You're the One That I Want (22 page)

‘If you’re lucky,’ she giggled.

I got back to five emails from Maddy. The first continued with the same angry tone as before, the middle three were wondering where I was and the last was more like the Maddy I knew … calm and reasonable.

I’m sorry. I’m just going to put it out there right now. I’m being a complete twat. Getting angry with you isn’t going to help things. My head’s a bit messed up. Well, I say a bit … really I mean a lot. Of course I don’t wish you’d never said anything. That was a stupid and pathetic thing to say. I’d never want to take away what happened the other night. I’ll never wish it didn’t happen. It was beautiful.

 

I’m getting irate because I’m scared of losing you and I don’t want that to happen. You know how much you mean to me. I know we’ll be able to get through this – it’ll just take time.

 

Sorry for being a loser … and a crazy nutcase. Hope you don’t think less of me. In fact, please ignore all previous emails. Off to seek professional help immediately. I believe they’ll have a straitjacket waiting for me upon arrival. Ha!

 

Let me know you’re all right. x

 

I sighed as I closed my laptop and put it away, realizing that Maddy was always going to have the ability to draw me in. It was the way I’d conditioned myself to be over the years – my heart would always belong to her. Knowing that irritated me after spending such a great night with Alice, and, instead of it making me want to cool off things with her – after all, I doubted anyone could level up to the unrealistic pedestal I’d put Maddy on – it made me want to make more of an effort with her. I thought she deserved a chance.

Maddy and Robert were staying together, so I knew it would have been painful for me to remain single and watch the two of them together, acting as though nothing bad had ever happened between them. I didn’t want to be sat on the sidelines pining after Maddy, yet again. No, I told myself, it was time to make some changes, and pursuing things with Alice was how to start. Plus, I imagined being with her would ensure that I’d definitely keep my distance from Maddy, stopping me from crossing boundaries once again. Not that I thought I would, but having obtained something I’d desired for so long, well, it increased my thirst rather than quenched it. The thought of being with Maddy was more real than ever before, I knew what I was missing, knew how we could be together, knew her body’s secrets, the way it curved, the way it responded to my touch – they were no longer just little thoughts I’d imagined in my head, instead they were very real.

I knew I needed to push those thoughts from my mind, and divert that energy onto something else, before I ruined things beyond repair.

Alice was my only hope, so I decided to give her my all.

I’d known and seen Ben almost every day for the past twelve years, but, following our passionate love affair, when I thought of him I was bombarded with visions of his face that night. The way he’d nervously smiled as he confessed his feelings at the pub, the way he longingly looked at my lips before kissing me, or the way his mouth grazed my body. Just thinking of the latter would cause a tug on my insides and a wave of excitement in my knickers – something I’d instantly feel ashamed of.

I was angry with him for sleeping with Alice, but what did I expect? Of course I could see everything from his point of view. The situation was so messy. In a way he’d given me a get-out clause, given me reason to turn my back on him and his words, but I had an internal need to know that he loved me and cared. I didn’t want to feel that what we’d shared wasn’t real. I needed to know it was more than a lusty night. I wasn’t the sort of girl to drop my knickers for anyone who came knocking, after all. For the first time in my life I’d done something completely reckless and I hated the fact that it made me a bad person.

I bumped into Ben down the street from his house. Which, yes, sounds suspiciously like I was stalking him and trying my best to run into him … that would be a
correct assumption to make. I wasn’t sure what else to do. He’d stopped answering my emails, calls and texts when I’d turned a bit psycho in an email to him. Okay, it was several emails in the space of a few hours, but I hadn’t meant to, I was just so frustrated by the whole thing and emotionally drained. Seeing as Ben was the only person who knew the full extent of my life’s current affairs (bad choice of words, but you know what I mean) it seemed like he was the only one I could vent to. I was taking every ounce of anger I’d been feeling out on Ben thanks to the guilt that had decided to rear its ugly head, making me unable to vent such frustrations at Robert – even though he’d started the whole thing. How pathetic does that sound?!

The way I’d acted towards Ben was unfair and I regretted the emails straight away. He eventually sent a lovely reply back – he didn’t just leave me in silence to hate myself (although he didn’t relieve me of my torment for a whole twenty-seven hours and nineteen minutes), saying he completely understood and that all he wanted was for us both to be happy. It was the few days of silence that he followed that up with that led me to engineer seeing him that morning! I knew he was avoiding me and it’s fair to say it was starting to make me go a little mad. So, one Thursday morning, when I knew he’d be heading for a lecture, I accidentally-on-purpose made sure I was walking in the opposite direction and that we would inevitably collide into each other at some point. I spotted his bouncing walk from quite a distance; it created a wave of affection and brought a smile to my lips, something I wasn’t prepared for. He noticed me a few hundred yards
away and continued to walk towards me. I took that for a good sign. As he got nearer I saw he was smiling, and the butterflies inside me went berserk.

‘Hey, you,’ he said casually as he got closer.

‘Hey …’

Stopping when he was yards away from me, Ben rocked backwards and forwards on his feet in uncertainty, no doubt wondering what I was doing springing the surprise visit on him. Stupidly I hadn’t planned what to do after bumping into him, which led to me looking like a complete idiot as I became tongue-tied. I knew he’d been ignoring me; I had just wanted to see him and check everything was okay. Force him into making some sort of interaction with me, but instead, I knew he felt cornered. Ben hated any kind of confrontation, always had.

The silence between us spoke volumes. It was one of those moments where subtext and body language said everything where words failed. I felt aware of every part of my body and ridiculously aware of his. The way he licked his upper lip with the tip of his tongue, ran his fingers through his thick hair and gave it a tousle, the way his eyes focused on mine briefly before looking down at the ground. The connection sent a bolt of unexpected pleasure through me as it instantly transported me back to his bedroom, back to his bed, back to the way he’d looked at me with fresh eyes – back to his secret smile.

Being so close to Ben was far more charged and awkward than I had expected, creating an astounding amount of conflict within me. I immediately wished I wasn’t there and reprimanded myself for manipulating the ambush … but then, a large part of me wished I could just go up and
kiss him. That it was my tongue licking his lips, my fingers running through his hair – and that we were back in his bed, picking up where we’d left off. I winced at those thoughts and wondered why my brain was so quick to betray Robert, the guy I was supposed to love with all my heart. The one I was trying to forgive.

‘How have you been?’ he asked, looking up at me properly for the first time, allowing his gaze to rest on mine for more than a split second.

‘Fine,’ I answered, unable to resist smiling at him. ‘You?’

‘Good. Really good.’

‘Great.’

‘Yeah …’

‘You’re looking good,’ I blurted.

‘Really?’ he laughed, looking down at himself. He was wearing his normal ripped baggy jeans, with a slim-fit stripy blue and white t-shirt. He looked the same as normal, but there was something different about him, and I don’t think it was solely down to my raging hormones. ‘Must be the sunshine,’ he offered as he gestured upwards.

‘Yeah …’

An awkward silence fell upon us as we looked up at the blue sky above, as though we were inspecting the weather. We were far from relaxed together.

‘Ben, is everything okay? With us?’ I asked quickly, embarrassed to be even asking the question. It felt like such a silly and adolescent thing to ask. I wasn’t used to speaking in that way to him. I’d never had the need to before.

His eyes rested on mine as he exhaled. ‘Of course.’

‘You’ve been avoiding me.’

‘I haven’t,’ he shrugged.

‘Are you really going to try and deny it?’ I asked, raising my eyebrows at him.

‘Okay, you’re right,’ he sighed, tugging on the strap of his backpack as he jiggled uncomfortably on the spot. ‘I thought that it was for the best. Just for a little bit, mind. But I’m feeling better about everything now. You know?’

‘I guess, but you could’ve given me some warning before you went MIA. I’ve been going mad with worry.’

‘Ha! Sorry about that. I feel like I’ve got my head screwed back on again now. All I needed was some time.’

‘But you’re back now?’

‘Yes! Definitely,’ he beamed as he gave me a squeeze on the arm.

The arm.

Not the hand.

Just one.

Not three.

I couldn’t help but feel sad as I noticed the absence of the two extra pulses.

‘Robert’s worried about you,’ I said in a strained manner, aware that I was bringing up he-who-shall-not-be-named. ‘I said you’ve been busy with work and stuff, but he wants to see you when he’s down at the weekend. He’s even mentioned storming into your bedroom and dragging you away from your desk.’

Ben laughed loudly.

‘He thinks you’re angry at him.’

‘Oh. I see. I’ll give him a call later.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Actually, talking about work, I’d better be going,’ he
said, pointing his thumb in the direction he was meant to be walking in.

‘Yes, of course …’

‘Where are you off to?’

‘Oh, I was just … wandering around,’ I couldn’t help but smile. I knew he knew I was there just to see him.

‘Sounds great,’ he grinned, slapping his hands against the sides of his thighs. ‘Right, I’ll speak to you later, Mad.’

He grabbed hold of me and pulled me in for a hug then. I’m not sure if it was just a habit that he’d forgotten to break or whether it was an urge like the ones I’d been fighting that had led him into the embrace. He lifted me up slightly and ever so gently brushed my naked neck with his lips. The sudden intimacy led me to inhale deeply as his being took over my body, eradicating all rational thought. The bubble that we’d previously found ourselves in had come back to cocoon us once more, making everything around us disappear within seconds.

The way he released me abruptly, jumping back in shock and putting distance between us once more, suggested the action had caught him off guard too. But, whereas I’d welcomed it, he hadn’t. It alarmed him and caused him to flee.

‘Must dash!’ he said nervously, his cheeks flaming red as he launched himself into a fast-paced power walk away from me.

As I watched him get further away, one word sprang to mind – FUCK! It dawned on me that the next few months were going to be incredibly hard if my mind so easily disintegrated in his company, if his touch could generate
such a colossal reaction within me. I wasn’t sure how I’d cope.

‘I’ve finally spoken to Ben!’ Robert said with relief on the phone that night.

His call had woken me up. I hadn’t been sleeping well for obvious reasons, but had somehow crashed out on my bed early evening without meaning to when I was trying to get some work done. The sound of my phone ringing roused me with a shock, making me disorientated.

‘What?’ I croaked, unable to hide my irritation.

‘Ben! I’ve just spoken to him.’

‘Oh really?’ I asked, as I reached for the glass of water from my bedside table, trying to stop my head feeling so groggy.

‘You okay?’

‘Yeah, I was asleep.’

‘It’s only nine o’clock!’

‘Really? Blimey.’

‘So, like I was saying – I found Ben,’ Robert continued. ‘Turns out he wasn’t busy with work like we thought, or joined a religious cult like I feared.’

‘Thank God for that,’ I laughed dryly.

‘He’s started seeing someone!’

‘What?’

‘Yeah, I know! What a dark horse. He goes missing for a couple of weeks and then comes back with a girlfriend. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you about it.’

I thought back to that morning, he had seemed happier and lighter – I’d commented on it, he’d said it was the sunshine, but it was actually because he had a girlfriend.
Surely, I thought, after everything we’d been through, he’d have told me about something like that. Especially before mentioning it to Robert! I knew there was no way Ben wouldn’t have known the impact it would have on me. I wondered, momentarily, whether it was Ben’s way of getting back at me – showing me that he was fine, or highlighting the fact that he had options, lots more than I did. Even as I thought it, I doubted Ben would be so manipulative or calculating. It wasn’t in his nature.

‘We haven’t really seen each other,’ I lied. ‘We’ve been busy.’

‘Oh, right. I said to him about us going out when I’m next over at yours.’

‘Yeah …’ My mind was elsewhere, not paying much attention to what Robert was harping on about.

‘I’ll feel better once I see him,’ he said meaningfully, alluding to how concerned he’d been about not being able to get hold of him. I hadn’t spoken to Rob a lot in those two weeks, not wanting to rush into too much too soon, but every time we spoke he’d mentioned how worried he was about Ben. I knew he felt it wasn’t just me he’d let down – that he had to clear things up with him too. ‘Besides,’ he said with a gentle laugh, ‘I want to meet this girl he’s left us for!’

‘Already? He’s only just started seeing her. Plus, I’ve got so much stuff on …’ I said, trying to keep the panic from my voice. I did not want to go out with Ben and some girl he had just started dating. It was the worst idea I’d ever heard. I frantically tried to think of how to get out of it in a way that wouldn’t make Robert suspicious, but nothing sprang to mind.

‘Come on, we can double date like old times.’

‘Do you really think he likes her that much? Knowing Ben he’ll have changed his mind within a week.’ I added a rather feeble laugh to try and make light of the subject and to dismiss the idea entirely. It didn’t work.

‘I don’t think so. He seems really keen on Alice.’

‘Alice?’ I questioned, remembering her name from an email Ben had sent. Alice was Roger’s housemate, the girl he’d slept with the night after being with me.

I couldn’t quite get my head around that. From what Ben had said, he’d slept with her because he thought I was back with Robert, or because he was stupidly drunk. Whatever the reason, if Robert was right, the girl he’d vented those frustrations with had somehow become his girlfriend. I wondered how that had come about, what had urged Ben to turn a one-night stand into more.

It saddened me that he hadn’t had the guts to tell me himself, that he felt it was okay for me to hear the information second-hand from Robert instead – that he had such disregard for me and my feelings.

It took every ounce of self-control to stop myself from calling Ben as soon as I got off the phone to Robert – which I did so in a grumpy and flippant manner, in the fastest way possible. A part of me wanted Ben to know how much his indifference was hurting me, but then, what right did I have to be to hurt or angry at him? As far as he was concerned I’d made my choice, he was free to do as he wished. It dawned on me that all I really wanted was to know that he cared about me still, and that I wasn’t so easily replaced. I couldn’t help but feel I’d been pushed aside. I needed to know that I hadn’t acted so appallingly and
been unfaithful for something meaningless. I didn’t want it to be a drunken fumble to be ashamed of. My needs were selfish, but it irritated me that he wasn’t willing to fulfil them.

I was also, for the first time in my life, experiencing jealousy. I was jealous of Alice even though I’d never met her. I was envious of whatever qualities she had that had led to Ben moving on so swiftly after declaring his love to me. I also resented the fact that she would be able to have Ben adore her in such a carefree manner, when I knew I couldn’t.

By that point I hadn’t spoken to Pearl like I’d planned, I’d let it all fester inside me instead, and avoided the girls as much as I could. On hearing that Ben was seeing Alice, that he was developing actual feelings for her, I decided I needed to talk to someone. I tiptoed across the landing to her room and knocked on her bedroom door.