Z-Burbia 5: The Bleeding Heartland (25 page)

“How’s it coming?” Lourdes yells.

“It’d probably come pretty fast with this sucker,” I say as I waggle a particularly girthy (Girthful? Girthtacular?) dildo about. “Damn, do I feel inadequate.”

“Don’t you always?” Critter cackles.

“Hey, less mocking and more, uh ... what rhymes with mocking that means breaking through a wall?” I say.

No one responds. I could use a pocket thesaurus. No, wait! One of those rhyming dictionaries that poets use. If we live through this I am totally snagging one of those from the next library we pass.

“No, you’re not!” Greta yells. “That’s the last thing we need!”

Everyone agrees quickly. Oh, sure, they respond to that.

The mound of dead Zs begins to tumble into Reptile Jesus’s dildotorium. Then the Zs behind start to climb over their fallen comrades, and it looks like we’re done for unless we get through the next wall.

“We know!” everyone shouts.

The amazing sound of crunching particle board comes from behind me. I turn, and nearly split my face in half as I grin at the sight. I can actually see snow falling! This wall leads outside! Huzzah!

Critter, Stuart, Elsbeth, and Greta keep working at widening the hole, as Lourdes and her men get back to the shooty shooty they do so well.

I just keep throwing dildos at the Zs. It’s really all I can do since I only have one arm, and I lost the crowbar in the pit. Which is now a pit of fire. That could so be a country song. I lost my crowbar in the burning pit of fire. I need to remember that.

“Come on!” Stuart yells as they get the hole big enough to step through.

He sticks a leg out, then yanks it back in faster than I’ve ever seen him move.

“What’s wrong?” I ask. But the answer shows itself quickly. “Oh, fuck.”

Holes in walls, no holes in walls. Doesn’t make a bit of difference when Reptile Jesus’s entire cluster of trailers is surrounded by a Z herd. The ones coming from the torture room? That’s just the welcoming committee. The real party is happenin’ outside. Awesome.

“Fuck!” Stuart yells, and just starts firing into the herd, killing every Z he can.

It doesn’t even make a dent in the numbers. There are easily a few hundred out there. And now that they know there’s food through this convenient hole we’ve made for them, they want to be in here. Ain’t no party like a Z herd trying to get inside a sex room trailer party! Hey! Ho!

“Daddy!” Greta yells. “What now?”

“I don’t know, baby,” I say, and take her in my arm. I kiss her forehead. “Just close your eyes, sweetheart. It’ll all be over soon.”

“Oh, fuck that,” she snaps, and shoves me away. “I am not going out like some lame dork in a Roland Emmerich disaster movie.”

Did my baby girl just make a Roland Emmerich reference while facing down certain death? Yes, she did! I couldn’t be more proud! That’s my girl!

“I’m out!” one of the PCs yells.

“Me too!” another shouts.

“Same here!”

“Out!”

We huddle up together as Zs come at us from inside the trailer, and Zs come at us from outside the trailer.

Then there are no Zs outside the trailer. I shit you not, folks. One second there are Zs, and the next second there’s an RV.

Wait? An RV?

The side door opens up right into the trailer.

“Get your asses in!” Buzz yells. “We don’t have much time!”

No time is needed. We basically teleport our asses into that RV. Buzz slams the door shut just as the Zs reach the RV, and undead hands smack against the side, while undead mouths moan with some serious disappointment.

Pup is driving and he floors it, sending all of us tumbling to the floor of the RV as it rockets forward through the herd of Zs. I don’t think he lets up off the gas until we’re turned around and barreling out of the compound, splitting what’s left of the herd right down the middle.

“Damn, guys,” I say. “That was some serious rescue shit right there. Thanks.”

No one says anything; they all just stare at me. Except for Greta, who has her face buried in her hands.

“What?” I ask, then look down at what I’m holding. “Oh, hey, check it out. I snagged one after all.”

I waggle the silicone dildo at everyone and laugh.

No one laughs with me.

“Put the cock away, Jace,” Stuart says. “None of us need to see that right now.”

“Stella’s gonna be stoked,” I smile.

“DAD!” Greta shrieks, gets up, and goes to the back of the RV.

“Oh, grow up,” I call after her. “You’re alive, aren’t you? There are worse things than your dad joking about giving a dildo to your mother.”

“Not many,” Buzz says. “You should really put that away.”

I toss the dildo aside and turn to Buzz.

“Thanks for playing cavalry,” I say, holding out my hand. He looks down at it, then over at the dildo. “Dude, it wasn’t used. At least I don’t think it was. Hmmmm, anyone got some hand sanitizer?”

“Shut up,” Stuart says, and pushes me out of the way. Buzz shakes his hand. “Stella send you?”

“Of course,” Buzz says. “And Melissa. As soon as you folks left, they started conspiring. Good thing, too. We found the short bus, and then saw smoke coming from that tunnel. We would have been here faster, but we had to circle all the way around to find the compound.”

“Your timing was perfect,” Stuart says.

“Almost,” Elsbeth says. “Little Canny.”

“Who?” Buzz asks.

“That Rafe kid,” Critter says. “He didn’t make it.”

“That’s too bad,” Buzz says. “I didn’t really know him, but he seemed like a good kid.”

“He was,” I reply. “He actually was.”

There’s a few nods in agreement, then the RV goes quiet as we all settle in for the ride back to the convoy. I go and sit down next to Greta and wrap my arm around her.

“I’m glad you’re safe,” I say.

“No dildo jokes,” she says.

“No dildo jokes,” I reply. “I’m just here to hug on you.”

“Okay,” she says, and leans into me.

We sit like that for a while.

“But that room was pretty crazy, right?” I say, unable to help myself. “I mean, did you see all that shit?”

“I have no idea why Mom’s stayed with you,” Greta says. “I would have ditched your ass the second I saw the first Z.”

“Nah, you love me just the way I am,” I smile. “Think of how dull and boring the apocalypse would be without me?”

There are a few sighs of longing from everyone.

“Hey,” I snap. “Not cool, people. You’re ruining a tender moment between a father and his daughter.”

“You ruined it a long time ago, Daddy,” Greta says, but she leans in tighter. “But, yes, the apocalypse would be boring without you.”

No one argues with her, so I’ll take that as a win.

Pup has the heat on full, and soon the RV is one toasty, while pungent, vehicle. I drift off with Greta leaning into my shoulder, and I couldn’t be happier.

***

I wake up with a start as I hear yelling, and I realize the RV has stopped. Greta is still against me, but she wakes up just as fast, and we look around at an empty RV.

“Get your fucking ass down, now!” I hear Lourdes shouting. “You move slow and steady, asshole!”

There’s some more shouting, and then a gun goes off.

“OK!” a man shrieks. “Please, just stop pointing the guns at me! Please! I’m a doctor! I’m not one of those people! I’m not going to hurt anyone! I’m a doctor!”

“Yeah, you already said that, dipshit!” Critter yells. “And I’ve met some seriously evil doctors, so don’t try to pull one over on us!”

“You have three seconds to climb down from there! THREE!” Lourdes yells.

“I’m climbing! I’m climbing!”

Greta jumps up and races for the RV’s door. “Stop! Don’t hurt him! Stop!”

“Greta? Get back in there,” Lourdes orders. “You don’t need to see this.”

“I said to fucking stop!” Greta shouts as I scramble up and follow her out into the snow. It’s not falling anywhere near as hard as before, but it’s still falling. “I know him, dammit! Put down your guns!”

“Greta?” a voice asks from above us.

I look up and see a man wrapped in all kinds of blankets and coats. Only his eyes are showing, and his eyelashes are nothing but icicles.

“Hey,” Greta smiles up at the man. “What the fuck are you doing up there?”

“I hopped on as you were leaving,” the man says. “I was stuck on top of the infirmary trailers, and when you drove by I took my chance. Nearly fell off at that last curve. I guess some of your people heard me thumping around up here.”

Greta turns to Lourdes and glares. She is almost the spitting image of a pissed off Stella, and Lourdes actually flinches at the look.

“Put down the guns,” Greta insists. “He’s a friend.”

“From that compound?” Stuart asks, a shotgun to his shoulder. “Greta, I think you’re confused. There are no friends from that compound.”

“He is!” she snaps, and points a finger at him. Then she steps in front of his shotgun. “You going to shoot me, Stuart? You going to blast a hole right through my head like a Z? Because you’ll have to if you want to get to him.”

“Who is he?” Elsbeth asks.

Funny, it’s the first time anyone thinks to ask that. Leave it to Elsbeth to get to the point.

“Jimmy,” Greta says, and I hear something in her voice I am none too pleased with.

She likes this guy.

“Dr. James Stenkler,” the man says. “I was the doctor back at that compound. I checked Greta over when they brought her in.”

“He saved me,” Greta says.

“Greta, we saved you,” Lourdes says, looking around at all the people holding firearms still pointed up at the man. “This guy was part of those crazies. He didn’t save you. He may have convinced you he did, but he didn’t. It’s normal for hostages to-.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up, Lourdes,” Greta says. “I’m not some Stockholm Syndrome bippy twat. If I say he saved me, it’s because he actually saved me. Some of the men came sniffing around for a new piece of ass, and he kept them from taking me. Told them I had syphilis and crabs, but it did the trick.”

“Do you?” Elsbeth asks. “Because those are bad things. Never eat someone with crabs. They get stuck in your-.”

“Oh, Jesus,” I snap. “That’s enough, El.”

“Just shit fucking with you, Long Pork.” Elsbeth laughs, then sheathes her blades and walks back into the RV. “Get him down. We should keep moving. We can’t stop like this anymore.”

Everyone looks from the man on the RV, to Greta, then back to the man.

“Come on, Jimmy,” Greta says. “They won’t hurt you.”

“I’m not so sure about that, G,” Dr. Stenkler says.

“G?” I say. “Excuse me? You do not get to call my daughter G.”

“Oh, sorry,” the man apologizes as he scoots to the end of the RV and climbs down the back ladder. “You must be her father, Jace. Good to meet you. G, or, uh, Greta didn’t stop talking about you.”

“How the fuck is he calling you G when he’s only known you for two days?” I growl.

“He saved my life, Dad,” Greta says. “He can call me Bunny Nuts, if he wants to.”

I point a finger at the guy. “You call her Bunny Nuts, and I cut ya.”

“Get in the RV!” Elsbeth yells from inside.

“Later,” I say to Greta as Lourdes and her guys grab Dr. Stenkler and roughly shove him up into the RV.

“Whatever,” Greta says.

***

We get going again, and I stare at Dr. Stenkler as he unwraps himself from his bundle of blankets and coats.

“You must have known you’d need to bail if you had those ready,” I say.

“We always kept lots of blankets in the infirmary,” Dr. Stenkler replies. “Plenty of other supplies, but those are gone now. Too bad. I’m sure you and your people could use them.”

To say I’m surprised by how he looks is an understatement. He can’t be more than thirty.

“What kind of doctor are you?” I ask. “Pediatrics? Learning by being?”

“I’m twenty-nine,” he says. “I know, I’m young. I’m used to it. I graduated med school at twenty, and rushed through my residency at Northwestern Memorial. That’s when the plague hit.”

“Plague?” Elsbeth asks, finally taking an interest. “No plague. Just Zs.”

“Yes, well, the phenomenon had to occur somehow,” Dr. Stenkler says. “It spreads and acts like a typical plague, so that’s what it should be classified as.”

“Listen, Doogie, it’s a fucking nightmare, is what it is,” I say. “That’s what it should be classified as.”

“Plagues are nightmares,” Dr. Stenkler smiles.

I’m not a sexist pig, but I’m pretty sure all the women in the RV just melted when he smiled. Fucker, with his dark hair and dark eyes and dimple chin. He has a beard, and I can still see the dimple. Smile away, bitch! You’re in my world now! We’ll see how long you last!