Your Republic Is Calling You (34 page)

She exhales and throws down her ace. "Okay, I'll tell you
why you can't do that. I'll tell you all about where I was and who I was with today. There's no way you can bear to live with me after you hear about it."

Ki-yong hears from Ma-ri, from Ma-ri's mouth, from Ma-ri's tongue and lips, in too much detail, about the young man who reveres Mao and Che Guevara, the stuttering Panda, the third guy who wasn't able to get into the room at the Motel Bohemian. He has to hear it. But as he hears it, he feels like he's listening to a twisted version of a Brothers Grimm fairytale. It's unreal and fantastical. It sounds like a story from one of Freud's patients. He's hearing this story from Ma-ri, but he can't believe that it's something she's experienced. A woman meets a boy and falls for him. She's then kidnapped, locked up in a tall tower, and waits to be rescued. But the situation becomes worse and worse...

He asks, despondently, "You think I'm going to believe that?"

"It's up to you whether you believe it or not. But right now, I'm not the same woman as the one you woke up next to this morning. I've learned that in life, there's a moment where you have to say no. This is precisely that moment."

"This is all very easy for you," Ki-yong says, dejected.

"It's not," Ma-ri says.

He gathers his thoughts. Even if everything Ma-ri told him is a lie, even if she just made it all up to hurt him, there's one thing he can't ignore—she doesn't want to be with him anymore. That much is true.

"Fine," Ki-yong says.

Ma-ri looks into his eyes.

"I'll go. I'll go back," Ki-yong says glumly.

"Good, I'm glad you made the right decision. I know it's hard for you. But you should go. That's the only decision that makes sense."

"Fine. But on one condition."

"What?"

"I'm taking Hyon-mi."

"What?" Ma-ri bolts up from the bench. From far away, a dog barks incessantly. "Are you crazy?"

"No."

"You can't take her to that hellhole!"

"You know, people live there, too," Ki-yong points out.

"People are starving up there! They don't even have gruel to eat. You know all of this better than I do."

"No, it's not that bad. It's just that there isn't any fast food or computer games. Oh, and none of this pressure to succeed in school, the tutoring, the grueling college entrance system, the drugs, the underage sex."

"You can't take her."

"You used to believe that NK was the solution to all of our problems, too, once upon a time. Right? Don't you remember? You used to be so jealous of Lim Su-kyong, who got to go to Pyongyang."

Ma-ri tries to control her mounting panic. She bites off her words. "Back then. I was young. Now, the political landscape is different."

"Fine, let's assume you're right. Let's say that the North is worse off than it was before. But I think we need to give Hyon-mi the chance to decide. I'm not talking about choosing an ideology; I'm talking about choosing a parent. She should get a say in who she wants to live with."

"Why does Hyon-mi have to be responsible for your mistakes?" Ma-ri seethes. "You're the one who hid your true identity and lied to us. Why does Hyon-mi have to make such a difficult decision?"

"This is a cheap shot, I guess, but you've brought it on yourself. You think you have the right to be a mother when
you're out screwing twenty-year-olds, and a spy doesn't have the right to be a father? Do you think that makes any sense?" Ki-yong snarls, his voice rising.

"Oh, so now the gloves come off? Were you always this much of a coward, you asshole?" Ma-ri doesn't stand down.

"Why don't I have even the tiniest right to my own kid?"

Ma-ri takes out her cell. Her hand trembles. "I'm going to call the cops on you. I'm going to call 112 and report that you're a spy. I'm completely serious. Go away."

"You can't do it. Don't do it."

"There's no reason why I can't. After I call the cops and you go to prison, I'm going to file for a divorce, no, an annulment. Kim Ki-yong doesn't even exist, he never did, so I'm going to win hands down. I know I will. Don't come near me," Ma-ri warns. "Seriously, I'm going to scream."

She presses 1 twice, and glares at Ki-yong, her thumb on the 2. "I really don't want to have to do this," she says, her voice icy.

"Fine, fine. Okay. You win."

She moves her finger away from the keypad, whips around, and starts to walk away, but then stops and looks back. "Bye. Be careful." Her voice is small, trembling, barely reaching Ki-yong's ears.

He takes a deep breath. He says, quietly, "Go ahead, go inside. Hyon-mi's probably waiting for you."

She walks toward their apartment building. As she does, she realizes that the fatigue that was draped heavily around her shoulders earlier that evening has vanished. A new energy courses through her veins. She gets farther and farther away from Ki-yong and disappears into the darkness.

K
I-YONG WATCHES HER
stalk away. He sits back down on the bench. A strong feeling of dejection rips through him,
shaking his body and spirit like a powerful tornado. All of the feelings he was suppressing throughout the day burst forth, as if a dam has caved in. He cries, silently. He silences his painful, visceral sobs by clamping his mouth shut. It's the first time he has cried since coming down south. He remembers being in the hospital when Hyon-mi was born. He thinks back to his wedding day, too. Both were oppressively hot days. Both times, he was on pins and needles, worried that someone would appear, reveal his true identity, and wrest his wife or child away from him. He suffered from nightmares for days prior to the wedding and the birth. Nightmares were like an old, loyal pet dog for Ki-yong. He couldn't get rid of them, but he couldn't keep them with him all the time. His dreams were filled with the vanishing faces of his wife and daughter. Sometimes the wedding guests turned and attacked him, like zombies. Once he dreamed that his newborn daughter bared her teeth at him, enraged. But at some point, his old pet dog nightmare went away. And he started to feel comfortable in his staid life. Like any middle-aged man, he could look back and think, Ah, those difficult, lonely younger days. But that nostalgia was merely a product of Ki-yong's delusion, his arrogance toward his fate.

He wipes his eyes, blows his nose, and clears his throat. He takes out his phone. He presses the numbers slowly, very slowly. The phone rings for a long time but nobody picks up. He sits there with the phone to his ear, patiently. Finally, she answers.

"Hello?"

"Soji?"

"Oh, Ki-yong. Where are you?"

"I'm just out."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You sound like you have a cold. It's cold outside, right?"

"Yeah, it's a little chilly."

There is a silence.

He swallows hard. "Soji," he starts.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"The thing you said back at the Westin Chosun—you still mean it?"

"Still mean what?"

"That you don't think you're going to be a teacher forever. Do you still mean it, that you want to leave for someplace like Hemingway or Joyce and write?"

She doesn't say anything for a long time.

He waits for her to answer, patiently. It feels like eons.

"Ki-yong, you've never seen my house, right?"

"No."

"When I got home—I left a huge mess trying to find your bag—I felt unsettled. So I cleaned my house, a large-scale cleaning, which I haven't done in a long time. In the middle of the night. But now that I did that, the house is too clean. It's an old house, although it's going to be redeveloped at some point."

"I see."

"Do you ever get the feeling that the ghosts in your house are welcoming you when you walk through the door? Even though nobody's here, when I walk in it feels like someone's talking to me."

"Yeah. I know what you're talking about." The wind grows chillier. He shivers. He wonders if your body temperature drops when you shed tears.

"The kids are amazing," Soji continues.

"What kids? Oh, your students?"

"Yeah, some of them have a real gift for language. When I'm teaching kids like that, I feel like I've achieved something great. Hyon-mi's one of those kids."

"But you're a writer first and foremost."

"I'm not sure if that's true, though. I've been satisfied a number of times as a teacher, but I've never been happy with myself or my work as an author. Doesn't that mean I can't call myself a writer?"

"Well, a teacher and a writer are pursuing different objectives."

"Exactly."

They share another lengthy silence.

"Ki-yong," Soji says, "you're really a great guy. I know that."

"Do you? Really? Then why don't I know it?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's just, well, I don't have any interest in knowing whether I'm a good guy or not."

"So?"

"I realized something today. I think I always believed that people were worried about very abstract things. Like life, fate, politics, that kind of thing. You know I like math," Ki-yong tries to explain.

"You always said that it was the purest abstract world."

"Exactly. Time flies so fast when I'm working on an equation. I always thought everyone had that side to them. But now, today, everyone's..."

"Everyone's what?" Soji asks.

"Everyone's just struggling to survive. They're doing everything they can to survive. Why was I the only one who didn't realize that?"

A few high school students coming home from cram school pass Ki-yong's bench. He pauses for a moment.

"Ki-yong, you know Henry David Thoreau, right? He said that most men lead lives of quiet desperation."

Another bout of silence hangs in the air. The students' voices recede. Ki-yong's mouth is dry. It's unbelievable that this moment is so vivid, this very moment at which his life is coming to an end, as he's falling out of the sky without a parachute.

"I think..." He changes his mind. "Never mind."

She doesn't say anything.

"Take care. I just wanted to call before leaving."

"I know what you're thinking," Soji blurts.

"You do?" He laughs, then realizes that Soji would have heard him through the phone. She might think he's laughing at her. "I talked to Ma-ri just now. A minute ago."

"Oh..."

"I talked to Ma-ri..." He pauses, his emotions taking hold of him again.

Another short silence resonates in his ear. Soji doesn't ask what he and Ma-ri decided—her way of informing him what she decided to do, without uttering a word. He understands that she doesn't want to interfere in his life anymore, that she isn't going with him on such a dangerous excursion. He changes the subject. He has to grow up a little, be a little wiser, even if it's at the very end. "Never mind. I almost said something I shouldn't. Okay then, take care."

"Okay, I should go to bed anyway. Let's talk again tomorrow."

"I'm going to throw this phone away soon. I don't think we'll be able to talk for a while. But I know you'll write something great."

"Safe travels," Soji says.

He closes his phone, and notices that someone is standing next to him. Someone very familiar.

"Hello, sir, here you are. I've been looking for you."

H
YON-MI PLAYS WITH
the phone, huddled in her bed. The house is quiet. Only the cat is there, sleeping next to her peacefully. She stretches out and taps the cat's leg. The cat tucks her leg under her body, but doesn't bother to open her eyes. Hyon-mi pets the cat's other leg. She presses down on the cushiony pink pads of her feet, too. She starts to feel better. Hyon-mi decides she should call, and starts dialing.

"Hello? Hi, it's me. I'm home now ... Thanks, I had a lot of fun. Is Chol home now?...Yeah? I wish I got to meet him. I guess he got there right after I left, huh?...Oh, here, at home? Nobody's here yet. My parents are like, always late ... Oh me? I don't know, I'm just gonna watch some Go on TV ... No, it's so much fun!...What do you mean, I'm like an old lady? It's 'cause you don't know how to play. It's really a lot of fun, I'm totally not kidding ... A-yong? What about her? Oh, she had something to do today ... I don't know, why are you asking me?...Sorry, sorry, I'm not mad at you ... Yeah? So what did Chol say?...Really? That's hilarious ... Really? Oh my God, really?...Yeah ... Yeah, yeah ... Huh? What do you mean, before—before when? Oh, you mean what we did before? Oh whatever, I don't know. Well, how do you feel about it?...Huh? Just say it ... Well, I felt a little weird ... I don't know. Is Chol right there next to you? Isn't it weird talking about this stuff with him there?...Really? Still ... Children's Go? Yeah, I know how to play. It's hard if you play with people who are good ... Of course there are rankings ... Yeah, if you go online there's a ton of pros. It's different from Go but it's pretty much the same concept. It's basically who can see further ahead...
My mom? Oh, she hurt her arm a while ago ... Yeah. Exactly. But she's still a good driver ... She lets me do basically whatever I want ... It's not that great, are you kidding? Oh, but my dad came to school today ... Yeah ... Yeah. But Soji went out to see him ... What? I'm good at Korean lit ... huh?...Soji? Oh, I guess she's around my dad's age?...What, an affair? No way. My dad's not the kind of person who would cheat like that. Hey, don't joke about stuff like that!...Okay. Yeah ... What's Chol doing?...Oh, okay. So he really likes to spend time by himself, huh. He doesn't get bored?...Yeah, I guess you're right. There's a ton of things these days you can do by yourself ... Oh, really? Oh wait, I think my mom's home. I gotta go. Bye, good night!"

Hyon-mi pads out to open the front door. She's right—it's her mother, her limp hair dangling against her cheeks. "You're not in bed yet?" Ma-ri asks, stroking her daughter's hair.

"No, it's still early!"

"How was your day?"

"Fine."

"Did you eat dinner?"

"Yeah, it was a friend's birthday today so I ate at the party."

She takes off her heels and puts them away. "Which friend?"

"Just a friend."

"Who?"