dad are off to Aunt Marie and Uncle Bob’s annual shindig tonight. Thank God I don’t have to go this year, dear diary, for I have been cordially invited to spend the evening having a civilized meal with Han and her parents, which means I don’t have to be a part of the annual humiliation that is Mum getting arse-holed on Campari and kissing any man who has the misfortune to stray into her path.

2 a.m.

Had a really grown-up and sophisticated New Year’s Eve meal at Han’s tonight. What a difference from last year! We had three courses (we usually have only two at ours—and that’s depending whether or not Mum can be arsed to rustle us up a pudding) with a respectable delay between each course so we could have polite conversation. If it wasn’t for the fact I was wearing ripped jeans and a sweatshirt with ‘Pimp My Ho’ written on it, I could quite have imagined myself in some sort of Jane Austen novel, squeezed into a corset and nibbling on roast swan or some such. We made it to midnight, then watched Big Ben bong, toasting each other with Cava, which was a bit dry and made my eye wink. Han’s mum and dad just hugged me rather than kissing me, which I was glad of! Her mum’s okay but her dad’s got a beard and I’m always worried he might have the remains of his dinner lurking in it. Then me and Han snuck out into the garden and stole a kiss round the back of the shed. We stood arm in arm and looked up at the moon, and Han whispered, ‘Thank you for the best year of my life, Clemmykins,’ which made my tummy turn to mush.

Then she said, ‘Just always remember what I told you the other day, okay? I love you
so
much, you know that? I’d be nothing without you,’ and I thought I’d never felt happier.

Han’s dad dropped me back home at around 1 a.m., and when he’d parked up, he squeezed my hand and thanked me for being such a good friend to his daughter. He told me that ‘he and Jeanette had been worried about Han fitting in at her new school, but that they were both so relieved she’d found such a good friend as me’. I smiled weakly at him and felt a rush of guilt inside. I bet if he knew the truth it’d be my throat he’d be squeezing, not my hand.

Tuesday 1 January

Another diary! Yay! I really do promise to keep this one neater than last year’s! I also promise not to assume Mum is going to get hammered every New Year from now until eternity, as she actually arrived home at a reasonable hour last night. She was slightly merry, granted, and her right eye kept looking at her left eye, and there was the faintest of faint whiffs of Campari on her breath—but she was completely empty-handed! Result!