1 The Bitches of Everafter (6 page)

9

Rules Are Meant To Be Broken

Snow lifted her hand in the air, ever so slowly, just as a white mouse scurried across her foot and into the hallway. He twitched his whiskers at her and she swore the cute little thing pointed at one of the doors that read “Do Not Enter.” Snow wasn’t sure that she would ever get used to this house.

Bella said, “Aura, take Cindy and clean her up. Pour some coffee down her throat and wash the red out of her eyes. I’m sure the Cowboy will be here soon and we can’t have him thinking she’s anything less than an angel.”

“Roger that.” Aura stripped a curtain from its rod and tossed it over Cindy, presumably so she didn’t have to touch her. The two shuffled out of the kitchen.

Bella turned to Punzie. “Try to make this place look a little less spic and span, will you?”

Punzie tossed a dish on the floor. It cracked into jagged pieces.

Bella cocked an eyebrow at her. “Really?”

Punzie regarded at the broken crockery. “Too much?”

The dark haired woman blew out a sigh. She turned on her boot heel and waved. “New chick, come with me. We need to have a chat.”

Snow didn’t like the sound of that, but seeing as how Bella appeared to be the ring leader of this prickly posse, she trailed after her anyway.

The taller woman checked her watch, ducked inside one of the “Do Not Enter” rooms, and yanked Snow in after her.

She shut the door and locked it.

“We’re not supposed to come in here,” Snow said.

Bella pulled a string and a light shined down on them. “You’re one of those, aren’t you?” She planted a hand on her hip.

“One of what?” Snow asked, looking around the room. It smelled of mothballs and extinct perfume. Judging from the saddle shoes, flapper dresses, and feathered hats littering the place, she assumed this was where fashion went to die.

“A rule follower. One who doesn’t understand that rules were meant to be broken.”

Snow was really growing tired of the insinuating remarks that she was this innocent lamb. After what she had done, she was certainly not the purest woman to walk the earth. She had a dark side. She did. Well, maybe it was more of a dark corner, a sliver really, but still. She had sinned.

“Look, I just don’t want to go to jail, all right? I would think you all would want to stay off the judge’s radar for a while.”

Bella smiled. “You seem smart. Smarter than a couple of those pastry puffs out there, so I’m going to make this very simple for you. The first rule of Granny’s house is that there are no rules except Don’t Break the Law.”

Snow widened her eyes. “Seriously?”

Bella nodded, then thought for a moment. “And the Sunday dinner thing. She’s a stickler for that. She says it feels like we’re a family and she wants to catch up on what’s going on in her girls’ lives, but I suspect it’s more to keep her out of the high stakes Bingo Hall. She’s been clean for over five years, but she used to have a big problem with the boards if you know what I mean.” Bella winked.

Snow actually had no idea what she meant, and she didn’t really care, but she winked back.

Bella gave her an odd look. “All the other rules either came straight from the courts or were designed by Granny herself to make her look good.”

“How so?”

Bella gestured broadly. “You think she pays for this monstrosity? No, the court does. And because of that monthly check she gets, Granny thinks that the more rules she tries to establish under her roof, the better chances she’ll have of keeping the cash flowing.”

“So you’re saying that things like no alcohol, no foul language, lights out by ten…”

“Are all nonsense. Although honestly, she does get her Granny panties in a wad when we go into the “Do Not Enter” rooms. Most of them are locked. I have no idea why. They’re only filled with junky old crap that most people throw away.”

Snow considered this. Then she recalled the mirror conversation that Punzie had with Granny yesterday. “And the mirrors?”

Bella nodded. “Right. The no mirrors thing is a court mandate. I guess while we’re on probation they want us to grow humble or some shit.”

“No alcohol?”

“Technically, that only applies to Cindy. Ironic, isn’t it?”

Snow smiled, wondering how Aura was handling her task. Which brought her to another question. “But Aura didn’t want the other two fighting. She said she didn’t want to upset Granny.”

Bella shrugged, “Well sure, no one wants to upset Granny. We all love her. She’s a pretty cool old broad. She’s helped us out of a few jams and she’s never narced, not once. In fact,” Bella tapped her lip. “You might say she’s the queen bitch around here.”

Snow had no idea they felt that way, especially after the way Punzie and Aura spoke to the old woman, although now that she thought about it, if Granny were as crotchety as she tried to appear, the girls wouldn’t have been as playful.

Another thought occurred to Snow.  “Then why were you so concerned about getting Cindy sobered up?”

“Because the Cowboy—that’s what we call our probation officer, his real name is Robin Hood—comes every Saturday at nine a.m. sharp. If he saw Cindy like that, she’d be busted for sure. Which reminds me...” She looked at her watch. “He’ll be here soon.”

Bella reeled off the rest of the court-imposed rules—the bits about the therapy sessions, community service hours, and curfew. She turned off the light and opened the door. “Any questions?”

Snow racked her brain but could only come up with one. “What about the books? There’s none in the library.”

Bella smiled like a cat with a canary in her food dish. “That’s just for me. You’ll find out why in group. Come on. It’s time to pay the piper.”

Snow turned around to shut the door behind her and she thought she saw a silvery glow emanating from the back of the closet. She pushed aside an old nurse’s uniform, but all she saw was another mouse. A brown one. He winked at her and curled into a red-sequined shoe.

10

Robin's Merry Band of Femmes

Robin Hood stood on the porch in the morning sun waiting for someone to answer the door of Granny’s house. He was so jumpy about meeting the newest she-devil that he almost left his files in the car. He ran back to retrieve them and as he turned, he thought he saw a curtain flutter in an upper window. He pressed the buzzer a second time, and after a few moments he heard Granny yell, “Hold your horses!” Another cowboy reference. He hated that the girls called him that, but he supposed they would invent another nickname even if he lost the boots and the hat. Besides, he had heard them call other folks much worse. And he liked his hat. It gave him a sense of protection when he wore it, like it was a helmet shielding him from the darts they shot at him with their eyes.

Granny opened the door wearing a plaid housecoat. Her silver hair was pinned up into a tight bun, and her glasses were perched on top of it.

She squinted at him. “Who’s that now?” She stood about as high as Robin’s belt buckle and she was talking into it like a microphone.

“It’s Robin, Granny. I’m here for the weekly check-in.”

Granny’s lips were sliding over her gums. It seemed she had forgotten to put her teeth in her mouth. She frowned. “Can’t see a blasted thing without me spectacles.”

Robin reached forward and plucked the glasses from the top of Granny’s head. He placed them in her hand.

“Oh, right so.” She slid them up the bridge of her nose and opened the door wider. “Come on in, I’m not air conditioning the neighborhood, you know. Coconuts don’t grow on trees.”

“Actually…” Robin began, and then thought better of it.

“Huh?” Granny said.

He stepped through the door and into the parlor. “Is everyone here?”

Granny scowled. “How in a dragon’s eye should I know? You’re here at the crack of the sun, for crying up a rope.”

Robin never fully understood Granny’s colloquialisms. He supposed she meant she’d just gotten up and hadn’t seen the women yet.

“Go sit in the parlor,” she barked. “I’ll fetch them.”

“We’re all here, Granny.”

Robin shifted his gaze to the left and there stood Bella. She was fully dressed, tapping her boot and wearing a sassy grin. Aura, Cindy, and Punzie were still in their nightclothes, while the newest member of the household, Snow White, according to the file Robin had on her, was standing off to the side looking—and this was the part that gave him pause—humble.

Not that he bought the act. This wasn’t his first rodeo with these crazy clowns.

“Good, you’re all here. That’s a good start.”

Cindy hiccupped and Punzie slapped her back. Hard.

Cindy glared at the pole dancer but she didn’t retaliate. She only said, “Thank you, Punzie. I’ll be sure to return the favor someday.”

“Okay ladies, let’s have your sign-off sheets,” Robin said.

One by one they approached Granny’s desk and pulled out a manila folder. They each handed Robin a file and took a seat in the various mismatched chairs surrounding the crumbling fireplace. Except Snow White, who remained standing, hands clasped in front of her.

Robin sat down near a table and opened the file for Bella Bookless. Her community service was reading to the elderly on Monday and Wednesday afternoons and Friday evenings. Robin had had no complaints about her, and it seemed she hadn’t missed a session this week. She also worked at a tavern called Witch’s Brew since she lost her job at the bookstore. Her time card indicated that she hadn’t missed any hours there either. Robin shuffled the papers around until he found Dr. Bean’s session notes written out in his pointy, scratchy print.

Bella is progressing nicely. She seemed to have a real breakthrough when last we met. Her enthusiasm for her service at the Gingerbread Retirement home is refreshing. It seems she may focus her efforts on securing employment there when her probation period is complete.

Robin lifted his eyes to Bella. “So the community service is going well?”

Bella gave him a sly smile. She crossed her legs and leaned back in the thread bare green damask chair. “Absofreakinlutely,” she said.

Robin smiled. “Excellent.”

“Yes sir,” she said. “Those old broads really love their smut books.”

Aura stifled a giggle and Robin’s face flushed red. He scribbled in her file and set it aside. “Okay, Bella, you’re free to go.”

Bella stood up and stretched her arms. She didn’t say anything as she brushed past Robin, but she did start singing a tune as she ascended the stairs. “Save a horse, ride a cowboy...”

Robin sighed. One down, four to go.

The next file he pulled was for Cindy Glass.

She must have seen her name written on the tab because she scooted her chair over to him and leaned forward, her cleavage spilling out of her negligee. She crossed her long legs, revealing flawless skin all the way up to her thigh, and caressed Robin’s calf with her foot.

“How’d I do Mr. Officer?” Her voice was all silky and sweet like melted chocolate, and for a moment Robin forgot his own name.

He pushed her foot away and inched back. These seduction games were worse than the insults. They left him flustered and confused as if he had been under a spell. All in all, he preferred they just punch him the face.

He opened Cindy’s file. Her session notes with the Doctor read:
Cindy is understandably still struggling with her addiction. She fights these demons every single day, but there is no evidence that she is imbibing. She seems to be getting stronger and she is coming to terms with her failed marriage.

Judge Redhood had ordered that the punishment for Cindy’s crimes would be passing out shoes from her own closet at the Everafter homeless shelter. At first, the well-off divorcée had vehemently protested the judge’s sentence, but she must have come around to the idea because the reports Robin had received lately from the director were glowing, and she hadn’t missed a day of duty.

“Seems everything is in order. Do you have any questions?”

“Just one.” Cindy edged closer and in a husky, low voice asked, “Do you do it with your boots on?”

Robin stiffened. “You’re dismissed, Cindy.”

Cindy curtsied and whisked out of the room.

Robin looked around for Granny, but she always seemed to disappear during these meetings.

Next up was Aura Rose.

Aura was running the Meals on Wheels program that provided food for those who couldn’t get out to shop for themselves—the disabled, the elderly, and the infirm. Her service card had also been signed off with good reviews from the customers. Her session notes from the doctor always read the same.
Aura is a highly skilled, highly talented individual. Should she remain focused on employing her gifts for good, providing for others rather than taking from them, she will definitely be an asset to Everafter and a productive member of society.

Robin looked up to ask Aura a question, but stopped short. She was wearing his hat and grinning. He hadn’t even felt her lift it from his head.

He stood and stuck his hand out.

She gave him an ‘aw shucks’ look. “I was just playing.”

“We’re done here, Aura.”

“Copy that, Jack.” She saluted him and skipped off into the next room.

Punzie Hightower was the next parolee Robin needed to examine. She yawned and looked at Robin accusingly. She crossed her arms and cocked her head, her braid curled up in her lap like a sleeping snake.

“What?” he said.

“You never used those free passes I gave you.”

“I told you, Punzie, I’m a married man. I don’t go to strip clubs.”

“It’s called a g
entlemen’s
club. And half the losers in there are married.”

Robin ignored her and checked her time sheet for work. She hadn’t missed a shift. The judge had decided that working at The Fairest of Them All club was punishment enough, so rather than assign Punzie community service, she instructed the owner of the club to double the dancer’s hours.

Robin wished that she had done anything but that—it only made her legs stronger. They were like tree trunks with spikes at the ends of them.

He made some notes and checked Dr. Bean’s session notes. There was nothing unusual in his report, so Robin told her she could leave. She huffed off into another part of the house and Robin sat facing the last woman on his docket. Snow White.

She was still standing off to the side, biting her lower lip and shuffling her feet. There was a brown mouse just off her left shoe and it gazed at the raven haired beauty with adoration in its eyes.

He smiled at her. “Come on over here. I don’t bite.”

And you’d better not either
, he thought.

Snow White gingerly approached him and stood with her hands still clasped. Her blue eyes brimmed with trepidation.

“Well, it seems you’re the newest member of the band.”

There was no file on her yet as she hadn’t attended a session with Dr. Bean, nor had her community service begun.

“Yes.” Her voice shook.

“How do you like the house?”

She looked around the vast room with its crumbling wallpaper and cracked ceiling. “It’s fine. It could use some sprucing up, I suppose.”

“Are you handy with that sort of thing? Decorating and such?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I’m sure Granny would appreciate any help you could give her.”

“I’m sure.”

She seemed almost as meek as the mouse.

“Do you have any questions for me?”

She considered it for a moment. “None that I can think of.”

Robin stood. “Granny has my card, so if you think of anything you just give me a holler. I’ll be happy to help you in any way I can.”

Until you do something mean like dose my tea and paint my toenails pink while I’m passed out.
He was certain that Cindy had been involved with
that
disaster. It took him forever to get the polish off. Luckily, Marion wasn’t home at the time.

Robin felt Snow’s eyes on him as he gathered up the files. Perhaps she wouldn’t be so difficult after all. She certainly didn’t seem like the type to slash his tires or prank-call his phone.

Robin smiled at her and said, “Don’t worry. The time will go by quickly as long as you obey the rules and stay out of trouble.”

She nodded.

Robin felt good about this one. Maybe he
would
make a difference here. Although her crime was more disturbing than any of the others, she seemed truly remorseful.

As if she sensed his thoughts, Snow White said, while his hand was just about to twist the knob, “I’ll stay out of trouble.”

He turned back. “That’s good, glad to hear it.” He smiled at her.

Then she added, “But I’m not sorry. Not even a little bit.” Her jaw was firm. She wasn’t kidding.

Her deadly serious tone chilled Robin to the bone.

He hurried from the house of horrors, shutting the door behind him without saying another word. He started up the car, and sped away toward the judge’s house.

As he drove down the block, Robin’s lights flashed on, the windshield wipers swished frantically at full speed, and the radio blared country music full blast.

“Goddamn those bitches,” he muttered as he eased the car up the hill to Wolf’s Den Drive.