You Deserve Nothing (3 page)

“So, you coming out with us tonight Mr. Silver?” Ariel asked looking down at the street.

“Out where?”

“We’re going to Star and Stripe.”

“We’re all going,” Molly said. “You should come. Bring Ms. Keller.”

“Do you go out a lot, Mr. Silver?” Ariel asked.

“I’m out right now.”

“Good point.” She smiled at me again.

“Do you go to, like, bars?” Molly asked.

“No, usually I just stay home, drink tea, and read
The Canterbury Tales
.”

“I know you totally go out,” Ariel said laughing. “I saw you at Cab one night.”

“Did you? I try to avoid bars full of Americans.”

“Well you probably won’t like Star very much then,” Molly said.

The plane trees were creaking in the wind. Occasionally a couple passed beneath us. From time to time a taxi flew by, but otherwise all the noise of the evening was behind us in the apartment.

Ariel flicked her cigarette out in a long arc over the sidewalk below, where it landed in a burst of sparks. She looked directly at me and said, “Mr. Silver I hope you come tonight. It would be really fun to party with you. If not, I’ll see you next year in seminar. I hear you’re a great teacher.”

I went in search of Mia.

On my way through the apartment I ran into Mazin’s father, a handsome man in an expensive black suit. He shook my hand.

“Mr. Silver. I’m glad I found you. Mazin’s been talking about you all year. I’ve been traveling so much. I’m sorry we’re only meeting now. Do you have everything you need?”

I told him that I’d eaten, that the food was excellent, that he had a beautiful home.

“Listen, Mr. Silver, Mazin’s never talked about a teacher the way he’s talked about you. He’s changed this year and I think it has a lot to do with your class. It is a difficult thing being away from your family, from your sons so much. It is the nature of my work of course. But nonetheless a difficult thing. The point is that I’m grateful to you.”

“Thank you, sir. Your son is wonderful. He’s grown up a lot this year. I’ve come to really care for him. You must be very proud.”

“I am. We are.”

I smiled.

“Another glass of champagne?”

“I’d better not.”

“O.K., well, if there’s anything I can ever do for you, Mr. Silver, please ask. As I said, I’m so grateful.”

“This party is more than enough.”

At the far end of the apartment, Mia was in a large room that had been turned into a dance floor. Glamorous, shoeless women danced, their arms reaching up toward the dimmed chandelier. A group of children, six or seven years old, wiggled around them. There were ISF students and graduates moving and singing with the music. Mia was there in the middle of a small group of girls, all of them thrilled by her presence.

I leaned against the wall and watched. From time to time one of the kids would pass by and try to get me to dance. I kept my place until Mazin’s mother took me by the hand and pulled me onto the floor. It seemed as if everyone at the party was used to being there, that this was how it always was—family coming and going, people around.

The music sped up. Someone popped the cork from a bottle of champagne. Molly appeared, took my hands and pulled me across the room to a group of kids. Ariel tossed her hair. Mike Chandler, dancing behind her, winked at me as if he were my uncle, raised his glass and took a long drink. Ariel leaned back against him, grinned at me and closed her eyes.

Steven walked past and punched me on the shoulder.

“What up, Mr. S. Working it on the dance floor. Good to see, good to see.”

Eventually I made my way through the crowd and back out onto the balcony. The night air felt good. I was giddy and didn’t want to go home. I leaned out over the street. When Mia found me we watched the passing tourist boats for a while, their spotlights moving across the buildings, lighting us up while kids waved and shouted from the decks. Mia waved back. Neither of us spoke for a while. Then she touched my arm and took a long breath.

“William,” she said. “William, William.”

“It’s beautiful. It’s too much.”

“Yes.” I could feel her looking at me.

I closed my eyes.

“William,” she said again. She was pressed against me, her hip to mine, her hand on my arm. I could smell her hair.

“So? Are we going out with them?” I asked.

I couldn’t look at her.

I wanted to walk home alone along the river. Stop for a beer at La Palette. But it was all too beautiful to go home—the air, the rustling leaves slowly turning green to white, green to white, the water below, the sound of the guitar coming up off the bridge.

“Let’s,” she said. “We’ll go for a drink.”

Mia went to the bathroom. I put my coat on and waited in the living room. The apartment was still crowded. Ariel sat on the floor with a girl I recognized from school. They watched me and whispered until Ariel waved me over.

“So did you decide?” Ariel asked smiling, looking up at me.

“I think we’re coming. I’m just waiting for Ms. Keller.”

“Awesome. Oh, do you know Marie?”

“No,” I said. “Hello, Marie.”

“She’s my best friend in the world.” Ariel said, obviously drunk.

“Good to meet you. Maybe I’ll see you both later.”

“O.K., I’ll see you,” Marie said, raising her eyes to mine.

Waiting for Mia in front of the building, the wind was whipping the leaves around. It felt more like October than June. Looking up I could see people leaning over the balcony smoking cigarettes, their voices floating out. I was taken with the same kind of euphoria I’d felt repeatedly over the last few weeks—that sense of being precisely where I wanted to be, of having made it through. The wind rushing harder and harder up the river seemed to lift me and I was overcome with a sort of impatience that was only loosely connected to the night.

Someone on the balcony called down to me, “What up, Mr. S.? Shouldn’t you be asleep, man? Little late for you.”

I made an exaggerated bow and they laughed. Mia and a group of kids came out the door.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked.

“It’ll be fun. Anyway, I’ve told them we’re going.”

She turned to the group standing in front of the building.

“We’ll see you there.”

“Oh my God, you’re coming, Silver?”

“Looks that way, Molly. Looks that way.”

Mia and I caught a taxi. It had begun to rain. The driver flicked on the windshield wipers and turned up rue St. Jacques. I thought about getting out of the cab and walking home.

I closed my eyes and listened to the blades sweeping back and forth across the glass, the droning engine, the soft voice of the Radio Nova DJ.

Up the hill toward the Pantheon they were standing beneath a blue awning adorned with a single star.

“I’m not going in there,” I whispered.

“Just walk.”

Inside were stone stairs descending into the belly of the place, where it was crowded with students.

Mia and I found a place at the bar.

“It’s mostly underclassmen here,” she said, looking worried.

“I noticed that.”

“It doesn’t feel right. Maybe we should leave.”

“Hey, you wanted to come and there’s no way I’m leaving before I have a beer.”

She looked around uncomfortably.

“Oh my God, I’m
so
buying you guys drinks.” Molly, drunk and laughing, looked over our heads to catch the bartender’s eye.

Leaning just past my ear, she called out, “
Henri! Trois Screaming Orgasms, trois
.”

“This is so
cool
,” she said giggling. “I can’t believe I’m partying with you guys. It’s totally, full on, surreal.”

Mia, looking flushed, said, “I’m not sure this is the best idea, Molly.”

“Ms. Keller, I graduated. I’m not even a student at the school. What’s the big deal?” she asked reaching across the bar for the milky shots. With hers in hand, she said, “To the future.” She smiled and raised her glass. “To all our futures. Totally.”

* * *

The music got louder. Someone took my hand and pulled me onto the dance floor. We were packed tight. I began to dance, people passed in front of me, faces I recognized, shadows, light and dark and each student’s face a subtle jolt, until they all became people in a bar.

I danced with Mia, and the drunker she became, the more determined she seemed to contain me. I spun away. Ariel appeared moving close, pressing her breasts against my chest, leaning her head back, smiling, turning away and returning.

I moved toward the bar where I drank a beer and watched the crowd.

I stood in the bathroom and pressed my head against the cold tile wall.

I pushed back onto the dance floor searching for Mia and found Ariel’s friend. I couldn’t remember her name. She smiled without hesitation, without artifice or experiment.

Marie.

She danced and I followed her into the center of the room, surrounded by what felt like thousands of people. She pushed tight against my cock, which hardened immediately. When she felt it against her, she pushed with more force, bent her knees and slowly, expertly glided her ass against me.

“Do you know who you’re dancing with?” I asked.

She turned to face me, “Yes, Mr. Silver. Do you know who
you’re
dancing with?”

I nodded.

“Congratulations,” I said.

“For what?”

“Graduation. For graduating.”

“Oh I didn’t graduate, Mr. Silver. I’ll be a senior next year. Same class as Ariel.”

“Jesus Christ.”

She took a step closer, pressing her breasts against me.

“It’s your choice, Mr. Silver. I’ll understand if you want to leave, I’ll understand.”

Her mouth was inches from mine.

“I have to leave,” I said.

“O.K.,” she smiled. “If you have to.”

“Give me your number,” she said into my ear. “Whisper it to me.”

“No,” I said.

“Whisper it to me, Mr. Silver. Whisper it to me, just in case.”

* * *

Outside in the cold, early morning air I walked slowly along rue des Écoles until, as I knew it would, my phone rang.

“I’m meeting you,” she said.

I stopped and sat on the hood of a parked car and waited. A drunken couple walked past, laughing, and I asked them for a cigarette. Blowing smoke into the cold air, I thought about leaving. I thought about going back to my apartment, ignoring the phone calls.

She came around the corner barefoot with her high heels in her hand. She had light green eyes and long auburn hair.

We walked in silence along the empty rue des Écoles. At Boulevard St. Michel, Marie ran barefoot against the light, laughing, leaving me waiting on the corner watching her on the other side, her arms outstretched, shoes dangling from her fingers.

“Come on,” she yelled twirling on the pavement. “Come on.”

After the traffic passed, I crossed the boulevard. “Come on,” she said taking my arm. We were safer there where the streets were darker, hidden away behind l’École de Médecine, the cinemas closed for the night. Marie pulled my arm around her shoulders.

“I’m cold,” she whispered.

I held her against me. At rue Antoine Dubois she pushed me against a wall and kissed me, her mouth perfectly warm. For a moment she was slow and languorous and then instantly on fire, her hand between my legs.

And then again she stopped. “Fuck,” she said. “
Putain
! You’re making me insane.”

She broke away and walked to the steps behind the statue of Vulpian and sat down. I watched as she leaned back on her elbows, her bare feet on the cold stone. A couple came down the stairs from rue Monsieur le Prince. I stayed waiting in the shadows until they were gone. And then I went to her. She pulled me down onto the step and there was her warm mouth again.

“I can’t,” she said then. “Listen Mr. Silver, I’m really sorry but I can’t do this now. It’s not like I don’t want to. Because I do. Every girl at school would kill to be in my position right now but this isn’t a good time, O.K.? I’ve got my period and I just think that if we’re going to do this we should do it, you know, when everything is, I don’t know,
right
. You know what I mean?”

She looked at me, her lips smeared with red, and said that she’d better leave, that she’d better get back to her friends. Another time, she said. Another time we’d do this right. She’d show me what she was capable of. And how badly she wanted to. She stepped close, her breath smelling of the sweet gum she’d put in her mouth, and said, “Next year, Mr. Silver.”