12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (19 page)

Lucky implement:
Tweezers

Lucky plug:
Bath

T
AURUS

For all Taureans, and especially those with Taurus in the Ascendant, there’s a chance that things could develop into romance this week. If you have never previously
considered a romantic attachment to everyday objects such as a four-slice toaster or an ironing board, this could be just the time to do it. On Friday you will have a bad attack of whelks.

Lucky fruit:
Sharon

Lucky tree:
Larch

G
EMINI

Upsetting though recent events have been, you may begin to see the results of some of your recent actions, even those emerging from the times when you’ve been banging
your head against a brick wall. The bandages should come off in a week or so and there was only superficial damage to the Borough Surveyor’s office, so the Council will not be seeking
compensation.

Lucky vision:
Double

Lucky speech:
Slurred

C
ANCER

If Cancer is your Rising Sign, you are likely to feel inclined to defend your values and your way of life this week. The more confrontational you are, the less comfortable the
world around you is going to feel. You may find that you are sending out the wrong message by driving a tank to work and wearing body-armour.

Lucky spot:
Black

Lucky flower:
Self-raising

L
EO

There is no mistaking your intentions this week. The dustbin-bag full of cotton wool, the 5-gallon can of golden syrup and the life-sized effigy of Marlon Brando have probably
given the game away. A square Saturn at the end of the week indicates that your brittle toenails are starting to respond to the treatment, so the rash purchase of handcrafted replacements could
have been avoided.

Lucky condiment:
Sea-salt

Lucky plover:
Ringed

V
IRGO

A magnificent aspect between Mars and Jupiter in the area of your chart concerned with wallpaper selection means that you will finally make a decision about what to put on the
‘feature-wall’ in the sitting room. Cork tiles are not everyone’s first choice, but it does prove a practical choice when you hold your regular pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey
evenings.

Lucky steppe:
Russian

Lucky emission:
Spurt

L
IBRA

Usually, you are very sure of yourself – a picture of self-assurance and confidence, but this week does not see you striding out with your head held as high. This may be
due to the malign influence of mysterious Neptune, which on Tuesday transits your fourth house, or it might just be the stiff neck you suffered at banger racing on Sunday.

Lucky strap:
Retaining

Lucky sausage:
Pork and leek

S
CORPIO

Everyone knows that there will be change in their lives, but you are less willing to accept this than most. Picking out any coins lower in value then 10p and throwing them in
the gutter is likely to make you materially poorer in several ways, not least when you are arrested and fined for repeated littering on Thursday.

Lucky plea:
Insanity

Lucky sentence:
Suspended

S
AGITTARIUS

If you have been in disagreement with those around you in recent days, things may begin to improve after the midweek trine between Mercury and Uranus when you are left a fully
equipped Abrams battle tank in the will of a distant relative. However, Pluto transiting your birthsign on Thursday means that you may have trouble getting fully comprehensive insurance for it.

Lucky treatment:
Holistic

Lucky goat:
Snowy

C
APRICORN

On Tuesday, you will be involved in a drunken brawl with a blonde lady colleague during a stress-management class. However, friendly Jupiter means that you can do no wrong.
When you are hauled up before the boss, he congratulates you on your vocal range and offers you both a recording contract under the name ‘Atomic Mutton’.

Lucky iris:
Reticulated

Lucky swan:
Mute

A
QUARIUS

On Wednesday, unpredictable Uranus enters your birthsign. You will notice a drunken, red eyed, tousle-haired lunatic beckoning at you from a shop window... You eventually
realise that that’s actually your reflection. An interesting aspect between Neptune and Saturn indicates that you should probably reject the long-standing offer of marriage from Jim
Davidson.

Lucky trousers:
Cavalry Twill slacks

Lucky herb:
Marjoram

P
ISCES

However much you looked forward to your plans, events last week will have upset the hopes of many people with their Sun in Pisces in the last few days. On Tuesday the back of
your legs will be severely slapped by a forthright lady Chiropodist with firm views on knitting patterns. Before the end of the week, you will be stopped in the street by Tiger Woods who will try
to sell you a pair of shop-soiled shoe-trees.

Lucky starter:
Vaseline

Lucky pudding:
Bread

A
RIES

Mercury remains retrograde this week. On Wednesday you receive another invitation to a ‘bring-your-own massage-oil’ party at Kylie Minogue’s house. Try to
think of a better excuse than ‘shopping night’ for not going this time or she’ll start getting suspicious and may begin to question your commitment to the relationship.

Lucky duo:
Pearl Carr & Teddy Johnson

Lucky packaging:
Bubble-wrap

T
AURUS

Your ruler, Venus, is helping you with any creative work this week. If you are involved in organising anything, especially on a large scale, the time is very auspicious. A
trine Pluto means that you may be called in as a last minute body-double for Boris Johnson at the opening ceremony for the Olympic Stadium, so don’t bother with the haircut you were planning
at the weekend.

Lucky plane:
Horizontal

Lucky joint:
Elbow

G
EMINI

A lively aspect between Saturn and Pluto at the beginning of the week indicates that you will soon be needing new laces in those hiking-boots. A Bacchanalian lunch with a
miscreant colleague on Wednesday will leave you regretting your choice of the ‘fromage-a-trois’ starter.

Lucky hairstyle:
French-plait

Lucky wise-man:
Melchior

L
IBRA

It could be rather a low week in your love life with very few offers of marriage. Capricorn rising indicates that this might be a good time to consider giving up competitive
eating. A persistent colleague with abundant warts may plague you with frequent requests for help on Wednesday. Mercury, planet of communication, suggests a bulldog-clip may provide just what you
need.

Lucky wine:
Gooseberry

Lucky thong:
Thuperthtition

C
ANCER

The early part of the week may bring you an unexpected message from the past – perhaps an old flame, or possibly a tax demand. Tuesday lunchtime will see you cornered by
a stocky Eskimo wearing a tie that could best be described as ‘a bit sudden’. Mars rising indicates that you will narrowly lose the contest to become the new ‘Face of
Lentheric’ to ‘Lemmy’ from Motorhead.

Lucky element:
Surprise

Lucky shears:
Edging

L
EO

Saturn enters your seventh house on Thursday, bringing with it a sudden urge to take up a hobby that will help to use all those rolls of brown paper you have in the garage, and
the two packets of wax crayons you found in the cupboard under the stairs. Inspiration comes as Mercury goes trine on Friday and you decide that, rather than collect autographs, you will start
doing celebrity rubbings and form a club, as it can be difficult to hold down a struggling celebrity and do the rubbing, unless of course the celebrity in question is Tom Cruise or Ronnie
Corbett.

Lucky knot:
Sheepshank

Lucky Spice:
Posh

V
IRGO

Pluto forms and interesting trine with Mercury this week in the area of your chart concerned with foot-care. The discolouration of your toenails will continue for the rest of
the week until the growth starts to show above your shoes and attract the attentions of local scrimshaw enthusiasts who may make you an offer you were not expecting.

Lucky affliction:
Restless leg

Lucky elbow:
Tennis

L
IBRA

Librans are notorious for being unable to make up their mind. This is unfair, on the whole, because you prefer to wait and look at things from every side. However, you would do
well to spend your time in the company of someone much more decisive and dynamic on Wednesday evening as Mars enters your fourth house indicating that you will be attacked by a swarm of bees while
queuing for a last minute birthday present in a shop that is on fire.

Lucky cake:
Battenberg

Lucky table:
Drop leaf

S
CORPIO

This is likely to be a reflective time for you, particularly since you started going through some of the old clothes you wore in the 1970s and ‘80s when you were a disco
diva. The downside is that, as many of the shiny clothes are now a little ‘snug fitting’, you will be arrested on Thursday for attempting to bring down a light aircraft through careless
use of a pair of silver trousers.

Lucky leotard:
Black

Lucky smell:
Bleach

S
AGITTARIUS

Your ruler, Jupiter, is now challenging the Sun. You are not going to take anything lying down, so it’s probably not the best week for a visit to either the dentist or
the chiropractor. On Friday, you will finally give up your long-standing habit of writing down the serial numbers of every banknote in your wallet.

Lucky shoes:
Espadrilles

Lucky cereal:
Maize

C
APRICORN

On Monday, your ruler Saturn is trine the Sun, and you should be able to reap the reward for past efforts. It has now been nearly three years since the safe-job and the
beginning of the week is a good time to visit the scene where you stashed the loot. Avoid going on a spending spree later in the week as this may alert the authorities.

Lucky garden tool:
Spade

Lucky accomplice:
Big Al

A
QUARIUS

You can’t make a silk purse out of a pig’s ear, so you may want to detach yourself from what’s going on around you this week; but then a working holiday in an
abattoir, though an unusual gift, was never going to be at the top of your list of ideal recreations. On Friday, Pluto rising means that you will have malt-loaf for elevenses.

Lucky footwear:
Wellington boots

Lucky thickener:
Arrowroot

P
ISCES

If you are part of any kind of outdoor group activities you may find yourself bending over backwards to accommodate the needs of complete strangers on Wednesday evening. A
square Neptune also means that you may lose your regular parking spot when you are delayed by an earthquake in Tescos.

Lucky dog:
Schnauzer

Lucky torch:
Maglite

A
RIES

Sunday’s square between the Sun and your ruler, Mars, may present difficulties. Some degree of arguments or disagreements are likely, but the best way forward is to do
what comes naturally to you. If lying on the floor, kicking your heels, screaming for two hours and holding your breath don’t work, you could consider talking.