You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice (2 page)

Feeling Unloved in Alaska

Dear Feeling Unloved in Alaska:

I am confused. Are these questions for real or is this column a joke? If this is real, I would say that it is often hard for siblings to connect after so many difficult years of rivalry and competition for the love of their parents. If this is a fake letter then I am not sure what to say. Am I supposed to make a joke?

Judd

…

Dear Judd:

My neighbor’s dog has been leaving “surprises” on my front lawn. I’ve complained about it repeatedly, but he refuses to curb his dog or, at the very least, keep the mutt on a leash. Legally, does this give me the right to take a dump on his property?

Ready to Poop
Clearwater, FL

Dear Ready to Poop:

This one feels like a fake letter. The question is not very funny or unique. I thought
The Believer
was written by smart, literate people. Or maybe they are so smart that they don’t know how to write dirty questions and jokes. I wonder if these questions are lame as some sort of ironic comment on how the magazine feels about me.

Judd

…

Dear Judd:

My son was just diagnosed with a wheat allergy. Does this mean he’s going to be rotten at competitive sports?

Hand-wringing Father in
St. Louis

Dear Hand-wringing Father in St. Louis:

Now, this is the type of question that only an egghead unfunny human can write. When looked at from every possible direction it is devoid of humor. It is also so unfunny that there’s no way for me to spin it funny, even if I comment on how unfunny it is. I don’t see how any of this promotes
Funny People
. Maybe that is the whole point. They are so against that type of promotion and publicity that they invite me to answer these questions, knowing I will fail. My failure is their intellectual way of attacking me for being commercial. I can’t believe
The Believer
is so mean and judgmental.

Judd

…

Dear Judd:

I’m reading a book and I really hate it, but I’m almost done. I think I’m going to finish it, but I’m having an existential crisis re: wasting my life reading a book I hate. On the other hand, my parents raised me to believe that once you read the first page, you’re committed to the last page. But this book is just so bad. Any advice?

Claire
Baltimore, MD

Dear Claire:

See, this one feels real. I like this question. I personally own thousands of books and have read maybe twenty in the last five years. I have read one or two pages of all of them. So I say, put it down with pride. Shit,
The Believer
just got me to admit how illiterate and uneducated I am.

Judd

…

Dear Judd:

I’m getting married next weekend and my bride-to-be has decided that we should write our own vows. Can you help me come up with something that’s (a) totally romantic, and (b) lets my bros know that I think this is just as queer as they do?

Thanks
.

Hoping Not to Look Like a Fag at the Altar Boston, MA

Dear Hoping Not to Look Like a Fag at the Altar:

This one is clearly a joke meant to comment on the current trend of “bromance comedies,” which some have blamed on me. If I answer this one, I am accepting the fact that they think I would use words like “bros” and “queer.” So I refuse to respond, even with a joke as a form of protest. Think about my movies, really think about them, and you will see there are all sorts of levels and shit in there.

Judd

…

Dear Judd:

How do I get rid of this cowlick? Besides a hat, I mean
.

Confused in San Francisco

Dear Confused in San Francisco:

Now I am embarrassed. I have clearly used an ironic approach to answer these questions as a way to seem like I fit into the style of
The Believer
, when the truth is that I don’t even understand what the style of
The Believer
is and actually have a hard time reading it because it’s so damn smart. I like twenty-page articles on the history of the Helvetica font and interviews with Todd Haynes as much as the next guy, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I like saying I read
The Believer
more than I like actually reading it. It looks great in the magazine rack in my bathroom and sitting on the floor of my office. And even though I have never read one cover-to-cover, I glow in the pride of being a buyer of it when people notice I have it on an airplane or when I read it in front of them so they know I am smart. So fuck you,
The Believer
, for exposing me like this. I don’t need you. I think leaving a
McSweeney’s
around makes me look cool enough.

Judd

Fred Armisen

Dear Fred:

What do you think is the best way to tell my dad I’m a lesbian? I’m thinking he’s already suspicious since I’m thirty-one and haven’t yet brought a guy home
.

Jennifer Alfonso
Tampa, FL

Dear Jennifer:

I’ll tell him. What’s his number? Let me practice what I’m going to say to him. “Hi, Mr. Alfonso? I’m Fred Armisen from
Saturday Night Live
on NBC.” No, no, no. “Hey! Señor Alfonso! Whatchoo’ doin’? Slap me five!” No. “Mr. Alfonso, this is an amazing, weird planet we live on. Look at that sky. Is there a name for such a beautiful color? Let’s talk about your daughter.” No. I’ll figure it out. But again, his number, please.

Fred

…

Dear Fred:

Which is better for cannabis, the cookie or the brownie? Or are we all off track? Should we explore other options, like marmalade or trail mix? Plus, do you have any recipes?

Jack Foster
Queens, NY

Dear Jack:

Leave sweets alone. They don’t need your cannabis. Why would you want to ruin a delicious brownie? Here’s a recipe: Go out your front door. Get in your car. Drive down the street. Go to a parking lot. Get out of your car and sit on the hood. Think about your question. Think about the fact that you don’t know me well enough to ask me a question like that. It’s called manners. Have them.

Fred

…

Dear Fred:

I’m a college student turning twenty. The last girlfriend I had was in high school, and that was after three years of asking her out every summer. In college, I find it hard to meet girls with similar interests, like television on DVD or sixty trips to the movie theater a year. Do I have to give up my obviously unsuccessful lifestyle and become more intrepid to find available women, or is there a woman out there sedate enough for me to date?

Na Jo
Chicago, IL

Dear Na:

There are many holes in your story. The numbers don’t check out. You’re turning twenty but you spent three summers without a girlfriend but you had one in high school? The math doesn’t work. Sixty trips to the movie theater a year but you’re a full-time student, which means you can only work part-time but you’re also into DVDs? It doesn’t make sense. What are you really trying to ask me? I know. You want to ask me why my arms are so built. Na! Don’t be so shy. Go ahead and ask. It comes from rigorous weight lifting and weight training. Some push-ups, but mostly weights.

Fred

…

Dear Fred:

I recently received an e-mail from a female friend whom I’d been romantically involved with over the summer. Things ended badly, and the e-mail was an apology for her jealous behavior. Should I accept her apology?

Andrew McIntyre
Washington, DC

Dear Andrew:

Here’s a quote from a speech by Mahatma Gandhi, 1945: “Breakups are hard. Breakups are hard. You say these things and it’s like … I don’t know. I don’t get jealous, you know? I just get mad sometimes. Like ‘What did that guy say to you?’ That kind of thing. A friend of mine is going through this and it’s like … I know what you’re going through. Really.”

Hope it helps.

Fred

…

Dear Fred:

When she saw me attempting to clean my ears with a Q-tip, my mother would chide me and say, “The only thing you should put in your ear is your elbow.” What is the proper way to clean one’s ears and how often should they be cleaned?

Ben Brown
Marietta, GA

Dear Ben:

There’s a chemical solution that I like to use. I buy it online. It’s a boric protein mixed with dubnium (I think the chemical compound is Db2?) that I insert as a powder before I go to bed. After it settles into my ear canal, I wait an hour and add two drops of calcite (you can get calcite drops at drugstores in Brooklyn and Oakland) that immediately create a loud froth. I then go to my sink and spit out the waxy, bloody remnants. I know it’s a little involved, but it does create a thoroughly clean ear.

Fred

…

Dear Fred:

Are there any meats not worth boiling?

Chris Elzinga
San Francisco, CA

Dear Chris:

Do not boil meats! Wow, Chris! What are you doing? Use your grill. Use a pan. Are you from a third-world country? If you are, here’s a message to all your countrymen: Don’t boil meats! It’s one of the main reasons tourists don’t visit your third-world country. We get grossed out when we see a pot of boiling water with meats rolling around in it.

Fred

…

Dear Fred:

A couple of days after being washed, my hair forms a sort of natural gel that holds any style I desire. Many people have told me that this is disgusting and I should just wash my hair and purchase a commercial hair product. Is it wrong that I choose to save money and go with the styling gel that God gave me?

Mark Iosifescu
New York, NY

Dear Mark:

The people who tell you this are not your friends. You are a punk. Remember that. They don’t even know what punk is. They think it’s the Police but they are wrong. You know what they are? Preppies. Tell them to go buy another alligator shirt.

Fred

…

Dear Fred:

I just got out of rehab and I’m wondering how to get back into the swing of “normal” life. Do you have any pearls of wisdom on how to feel at ease in society without the handy dandy use of any narcotic?

Lorelei Leslie
Santa Monica, CA

Dear Lorelei:

The healthiest thing to do would be to replace your addiction with another (gambling, alcohol, rage, etc.). I went to an addictions specialist and she told me the opposite, but let’s ignore that advice. Also, don’t forget that it’s perfectly fine to lie to yourself about whether or not you’re using narcotics.

Fred

…

Dear Fred:

How is it that the mangoes I buy in a jar are so uniform? Is it done by a machine? Who cuts them? When I purchase the jarred and perfectly luscious slices, am I supporting some horrible sweatshop full of miserable mango fabricators, hunched over with fingers puckered and slippery with the mangoes’ sweet nectar?

Susan Shuemake
Dallas, TX

Dear Susan:

I forwarded your letter to a mango jarrery in California. This is from the employees:

Dear Susan:

We are writing to you from a horrible sweatshop. It is very sweaty in here. We are mango fabricators and are miserable because it is full of us here. We are hunched over with fingers puckered and slippery with the mangoes’ sweet nectar. Please visit us. You can come in on our breaks. 10:15 to 10:30 a.m. is the first one, so do that one
.

You should do it, Susan!

Fred

Maria Bamford

Dear Maria:

My little sister is engaged to a total slimeball. I haven’t told her how I feel, because she already thinks I want to sleep with him (long story). How can I sabotage their relationship without making my sister hate me forever?

Reluctant Bridesmaid
Glendale, CA

Dear RB in GC:

Slimeballs are a great addition to any family! Does he work long hours, carefully weighing out precise one-ounce packets of crank? Does he wait outside bars in his Mercedes SUV with a baseball bat for his family’s collection agency? Whatever his characteristics, he’s clearly fun. Enjoy! He’s bringing a long-overdue, dramatic, triangular element to you and your sister’s boring, resentful back-and-forth. Who cares whom she “loves”? You do. Awesome. Go for it. Fight, manipulate, flirt with him and your sister! Let me know what happens!