365 Days

Monday 1 January

A new diary! Yay! I promise to keep this one neat, bearing in mind the mess I made of the last one. I also promise, after last night, NEVER to go out with my parents on New Year’s Eve again! OMG! We went to Uncle Bob’s annual shindig and I swear to God I’ll not go to next year’s. Yes, I know I say that every year, dear diary, but seriously…after the absolute tit Mum made of herself last night, I’m just going out into town next New Year, with all the other sensible people. I’m going to stand in the Abbey churchyard feeling cold and just a little bit miserable, and wait for the Abbey bells to bong at midnight. I’m going to kiss the nearest person standing next to me, whether or not they’re a stranger (although I’d prefer it if I knew them) and be back home in my bed by 12:30. Why be out with all the drunks, freezing all night, when I could be curled up in my warm bed?

Mum did her usual party trick last night, yes, you know the one—downed Campari frappés like they were going out of fashion—and tottered home at 4 a.m. with a ‘prize’. And what did she surprise us with this year? A pair of boxer shorts!!
Men’s boxer shorts!!
Ugh!! What’s worse, they’re a pair of USED boxer shorts! Double ugh! She claims she has no idea who they belong to, although I did catch a glimpse of her shortly before midnight, getting
very
cosy with some poor man whom she had pressed up against the wall-mounted electric can opener in Uncle Bob and Aunty Marie’s kitchenette, and who looked as if he wished the floor would open up and take him away somewhere safe, away from this mad woman with a bright red tongue (the Campari).

It wouldn’t be so bad if Mum was a seasoned drinker, but she only ever drinks on New Year’s Eve. One sniff of anything remotely alcoholic and she’s on her back with all fours in the air. It’s most unbecoming of a teacher; I often wonder what class 7MA would make of it if they ever had the misfortune to catch my mother, tanked up on cheap alcohol, in full throttle at two in the morning.

It remains to be seen if she can reunite aforementioned underpants with owner once she deigns to rise from her bed and greet us with her presence [/sarcasm/].

Tuesday 2 January

Alice rang me at 8:20 a.m. and wished me a happy new year. I told her she was 24 hours late and that she should have wished me a happy new year actually on New Year’s Day. She sounded a bit upset, even though I was joking [/hormones/]. Anyway, we met up in town at lunchtime and had a Starbucks, and I told her about the mysterious boxer shorts (which are now, thank God, residing in the bin) and she laughed at my telling of the tale, so that made me feel good. We’re going to the cinema tomorrow night to see some Russell Crowe movie: I wanted to see
Over the Hedge
but I was too embarrassed to tell her that. I
am
sixteen after all, so I suppose I ought to be maturing in my movie tastes. She’d probably laugh at me for wanting to see a cartoon…

Alice told me that a new girl’s starting in our class next week. I’m pleased. I like sitting next to Charlotte but she picks at her fingers
constantly
and it makes me feel sick. I swear one day she’s going to be there picking at the skin on her fingers and she’s going to peel a whole stretch of skin off, right up her arm. Gross! It would be good to have someone new to sit next to. I’ll speak to Mrs. Schofield, our form tutor, next week and see if I can be moved next to the new girl, on health grounds. Or maybe on the grounds of me having my human rights violated by having to sit next to Charlotte. Or something.

Alice talking about school got me thinking about J again. I hadn’t thought about her that much (although she’s always on my mind, lurking in the background) but I suppose I’ve been so caught up in all the Christmas festivities that I’ve not really had much time to, well,
think.
I’m going to try so hard not to be so involved with her (in my head, I mean…chance would be a fine thing to actually BE involved—ha ha!) so that I can concentrate on more important things. Like schoolwork! And a life!

Wednesday 3 January

I asked Mum today why she still hadn’t opened up the new mobile phone me and my sister bought her for Christmas. She said she had opened it, and it had looked too complicated to use, so she’d put it back in its box again. She said she was worried to use it in case she pressed a wrong button and started a war with Iran or something. She laughed as she said it, but I noticed that she had a nerve twitching in her cheek. I told my sister we should have bought her what every other sensible daughter buys her mother (saucepans) but would she listen? Nooooo! So that’s my half of £50 completely bloody wasted!

Went to see the Russell Crowe movie with Alice. It was crap. I knew I should have gone to see
Over the Hedge
instead!! Cute animated creatures or posturing, hairy Antipodean? Hmm!

Thursday 4 January

Such
a boring day! Dad went back to work today. My sister (Her Royal Bloody Highness) went out shopping in the sales with Mum, so I spent the day at home on my own. I don’t actually mind being on my own ’cos it gives me time to
think
. Guess what, or who, I thought about? Yup, J! It’s not as if I actually fancy J, well I don’t think so anyway…it’s just that I like being around her. Does that make sense? I’m happy when I see her, and even happier when she speaks to me (not that it happens very often). I think I just want her as a friend…I want to be her friend, even though I have Alice as a friend, it feels different with J. Maybe I do fancy her? I just dunno. All I do know is that it’s driving me crazy and I don’t know what to do.

No one at school has any idea how I feel, and I’d dieeeeeee if they ever found out about these feelings I have. I can’t even write her full name in my bloody diary, for God’s sake, in case someone should read it! What a mess!

Friday 5 January

It snowed a bit today! Barbara got hideously excited at the sight of white flakes, peed on the lawn, then looked confused ’cos the snow turned yellow. Rained this afternoon so pure white/yellow snow now gone to mush. That’s about as exciting as my day got today!!!!

Saturday 6 January

Ugh, my last weekend of freedom before school starts again! Had a lazy day today, got up late and watched some crap kids’ programmes on the telly till Her Royal Bloody Highness walked in, then I turned over (she thinks me a baby as it is, without catching me watching Nickelodeon). Took Barbara out for a nice long walk in the woods with Dad, which was going great till she tried to kill another dog that she saw, so we came home.

Sunday 7 January

Was awakened by the sound of Mum going to church at 8 a.m.! Thanks, Mum! My last day to have a lie-in and I’m interrupted by you!! [/mad/]. Forgave her when she came home and cooked Sunday lunch, though!! I thought of all the calories in her homemade trifle and worried that I won’t be able to get into the jeans Mum and Dad bought me for Christmas. But then I figured all the stress of returning to school tomorrow will help keep the weight off, so I helped myself to seconds.

Spent the rest of the day getting stuff ready for the return to school tomorrow. Next year we all take our final exams and I’m dreading it. All I want to do is English language and nothing else, but I suppose I can’t do that. What’s the point of Maths anyway? When am I
ever
going to need to know that π = 3.14159 or that E = mc² or whatever? Imagine, I’m down at Bob the Butcher’s buying my sausages for tea, I get to the counter and woman on the till says ‘that’ll be χ - (χ+χ²) please.’ It’s never gonna happen! Get real!

And what about French? What’s the point of that?! Everyone speaks English anyway! As long as I can order a sandwich (
un sandwich
—er, hello??!) and find out where the nearest toilets are (
les toilettes
—er, hello??!!) then what’s the point? Actually, reading back over what I’ve just written, if I was in France and asked for a sandwich, I’d better make damn sure I
did
know where the nearest toilets were! [/joke/].

Monday 8 January

Back to school. Ugh! Nothing had changed since we walked out of there on 20
^th
December last year! I swear to God, it was like time had stood still! Mrs. Russell could still be heard clip-clopping down the corridor with her unfeasibly high stilettos (this is despite telling all girls that they must
not
wear high heels), Miss Mynett still couldn’t teach a bunch of chimps if her life depended on it, and Mr. Banner still smelt of BO. So there you go.

The new girl doesn’t start until next week, apparently. She’s still on her Christmas holiday in Florida (!!!!), so Mrs. Schofield told us anyway. So I have to put up with Charlotte and her flaking skin till next flipping Monday!

It was good to see all the gang again, though. Ems came bustling up to me at break-time and squealed with delight at seeing all her chums again. Then we met up with Marcie, Caroline, and Matty at lunchtime and compared our awful Christmases. I recounted the tale of my mother and the mystery boxer shorts and everyone thought that was very funny. I didn’t tell them that I found the whole thing revolting, and just laughed along with them as I told the sorry tale.

Aaaaaaaand the best thing of all was that I saw J again! Okay, well I saw her retreating back as she went down the corridor, but it was good enough for me. Man, I’m soooooo sad!! (not).

Tuesday 9 January

Had double Biology first thing this morning. The last thing I want to be looking at, at nine in the morning is a PowerPoint presentation about the male reproductive system. In colour! Felt well queasy but had a Mars Bar at break and felt a bit better, until Ems thought it funny to shout ‘sper-MARS-oa’ at me half way through eating it and I nearly spat it out on my shoes!

When I got home tonight Mum was already in, and doing her yoga exercises in the front room. She was lying on the carpet with her feet up on the sofa, watching
Deal or No Deal
upside down; she tells me yoga helps her relax, but I’m sure I heard her shout ‘No Deal!’ in an agitated manner more than once. Personally I think she uses yoga as an excuse to lie on the floor and do nothing (like cook my flipping tea). She looked comfortable where she was though—I didn’t have the heart to tell her I’d seen Barbara wiping her arse on the carpet that morning.

Wednesday 10 January

J was sitting on the wall outside the gym with her chums at lunchtime today and she smiled at me as I walked past!! I was having trouble chewing a Werther’s Original
toffee at the time so I looked like something resembling a dribbling, grinning chimp as I tried to smile back. Just my luck!! Of course, I tried to remain as calm as I ever can when I see her, so I don’t think any of my lot realised that my heart was going at about 1,000 beats per minute!

We’re doing all about the Cold War in History this term. We’ve been given homework already!! In our first week back!! I mean, c’mon! We’ve got to write a short essay on some bloke called Stalin by next Monday, so I’ll log onto the Internet tomorrow after school and see if there’s anything on there about this here Stalin fellow.

Thursday 11 January

HRBH announced at the breakfast table that her music class are doing a trip to Italy this year, and can she have the £440 needed by next week please? After Dad had finished choking on his Fruit ’n Fibre he asked her how long she’d known about this trip? Her Royal Bloody Highness shrugged and said, ‘a few weeks.’ Dad just looked at Mum and rolled his eyes!! How does HRBH do this? If I’d asked my parents for that amount of money in such a short space of time I would get earache about it for weeks! HRBH mentions it casually and all she gets is rolled eyes!! She gets away with bloody murder. [/injustice/].

It’s Alice’s birthday tomorrow, so I went into town after school and bought her:

1. A pencil case shaped like a carrot,
   
2. A small china rabbit, with one paw raised and a quizzical look upon its face,
   
3. A soft rabbit key ring. When you press its belly, it snores.
   

I also got her a birthday card showing two rabbits bouncing on a trampoline. The wording on it just said, ‘bunny bouncers.’ I thought about buying her some Maltesers
as well but they look a bit too much like large rabbit poos for my liking.

(Alice loves rabbits.)

Friday 12 January

Alice’s birthday!! I met her at her house this morning and nabbed a lift to school with her and her dad (he’s just bought a new 4x4 and now takes Alice to school, like, every day just ’cos he wants to show it off to the other parents, I think). Dad calls him a ‘sad bastard’ and I’m inclined to agree. Gave Alice her presents and she seemed pleased with them; she squealed when she pressed the key ring rabbit’s belly and it snored. She kept pressing it and pressing it to make it snore, and I must admit it was getting RIGHT on my nerves by the time we arrived at school. I’m pretty sure one time she did it just to mask a fart—either that or the air-conditioning in her dad’s 4x4 needs adjusting.