You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice (11 page)

Best,
Mindy

…

Dear Mindy:

My bass player wants to break up the band because we’re all turning forty next month and he thinks it’s not awesome to be playing Cheap Trick covers when you’re forty. How can I tell him he’s wrong, so wrong?

Still Awesome in Cleveland, OH

Dear Still Awesome:

In Donald Justice’s famous poem “Men at Forty,” he talks about this very phenomenon. I don’t remember it word for word, but I believe what he says is that your friend closes doors softly now, and also that he probably wants to stop playing with your band because he’s bent on killing himself, and he wants to be alienated from as many people as possible prior to the act. If it sounds like a kick-ass poem, that’s cuz it totally is.

Mindy

…

Dear Mindy:

I’ve told my mistress that I intend to leave my wife eventually and run away with her. But she has to understand that I have no intention of doing anything of the kind, right? I mean, anybody who has been on this planet for longer than a month knows that cheaters don’t mean anything they say. If we did, we wouldn’t be cheaters
.
But somehow I don’t think she gets the implied and unspoken agreement of an extramarital affair. What should I do?

Warmly
,
S.H
.
Westfield, MA

Dear S.H.:

Dude, you totally have to kill her. I only have a cursory understanding of this type of situation, but I’ve seen movies like
Match Point
and
I Am Legend
and I know how hard it can be to be in an adulterous relationship, and I also know a man can live alone for, like, years and years, if you store food and only go out during daylight. Kill her!

Cheers,
Mindy

Thomas Lennon

Dear Thomas:

My wife asked me not to curse around our kids, but I think it’s healthy for them to become well versed in swear words. Isn’t the freedom to call somebody a “cocksucking motherfucker” a constitutional right, even for an eight-year-old boy? Maybe what he needs isn’t less cursing, but more creative cursing?

Jim B
.
Burlingame, CA

Dear Jim:

Your son is going to learn about cocksucking either at home or behind Arby’s. If your wife continues to violate your constitutional rights, sue her. I do, however, agree that more creative cursing could broaden the boy’s horizons. Try new curses like “fuckwinch” or “assgratch.” If the boy picks up some of these words, he could become the next Faulkner, or just some crazy-ass motherfucker sucking cock behind Arby’s.

Tom

…

Dear Thomas:

My friend told me to skip community college because the drugs aren’t as good and therefore the education isn’t as good. Is that true? Is a university only as intellectually stimulating as its drug supply?

Eric Schmidt
Charlotte, NC

Dear Eric:

This is entirely true. You should seriously consider a college in Amsterdam, where the magic mushrooms can be purchased both legally and in either the dried or fresh variety. The classes will be in Dutch, but it won’t matter, because you’ll be tripping your balls off.

Tom

…

Dear Thomas:

I got my ears pierced in high school. I got my first nose piercing in college. After graduation, I got my tongue pierced. A few weeks ago, I got my nipples pierced. Given the geographical direction of my piercings, is it only a matter of time before there’s a steel stud in my testicles?

“Holes” Thomsen
St. Louis, MO

Dear “Holes”:

Bravo, sir! Yes, a steel post through the fleshy sac of your manhood looms on the horizon. But take note: your body should reflect the ideal feng shui bagua. That means: metal left earring for creativity/children, wooden right earring for family/foundation, something shoved through your nose that’s on fire for fame/reputation, and a jug of water hanging from your ball post for career/life path.

Tom

…

Dear Thomas:

Will you settle a bet between my friend and me? He says that PoMo is shorthand for postmodern. I think it’s a deli sandwich that’s sometimes served with capicola and provolone cheese. Who’s right?

Sam Hittleman
Traverse City, MI

Dear Sam:

You’re both wrong. PoMo is either Brazilian surfer slang for “a Portuguese man-of-war” or DC slang for “a poor mosh pit.” For example: “That’s a PoMo, especially for a Fugazi show.” A capicola/provolone sandwich is called a Coppola.

Tom

…

Dear Thomas:

I want to get lipo and have the fat sucked out of my fat fucking thighs. But my boyfriend says I should save the money and use it to buy more books. Isn’t he just pulling my fat leg? What is more attractive—a well-read fattie or a stick figure who can’t spell her own name?

Confused (and fat)
Kansas City, KS

Dear Confused (and fat):

Bless you for thinking that men might like a well-read woman. We’re actually attracted to both stick figures and massive hoggies, but none of us particularly care about your reading habits, unless you’re reading books about how to give better blow jobs.

My advice is: skip the books and the lipo and invest in a good pair of Spanx panty hose. It’ll create the illusion of toned, muscular thighs.

Cheers,
Tom

Al Madrigal

Dear Al:

I’m completely broke and considering either donating my eggs or a career as an escort. Both of these sound like a good way for a girl to get cash quickly and easily. Which do you recommend?

Hottie with Great SAT Scores
New York, NY

Dear Hottie:

Look, I loved
Pretty Woman
as much as any straight male possibly could, but let’s be realistic. A Richard Gere type is going to come along at best once a year. Most of your average “clients” trolling for hookers are literally guys who
have to pay for sex
. That means a lot of physical deformities and dickheads. So, not only are you gonna see more than your fair share of eye patches and jaw-dropping eczema, you’re gonna get slapped by a lot worse than Jason Alexander.

By the way, a prosthetic hand hurts way worse than a real one. So let’s support the culture of life and help create it instead of almost losing it three times a day.

Al

…

Dear Al:

I hate all the chemicals they put into bug repellents. Can you recommend a natural alternative?

Itchy in Oregon

Dear Itchy:

Short of buying a hundred magnifying glasses and burning every bug in sight, why don’t you shut up and embrace science, you dirty hippie? DEET, like TV and the Internet, is good. The next time you want to go
Into the Wild
with a bag of flaxseeds and a dream catcher to tap into your inner Earth Mother, remember we didn’t cure polio with a drum circle and some patchouli oil.

Al

…

Dear Al:

Is a homemade tie-dyed T-shirt ever a good idea for somebody who uses deodorant and doesn’t enjoy jam bands?

Dana in Jupiter, FL

Dear Dana:

Yes. But be careful, a tie-dyed shirt is gateway fashion. Without the proper level of awareness, a tie-dyed shirt can lead to Teva sandals and Guatemalan print shorts.

Al

…

Dear Al:

I may be going to jail soon and I’m just curious, is it more like the TV show
Oz
or the TV show
Hogan’s Heroes?
Or does it depend on the state? I just want to know what to expect
.

Randell
Lubbock, TX

Dear Randell:

If you’re writing in to
The Believer
to ask this question, I would assume you’re not prison material. In fact it’s probably a good bet that you are writing this looking through horn-rimmed glasses while wearing a pair of skinny jeans. So when it comes to prison you can hope for
Hogan’s Heroes
, but you need to plan for
American Me
. Because, while we’d all like to think that lockup involves old men tending birds, whittling, hard-boiled-egg eating contests, and converting to new and exciting religions, it’s important for you to be realistic. Know this: you’re going to be assaulted physically, verbally, and mentally twenty-four seven. Good luck, and BTW, there is no shame in suicide.

Al

…

Dear Al:

For most of my life, I solved the majority of my problems by asking, “What would Jesus do?” But now I’m stumped. What do you suppose would be Jesus’ opinion of saddlebagging?

Frank O
.
Asheville, NC

Dear Frank:

I am quite proud to admit that I don’t know what saddlebagging is, and I refuse to Google it. But we can assume that any act so depraved or ridiculous that it has to be given a cute nickname is more or less disgusting. While I’m not the most religious guy, even discussing the Judeo-Christian Lord and saddlebagging at the same time makes me a little bit uncomfortable.

Al

Aasif Mandvi

Dear Aasif:

I have a problem. My boyfriend borrowed my cat for a slumber party and is now refusing to return him. It’s been over a month. I go there enough that it’s not really a big deal, but I miss owning this animal. How can I make the cat come back without having a violent domestic dispute?

Lumpy’s owner
Providence, RI

Dear Lumpy’s owner:

Why on earth would you let your boyfriend borrow your cat for a slumber party? Does this even make sense to you? I can tell you why the cat will never return to you. The cat has been exposed to homoeroticism, and having now been exposed to this lifestyle with a group of young teenage boys, he is likely unable to return to your home and live a normal life.

The boyfriend is not keeping the cat hostage. What has happened is this cat, now addicted to the sweet nectar of homo-deviant sexual behavior, is now unable to reenter society. I would say you shouldn’t visit your cat, because it will only bring heartache. As the cat’s need for more and more stimulating sexual adventures increases, you may find that he begins to peruse gay nightclubs and bars, and soon this could lead to a life of prostitution and drugs. That’s right,
drugs
. You need to forget this cat and get yourself a new, wholesome cat that has not been tainted by a wild night of slumber party games that involve prepubescent boys and a stick.

Tough break, kid. Next time someone says, “Hey, can I borrow your cat for a slumber party?” I hope you’ll think twice before ruining another feline life.

Aasif

…

Dear Aasif:

I have body issues. I think I am a skinny person, but really have gained a considerable amount of weight since 2007. I don’t want to buy new clothes and I love to eat
.

What do I do?

Fatty Threw a Party and Now Her Jeans Hurt to Wear
Wichita Falls, TX

Dear Fatty:

Nothing. If you think you are a skinny person then
you are
. It’s not the outside that matters; it’s the inside. How you see yourself in your mind’s eye is how others will see you in the real world. If your clothes don’t fit you anymore, just act like they do, and guess what?
They will fit you!
If you are fat and want to be thin, then just tell yourself that you are thin. The greatest diet in the world is the one that takes place in YOUR MIND.

I once met a woman whose pants were so tight around her obviously overweight ass and stomach that her jeans remained completely unbuttoned to the point where the mall security guard had to escort her out of the mall. Do you think this woman accepted the reality of her body? Hell no! Did this woman let the weight win and buy new pants? Hell no! Did this woman say to herself, “I shouldn’t go to the mall if I can’t button my jeans”? Hell no! Did this woman say, “I am thin and these clothes fit me just fine because reality has nothing to do with what is real”? Hell yes! This is America! Go, girl! You’ve never looked so good!

Aasif

…

Dear Aasif:

Is it fair to force my dog to be a vegetarian?

Lucie
Asheville, NC

Dear Lucie:

I would suggest that you not “force” your dog to be a vegetarian, because forcing will get you into a power struggle with an animal. And that’s always sad to see, because as humans, we have all the money and the guns and the treats. Instead, you should use well-established training methods to teach your dog about the benefits of being a vegetarian.